After 2.5 years he is still in touch with his ex.

[hellischrome]

Well, the title pretty much says it all. He left her for me three years ago, now we live together on the other side of the world.

 

Apparently she's with someone else now, and he keeps telling me that "they" are over, and that he's happy with me and blah blah.

 

The reason why they are in contact is that her dad is very sick (he's been very sick for the last 2 years, that's why they started talking again. At the beginning she shut him out).

 

This is the point of all our fights of the last two years, the fact that I don't like this and the fact that I can't get over it.

 

He says I need to accept the fact that they've been together for 10 years and they were part of each other's family, and that he WANTS to know how things are going there. As far as I know, the contact is now about 2/3 whatsapp messages every 10 days if there are news, or 0 for weeks if there are no news. In the last few months, he initiated contact only 1/2 times.

 

When he travels back to our homecountry they usual catch up (a couple of hours, I always know when, he always texts me when he's done with the catch up because I asked him to do so).

 

Reasons why I'm not fine with it yet:

 

a) 6 months after he broke up with her he had second thoughts, didn't know if he was still in love with her so we broke up (we would fight every single day and that's when he started having second thoughts). He came back after a month with his mind clear, and as far as I know he never had any doubt again.

 

b) In the past he lied about their contact - until today he never told me about their contacts unless I asked first. Recently I accused him of being very shady with his phone, he replied it's because he doesn't want me to get upset if I see messages from her. He handed me the phone to read their chat (I said no), and promised he will try to avoid being shady. Since then, he told me when they had contact (today, she was the one to initiate), what it was about, and everytime he receives a message now he tells me who is it from (even if it's a friend).

 

He's trying hard, I can see it. But still I can't get over the fact that he's not willing to shut her out completely and to put me as his first priority. He's willing to compromise, but he said I can't ask him to stop talking to her, especially now given her situation. I know I can't ask him so, it wouldn't be fair, but it also scares me that he would be willing to lose me over this (I know he wouldn't choose her, but he would choose his "freedom" over my requests).

 

When it's not about this, it's just like heaven. He gets me flowers, we live together (he asked me to move in 5 months ago), when I ask him things he doesn't lie even if he know I will be upset. He cooks often, he cleans the house, he makes me speak to his family when I complain about it. He always invites me to EVERY work event/dinner with friends.

He calls me almost every day after work when he's on the bus cause he knows I like it. He gets me little presents, he tries hard to remember what I tell him.

 

I still I don't understand why I can't get over it. Next week I will start seeing my therapist again, I really want to get to the bottom of it, but I really like people in this forum so I thought I'd vent here.

 

Thanks to anyone who will take the time to reply! :-)

[DKT3]

Well, the title pretty much says it all. He left her for me three years ago, now we live together on the other side of the world.

 

Apparently she's with someone else now, and he keeps telling me that "they" are over, and that he's happy with me and blah blah.

 

The reason why they are in contact is that her dad is very sick (he's been very sick for the last 2 years, that's why they started talking again. At the beginning she shut him out).

 

This is the point of all our fights of the last two years, the fact that I don't like this and the fact that I can't get over it.

 

He says I need to accept the fact that they've been together for 10 years and they were part of each other's family, and that he WANTS to know how things are going there. As far as I know, the contact is now about 2/3 whatsapp messages every 10 days if there are news, or 0 for weeks if there are no news. In the last few months, he initiated contact only 1/2 times.

 

When he travels back to our homecountry they usual catch up (a couple of hours, I always know when, he always texts me when he's done with the catch up because I asked him to do so).

 

Reasons why I'm not fine with it yet:

 

a) 6 months after he broke up with her he had second thoughts, didn't know if he was still in love with her so we broke up (we would fight every single day and that's when he started having second thoughts). He came back after a month with his mind clear, and as far as I know he never had any doubt again.

 

b) In the past he lied about their contact - until today he never told me about their contacts unless I asked first. Recently I accused him of being very shady with his phone, he replied it's because he doesn't want me to get upset if I see messages from her. He handed me the phone to read their chat (I said no), and promised he will try to avoid being shady. Since then, he told me when they had contact (today, she was the one to initiate), what it was about, and everytime he receives a message now he tells me who is it from (even if it's a friend).

 

He's trying hard, I can see it. But still I can't get over the fact that he's not willing to shut her out completely and to put me as his first priority. He's willing to compromise, but he said I can't ask him to stop talking to her, especially now given her situation. I know I can't ask him so, it wouldn't be fair, but it also scares me that he would be willing to lose me over this (I know he wouldn't choose her, but he would choose his "freedom" over my requests).

 

When it's not about this, it's just like heaven. He gets me flowers, we live together (he asked me to move in 5 months ago), when I ask him things he doesn't lie even if he know I will be upset. He cooks often, he cleans the house, he makes me speak to his family when I complain about it. He always invites me to EVERY work event/dinner with friends.

He calls me almost every day after work when he's on the bus cause he knows I like it. He gets me little presents, he tries hard to remember what I tell him.

 

I still I don't understand why I can't get over it. Next week I will start seeing my therapist again, I really want to get to the bottom of it, but I really like people in this forum so I thought I'd vent here.

 

Thanks to anyone who will take the time to reply! :-)

 

You can't get over it because he isn't being upfront and honest with you, yet he isn't being honest with you because your proving that you will still be upset if he is. So he is simply holding back.

[sandylee1]

Did he cheat on her with you?

 

I'm not sure if telling you that she'll be in his life forever? Or just while her dad is sick?

 

Even if her dad gets better, there will be another crisis in the future.

 

Despite you not being happy with it, he's not going to stop and it will always be like this. If you get married , he'll still be in touch with her. He is still emotionally invested in her and vice versa, otherwise why contact your ex about your dad being sick.

They have a lot of history together and can very easily slip into an affair. Or he decides he's still got feelings for her.

 

You need to decide if you can tolerate her always being there as you can't control what he does. If you can't deal with it, you need to end the relationship. Otherwise you'll always be on edge and have nagging doubts in your mind , if you can live like that , then stay where you are.

 

 

ETA

Would he be fine if you were in contact with an ex for whatever reason?

Edited July 19, 2015 by sandylee1
ETA

[Arieswoman]

hellischrome,

 

He left her for me three years ago,

 

So now you and his wife have swapped roles and she is now the OW ?

 

All this is evidence that cheaters don't change.

 

You are now in the same position his wife was in years ago.

 

But still I can't get over the fact that he's not willing to shut her out completely and to put me as his first priority.

 

If you can't accept the above then dump him, because it seems to me that it's not going to change.

 

Sorry, but that's the way it is.

[Qboro90]

You've shown him that you cannot discuss this issue without getting upset or turning it into a fight. As a guy I can tell you that even if I am not doing anything wrong or shady but I know my gf will be pissed or it's going to start at argument or even just be a hassle if I tell you then I'm just not going to tell you and avoid that fight. You'll see her text him on his phone and when he offers to let you read the convo you decline or look away because you don't want to be "that girl". Unfortunately you are that girl who wants to see that convo to feel better about if it happens again then look at it and hopefully ease your mind.

 

He was with this woman for 10 years. That's a long time and him being concerned about her fathers health is not alarming or unusual in my opinion. It would be different if they were talking just to keep in touch but judging from your OP it says they haven't talked when it's not related to her dad. Believe it or not some people are able to remain friends with past partners. The fact that you live in a different country is a big deal. He's never going to just up and move out of the country to be with this girl. If you see something between them that is a red flag to a possible affair that's one thing, but he chose you over her years ago and deserves you to be self assured that that choice is still the same.

[hellischrome]

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's always great when I get to talk about it!

 

In order,

@DKT3: Yep, he holds back. He hasn't been upfront in the past so I started getting upset, so he would be even less upfront etc etc. Now it seems he's trying to "break" the circle (for example today he told me he got a message as soon as he saw it). I think the only way is to change our behaviour a bit, him trying to be upfront, me trying not to get upset about it.

 

@sandylee1: Unfortunately yes, he cheated on her with me. They were long distance for 2 years when it happened and they were actually on a break but then he decided it was over anyway as he wanted to be with me. It's been tough for him as his whole family was against it, it took him months to talk to them and convince them he was finally happy with me. Now his family accepted me fully, they are coming to visit us for a few months at the beginning of next year. My family is coming for Christmas and he offered to pay the full costs of accommodation for them (as I can't afford it, but he knows I miss them lots).

I think you are right when you say there will always be another crisis, but I also hope that with time she will decide to finally lean emotionally on her own boyfriend or someone else. I decided to try to give it time.

I don't think they can slip into an affair, she lives 14 thousand miles from here, and we are not planning to move back there anytime soon. He thought he had feelings for her at the beginning, but since then he's been always clear that things with her were over. Emotional affair is also out of question, he only communicates with her briefly (1/2 messages on whatsapp every time), then the rest of the day and the night he's always with me.

Regarding your last question, he knows I have sporadical contacts with my ex of 7 years (he also lives on the other side of the world), he's perfectly fine with it 'cause he always said he trusts that I know what to do and how to keep things under control (my ex kept trying to get back with me for a few months after we broke up). He doesn't want me to tell him when we have contact, he's fine with it, he leaves it to my own judgement. By the way, I am 27, he is 35.

 

@arieswoman: They weren't married, and I wouldn't say that a few messages exchanged of 3 months can be considered as cheating, :laugh::laugh:

 

@Qboro90: I am afraid you're the one who got it right

The guy perspective is what usually helps me the most. I know it sounds crazy but I really don't want to be "that girl", that's why I don't want to see the convos.

They never talk just to keep in touch, it's always about her dad. Last time he was back home for Christmas they did have a catch up, which lasted like 45 minutes and that was it.

And, I know he will never move away to be with her. He hasn't done it when they were together and that is what broke them up.

But he told me that if I have issues with my visa he will move somewhere else as long as he can be with me (leaving a very high paid job). He never did this for his ex of ten years, so this is a big thing for me. I wish I was strong enough to be self assured. Actually writing all of this made me feel better, so thanks.

[casey.lives]

her relying on her ex.. will not serve her future to finding a love of her own. sounds like codependency. he like to feel needed and she makes him so with some dire situation. who knew it could suck to be from a happy healthy well functioning home, and be a stable individual yourself??! you lose at loves game.. :/ maybe you should pretend you have cancer.. to keep your man... how sad. this could also be a sign that since he seems very motivated to help his friend in her time of "need" it might be his true calling and he should get a job in the nursing profession so he can be full filled as an individual and help everyone in "need" .. since he has such a big heart for stringing along exes....lol. GOOOOOOD MORNING!!LOL

Edited July 19, 2015 by casey.lives

[hellischrome]

@casey.lives, your post seems a bit extreme;)

[Lois_Griffin]

Now what's that saying again....?

 

Hmmm...having a tough time trying to remember it.

 

Damn.

 

Oh yeah - now I remember!

 

"If he'll do it WITH you, he'll do it TO you."

 

There's a lot of truth to this statement.

 

I don't get what's so special about a lying cheater that both of you women seem to think he's worth your time. I mean, seriously. The guy wouldn't know integrity, character or honesty if you shoved it up his ass and yet you two are STILL vying for his attention 10 years later.

 

Sorry. I don't get it.

 

Is he rich? Is he hung like a stallion?

 

I repeat - I don't get it.

[Arieswoman]

hellischrome6,

 

@arieswoman: They weren't married, and I wouldn't say that a few messages exchanged of 3 months can be considered as cheating,

 

Hmmm, maybe it depends what you mean by "cheating"? He cheated on her with you remember? So he doesn't think it's wrong to do this -it's possible there are more messages you don't know about.

Either way it's an EA (emotional affair) - he's taking attention/emotion/time away from you, when you should be his first priority.

 

Only you can decide how much of this you want to tolerate....

[anika99]

I had a look at your previous threads and looks like this has been a toxic unhealthy relationship since it started. He has dumped you numerous times, at this time last year told he didn't love you and told you the same thing the year before and on top of all of that he is refusing to cut ties with his ex. I read a thread of yours from last summer where he said he didn't want to post any pictures online of you and he together because that would upset his ex. I think the reason you are so insecure about their friendship is because you know that he still has feelings for her. He may not act on those feelings or do anything inappropriate with her but it's clear in his demeanor and what he says that he still loves his ex. Also it sounds like whenever he goes home to visit he spends time with her and you have to rely on whatever he tells you as the truth because you are not there.

 

 

I think you need to call this relationship done and go start a new relationship where it doesn't begin as cheating on anyone

[BetheButterfly]

Well, the title pretty much says it all. He left her for me three years ago, now we live together on the other side of the world.

 

Hmm.

 

This is the point of all our fights of the last two years, the fact that I don't like this and the fact that I can't get over it.

 

Why did he leave her for you? Were y'all having an affair?

 

He says I need to accept the fact that they've been together for 10 years and they were part of each other's family, and that he WANTS to know how things are going there.

 

That's understandable, though I understand why you don't want him to talk with her anymore. I wouldn't like for my husband to talk with his exgirlfriends. (I don't talk with my exes, though I'm not mad at them... I've just wished them the best and have let them go.)

 

I still I don't understand why I can't get over it.

 

Jealous and worry that he still has a part of himself that considers himself one still with her. That's understandable. I would feel the same.

 

Next week I will start seeing my therapist again, I really want to get to the bottom of it, but I really like people in this forum so I thought I'd vent here.

 

Thanks to anyone who will take the time to reply! :-)

 

Is your relationship built around what he does for you? If you truly love him, do you also love that he cares about the people in his life? It seems to me that he still cares about his ex-wife and her family. His caring for others (especially for you) is a part of what you love about him, yes?

[OldRover]

hellischrome,

 

First, I see absolutely no reason the a man can't be friends with his ex wife, especially with a 10 year (or more) relationship. Especially if they have others involved, like her day, perhaps a kid or whatever.

 

Not appropriate to date, but friends? Absolutely. I know MANY divorced couples that are still friend with their ex and doesn't affect the relationship with a new lover or friend one bit.... One friend (and he's ex's new husband) have no problem with his ex spending the night in his house when traveling to the area to visit the daughter... Obviously they don't share the same bed, but have an understanding and it works. While I wouldn't expect a lot of folks to understand that, but friends, talk, perhaps an occasional lunch is totally acceptable.

 

Now, if your SO is cheating on you or lying or misrepresenting... that's different and needs to change.

[minimariah]

...but I also hope that with time she will decide to finally lean emotionally on her own boyfriend or someone else.

 

i don't think she emotionally leans on your boyfriend -- i mean... they exchange a couple of texts in 10 days... emotionally leaning on someone means being in constant contact with that person, getting comfort & support from that person on DAILY basis... that's clearly not what's going on here.

 

when you look at it... if SHE leans on HIM -- then HE leans on HER because the contact isn't unwanted from his side. he is the one giving her thumbs up, no?

 

you're insecure & bothered with a reason... at least in my opinion. i'd be too -- after all, he refuses to "remove" one constant source of conflict in your relationship and for the life of me... i don't understand why. he is definitely old enough to know how to deal with the guilt & moving on. so i see your point when you say you're bothered by the fact that he isn't choosing you as his #1 priority.

 

then again... some guys really are clueless. communicate with him, seek couple counseling if needed... the worst thing you can do is to keep quiet and act like everything is just peachy. no worries, if you deal with this in a right way -- it will only make you even stronger as a couple.

Edited July 20, 2015 by minimariah

[writergal]

hellischrome have you ever heard that phrase, "don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option."

 

Do you feel like an option instead of a priority with your boyfriend?

 

Although it's not unusual that he's still emotionally attached to his ex-gf b/c of their 10 year relationship history together, the fact that he cheated on her with you doesn't exactly paint him in a very trustworthy light.

 

He needs to get his priorities straight. You or her.

 

But I also think you need to accept the fact that she's always going to be in his life. If this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to make that known if you haven't already, so you two can decide if you're going to stay together or break-up.

 

The more you harp on him for keeping her in his life, the farther you will push him away, and inadvertently back into her arms.

 

As long as you are honest with him and communicate openly with him, the relationship has a good chance of evolving past this awkward dynamic of having his ex-gf active in his life.

[hellischrome]

Thanks everyone once again. It's very interesting to see completely different opinions... I am also thinking that the reactions might different if the poster is a woman or a man, but I might be wrong.

 

@lois_griffin: Not sure about the statement. I did cheated on my ex boyfriend - wouldn't cheat on this one. I experience the pain on both sides and I am positive that I am not going to do it again. Ever. To anyone.

 

@arieswoman: Nope, he does know that is wrong to cheat. As our relationship started on not very honest basis, we made a pact and promised each other that the moment cheating was in the picture, we would say it. We both learned from past experiences so we are trying to better ourselves. And he is not taking attention/emotion/time away from me... ever. When they have contact he does not change in any way, he's always present with me 100%. He told me multiple times that not once their contact changed anything with us (and I actually know it).

 

@anika99: Yes, our RS has been very unhealthy in the past. We were both messed up when we started and we had to work A LOT on it. We both did therapy with a counselor (separately) for a period before reuniting. When he goes home they catch up and I have to rely on what he says - but I think that's the whole point of staying together? When I am out with my friends he has to rely on what I say, he has no way to check what I do or to control me. Yes, you are totally right in saying my insecurities come from the fact that deep down I am scared he has feelings for her and it's taking too long to "delete her" from his life. At the same time I feel bad for being "that person", the one that says -You shouldn't do this, you shouldn't do that-. He says I should trust his judgement.

 

@bethebutterfly: As I said in a previous post, when we met they were in a LDR for a couple of years already. They were going through a particularly bad moment and they were on a break, that's when we met and became friends and then one thing led to the other. He decided to break up with her to be with me in daylight.

I do talk to my ex of many years, but it's very occasional (it happens that we don't talk for 4 months, and then we exchange the occasional message once a month) and we don't rely emotionally on each other in any way. I have to say that if I were in the situation where my ex of a lifetime has a very difficult period and keeps me updated, I would have a very hard time ignoring his messages. I still care a lot about him, we grew up together, I don't think I could just say -Sorry, your dad is very sick but I am not interested-. Lastly: I do like that he cares deeply for the people in his life, he is the kind of person that actually cares for people he loves. He still cares for his ex-girlfriend and never tried to hide that, he's always been upfront with it. He clearly explained to me that he has been part of her family for almost 10 years and he still cares for them. Obviously his caring for others and especially for me it's something that I like about him, but it seems to me that I can't get over the fact that he cares about someone that is not me.

 

@OldRover: You must be a man They were not married and they don't have kids. He says he wants to be her friend cause he obviously still cares, especially now in this time of troubles. As far as I know he never cheated on me. I asked him not to contact her first and he did for a while, then told me she kept writing to him anyway and he didn't want a weird situation. He told me he wanted to try to make it "normal" so he told me he would write to her occasionally like normal friends would do (and he-s been upfront about it). Now when she writes, he tells me (and he tells me what it is about). The only time he lied to me is more than a year ago. He told me they met and they only talked about work and her dad. After 6 months I found out that time she also asked him if he was seeing someone, and when he said he was in a RS she told him not to tell her when he was in town, cause it was "useless". Then apparently she got together with someone else, and started being friendly towards my partner again. The times he's not upfront about it and doesn't tell me first, if I ask he says the truth. (example: I see a message popping up when he's in the toilet. After a week I casually ask if he heard from her recently and he says yes, she wrote to me about this this and that).

 

I think what really bothers me eventually is that he wouldn't give up talking to her to make me happy.

[writergal]

 

I do talk to my ex of many years, but it's very occasional (it happens that we don't talk for 4 months, and then we exchange the occasional message once a month) and we don't rely emotionally on each other in any way.

 

So, if you stay in touch with ex-bfs occasionally, why are you holding your boyfriend to a different standard?

 

I have to say that if I were in the situation where my ex of a lifetime has a very difficult period and keeps me updated, I would have a very hard time ignoring his messages. I still care a lot about him, we grew up together, I don't think I could just say -Sorry, your dad is very sick but I am not interested-.

 

Your boyfriend is in this situation right now. It seems like you are jealous of his ex-gf. Seems like a double-standard to me. It's ok if you don't ignore your ex-bf for contacting you, but it's not ok that your boyfriend responds to his ex-gf about her sick father.

 

Lastly: I do like that he cares deeply for the people in his life, he is the kind of person that actually cares for people he loves. He still cares for his ex-girlfriend and never tried to hide that, he's always been upfront with it. He clearly explained to me that he has been part of her family for almost 10 years and he still cares for them. Obviously his caring for others and especially for me it's something that I like about him, but it seems to me that I can't get over the fact that he cares about someone that is not me.

 

Why do you feel so insecure? Because he cheated on her with you and your relationship didn't start off on a foundation of trust? If that hasn't been resolved, that is something for you to explore in therapy again, and may be why you are jealous of the attention he is giving to his ex-gf about her father.

 

If he is a caring boyfriend to everyone in his life, and he's been a good boyfriend to you, then I think this situation is more about your feelings of insecurity because of the way your relationship started 2.5 years ago. You sound very possessive (the bolded). Try not to be so possessive as that will definitely drive your boyfriend away.

[hellischrome]

Wow, so many replies! Thank you so much all!

 

@minimariah: Ok, maybe saying that she emotionally leans on him is not correct. It's still about very personal things... I asked him if he shares personal stuff with her and he said no, sometimes he says something about his job and that's pretty much it. And contact is not unwanted from his side, no (but should it be? I mean, I am happy when my ex thinks of me and writes to me).

You're right, he refuses to remove this thing from our life. He said I have to trust him and that is not right to ask him to stop talking to her completely, he doesn't want to. So then I asked that he tells me when there's contact, and he is actually following up.

Thanks for the last bit of advice. I have big communication problems (in general, I think), and I don't know how to talk to him about it AGAIN.

 

@writergal: I always felt a priority with him when I think that he... left his fiance for me, went against his family & friends who took it very badly, at some point just told his family that they had to accept me whether they liked it or not. Compromised on SO many things (IF he goes out without me he has to tell me well in advance, and he has to get back to my texts as soon as he sees them. Or, if he catches up with his ex (once a year) I want to know in advance, I want to know when they're done, I want to know what they talk about (not in details though). He always check with me before doing pretty much anything and he certainly was not used to that. So if I think about these things yeah, I'm his priority.

[hellischrome]

Writergal, thank you so much for your reply. I will ask my therapist to explore what you said as I think you might be right. Deep down I am thinking - he did it to her, he can do it to me. If I think in a logical way it doesn't make sense (I could say the same of myself then!), but it's all still illogically there.

[writergal]

Writergal, thank you so much for your reply. I will ask my therapist to explore what you said as I think you might be right. Deep down I am thinking - he did it to her, he can do it to me. If I think in a logical way it doesn't make sense (I could say the same of myself then!), but it's all still illogically there.

 

I think that is a great idea. It may help you loosen up control too, so that you don't have to feel like you need to "police" your boyfriend's texting and social life when you're not around. Trust takes time to earn and seconds to lose.