Gf keeps falling asleep on the few nights we spend together.

[Qboro90]

My gf and I have been together for 3.5 years and overall our relationship is incredible. There is one thing that does irk me and it is her tendency to fall asleep on/next to me pretty often when we do see each other.

 

A little background might help also understand why this bothers me. Ever since we began dating we have pretty much been limited to seeing one another Friday-Sunday due to our work schedules. We've both talked about how we wish we could spend more time together and have done things such as a mid week visit or I'll stop by her place on my lunch break and spend 30mins-half hr with her. I started my dream job this past April and work 7-5/6pm mon-fri while she is a nurse who works 3pm-11pm mon-fri as well as 1 weekend day a month. She's also doing overtime about 2days a week where she goes in at 10am so that's limited our lunch hang out as of late. This all is fine with me as i know we are both working hard to save as much money as possible so that this time next year we can get a house.

 

Ever since we started dating we would be together on a fri or sat night, and if we're just hanging out or if we go to dinner and come back to my place we sit our beds or couch. She'll lay on me cuddling and by 9pm, 10pm, 1030 she'll be passed out sleeping. I've discussed with her how this disappoints me as we each look forward to seeing one another all week and then when she's actually with me she can't keep her eyes open. She's pretty understanding and every time we've discussed it she'll go about a month or two without falling asleep but then it starts happening again as it just did last night. Am I being a jerk by wanting a conscious gf on the 1-2 nights I get to see her? I work just as many hours if not more and don't have this happen ever.

 

Not to mention I get really geared up to have sex/be intimate with her and end up disappointed. Our sex life is great when we have it and she loves it as do I. I don't think this is an issue of her not wanting it or anything deeper emotionally. More so that she's comfortable and just falls asleep and doesn't find it as rude as I do. This doesn't happen every week but it happens at least 2-3 times a month avg, sometimes more . This is a lot when you consider how little we're together.

I've tried seeing if she can wake up before 2am so we could have sex and it's happened a few times but more often than not she sleeps through or I end up falling asleep later on as well.

 

Is there anything more I can do? Anything else I should say/do here? I get worried that the habits we form now will set the stage for how we act when we're married/living together. Any suggestions would be appreciated, thanks.

[S_A]

I think you and I are experiencing the same exact thing. Been with my GF for 4.5 years, and we only see each other on weekends.

 

My opinion? You should feel flattered. She probably does not sleep well when you're not around. You make her feel safe... secure.

 

My GF calls me her sleeping pill. She feels much better when I am next to her. She passed out hard next to me tonight before 9:00pm. She says she does not sleep as well when I am not next to her. She'll sleep on top of me, her head on my chest, whatever. I find it flattering tbh.

 

Yes, it can be a drag sometimes, but you shouldn't dare make a fuss about it because she clearly needs her rest (she is entitled to it; her body and mind need it), and because it's another one of those ways that she shows love IMO (albeit indirectly). Rude is you waking her up when your woman needs rest. And yes, I also get that this means less sex. Just be ready to go in the morning

Edited July 19, 2015 by S_A

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think you're being unfair/unreasonable to be honest. You work lots of hours yes, but she works weird shifts. You work a pretty standard shift pattern that enables you to settle into a normal rhythm of wake up when the sun rises, go to work, get home for your evening meal and have weekends off. She's getting up, going to work, but then staying there until nearly midnight, plus the overtime, plus the weekend work when she should normally be relaxing and recharging.

 

I don't know what you do also but nursing is incredibly demanding. They're barely off their feet, lots of mental stress and pressure of having lives in their hands, lots of emotional toll, most nurses I know by the end of their shift are dead on their feet.

 

You're both working hard, if I were you I'd take the tack that the important thing is to see one another, whether you're awake or cuddling asleep. It's not fair on her to have this pressure of being shattered and knowing if she falls asleep you're going to be angry at her. Plus it's not like she's falling asleep during a lunch date, she's sleeping at a normal time! You sound a bit demanding. I've had a partner before who'd get mad at me for falling asleep when I LITERALLY couldn't help it, couldn't keep my eyes open and I thought he was being a selfish jerk, it's a natural bodily reaction to being tired and chances are she's trying her best to stay awake because she knows it upsets you.

 

If you want a girlfriend who'll stay awake until the early hours just to be in your presence, don't date a nurse, or live with your girlfriend already so you see each other more often. Honestly, when I started dating my current boyfriend I was working nearly 80 hours per week, we still ended up seeing each other every night after a couple months and then living together after six months but our attitude was all that matters is being near each other, if that meant a twenty minute kiss and talk after a 15 hour day and then sleeping in one another's arms, then wonderful. At least we're together.

 

Anything more you can do or say? Tell her that you know she works hard and if she wants to go to bed earlier she only has to say, you respect that she needs to recharge and that she works really hard and all that matters is that she's sleeping in your arms and you have her there with you. Ease off the pressure, it's not fair on her. If the relationship is good it's not that she's sleeping to avoid speaking to you really, is it? It's that she's tired. So try not to take it as a sign that she isn't putting in enough effort or doesn't care. She will love you even more for respecting her enough to say if you wanna sleep, sleep. Otherwise on her nights off she'll stop seeing you at all and just stay home so she can rest without being bugged about it.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Rude is you waking her up when your woman needs rest.

 

Exactly. If you love someone you should be supportive of them doing what they need to function. You wouldn't try withhold food from her when she's starving and hasn't eaten much all week.

[Qboro90]

Thanks for the replies, they're appreciated. Just to be clear I have never yelled at her or gotten upset with her for doing this and the times I've brought it up its never been in an aggressive or rude way. The reason I brought it up in this thread was because yesterday she had the day off from work, came over at 6:30, we went to dinner, came back to my place and she was asleep by 845/9pm. I knew she didn't do anything that would've took a toll on her during the day as she just hung out at home and returned something at the mall.

 

I guess I just want her to be able to stay up long enough so we could have sex if I'm being honest. We both still live at home with our families so doing it before/earlier in the day/or the following morning is out of the question. If she stayed up till 1030/11pm that's all needed to have sex. Once that's over go right to bed, no problem.

 

I'm doing everything I can to speed up the process of getting a place to live together. She's got student loans to pay off so I'm doing most of the saving right now for both of us which I'm totally ok with and want to do. "Just move out already" isn't the advice I need for this. Trust me I'm trying as fast as I can.

 

I'll ease up on taking it personally, seems like that's all I can do. When you have a gorgeous gf and look forward all week to seeing her and having sex it just gets a little bit frustrating because I know I'll have to wait another week until we get another chance.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Even if she had the day off, the previous days of work were probably still taking a toll on her. Have you ever had it where on your day off you just needed to rest and sleep? Plus it depends what you're doing, if I'm laid with somebody watching a movie I can guarantee no matter what time of day it is, I'll probably fall asleep because I feel so safe and snug and warm and horizontal!

 

So it's the sex issue that's at the root of it, well at least now you know what you're working with and why it bothers you, it's not the sleeping itself, it's that the sleeping means no sex. The sex issue is something entirely different. Sounds like you're quite limited as to when you can have sex, I can understand being frustrated if you're excited all week to do it with her and then don't... have you tried talking to her about it at all? The not being able to have sex could take a toll on your relationship long term. I think it's unreasonable to have a problem with her sleeping but it seems reasonable to feel like your sexual needs aren't being met and it's something you should probably talk about, maybe she doesn't realise that's at the core of it, maybe she just thinks it's the sleeping. Can you reach a compromise? For example, I've never really minded being woken up for sex, it's actually kinda hot if you've agreed beforehand that it's okay to wake up with somebody already stimulating you, to wake up horny. How do you think she'd respond if you told her that after waiting all week you can't wait to make love to her, does she feel the same way?

[S_A]

I get your sex frustration... But that still does not trump her need/desire for rest. My GF is almost always horny, but when she feels like passing out then she's not going to be in the mood.

[Arieswoman]

Qboro90,

My husband did this when we were courting and he still does it now but not so much. He's a shift worker and sometimes has to be up at silly o'clock and at other times he works late (after midnight).

 

You should be proud that your girlfriend has a professional position where she works caring for others. She is also a hard worker it seems, who is prepared to put the hours in. There are many guys who post here who moan they have ditsy girlfriends who expect to be waited on hand & foot and have everything paid for.

 

More so that she's comfortable and just falls asleep and doesn't find it as rude as I do. This doesn't happen every week but it happens at least 2-3 times a month avg, sometimes more .

 

2-3 times a month is nothing considering the punishing shifts that she's doing.

 

I would have a talk with her and see where she sees herself in a year's time. It is possible that she could move to a more supervisory position by then where the shifts weren't so erratic. There are Nursing Tutor positions and others ( in UK anyway) that don't involve shift work.

 

How old are you both BTW?

[GemmaUK]

You are working much more standard hours than she is.

When she goes to sleep during the week her sleep will be interrupted in the mornings when her folks get up and off to work unless they all work shifts too. Whereas you are likely to be getting a good full nights sleep during the week.

Working the hours she does means her eating patterns will not be consistent either.

 

Also, not to sound sexist but being female she is likely to have less muscle mass than yourself - muscle = energy and stamina.

Whilst you might be able to do her hours of work will little effect it's goinf to take a greater toll on her energy levels.

 

I have also found myself that consistently doing longer days (like yours at 11/12 hours) is less tiring than working a generally shorter day and then having certain days where 5 hours are added in to the equation.

 

Instead of going out then returning home to watch a dvd you could skip the dvd. After an exhausting week there's nothing better than food followed by a dvd to send me right off to sleep.

[Gloria25]

Then she should not be dating...period

 

Look, if your profession takes up so much time/energy that you frequently put your SO and/or kids on the backburner, then why did you have kids and/or start dating? I'd have the same response if this thread was about a man.

 

 

 

I say have a serious talk with your gf. Either she wants to be in a RL or be dedicated to her work. In life when we chose one path, it takes away things we want if we chose another path.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content retained.

[Qboro90]

Even if she had the day off, the previous days of work were probably still taking a toll on her. Have you ever had it where on your day off you just needed to rest and sleep? Plus it depends what you're doing, if I'm laid with somebody watching a movie I can guarantee no matter what time of day it is, I'll probably fall asleep because I feel so safe and snug and warm and horizontal!

 

So it's the sex issue that's at the root of it, well at least now you know what you're working with and why it bothers you, it's not the sleeping itself, it's that the sleeping means no sex. The sex issue is something entirely different. Sounds like you're quite limited as to when you can have sex, I can understand being frustrated if you're excited all week to do it with her and then don't... have you tried talking to her about it at all? The not being able to have sex could take a toll on your relationship long term. I think it's unreasonable to have a problem with her sleeping but it seems reasonable to feel like your sexual needs aren't being met and it's something you should probably talk about, maybe she doesn't realise that's at the core of it, maybe she just thinks it's the sleeping. Can you reach a compromise? For example, I've never really minded being woken up for sex, it's actually kinda hot if you've agreed beforehand that it's okay to wake up with somebody already stimulating you, to wake up horny. How do you think she'd respond if you told her that after waiting all week you can't wait to make love to her, does she feel the same way?

 

 

I have brought it up to her in the past that it's the sex issue which leaves me disappointed. She understands and I actually have woken her up a few times around midnight or 1-2am and we have sex then. A couple times she loved it and was glad I woke her up but there was also a couple other times where I felt bad bc she definitely just was in full deep sleep and would've preferred to sleep through the night. The fact that we have discussed this a handful of times and it still happens has started to make me feel like she's not as thrilled/looking forward to the sex. This is just in my head as I told her that and she said that nothing could be farther then the truth.

 

I just want to be like "babe, just stay up for another hour , 90 minutes, then you can clock out! Haha". I feel a bit selfish but like I've said our time together is very limited so wasted nights where she's asleep seem like a much bigger deal as opposed to of we were a couple that saw each other daily.

[Qboro90]

We have a great relationship, she's an incredible gf and we plan on getting married next year. The "wasted" nights together is the only thing I struggle with at times.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted content redacted

[SolG]

I am exactly like your GF I'm afraid. I'm not a shift worker, but I give my all during the work week. Come Friday night you could be Adonis on a stick and you're not going to keep me up past 9ish.

 

Going out to dinner decreases the odds of action as: tired + food & wine = even more sleeeeeeeepy. Then take me home and lay on a couch with me and expect me to stay awake? Are you crazy? It is also a statistical fact that 99.9% of movies (either at home or in a cinema) will put me to sleep on a Friday night. And it is highly probable that either scenario will involve snoring and/or drool.

 

Hot tip; if sex on date night is an issue... do that first! Before you go out and the sleepies set in. This is actually my preference. Seduce her while she's getting ready. Use bubbles, flowers, lingerie... whatever floats her boat.

 

Just quietly, sex before dinner also makes the appetite better for that meal you're about to enjoy.

 

Good luck!

 

EDIT TO ADD: Just noticed the bit about you not being able to do it earlier or in the mornings because you're at home. That is a quandry :/ Although I don't understand exactly why that would be if you can have sex at night at home, why can't you have it during the day at home?

Edited July 19, 2015 by SolG

[mrs rubble]

This is a shift work issue. I have worked a variety of shifts during my 25 years of medical work in a hospital it has it pros and cons.

Personally I find the 3-11pm shift the hardest as you are often unable to unwind after you get home for sometime (takes me a couple of hours sometimes) then the rest of the house is up at first light for their early start... They may want you to give them a lift somewhere or let the carpet cleaner in or take the dog to the vet. By the end of the week you are knackered.

On the plus side if you have a young family these shifts can work really well, meaning less daycare needs, 2 incomes, kids spending quality time alone with each parent.

 

I would encourage her to try and find hours to complement the both of you as you journey through your lives together.

[veggirl]

If she regularly works until 11p I'd think she'd be more of a night owl, not falling asleep at 9p when you are together. What's her sleep schedule like the rest of the week? I mean does she stay up til 4a and then try to go to work at 10a?

[Gloria25]

I'm not saying your gf is a terrible person. I'm just saying that she's been brainwashed to put tending to her man on the backburner because she somehow learned that sex is not important to a man - that her job is.

 

Now, while you say this issue that you are posting about is just the "one little thing" affecting your RL. Then it's enough for you to post about it. It's sorta like a stain on a white shirt. It may be the size of a dime, but you can't help but notice it. If sex isn't important to you (or men), then this shouldn't be an issue for you, right? See, many people are ignorant about what sex means to men. It's more than just a physical release - it's how he "connects" with his woman and cuz it's lacking in your RL, you are feeling a loss of "connection".

 

If you marry her and have kids one day, how is she going to be there for all of you if work leaves her so drained? What kind of quality RL/marriage/parenting is that going to be.

 

Food for thought.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You're both adults. Budget some money for a local decent hotel room for the weekends that she doesn't work. Spend the majority of that time together. There's not much better things to do than have marathon sex & cuddling sessions with your lover after not seeing her for awhile. Bring a DVD player, have take out food & turn the phones off for awhile. Make the focus of the weekend on both of you.

[sportygirl89]

Nursing uses a lot of energy. She moves 200lb+ patients daily. Most of the time the nurses are constantly moving around and checking sure the patient is fine. She could just be exhausted. I used to work the 3-11 shift as a tech. You already give up most of your social and some of your sleep. All I would want to do is sleep after it. 3-11 shift is most often the shift with new admissions.

[lana-banana]

OP: my boyfriend and I work night shifts occasionally. When it gets too busy we resort to scheduled sexytime. That way we both know to get as much rest as we can or drink extra coffee and tea if we need to. We also both enjoy dreaming up romantic post-sexytime activities like a bubble bath, hot chocolate, back massages, etc. It may be a little extra effort but I promise you it's worth it.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted content redacted

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Clearly, you need to be chasing her around the halls of her hospital. She get breaks ;-)

[spiderowl]

Hmm, barely having chance to have sex with your girlfriend doesn't seem a very good foundation for a relationship. You'd think she would want that too and make an effort not to sleep. I can't imagine going to sleep if I only saw my boyfriend so infrequently. Yes, you are both working very hard and that is a hindrance. The shifts she is working may make a difference to her too, in that her body clock may be altered. But, despite all this, I think you need to talk about this. If she is missing the only opportunities for sex each week then what kind of relationship is this, just a friendship?

[MidwestUSA]

Clearly, you need to be chasing her around the halls of her hospital. She get breaks ;-)

 

Oh darling, it's just not like Grey's Anatomy anymore.

 

I don't ever recall getting a break on my twelve hour night shifts. So no hanky panky in the call rooms.

[Arieswoman]

I'm not saying your gf is a terrible person. I'm just saying that she's been brainwashed to put tending to her man on the backburner because she somehow learned that sex is not important to a man - that her job is.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one calling BS on this ^^^

 

The OP's girl is putting in the graft to get job experience. She's got ambition. She maybe wants to be a nurse manager of some kind in the future but there is no short-cut to the top.

 

In UK, Nurse managers of care homes can earn about 40k a year, Health Visitors start at 25K rising to 34.5K and specialists 30.5 k (and it's 9 - 5 only for these positions) but they need the experience for these positions.

 

Nursing is a profession where you can take Career Breaks to have/raise a family and many do.

[autumnnight]

What about shaking up the schedule? She comes over, you have sex THEN, then take a nice shower together, and THEN go to dinner. Then if she falls asleep after, you have still had intimacy and she can just settle in next to you.

[preraph]

Oh, for God's sake, let the poor woman sleep! She wouldn't be falling asleep if she didn't really need the rest. She has a hard job. She's exhausted. You aren't her and she isn't you, so how your energy and sleep levels are compared to hers is irrelevant. Let her sleep uninterrupted as much as she wants and then at least she will be good company when she is awake.