NewLeaf512 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 To feel normal again? (NC in force) I find myself between complete composure and roller coaster emotions. Not at all tempted to break NC. It's more about how I feel. I woke up this morning and showered did my hair and face (trying to take care of myself) didn't really think too much. Just looked at the clock and realised exMM is right now. At his church assisting the Priest to get ready for Sunday services and will soon be doing readings and helping hand out communion and I was first angry and then wanted to vomit and then wanted to hit myself in the head for being an idiot and now just feel sad about it all. I am taking an elderly former Lecturer to lunch to make sure I eat and she's fab company, love to hear all of her old stories. How long will this up and down last? It's been 17 days. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 It will last as long as YOU let it!! You are the only one in control of you. If you sit around remanicing about your affair it will consume you and you will break NC and be like some of the others months and months from now, sitting around in their pity party for their lost love affair with someone elses husband You can change that. but only you can do it Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 No cut and dry answer. It is different for everyone.... If one of us actually had the magic answer, we could probably sell it and be rich (hell, I know I would...) Allow yourself to mourn, grieve, and feel. don't rush it, because then you just end up burying unresolved feelings, but do not get stuck either. Do what you can to help the healing process, counseling is a great thing if you aren't in it already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 How long will this up and down last? It's been 17 days. I think it s important to spend some time with our emotions, so we can process them and heal. i also wish i d knew the answer to this question. it s day 2 for me. it s a loss and we have to grieve. cry, scream, break something if u need, it all helps to take out the anger, frustration, sadness... all that happens until we get to ACCEPTANCE it s hard. sometimes i think that the reason it is so hard to let go and we get stuck between emotions is that we blame ourselves for everything : having the affair in the first place, going thru all the pain, accepting bad behaviour, lies, promisses... one thing i m feeling it s rejected. yes, he didnt chose to be with me, as hard as the situation was for him also. and with this comes the question "is it something wrong with me that he didn t chose me?" i m sure the answer is no, it s not about me, it s about him. but yet my self esteem seems to not care about my judgement. i m sure everyone in here feels this deep down, not being chosen, not having a chance with that man, not having a chance to be something more for that man. i remember all the things i wanted to do with him, all the things that would show him how i really am, what i like to do, how can i be out there in the real world. what i m trying to say is that we have to find peace in our hearts and forgive ourselves. for everyting we think that we need to. what s done is done and i can t wait for us all to open a thread someday about our new lives and husbands and kids (of our own, of course) take care of u and post here whenever u feel like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 How long will this up and down last? It's been 17 days. I think it s important to spend some time with our emotions, so we can process them and heal. i also wish i d knew the answer to this question. it s day 2 for me. it s a loss and we have to grieve. cry, scream, break something if u need, it all helps to take out the anger, frustration, sadness... all that happens until we get to ACCEPTANCE it s hard. sometimes i think that the reason it is so hard to let go and we get stuck between emotions is that we blame ourselves for everything : having the affair in the first place, going thru all the pain, accepting bad behaviour, lies, promisses... one thing i m feeling it s rejected. yes, he didnt chose to be with me, as hard as the situation was for him also. and with this comes the question "is it something wrong with me that he didn t chose me?" i m sure the answer is no, it s not about me, it s about him. but yet my self esteem seems to not care about my judgement. i m sure everyone in here feels this deep down, not being chosen, not having a chance with that man, not having a chance to be something more for that man. i remember all the things i wanted to do with him, all the things that would show him how i really am, what i like to do, how can i be out there in the real world. what i m trying to say is that we have to find peace in our hearts and forgive ourselves. for everyting we think that we need to. what s done is done and i can t wait for us all to open a thread someday about our new lives and husbands and kids (of our own, of course) take care of u and post here whenever u feel like it. Thanks for the post. The first couple of days I absolutely was hurt about not being "chosen" and dumbfounded too. We all know that MM/MW don't usually tell the truth about BW/BH because it suits their purposes but in my case I had some interaction with her prior to him announcing he was separated and I do know she was a good mother but from what I observed a challenging personality but I know for a fact that what I was told and what is true are oceans apart. I'm in the place you mention above: feeling stupid, embarrassed, ashamed and blaming myself. I'm also horrified at my part in hurt caused to BW There's no reminiscing: you can't reminisce on a lie, on fakery. All the future faking I believed hook line and sinker. I need to forgive myself. He's a douche. I found out I wasn't his first A and I'm sure not to be the last. What I feel for him is disgust and contempt. Your post helped. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 No cut and dry answer. It is different for everyone.... If one of us actually had the magic answer, we could probably sell it and be rich (hell, I know I would...) Allow yourself to mourn, grieve, and feel. don't rush it, because then you just end up burying unresolved feelings, but do not get stuck either. Do what you can to help the healing process, counseling is a great thing if you aren't in it already. Thanks for your post Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Took me about 4 months. I was back and forth for longer than that. But at four months I started to KNOW NC was the right thing and I stopped "wondering what exMM was doing" etc etc. Love turned to hate/repulsion and over the last 18 months has calmed into indifference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 To feel normal again? (NC in force) I find myself between complete composure and roller coaster emotions. Not at all tempted to break NC. It's more about how I feel. I woke up this morning and showered did my hair and face (trying to take care of myself) didn't really think too much. Just looked at the clock and realised exMM is right now. At his church assisting the Priest to get ready for Sunday services and will soon be doing readings and helping hand out communion and I was first angry and then wanted to vomit and then wanted to hit myself in the head for being an idiot and now just feel sad about it all. I am taking an elderly former Lecturer to lunch to make sure I eat and she's fab company, love to hear all of her old stories. How long will this up and down last? It's been 17 days. Dday has nothing to do with it - red herring. Its the emotions that you must deal with. And if you need someone to talk to - IC can be helpful. But really, at the end of the day, the path forward is to forgive yourself. And you aren't there yet. How long? As long as you choose. Yes, its a choice. Want to drop something - choose to do it. But even in your own post...thoughts turned to MM and his routine and his actions. Still a bond. Still the energy given to him. You do control what you think about yes? Concentrate on you. Work on you. Who cares if he is a hypocrite? How does that impact you NOW? Who cares if he is a lying smiling fraud? Get to that place. Its a journey - one step at a time. Find friends and confidants and LS and IC to work through it. You'll get there - unless you decided to not get there. Its all choice - and really, the question before you is simple: What kind of life do you want to lead now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 My dday was 14 months ago.... Last summer I was a mess... This year I definitely went through a lot of emotions and thank god I have good friends who I spoke to about it, and I stayed busy.. The only time things got rough was if he contacted me and got his ego boost then disappeared again leaving me in a tailspin... So I finally blocked and its the best thing I ever did... I'm now okay! Sometimes I get angry...sometimes I'll get sad, but other than a quick thought here or there, I'm living my life and I'm okay!! You will be too,but there is no clear cut path, you must feel all these emotions and work through them and it may take you a little bit of time with a few setbacks here and there, but you can do it..... You'll be okay too! I promise!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I've read things along the lines of people who suddenly found themselves singing along with the radio or found themselves laughing at something funny and were surprised to realize they were doing it. I've also heard people say they realized they'd gotten through the day without crying or feeling horribly depressed and hadn't realized it until they were getting ready for bed. I honestly just think it's like a slow coming back to who you were, little steps at a time, and something that you don't really glaringly notice as it's happening. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 It takes time but a big part of that isn't him. It's ridding yourself of the toxic behaviors and feeling normal again. Affairs play games with your head. Once you get away from it, you have to process how you go there. That means taking responsibility and moving forward. Letting go of the "what ifs." Continually reminding yourself that you want and deserve more. In order to stay in the affair, you had to convince yourself to believe crazy things. Coming out, you have to accept that you tricked yourself. I think that's harder to deal with this anything the MM said. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 Dday has nothing to do with it - red herring. Its the emotions that you must deal with. And if you need someone to talk to - IC can be helpful. But really, at the end of the day, the path forward is to forgive yourself. And you aren't there yet. How long? As long as you choose. Yes, its a choice. Want to drop something - choose to do it. But even in your own post...thoughts turned to MM and his routine and his actions. Still a bond. Still the energy given to him. You do control what you think about yes? Concentrate on you. Work on you. Who cares if he is a hypocrite? How does that impact you NOW? Who cares if he is a lying smiling fraud? Get to that place. Its a journey - one step at a time. Find friends and confidants and LS and IC to work through it. You'll get there - unless you decided to not get there. Its all choice - and really, the question before you is simple: What kind of life do you want to lead now? Thanks for your post. You are right. It's not for me to worry or care about anymore. I had the lunch out with my elderly friend which was very nice, and she is very entertaining. The sun was out so that was lovely too. I am in IC every Friday. My therapist is awesome and I have been seeing him for years, originally it was for grief counselling and then self-awareness and now it will be around this as more of a focus. I want to find a new role, get mentally and physically healthy. Maybe take a well deserved holiday, read some books and not date. Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Thanks for your post. You are right. It's not for me to worry or care about anymore. I had the lunch out with my elderly friend which was very nice, and she is very entertaining. The sun was out so that was lovely too. I am in IC every Friday. My therapist is awesome and I have been seeing him for years, originally it was for grief counselling and then self-awareness and now it will be around this as more of a focus. I want to find a new role, get mentally and physically healthy. Maybe take a well deserved holiday, read some books and not date. i m happy u had a nice day. i didn t go out, it was too hot. u will get better in time. imagine the evolution of a butterfly that gets me going. all this pain now it s the future happiness. hug Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 It takes time but a big part of that isn't him. It's ridding yourself of the toxic behaviors and feeling normal again. Affairs play games with your head. Once you get away from it, you have to process how you go there. That means taking responsibility and moving forward. Letting go of the "what ifs." Continually reminding yourself that you want and deserve more. In order to stay in the affair, you had to convince yourself to believe crazy things. Coming out, you have to accept that you tricked yourself. I think that's harder to deal with this anything the MM said. that's very true. things I could have easily identify in a normal state as a complete lie were truer than true when I was in cognitive dissonance. Thanks for the post Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 Took me about 4 months. I was back and forth for longer than that. But at four months I started to KNOW NC was the right thing and I stopped "wondering what exMM was doing" etc etc. Love turned to hate/repulsion and over the last 18 months has calmed into indifference. goodbye that is exactly where I want to get to indifference and apathy. Even anger is a wasted emotion. Thanks for your response Link to post Share on other sites
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