Stuck!

[Lostgirl50]

it has been a year an a half since my divorce was final. It appears that I am now stuck, in limbo as it were. During my divorce I went back to school, came out of that and landed a job immediately. So instead of going to school every day I go to work. I escape my personnel life at work. I come home where I live with one 18 year old son, and basically wallow in the past memories. I am too exhausted to do anything else. I miss my family I once had - the ex husband and other son. I should mention I was married for over 25 years. I was active before doing all kinds if activities from hiking, four wheeling, cross country skiing etc. Now, I have had no interest - who wants to do those things alone ? Plus by the time I get home I am exhausted. I literally pour everything into my job mentally. I then get to thinking about the ex and the good times. I know he is alone too after work. Any who I do not know how to move forward now. yes, I am still in pain from losing my family. No, I am not interested in going out and banging whomever wants to. Not my style. Suggestions anyone?

[Brigit_1]

it has been a year an a half since my divorce was final. It appears that I am now stuck, in limbo as it were. During my divorce I went back to school, came out of that and landed a job immediately. So instead of going to school every day I go to work. I escape my personnel life at work. I come home where I live with one 18 year old son, and basically wallow in the past memories. I am too exhausted to do anything else. I miss my family I once had - the ex husband and other son. I should mention I was married for over 25 years. I was active before doing all kinds if activities from hiking, four wheeling, cross country skiing etc. Now, I have had no interest - who wants to do those things alone ? Plus by the time I get home I am exhausted. I literally pour everything into my job mentally. I then get to thinking about the ex and the good times. I know he is alone too after work. Any who I do not know how to move forward now. yes, I am still in pain from losing my family. No, I am not interested in going out and banging whomever wants to. Not my style. Suggestions anyone?

 

Are you religious or spiritual?

[casey.lives]

This is why having friends is important. never neglect our friends.. love lives can be turbulent so to rely on them alone for one's emotional health is unwise.

go out with your friends and get outside of thinking about you and think of others instead.

[Lostgirl50]

No I am neither religious or spiritual.

 

 

The friends I had are all married still with their families. I guess you could say they were "our" friends. At first I kept contact with them, and then it became obvious that they were his friends. Therefore, I dropped out you could say.

 

 

Thank you both for replying !

[Brigit_1]

No I am neither religious or spiritual.

 

 

The friends I had are all married still with their families. I guess you could say they were "our" friends. At first I kept contact with them, and then it became obvious that they were his friends. Therefore, I dropped out you could say.

 

 

Thank you both for replying !

 

OK. Right now you sound very depressed and lonely. I've been there many times and I'm sure I'll be there again. I know you said you aren't spiritual - which is fine. When I'm in the place you are now I turn to listing to spiritual speakers. It seems to make me feel less alone. This is Tara Brach she's what you'd call a sweet feminist :

 

Tara Brach - Video Teaching - Part 1: Vulnerability, Intimacy, & Spiritual Awakening

[Arieswoman]

Lostgirl50,

Be kind to yourself.

 

You were married 25 years and now it's gone. If you were able to get over it quickly, then I'd say you were a very shallow person. But you're not, so you need time, lots of it.

 

No-one can speed-grieve, everyone comes to things in their own time.

 

18 months isn't long to grieve for a 25 year marriage. I'm afraid there is no way through it except through it. Just ride it out for the moment.

You probably feel at this moment in time that you will never get through it, that there is no way you can ever move on and feel better than you do now.

 

But there is.

 

You will get through this, you will feel better, and you'll be able to live love and laugh again.

 

There are lot's of people who post here (including myself) who have been where you are now and we know it's not a good place to be. But we survived and so can you.

 

One day at a time.

 

Good luck x

[endlessabyss]

I know the pain, to some extent. Even though I wasn't married, I was in a LTR, with a kid, and lost it very quickly. These were the people I genuinely thought would be in my life forever.

 

 

Life, for me, hasn't been the same since, and I am left with pleasant memories I wish I could revisit, daily. My life, since my ex and child have been omitted, has been very lonely and isolated. I too don't find a lot of pleasure in life; the only things I do, outside of work, is read and go to the gym.

 

 

There are some days I ask myself, "What's the point?".

 

 

I have very few 'friends', but all of them are busy with their family lives and work It isn't like in our early twenties, when we would hang out with each other all the time; now it has just turned into an occasional thing, which is what happens as you get older. They are no longer a tool for me to use to distract myself from the negative emotions that are bottled inside of me.

 

 

When I feel that dark hole in the middle of my chest, I usually remind myself that everything in this life is transient. It kind of helps me cope, and reminds me I should expect, and have expected, to lose the things that I had and have.

 

 

I am spiritual as well, so I have faith that this pain I hold within will all dissipate one day, and I will re-unite with my Maker.

 

 

Now that I reflect, the older I have gotten, this life seems to be loneliness at it's core, and we humans are on this endless search to fill this void, to distract ourselves from this inevitable feeling. For some, even the presence of others doesn't take the feeling away.

 

 

I don't even know where I am going with this. It was a pretty lonely weekend for me as well, and I guess this was a place where I could just release some of my feelings and thoughts, as well as connect with a stranger.

 

 

I wish I had an answer on how to help you mitigate the pain. Hopefully you find something that does. I know the feelings and past tragedies can be overwhelming some days.

 

 

Regards

Edited July 19, 2015 by endlessabyss

[Lostgirl50]

Thank you. Your words mean so much. I gues I figured that when I completed my course and got a job that life I would be over it. I had these milestones that I have met, and now it is what now ? Is is it ? I don't want it to be but am unsure what to do. I have no idea where to start personally. Work goals are easy. Personal not so much. I thought I wanted to get back in the dating game but no. I am not into just getting physical, I want more than that. It appears that the type of male is no longer around. I am at a total loss. The idea of being alone shakes me to the core. The son living with me has agreed to do his first year of college here but after that he is unsure. I do not want to hold him back but I cannot fathom living alone. Thanks for reading.

I am trusting you that it gets better. Thank you for responding.

[Arieswoman]

LostGirl50,

 

Work goals are easy. Personal not so much

 

OK.

 

So stick with work goals at the moment. Each time you reach one it will build your confidence and this will rub off into your private life.

 

Have you thought about assertiveness training? I found that useful after coming out of a marriage where I was taken for granted.

 

The idea of being alone shakes me to the core.

 

Living alone can be scary at first, very scary.

 

Do you belong to any clubs, groups or societies ? Do you attend church? Joining in with these sort of activities will help you develop a support system.

 

You can do this you know.....

[endlessabyss]

Thank you. Your words mean so much. I gues I figured that when I completed my course and got a job that life I would be over it. I had these milestones that I have met, and now it is what now ? Is is it ? I don't want it to be but am unsure what to do. I have no idea where to start personally. Work goals are easy. Personal not so much. I thought I wanted to get back in the dating game but no. I am not into just getting physical, I want more than that. It appears that the type of male is no longer around. I am at a total loss. The idea of being alone shakes me to the core. The son living with me has agreed to do his first year of college here but after that he is unsure. I do not want to hold him back but I cannot fathom living alone. Thanks for reading.

I am trusting you that it gets better. Thank you for responding.

 

 

Very interesting thoughts.

 

 

I have read the testimonies of some very high achievers, such as yourself, and they had similar ideas as to yours.

 

 

Most idealize that when they reach these "milestones" they will suddenly achieve happiness, only to find out it only returns a fleeting satisfaction, and then they need to find a new milestone to chase after; it's kind of like being on the gerbil wheel. Once these individuals figure this out, they revert to a more simpler life, because they know the chase will never bring true satisfaction.

 

 

What I've discovered is the physical world doesn't bring true happiness. At our core, I believe that we are more of spirit than anything else, but that is my take on things.

 

 

I am very impressed that you haven't caved into the modern way of living, and are looking for more than just physical passions. I wish I could say the same, but the loneliness gets so overwhelming, and for a second you just need a brief escape.

 

 

Hopefully, I can discipline myself in the future, and restore some integrity, because at my core, I am looking for an emotional connection with someone, just like you.

 

 

Your posts come of very genuine and sincere. Hopefully in the near future, something positive is right around the corner for you.

Edited July 19, 2015 by endlessabyss

[Lostgirl50]

Thank you for the comments. At this point I am telling it lke it is for me cause I am not interested in being anything but who I am. I am who I am. I am too tired to be anything else it me. It is funny you call me a high achiever. I never considered myself that. I set goals and I am sometimes terrified I cannot achieve them. Failure is not an option it sometimes I am terrified inside that I am shaking on the outside. This has happened twice. You too sound like a great person. Do not settle for anything but what you want. It feels good for a while but not long term. I chant the long term but sadly I truly believe it is not there. I know there are lots of fish in the sea but the one I am looking for is that unusual one that stands out in the school of fish. Thank you for the positive thought. I wish the bet for you as well.

[joseb]

Are there any hiking or cc skiing clubs near you that you could join? Maybe a Meetup group?

 

Even though you feel tired now you might surprise yourself in energy gained through getting out and exercising again.

 

And this would also give you a chance to reestablish a network of friends with some similar interests.

[Lostgirl50]

Both great ideas, and yes I have looked into Meetup. They did have a hiking me and for some reason it ended up being a no go. I will keep looking ! Thanks!