The 2 things I struggle with during NC

[nikki76]

It's been 11 weeks since I went NC cold turkey. I blocked him on Facebook, changed my email address and blocked my cell phone number.

 

We were physical 3 times and then for 11 months, we only communicated through our private facebook page. I asked him so many times to see him and he denied me every time. There were so many opportunities. But yet, he never made it happen. So that was my affair.

 

 

Anyway, The other times I went NC, I never blocked or deleted and he always contacted me within a month. Of couse, I thought maybe things would change, but they never did and I ended up back at square one.

 

this time NC, he hasn't contacted me once. In the past when I would go Nc, he would contact my H daily and be up his ass. This time, he's never contacted him. My H has called him twice. Other then that, nothing.

I know I have him blocked, but if he really wanted to contact me, he could use a fake account or different phone number. I don't even know if he knows he's blocked. I think part of me wants him to contact just so I have the upperhand when I don't respond. And part of why it hurts is because it proves I meant nothing.

. And NO I don't want to ever start up the or any affair ever again. It just hurts and I struggle with that.

 

My other issue is I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. I know, that sounds so selfish. (We never had a dday). But I get so angry with myself when I think about what I did. Sometimes I literally get sick to my stomach thinking about it.

NO, I'M NOT GOING TO CONFESS!!!!

How does one forgive themselves? Or do they not? I see what a joke this person was and how he totally played me when I was having a bad time in my marriage. I hate that I had so many made up negative thoughts of my husband, to justify my A. I actually believed my thoughts. I compared him to xAP and thought so low of my H at the time. I hate myself for that. My H would do anything for me. He busts his ass daily for me and my kids to make sure we have everything we want. And I risked everything for a few thrills and person that isn't even a man in my book.

 

I am a different person now that I'm out of the affair. I don't regret my decision to go NC, not for a second. I'm just human and struggling a bit.

[Satu]

I just couldn't keep this secret from my H. It would bother me so much, that I'd have to tell. I'm completely unable to carry guilty secrets.

 

As regards yourself, only you know what you can and can't do.

 

Can you live with it?

[Friskyone4u]

Nikki,

 

You seem to be "holding the line". And it is hard for you because if you read the literature, what is called a "WW comparison affair" ,where you compare your husband over a long term to the OM, is the most difficult kind of affair to stop and reconcile from.

 

So it is all on you because you know this OM is going to try to get back in your pants any way he can at some point and your husband not having a clue makes his vigilance a non factor in stopping you.

 

The thing that is going to make this an ongoing fear for you is you will never know when this OM of yours is going to do something stupid and your husband will find out. And sadly, if that happens it will come with no warning and greatly lessen your chances of staying married.

 

That is a lot of pressure. Hope you can deal with it long term./

[nikki76]

I just couldn't keep this secret from my H. It would bother me so much, that I'd have to tell. I'm completely unable to carry guilty secrets.

 

As regards yourself, only you know what you can and can't do.

 

Can you live with it?

 

I won't tell him for many reasons. It will destroy him. i know it would be unforgivable in his eyes, which i understand. And because Xap was a friend of H, makes it the ultimate betrayal. My H thinks so highly of his friends and trusts them with all his heart. This, alone, would kill him.

 

He has said several times that if i ever cheated on him, he would bury me and pour cement over me. He used to be a well known cop in our city. He has many friends that still are, that owe him huge favors. I wouldnt put it past him, to really do this. And i believe it would become very violent towards xAP. I'm not looking out for him at all, i would just feel bad for his kids.

 

I wish i wouldve considered all of this before i had the affair. but i just wasnt in my right mind.

[nikki76]

Nikki,

 

You seem to be "holding the line". And it is hard for you because if you read the literature, what is called a "WW comparison affair" ,where you compare your husband over a long term to the OM, is the most difficult kind of affair to stop and reconcile from.

 

So it is all on you because you know this OM is going to try to get back in your pants any way he can at some point and your husband not having a clue makes his vigilance a non factor in stopping you.

 

The thing that is going to make this an ongoing fear for you is you will never know when this OM of yours is going to do something stupid and your husband will find out. And sadly, if that happens it will come with no warning and greatly lessen your chances of staying married.

 

That is a lot of pressure. Hope you can deal with it long term./

 

THanks for you reply. i honestly don't think hes going to get back into my pants. he had the opportunity for 11 months and he never did. he was just stringing me along for an ego boost. he didnt need me for sex, he had his wife, and God only knows who else.

 

I do fear that H will find out, however, I really don't think OM will confess. He was always the paranoid one. And I think thats why he was always up my H ass during our past NC, he was afraid i had confessed.

 

If my husband found out through me or someone else, either way, our marriage would be over. Id rather keep silent and live in fear then confess and destroy so many lives.

 

Am i a coward? Yes, but i feel its the right decision for a lot of reasons.

[jbrent890]

That truly is a tough hurdle to jump after wronging someone else. Personally, I would never forgive myself without first attempting to seek the forgiveness of the person I wronged. However, a lot of waywards seem content with doing just so. I never really understood that mentality. I remember reading a thread on TAM a while back where a WW did the same thing. Years later the husband found out about the affair and the WW went on about how she forgave herself. That statement was followed by a swift divorce. The point I'm trying to make is forgiveness is earned. Its not something you can just grant yourself because you want to fell better. And this isn't me attacking you. This is truly something I see a lot of cheaters do and personally I find it very narcissistic. However, you aren't going to confess and even though I don't agree with that decision, I do understand it. Your marriage would be over. My only advice is focus on being a better wife. And I'm not talking about being content with what you have. You need to be very enthusiastic and grateful for everything your husband does. From now on, you are going to have to give this marriage 150%. And maybe from there, if your husband is truly happy with the changes you have made, then possibly you might find some forgiveness. I hope this helps. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[nikki76]

That truly is a tough hurdle to jump after wronging someone else. Personally, I would never forgive myself without first attempting to seek the forgiveness of the person I wronged. However, a lot of waywards seem content with doing just so. I never really understood that mentality. I remember reading a thread on TAM a while back where a WW did the same thing. Years later the husband found out about the affair and the WW went on about how she forgave herself. That statement was followed by a swift divorce. The point I'm trying to make is forgiveness is earned. Its not something you can just grant yourself because you want to fell better. And this isn't me attacking you. This is truly something I see a lot of cheaters do and personally I find it very narcissistic. However, you aren't going to confess and even though I don't agree with that decision, I do understand it. Your marriage would be over. My only advice is focus on being a better wife. And I'm not talking about being content with what you have. You need to be very enthusiastic and grateful for everything your husband does. From now on, you are going to have to give this marriage 150%. And maybe from there, if your husband is truly happy with the changes you have made, then possibly you might find some forgiveness. I hope this helps. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

Thank you. What you said makes complete sense. I know the best thing to do, for everyone, would be to confess. But I just won't do it. I have definitely been giving my husband 150% of myself. Something I should be been doing years ago, but just took everything for granted. Its not because I have to, it's because I want to. It has made such a positive difference in our marriage. I hate that it took an affair for me to do that. But it has opened my eyes in more ways then I could ever imagine.

[whichwayisup]

this time NC, he hasn't contacted me once. In the past when I would go Nc, he would contact my H daily and be up his ass. This time, he's never contacted him. My H has called him twice. Other then that, nothing.

I know I have him blocked, but if he really wanted to contact me, he could use a fake account or different phone number. I don't even know if he knows he's blocked. I think part of me wants him to contact just so I have the upperhand when I don't respond. And part of why it hurts is because it proves I meant nothing.

. And NO I don't want to ever start up the or any affair ever again. It just hurts and I struggle with that.

This all ego talking, not feelings or emotions so IGNORE your ego. It is better he isn't trying to contact you in other ways.

 

It was an affair, not a 'relationship' so stop treating it like that. You're married and he's married. You don't want the affair to start up again, so again, this is ego. IT doesn't matter if he thought you were special or not. Was he special to you? Is he a better man than your husband?

 

The forgiveness will come in time as you work on yourself, better yourself by doing counseling. You can understand fully why you let a douchebag like that close to you and why you risked your marriage for him.

 

I know you're against confessing but in all honesty, I believe your H knows on some level about the affair he just doesn't know how serious it was and how deeply you fell for his friend/exMM and he's hoping you'll finally open up and confess it all.

[nikki76]

This all ego talking, not feelings or emotions so IGNORE your ego. It is better he isn't trying to contact you in other ways.

 

It was an affair, not a 'relationship' so stop treating it like that. You're married and he's married. You don't want the affair to start up again, so again, this is ego. IT doesn't matter if he thought you were special or not. Was he special to you? Is he a better man than your husband?

 

The forgiveness will come in time as you work on yourself, better yourself by doing counseling. You can understand fully why you let a douchebag like that close to you and why you risked your marriage for him.

 

I know you're against confessing but in all honesty, I believe your H knows on some level about the affair he just doesn't know how serious it was and how deeply you fell for his friend/exMM and he's hoping you'll finally open up and confess it all.

 

Thanks for your advice. Yes, I guess it is an ego thing. Didn't think of it like that. It does crush my ego a bit, I admit it. But I know it's best that he hasn't contacted me.

 

At the time I thought he was special, now I know he was just filling a void in my life. And no, he is not better then my husband, in any way at all!

 

I stopped going to counseling because she just wasn't a good fit. She never would let me talk about the affair. This summer has been crazy busy, so I will find another therapist when the kids go back.

 

There is no way that my H knows or even has a clue. I've mentioned a few times in the past that mm made me uncomfortable (in hopes that my H would no longer want him around). But my H just totally brushed it off and said he's always been a big flirt and I'm beautiful and H knows that men make comments to or about me often. H says he's secure enough in himself and in me, that I would never act upon it. Ugh.