Pre-Marital Sex/Intent To Marry

[tiki]

Okay, I've been thinking. I know the thought of not being able to know if your STB life-long partner is good in bed or not is an issue, but let's put that aside. For the moment, anyway.

 

It took me about five weeks to kiss my now husband. When we kissed, it was a closed-mouth kiss. Now, theoretically speaking, if I were to have an affair, it would take a while for me to get comfortable with someone, right? I would think. Especially since it took me five weeks to even peck kiss him.

 

Sooooo, if I had decided to not have sexual relations pre-marriage, I'm wondering if my husband would feel totally confident in the fact that I wouldn't sleep with 'just anyone'. Seems to make sense to me.

 

So, if I could do it again....I'd wait to have sex with my husband UNTIL he was my husband. Then he would know/assume that I would be less apt to have an affair (physical) because I don't have sex outside of marriage?

 

What a gift to give. I wish I could've given him that gift.

 

Does this make sense to anyone else?

 

My way of thinking....act like a loose broad, get trusted like a loose broad. Act like an angel, get trusted like an angel.

 

I wish I had considered all of these different perspectives.

 

Thoughts?

[tiki]

P.S. I didn't know whether to put this in Spirituality or Getting Married section.

 

But it all made sense - the concept - from a religious perspective.

[NTB]

so your saying if you don't have sex until your married there is a less chance that person will cheat on you?

[tiki]

Originally posted by NTB

so your saying if you don't have sex until your married there is a less chance that person will cheat on you?

 

I think that your mate would trust you more to not have sex with someone outside of the marriage, yes. I'm not certain by any means. I've been thinking about it often, though.

 

I'm sure there have been some that have done it, sure. But I'd definitely be interested to see the percentages of adultery within a marriage with no pre-marital sex versus those with pre-marital sex.

[EC]

I see what your saying TIKI.

 

I had that problem with a friend. I went to her with my other friends problems because she was older and because she would give me good advice that i would later give to them to help them. But then she didnt trust me with her stuff because I would tell her about my other friends...buts its different.

 

As for guys and pre-marital sex...if I knew then what I know now I would have saved myself for marriage. I wish I could give that gift to a deserving husband. Now its too late. But thats just the way life is these days.

[tiki]

For some reason, I find myself wanting to find ways to comfort my husband and his insecurities (he has a few). I really wish I could've given this to him.

 

Because I've accepted him for life, I think it's my job to make sure that he is comfortable at all costs (not really ALL costs, but you get what I'm sayin). I find myself wanting to provide so much for him emotionally, and I cannot help but to think that this is the way in which it should've been.

 

Anyway, just wanted to get ya'lls take on the whole thing. Being 'deep' tires my brain.

[EC]

For some reason, I find myself wanting to find ways to comfort my husband and his insecurities (he has a few). I really wish I could've given this to him.

 

Because I've accepted him for life, I think it's my job to make sure that he is comfortable at all costs (not really ALL costs, but you get what I'm sayin). I find myself wanting to provide so much for him emotionally, and I cannot help but to think that this is the way in which it should've been.

 

Anyway, just wanted to get ya'lls take on the whole thing. Being 'deep' tires my brain.

 

Thats beautiful TIKI. I can tell you are in love and that your husband loves you very much.

 

It would be great if you could give him that gift but you know your past is your past and you love him and chose to spend the rest of your life with HIM! and I am sure he knows that.

 

I'm sure there have been some that have done it, sure. But I'd definitely be interested to see the percentages of adultery within a marriage with no pre-marital sex versus those with pre-marital sex.

 

Thats a hard one. I think it would be great maybe if both saved themselves for marriage. Because the way life is now..If only one saved themselves (lets say the wife) then yeah it would be heaven for her husband but what about her? Wont she wonder what else is out there? Or vice a versa?

[LittleMiss]

I know of several people that feel the same way including myself. When your young you don't think about things like that. I lost my virginity at an early age and I wish I would have waited. At that time it was so meaningless and I wish I could have really known what love was and what it is to make love. I understand that maybe your man would trust you more if he knew he was your first. Of course no man likes to think of the fact that his woman has had sex before with other men. I know mine doesn't !

[tiki]

EC...it would have to be a two-way street, mo def!

 

gtab...Yeah, I know religiously for me PMS is wrong. I can see why. I had just never thought about it from this angle.

[NTB]

umm i don't know........i know a guy who married we will say a loose girl and we were all telling him dude don't do it but turned out she is great according to him. stay home mom takes care of him and the kids so i guess that is cool but then i know girl who was a virgin got married and then 5 yrs later she was like the town bicycle everybody was getting a ride so i don't know i think it depends on the relationship and the persons involved....

 

just my 2 cents

[Pocky]

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't consider sexual purity a gift, I don't consider sex a gift and I certainly don't consider my body a gift.

[Chris777]

I had been pondering posting a similar topic , but since you beat me to the punch.

 

I met my now ex, and was told all of the "I Love you so much forever bla bla bla junk"

 

I don't know if she just didn't know what she was saying, or that she just didn't care.

 

But I compromised myself, for what I thought was going to be a lifelong commitment from her.

 

I wasn't a christian back then, and so it was fairly easy to justify our adultry/fornication with "well he abuses her, and I will treat her right" mentality.

 

But even then before I compromised myself, and my values, I felt like I should wait till marrage.

Well I now have it drilled into me, with a child from that marrage that suffers, from our seperation.

 

But I have been observing people, and Relationships, since our divorce in 97, And am just Disheartened by how people behave.

 

I had a buddy that got involved with one of our co workers several years back , while she was seperated, And even though I tried to warn him, he started dating her, well she ended up going back to her husband(after he bought a ring) and after it was over He informed me that they copulated several times. It's just sad.

 

I was talking to him about it and women in general, and He was pretty much of the concensus that no one waits anymore.

I have only been with my ex wife, and She had been with several men before we met, (and apparently after we split as well) And I may sound bad or whatever, But I just don't want that , It hurt too much during her 1st divorce, then she stabbed me again during ours , by moving some kid in( which he really was no younger than I was when I met her).

 

But it just seems that sex and dating are becoming interchangeable, at least in our society.

 

DOES ANYONE (AT ALL) WAIT ANYMORE?

 

Whether you intend to marry or not, am I alone with my intent to wait it out?

 

I met a few girls online, and got sort of serious with one, and when we decided to break it off she said "she would never get over me" then less than 6 months later she was already screwing a new bf. We spoke like 3 months after we split, and she informed me she was dating,(and i don't know how far it went then), and then in a conversation 2 or 3 weeks later I learn they had gotten "close".

 

I feel defiled by what I've done, and I don't even know how to approach the situation again.

I am almost 30, and Would like to rematty , but I don't want someone, who copulates, like they are shaking someones hand.

 

Another friend was discussing a similar issue with one of his co workers, who was "proud" that him and his fiancee had remained "celibate" , only to reveal that they had done every single other act save penetration.

 

I have Gone 7 years, without, and have a new appreciation, for what a gift it is, but I will die single, If I have to.

 

I don't know I am just jaded I guess, But I honestly don't expect to find anyone that I will feel comfortable with again.

 

I know we all make mistakes, I am admitting one of mine. And I also know it is alot more difficult for women as they don't have to worry about being single(unless they choose to). But I just can't see myself introducing my daughter to a woman, who has been as casual about sex as her mother unfortunately (was/is).

much less marrying one.

[tanbark813]

I think it depends on the guy. I can see how some guys would assume that you're less likely to cheat if you save yourself for marriage.

 

Personally, though, I wouldn't want to marry a virgin. I would worry that after we have been having sex for some time, if she'd start to wonder how it would be with other guys. I'd prefer she have that knowledge beforehand.

 

But then again, I would never marry a woman I didn't know was sexually compatible with me anyway.

[tiki]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Personally, though, I wouldn't want to marry a virgin.

 

Yeah, I'm a far stretch from a virgin...lol. But in my case, where you re-marry and commit solely to that person, no pre-marital sex.

 

DOES ANYONE (AT ALL) WAIT ANYMORE?

 

YES!!! My lifelong friend and her husband did. But they only dated for like 6 months before they wed. I think it definitely speeds up the wedding process.

 

I think it's awesome to wait.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by tiki

Yeah, I'm a far stretch from a virgin...lol. But in my case, where you re-marry and commit solely to that person, no pre-marital sex.

 

Well now that's just retarded. That's like saying, "You're MORE special than past guys so I'm going to give you LESS."

 

[Naive]

Originally posted by tanbark813

I think it depends on the guy. I can see how some guys would assume that you're less likely to cheat if you save yourself for marriage.

 

Personally, though, I wouldn't want to marry a virgin. I would worry that after we have been having sex for some time, if she'd start to wonder how it would be with other guys. I'd prefer she have that knowledge beforehand.

 

A lot of my guy friends think like this.

[tiki]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Well now that's just retarded. That's like saying, "You're MORE special than past guys so I'm going to give you LESS."

 

Less? How is that less if you save yourself for marriage?

 

I don't get it. In my eyes, it'd be MORE.

 

In the Bible, Solomon had some 700 wives or some crap. But this one wife, (in the Song of Solomon) was special. The story is beautiful and it's a pretty interesting story. I think it's about saving what *is* special. I wish I'd done it that way. It's not a disservice by any means. Especially if the guy feels the same way.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by tiki

Less? How is that less if you save yourself for marriage?

 

I don't get it. In my eyes, it'd be MORE.

 

In the Bible, Solomon had some 700 wives or some crap. But this one wife, (in the Song of Solomon) was special. The story is beautiful and it's a pretty interesting story. I think it's about saving what *is* special. I wish I'd done it that way. It's not a disservice by any means. Especially if the guy feels the same way.

 

It's only more special if you've saved yourself for marriage absolutely. That is, you're a virgin when you marry.

 

But having sex with 20 dudes and then "saving" yourself for marriage isn't saving yourself at all, nor does it make your "gift" more special. All the potential husband gets is less ass and the illusion of a pure wife.

[tiki]

I don't see it that way.

 

I had a friend re-marry that had been married before. Her and her husband are highly religious, they saved themselves for marriage. I think it's a great gift, no matter when you decide to give it.

 

And how is it "less ass" when you're spending the rest of your life with that person?

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by tiki

I don't see it that way.

 

I had a friend re-marry that had been married before. Her and her husband are highly religious, they saved themselves for marriage. I think it's a great gift, no matter when you decide to give it.

 

And how is it "less ass" when you're spending the rest of your life with that person?

 

(ass during dating) + (ass during marriage) > (ass during marriage)

 

It's just about the numbers, really.

 

I was unaware that depriving your partner of sex was a gift. I'm glad I'm not on your Christmas shopping list.

[tiki]

Originally posted by tanbark813

(ass during dating) + (ass during marriage) > (ass during marriage)

 

Oh...I thought you meant less ass than the other ex boyfriends.

 

Anyway...I don't wanna derail my own thread.

 

I think if I'd have saved myself for my H, he'd be (more) confident that I wouldn't just sleep with any ol' guy.

[Chris777]

Originally posted by tiki

I think if I'd have saved myself for my H, he'd be (more) confident that I wouldn't just sleep with any ol' guy.

 

It is doubtful, my ex slept with alot of guys and gave me the "your special and not like the rest" line and I bought it.

 

But she apparently didn't.

 

What are your hubbys specific concerns if you dont mind me asking?

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by tiki

Does this make sense to anyone else?

Thoughts?

 

No!

[HoldOn]

Yes, it makes sense.

 

Sex is a gift. And ideally, it should be saved for marriage. It's a gift to your spouse and to God.

 

And I wish I would have saved it myself.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by tanbark813

 

 

It's just about the numbers, really.

I was unaware that depriving your partner of sex was a gift.

 

Hahahahah! I agree with you, Tanbark.

We live in an era of fast living. We make lots of changes, we adjust quickly to new situations, we have fast cars, fast computers, we demand a lot from life and life demands a lot from us. We enjoy a lot and we suffer a lot. Yet our lives are still boring and we tend to make them even faster and more intensive.

The picture of virgins marrying guys who don't have to be virgins is not only unsuitable and inconvenient for any party, but is also primitive!

How will a woman trust the man then? Why is it only important for the man to trust the woman? Not all women cheat because they are whores. And is physical cheating the only cheating that can occur? Why would you give your husband such a present at all? Many women give them children and they still cheat on their wives and even "dare" not marry them.

Why don't you just sew your vagina and cut your clitoris off so you can prove how much you love him? Lay down in the street and let a big truck run over you and tell your husband "I am doing this to prove how much I love you."

My theory is: as long as he loves me and is faithful to me, I will love him and be faithful to him. When that changes, adios! I am not going back to stone age!