Husbands life goals... Not making time for future kids?

[jacg89]

We had our 1 year wedding anniversary this week. We have been together about 3 years. He is 33 and I am 26. We are in love as ever. I just don't want to be an 'older' parent so I have been thinking that I want to get pregnant within a year or so. (like 27-ish)

 

Financially, we are okay. Honestly, my husband is waiting on his Visa to go back to his country (he has not been there in 13 years) and just clear his head, but we're not going to be going to his country for at least another year. He works over 80 hours a week now and is stressed and kinda depressed. he has a 300acre family farm he has to go back to in his country and put to business, so when we go to his country, we will be there for at least 2 months.

 

I know that he wants to have kids, occasionally he says "when we have kids...." so I know he thinks about it... he's even asked me a few months ago how many kids I would like to have.. we both agreed on 2

At the same time, i know that he doesn't want anything until we get back to America, he starts up his deli business, and we purchase our first home. It just seems like so many life goals that he has to accomplish first. The last thing that I want to do is overwhelm him, but at the same time, I always find myself thinking that we are going to be 'older' parents.

 

Any advice or insight?

[TaraMaiden2]

We had our 1 year wedding anniversary this week. We have been together about 3 years. He is 33 and I am 26. We are in love as ever. I just don't want to be an 'older' parent so I have been thinking that I want to get pregnant within a year or so. (like 27-ish)

 

Financially, we are okay. Honestly, my husband is waiting on his Visa to go back to his country (he has not been there in 13 years) and just clear his head, but we're not going to be going to his country for at least another year. He works over 80 hours a week now and is stressed and kinda depressed. he has a 300acre farm he has to go back to in his country and put to business, so when we go to his country, we will be there for at least 2 months.

 

I know that he wants to have kids, occasionally he says "when we have kids...." so I know he thinks about it... he's even asked me a few months ago how many kids I would like to have.. we both agreed on 2

At the same time, i know that he doesn't want anything until we get back to America, he starts up his deli business, and we purchase our first home. It just seems like so many life goals that he has to accomplish first. The last thing that I want to do is overwhelm him, but at the same time, I always find myself thinking that we are going to be 'older' parents.

 

Any advice or insight?

 

No... YOU are going to be an 'older' parent. he can be a parent any time he wants.... the problem is, how is this going to fit with your 'Biological clock'...?

 

Now is the best and prime time for you to bear children.

 

Of course, there are no guarantees. Nothing says that you will get pregnant easily, or that even if you are an older mom, your child won't have complications.

 

Really, you need to discuss this with him logically.

 

Don't worry so much about what he wants, and his goals.

Biologically, bearing children is your goal.

 

And time won't wait for you.

[anika99]

No... YOU are going to be an 'older' parent. he can be a parent any time he wants.... the problem is, how is this going to fit with your 'Biological clock'...?

 

 

Um...what? LOL. If her husband has a kid at 50, he will be an older parent. Doesn't matter that he can father children into his 70's being a 50 year old parent is being an older parent, period.

 

 

OP I don't think it's wise for your husband to think he can or even has to accomplish all his goals before he has a child. As long as you two are financially stable enough to care for the baby and emotionally stable enough to provide a loving caring home it's good enough. Parents can still work towards their goals, it's just sometimes at a slower pace. Lots of women get pregnant in their late thirties and early forties but there are also lots of women in that age group who want to conceive but they can't because after the age of 35 it becomes increasingly difficult to conceive with each passing year. Also pregnancy tends to be easier for younger moms and younger moms generally have more energy and bounce back more quickly. On this I agree with Tara in that these are your best childbearing years. I think you need to explain to your husband that you don't have 10 more years to wait and that he needs to think beyond what he wants to consider what is best for you and your future children.

[clam]

No... YOU are going to be an 'older' parent. he can be a parent any time he wants.... the problem is, how is this going to fit with your 'Biological clock'...?

 

Huh???

 

How will she be an 'older' parent, but he won't be? He is 7 years older than she is.

[TaraMaiden2]

Huh???

 

How will she be an 'older' parent, but he won't be? He is 7 years older than she is.

 

What I mean is, that it's ok for a guy to be a parent at any age he wants, because basically, all being well, they can produce sperm and ejaculate well into their senior years.

 

Her body clock has a limited 'window' for gestation...

[kendahke]

OP did you and your husband discuss children before you got married last year? Did he know then that you want children by next year? Did you know he has a laundry list of things he wants to settle in his life before focusing on having children? How is it that this discussion took place a year after you two married and not in the 3 years prior to you getting married?

 

It looks like you're going to be older when you have your children, unless you stop taking your BC and have an "oopsy" pregnancy--and that would not be fair to the child when you know that your husband isn't ready to have children right now. That could be the fastest route to divorce and you being a single, young mother.

 

You may have to divorce him and find a man who wants children with you by next year if you want to be a young mother. It sounds like your husband is not interested in being a father at this stage in his life.

 

and women in their 60's have given birth to children: http://q13fox.com/2015/05/24/65-year-old-german-woman-mother-of-13-gives-birth-to-quadruplets/

Edited July 20, 2015 by kendahke

[Clockwork]

We had our 1 year wedding anniversary this week. We have been together about 3 years. He is 33 and I am 26. We are in love as ever. I just don't want to be an 'older' parent so I have been thinking that I want to get pregnant within a year or so. (like 27-ish)

 

Financially, we are okay. Honestly, my husband is waiting on his Visa to go back to his country (he has not been there in 13 years) and just clear his head, but we're not going to be going to his country for at least another year. He works over 80 hours a week now and is stressed and kinda depressed. he has a 300acre family farm he has to go back to in his country and put to business, so when we go to his country, we will be there for at least 2 months.

 

I know that he wants to have kids, occasionally he says "when we have kids...." so I know he thinks about it... he's even asked me a few months ago how many kids I would like to have.. we both agreed on 2

At the same time, i know that he doesn't want anything until we get back to America, he starts up his deli business, and we purchase our first home. It just seems like so many life goals that he has to accomplish first. The last thing that I want to do is overwhelm him, but at the same time, I always find myself thinking that we are going to be 'older' parents.

 

Any advice or insight?

 

Honestly, this is not old. You are 26 now. Say you wait a couple of years like you think might happen. You'll be 28 when you get pregnant. Maybe 29 when you have your first kid. That is NOT old in 2015 especially in North America. Have another one at 31. That's not old at all. If you were 35 right now I'd say get cracking, but you aren't. Check out the average age for first time mothers these days, it is around 28-29.

[TaraMaiden2]

Honestly, this is not old. You are 26 now. Say you wait a couple of years like you think might happen. You'll be 28 when you get pregnant. Maybe 29 when you have your first kid. That is NOT old in 2015 especially in North America. Have another one at 31. That's not old at all. If you were 35 right now I'd say get cracking, but you aren't. Check out the average age for first time mothers these days, it is around 28-29.

 

Clockwork I tend to agree; but look at the OP's husband's objectives:

 

We had our 1 year wedding anniversary this week. We have been together about 3 years. He is 33 and I am 26. We are in love as ever. I just don't want to be an 'older' parent so I have been thinking that I want to get pregnant within a year or so. (like 27-ish)

 

Financially, we are okay. Honestly, my husband is waiting on his Visa to go back to his country (he has not been there in 13 years) and just clear his head, but we're not going to be going to his country for at least another year. He works over 80 hours a week now and is stressed and kinda depressed. he has a 300acre family farm he has to go back to in his country and put to business, so when we go to his country, we will be there for at least 2 months.

 

I know that he wants to have kids, occasionally he says "when we have kids...." so I know he thinks about it... he's even asked me a few months ago how many kids I would like to have.. we both agreed on 2

At the same time, i know that he doesn't want anything until we get back to America, he starts up his deli business, and we purchase our first home. It just seems like so many life goals that he has to accomplish first. The last thing that I want to do is overwhelm him, but at the same time, I always find myself thinking that we are going to be 'older' parents.

 

jacg89 sees herself pregnant within the next year or so.

 

Looking at her husband's objectives, how long is all that going to take him?

If he seriously doesn't want to entertain the thought of having children before all of the above are accomplished - she will definitely fall into the category of an older mom....

[newlywedder]

You are the one taking the BC. So stop taking it and have a kid if that's what you want. Your husband sounds like he is never going to be ready so if you want a kid then have one.

[TaraMaiden2]

You are the one taking the BC. So stop taking it and have a kid if that's what you want. Your husband sounds like he is never going to be ready so if you want a kid then have one.

 

And let us know as and when he comes back home due to your deceit and manipulation, and if he files for divorce, too...

 

I'm sorry: This is appalling advice.

To actually be so deceptive as to deliberately contrive to become pregnant, when you know your husband just doesn't want that to happen, is not the way to go.

 

OP: A possible avenue is to advise the H that you intend to stop taking contraceptives, because you have no idea even that pregnancy is possible within a given time-frame. It's now or never for the you.

 

Then see what he says....

[Keenly]

You are the one taking the BC. So stop taking it and have a kid if that's what you want. Your husband sounds like he is never going to be ready so if you want a kid then have one.

 

Worst advice ever. Trick your husband into pregnancy, watch his trust whither and die.

 

 

 

You have baby fever OP. You don't NEED a kid by 27. Or 30, or 35. You want one. But you don't need one.

[mrs rubble]

I advise talking to your husband about it, tell him how you are eager to start a family sooner rather than later. Are you currently working? If so can you save some of your earnings to a 'baby account" to help financially and help convince your husband that it's time???

[crederer]

It always amazes me how people get married without even giving it a second thought as if it's just an excuse to have a party. How did you not have this conversation before getting married?

 

I guess all you can really do is talk to him and emphasize how important this is to you. Like...REALLY emphasize it so there is no confusion on his part that this is extremely important to you.

[crederer]

You said yourself she has low self esteem. I also have a hunch she was sexually abused as a kid and she finds approval or a sense of worth by being sexual and then afterwards probably hates herself for it.

 

Unfortunately I've had a lot of experience with girls like this. And it never goes away. If you get in a fight it's likely she'll go out and have sex with someone because it satisfies her need of "approval" or "acceptance".

 

So I guess you have to just accept this is how your life will be or move on.

[TaraMaiden2]

You said yourself she has low self esteem. I also have a hunch she was sexually abused as a kid and she finds approval or a sense of worth by being sexual and then afterwards probably hates herself for it.

 

Unfortunately I've had a lot of experience with girls like this. And it never goes away. If you get in a fight it's likely she'll go out and have sex with someone because it satisfies her need of "approval" or "acceptance".

 

So I guess you have to just accept this is how your life will be or move on.

 

Wrong thread, maybe....?

[Popsicle]

Honey, if you wait on a man to be ready you WILL be an old parent! They think nothing of that. Just do it. Babies are portable, you can bring the baby with you to his country when you go visit. He'll be off doing his farming or whatever and you'll be in the farmhouse taking care of baby.