a new ring?

[GoldieLox]

I'm pretty sure I've read the topic of engagement/wedding rings covered before, but I have a weird situation here, at least one that I haven't read on the board yet...

 

So I did a self-induced D-Day back in April. As you can see, this reconciliation is still in it's infancy. May and June were rough months for us, but we finally took a weekend retreat in the beginning of July and began to figure out a lot of things about the marriage and what needs to be done. We are both working on things individually with ourselves, but as for the marriage, we figured out that we literally need to start over with each other. It's going to be a very long work in progress, but we have both decided that we are in it for the long haul.

 

I haven't been able to wear my rings for months, even before the D-day. I do not feel right wearing them anymore, as I feel that what I did tainted them forever. I have explained this to my husband. I told him I do not want to wear them anymore, but he also explained to me how much that engagement ring means to him. It doesn't have any familial significance or anything, it came from a jewelery store.. but the ring does have emotional significance to him. I, on the other hand, can't imagine looking down on my finger and being reminded everyday of what I did to him or my marriage.

 

He told me he doesn't want me to wear it if it's going to make me uncomfortable, but I know he will be hurt if I don't. I would prefer a new ring (read: new one. not necessarily bigger, or better, or more expensive. not where I'm going with this). I want a new ring to start over with. Is that selfish of me? Do I wear the original one, because in the end it will truly be a sign of what we will be able to work through? Do I just suck it up and wear it, and will I eventually get over it? If it's what he wants, I feel like I at least owe him that. I feel like I'm overthinking this a bit. Thoughts please?

[autumnnight]

Maybe the two of you could pick out a new setting? The core of the ring is there, but it has been made new - kind of like you marriage?

 

That probably sounds cheesy, but I like it

[MuddyFootprints]

I recently asked my husband if he would consider letting me renew my vows to him and our kids. The exchange of new rings was discussed, neither of us felt it was necessary. We don't wear any jewellery, though, even if we are going out.

[DKT3]

We took our wedding rings and had them melted and made into pendents for the two older kids. I got her new rings.

 

I believe you should consider doing what makes him comfortable in this situation. Maybe a part of him felts your aren't all in because you won't wear what idenifies you as his wife.

[CrystalCastles]

Talk to him about it.

 

Tell him what you told us. Tell him that having a new ring would be symbolic to the restart of your marriage (and you can wear the old one as a reminder, as you put it, of "a sign of what we will be able to work through").

 

What people here can offer in terms of advice may not be what your husband is comfortable with. Don't be afraid to be open with him about your feelings and desires, for only he can tell you best how he feels about this issue.

[Cymbeline]

Rings are just objects - imbued with the significance you choose to assign to them. You can reframe your thoughts about them to please yourself or your husband. Your decision.

[66Charger]

A wedding ring is not just a object. Wearing your ring does send a message, the same way that taking it off does. You may be offending him, which you really dont want to do right now.

Goldie, there is what you think, and then there is what your husband thinks.

And the compromise is.....

 

100% A NEW RING! Wear it with pride. Your husband will be very happy and the both of you may reap huge rewards.

[understand50]

I'm pretty sure I've read the topic of engagement/wedding rings covered before, but I have a weird situation here, at least one that I haven't read on the board yet...

 

So I did a self-induced D-Day back in April. As you can see, this reconciliation is still in it's infancy. May and June were rough months for us, but we finally took a weekend retreat in the beginning of July and began to figure out a lot of things about the marriage and what needs to be done. We are both working on things individually with ourselves, but as for the marriage, we figured out that we literally need to start over with each other. It's going to be a very long work in progress, but we have both decided that we are in it for the long haul.

 

I haven't been able to wear my rings for months, even before the D-day. I do not feel right wearing them anymore, as I feel that what I did tainted them forever. I have explained this to my husband. I told him I do not want to wear them anymore, but he also explained to me how much that engagement ring means to him. It doesn't have any familial significance or anything, it came from a jewelery store.. but the ring does have emotional significance to him. I, on the other hand, can't imagine looking down on my finger and being reminded everyday of what I did to him or my marriage.

 

He told me he doesn't want me to wear it if it's going to make me uncomfortable, but I know he will be hurt if I don't. I would prefer a new ring (read: new one. not necessarily bigger, or better, or more expensive. not where I'm going with this). I want a new ring to start over with. Is that selfish of me? Do I wear the original one, because in the end it will truly be a sign of what we will be able to work through? Do I just suck it up and wear it, and will I eventually get over it? If it's what he wants, I feel like I at least owe him that. I feel like I'm overthinking this a bit. Thoughts please?

 

GoldieLox,

 

I would talk to your husband and follow what he wants. You are never going to forget what you did, so I think the ring as a reminder is not going to help you. You may have to "bare" this pain for your husband, and as a reminder of his gift to you of a second chance. I would suggest, that if he is agreeable, that you take the old rings and remake them into something new, like you are doing with your marriage and relationship. You could keep the engagement ring, and replace the marriage ring, if you have a 2 ring set. Again, this is something you can do for your husband to show true remorse, and how you have changed. Redoing your vows may also help, but all these things should be for your husbands sake and not your own.

 

Wish you luck.

[MuddyFootprints]

We took our wedding rings and had them melted and made into pendents for the two older kids. I got her new rings.

 

I believe you should consider doing what makes him comfortable in this situation. Maybe a part of him felts your aren't all in because you won't wear what idenifies you as his wife.

 

Was there any formal ceremony involved with the exchange of the new rings?

 

We have decided that an officiated ceremony is what we want. I'd like the kids to be there to witness my/our re commitment.

[Sassy Girl]

Rings are just objects - imbued with the significance you choose to assign to them. You can reframe your thoughts about them to please yourself or your husband. Your decision.

 

This. It's not about the rings. It's about your mindset.

[DKT3]

Was there any formal ceremony involved with the exchange of the new rings?

 

We have decided that an officiated ceremony is what we want. I'd like the kids to be there to witness my/our re commitment.

 

We are actually divorced, but yes we plan to remarry, we(I) pushed it back from summer to fall.

[GoldieLox]

Thank you all for your input and experiences so far. I definitely agree that a lot of it is a mindset. I'm a natural overthinker. I have been very open with my husband about the feelings I have towards the rings, and he says he does understand, yet I know how much that engagement ring means to him. I simply don't want to hurt him anymore. I'm hoping that further along in the reconciliation process, the more progress that is made both individually and as a couple, I am able to shift my mindset.

[MuddyFootprints]

I wouldn't consider placing a new ring on my finger before a complete change in mindset.

 

That's where you need to be focusing your over thinking at the moment.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm pretty sure I've read the topic of engagement/wedding rings covered before, but I have a weird situation here, at least one that I haven't read on the board yet...

 

So I did a self-induced D-Day back in April. As you can see, this reconciliation is still in it's infancy. May and June were rough months for us, but we finally took a weekend retreat in the beginning of July and began to figure out a lot of things about the marriage and what needs to be done. We are both working on things individually with ourselves, but as for the marriage, we figured out that we literally need to start over with each other. It's going to be a very long work in progress, but we have both decided that we are in it for the long haul.

 

I haven't been able to wear my rings for months, even before the D-day. I do not feel right wearing them anymore, as I feel that what I did tainted them forever. I have explained this to my husband. I told him I do not want to wear them anymore, but he also explained to me how much that engagement ring means to him. It doesn't have any familial significance or anything, it came from a jewelery store.. but the ring does have emotional significance to him. I, on the other hand, can't imagine looking down on my finger and being reminded everyday of what I did to him or my marriage.

 

He told me he doesn't want me to wear it if it's going to make me uncomfortable, but I know he will be hurt if I don't. I would prefer a new ring (read: new one. not necessarily bigger, or better, or more expensive. not where I'm going with this). I want a new ring to start over with. Is that selfish of me? Do I wear the original one, because in the end it will truly be a sign of what we will be able to work through? Do I just suck it up and wear it, and will I eventually get over it? If it's what he wants, I feel like I at least owe him that. I feel like I'm overthinking this a bit. Thoughts please?

 

I was never one to attach huge significance on a "thing" that was bought for money from some store.

 

I think you should do what makes your husband most comfortable.

 

I think that getting TWO engagement rings/wedding bands is a lot to ask from a woman who has been unfaithful. The first was bought in good faith and I can understand why you would not want to wear it. But if I were in your shoes, and if my husband agreed, I would never take a second ring from him.

[Dutchman1]

Hello GoldyLox,

You did write a little bit how your H thinks and feels, he could be my twin brother.

In your story I think we all know that you wore your wedding ring whilst entertaining your lover.

You both have luckily recommitted and your H wants you to be his wife.

You would honer him to wear your wedding ring( the same one) again to make your H feel safe.

To him there was a black era in your M, You were married with this ring he bought for you, and put on your finger.

This ring also symbolizes all the good years that you both had previous.

your H values this time.

You wearing your "old" ring again will show your H that you are confident that you are never going that dark road again.

 

 

Trust me, Lots of luck.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[MissBee]

I was never one to attach huge significance on a "thing" that was bought for money from some store.

 

I think you should do what makes your husband most comfortable.

 

I think that getting TWO engagement rings/wedding bands is a lot to ask from a woman who has been unfaithful. The first was bought in good faith and I can understand why you would not want to wear it. But if I were in your shoes, and if my husband agreed, I would never take a second ring from him.

 

I am along this line of thinking as well re the bold.

 

When I read your post Goldie, one of the first things I thought was, so who is going to have to pay for it? Him? If he doesn't want you to get new ones because the old ones mean a lot to him, I would feel strange about asking my BS to buy me new rings. It's one thing if he agreed or wanted to, but I would feel a little odd that I cheated, now I want new rings to clear my mind, and my husband who is fine with the old ones needs to literally pay for my mistake and buy me new rings so I feel comfortable. That's how I would feel personally.

 

I would in this case defer to what he prefers and as for the rings, you can simply change your mind set or even do a ritual to help you. For example, you can renew your vows and in that renewal do a ring purification or cleansing aspect of the ceremony where you both place your rings in water, say a prayer over it (or whatever kind of thing makes you comfortable), but do something to symbolize that this has been cleansed and is no longer associated with the old. In your case, given how he feels, I would probably do something like that, i.e. switch my mentality around, than try to get new rings.

[GoldieLox]

 

I think that getting TWO engagement rings/wedding bands is a lot to ask from a woman who has been unfaithful. The first was bought in good faith and I can understand why you would not want to wear it. But if I were in your shoes, and if my husband agreed, I would never take a second ring from him.

 

But if the said woman is truly, 100% remorseful and the marriage is on track with a successful reconciliation, I'm not sure I quite see the issue with accepting a new ring if one was given and the husband is insistent on her wearing a ring on her finger. I'm not demanding a new one by any means, the two of us are not materialistic people. It's more about what it symbolizes. At this point it could be an onion ring. While I did a terrible thing, and it ranks up there on the list of most hurtful things to do in your life, I won't go the rest of my life pretending that I'm not worthy of anything by my husband.

[GoldieLox]

I am along this line of thinking as well re the bold.

 

When I read your post Goldie, one of the first things I thought was, so who is going to have to pay for it? Him? If he doesn't want you to get new ones because the old ones mean a lot to him, I would feel strange about asking my BS to buy me new rings. It's one thing if he agreed or wanted to, but I would feel a little odd that I cheated, now I want new rings to clear my mind, and my husband who is fine with the old ones needs to literally pay for my mistake and buy me new rings so I feel comfortable. That's how I would feel personally.

 

I would in this case defer to what he prefers and as for the rings, you can simply change your mind set or even do a ritual to help you. For example, you can renew your vows and in that renewal do a ring purification or cleansing aspect of the ceremony where you both place your rings in water, say a prayer over it (or whatever kind of thing makes you comfortable), but do something to symbolize that this has been cleansed and is no longer associated with the old. In your case, given how he feels, I would probably do something like that, i.e. switch my mentality around, than try to get new rings.

 

We have both a joint and separate accounts. I have offered to pay for it. I just want to start over.

[Owl6118]

Perhaps your husband is like me.

 

I always took the symbolism of the rings to be just the one stated in the words of the marriage ceremony: "I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you." Thus, the ring my wife wears was given from me to her as a symbol of MY vow.

 

If I were in your husband's shoes, I would be more likely to take the ring I wore off, as it symbolizes the vow from you, and expect that you would keep yours, as they symbolize his vow which is not broken.

 

I think my very literal-minded view is the minority one, though.

 

But to cut to the chase--yes, you are overthinking it a little. Remember where you are really at here--you are about the work of listening to him with an open heart and acting openly and with generosity when he makes a statement about what will help him heal. He has spoken clearly. It would behoove you perhaps to act on his clear words, and do the inner work to change your internal narrative to match.

 

Your remorse and your voluntary disclosure both do you great credit. I wish you well in every step of your recovery with your husband.

[MuddyFootprints]

I like the idea of some kind of 'purification' ceremony for the original rings along with vow renewal.

[sammy7111]

I don't think he needs to waste money on a ring. I wouldn't want you wearing the old one and won't buy a new one for a long time

[Hope Shimmers]

But if the said woman is truly, 100% remorseful and the marriage is on track with a successful reconciliation, I'm not sure I quite see the issue with accepting a new ring if one was given and the husband is insistent on her wearing a ring on her finger. I'm not demanding a new one by any means, the two of us are not materialistic people. It's more about what it symbolizes. At this point it could be an onion ring. While I did a terrible thing, and it ranks up there on the list of most hurtful things to do in your life, I won't go the rest of my life pretending that I'm not worthy of anything by my husband.

 

No, I'm certainly not saying you aren't worthy. Your husband makes that decision, not me or anyone here.

 

I think I said too that it is my opinion that you should do whatever HE feels is best. If that means buying new rings - if that's what works best for him - then go with that. I think it's his decision.

 

My opinion was just coming from the POV if he left it totally up to me.

 

I agree with MissBee - I would just feel like he was paying for my infidelity if he were to buy me new rings.

 

It's just a ring, to me. There is far more that goes into a relationship and promises of marriage and loyalty than a band made of gold and diamonds. That's just me.

[MuddyFootprints]

Ha! On the onion rings! I'm sorry, but I'm totally stealing that idea.

 

 

Completely appropriate for our life.

[autumnnight]

I think that getting TWO engagement rings/wedding bands is a lot to ask from a woman who has been unfaithful. The

 

I agree. That was why I suggested in the post I wrote this morning that possibly the existing stone could be placed in a new setting after a time.

[Popsicle]

Goldielox, I haven't read the replies to this thread yet but a couple of things came to mind:

 

1) I think you should wear the old ring. It symbolizes a foundation and remarkably, one that your H believes in, so try to get on the same page as him.

 

2) You should forgive yourself and leave it in the past. Start looking forward.

 

3) You really don't know that it will be a long work in progress (the phase you used). It may not be so long. It's probably best to not assume it will be so difficult. Assume nothing and just let things go as they will naturally. Keep an open mind and heart and a good attitude.

 

4) I think it would be symbolic of moving on if you posted in the regular marriage section,rather than the infidelity section. After all you are moving on.