Author GoldieLox Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 No, I'm certainly not saying you aren't worthy. Your husband makes that decision, not me or anyone here. I think I said too that it is my opinion that you should do whatever HE feels is best. If that means buying new rings - if that's what works best for him - then go with that. I think it's his decision. My opinion was just coming from the POV if he left it totally up to me. I agree with MissBee - I would just feel like he was paying for my infidelity if he were to buy me new rings. It's just a ring, to me. There is far more that goes into a relationship and promises of marriage and loyalty than a band made of gold and diamonds. That's just me. To be 100% honest, if it were up to me, I'd rather just shelf this whole subject for another year or so until we are further along in the reconciliation process. I'm fine going without a ring, but I know it bothers him. As for the issue of the money, I would never outright ask him to buy me a new ring. I probably should've emphasized that earlier, the thread was more based on the idea of original ring vs. new ring and the feelings that go with it. I've gone to selfish lows, but that would probably be a new one. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl6118 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Sorry for the double post, Goldie, but I think this is a very important opportunity for you to grow. You said "I'm not demanding a new one by any means, the two of us are not materialistic people. It's more about what it symbolizes. " Exactly. It's about what it symbolizes. Right now, you are putting YOUR symbolism--guilt and shame-- above his. You are insisting on your symbolism to the exclusion of his. Gently, but firmly: stop. You asked if you are being selfish. Again, gently, yes, you are. I think you hang on so fiercely to your guilt because you do not want to ever be that person again. But a more meaningful way not to be that person again is to be thoughtful and generous. Let his choice of symbolism be yours, instead of insisting that your feelings be validated over his. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldieLox Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 Right now, you are putting YOUR symbolism--guilt and shame-- above his. You are insisting on your symbolism to the exclusion of his. Gently, but firmly: stop. You asked if you are being selfish. Again, gently, yes, you are. I think you hang on so fiercely to your guilt because you do not want to ever be that person again. But a more meaningful way not to be that person again is to be thoughtful and generous. Let his choice of symbolism be yours, instead of insisting that your feelings be validated over his. That's exactly where it's coming from, and I believe you're right. Thank you for pointing that out. Having an affair was intentionally selfish. I'm not trying to be intentionally selfish in this situation. I'm trying to hard so rectify things that I am, in turn, being selfish. Also thank you to everyone else who replied. I do believe honoring his wishes is the right thing to do after thinking outloud on here for a bit. I just want to stop hurting him and for him to be happy. If that's what does it, then so be it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 To be 100% honest, if it were up to me, I'd rather just shelf this whole subject for another year or so until we are further along in the reconciliation process. I'm fine going without a ring, but I know it bothers him. As for the issue of the money, I would never outright ask him to buy me a new ring. I probably should've emphasized that earlier, the thread was more based on the idea of original ring vs. new ring and the feelings that go with it. I've gone to selfish lows, but that would probably be a new one. Where are you in your re commitment to him and your marriage at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldieLox Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 That's exactly where it's coming from, and I believe you're right. Thank you for pointing that out. Having an affair was intentionally selfish. I'm not trying to be intentionally selfish in this situation. I'm trying to hard so rectify things that I am, in turn, being selfish. Also thank you to everyone else who replied. I do believe honoring his wishes is the right thing to do after thinking outloud on here for a bit. I just want to stop hurting him and for him to be happy. If that's what does it, then so be it. that should say "so hard", not "to". damn phone. Muddy, to answer your question, I'm in IC. We are working on getting a MC. We make sure to communicate effectively, and that has made a huge difference. We actually talk about our feelings now instead of rug sweeping. We are literally starting over in the sense that it's like we are dating eachother again. We are trying to do new things and just enjoy being with eachother. I should also mention that there's 100% transparency and honesty from me. The walls are beginning to break down little by little. MC will be a help as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Yeah, the rings at this point are superficial. My best wishes to you both as you move forward together. We are 3.5 ish years from disclosure. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 First you rejected his love through an affair and now you are rejecting the symbol of his love, the ring. To your husband this is just another selfish act by you that he is not good enough. I think that wearing the ring he gave you in good faith is a small price to pay to help him heal. Quit making everything about you. If it feels dirty, send it out to be professionally cleaned. You could even create an evening of celebration of you putting the ring back on and declaring your re-commitment to the relationship and how happy you are to have another chance and a husband as faithful as him. Make him a good meal, buy a bottle of Merlot and make it a bonding event, not something that further divides you two. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Perhaps your husband is like me. I always took the symbolism of the rings to be just the one stated in the words of the marriage ceremony: "I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you." Thus, the ring my wife wears was given from me to her as a symbol of MY vow. If I were in your husband's shoes, I would be more likely to take the ring I wore off, as it symbolizes the vow from you, and expect that you would keep yours, as they symbolize his vow which is not broken. Yes. This is why I no longer wear my ring, yet my wife continues to wear hers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I suggest you - after some time to heal - ask your husband to marry you again. Have a vow renewal ceremony and give each other new rings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 So I did a self-induced D-Day back in April. If you cheated during your engagement and D-Day was only 3 months ago, it's way too early for your to be even thinking about ring styles and settings... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Dear GoldyLox, Damm woman, you got it !!!! Best of luck. Dutchman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I also feel like you guys are kind of rushing the healing process- just from my own experience, we also wanted to be healed really quickly- I am sorry, I wish it worked that way, but it doesn't and we tried- But on to the question- we each did what we felt was right- we have "tried" to approach reconciliation as not only our journey together but personal journeys as well- we try to acknowledge that we are different people and heal in different ways- He chose to keep his ring with the idea that I did not break my vow to him- I had a new ring made from a family ring, very non-traditional looking, better reflecting my current taste in rings- we talked about a renewing our vows but have not done so- more me than him, not that I am not in it for the long run but I do not see vows as unbreakable any longer and its just not something I am in to- We have talked about he and I sitting around our fire pit and writing things on index cards to throw in the fire as a symbol of letting go of some of the pain- the idea came about when we were burning some stuff left over from a party, I said, all our sins go up in smoke as a joke- and he said, jeez I wish I could burn away all of this pain in our lives- the idea feels really authentic to me and that makes it more powerful than vows which have been around forever and are the ideals of someone else- Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 a reminder though MC is Important not just IC, from what i can see, you seem to be decent & genuine person to make things right and reconcile. thinking about the rings and all, that's deep. and i do agree about getting new rings or why not melt them to make a new one sounds even better. Link to post Share on other sites
maaz3231 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 When Dday occurred, I told my wife that I was not going to wear the original wedding ring and I did not want her to wear hers anymore either. We went ring less for a year and a half. I needed a new commitment from her, and those original rings represented lies to me. So we finally found new rings, and while putting them on each other, recited new vows. That was the only way I was comfortable with either of us wearing wedding rings again. I did not buy her a new engagement ring. It sits in a box with our old wedding bands. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Hope you can see this from his side. I do wish both of you happiness. Good luck. He could feel that by not wearing any ring that others would think that you are not married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cgiles Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 We have both a joint and separate accounts. I have offered to pay for it. I just want to start over. Like if it was a new marriage, a new relationship ? Refusing to wear your ring, show to your husband you put your feelings before his. Being remorseful is the exact opposite, putting the feeling of the victim, before ours. You say it would hurt him, but it seems to only hurt you, reminding you how you make him suffer. If your husband asked you to shave your hair, for show your shame, would you do it, or put your physical appearance before his needs ? I know it can sounds extrem, but that's the final point, which needs or feelings are most important now, yours or his ? Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 This one's pretty easy. Wear the ring. Your husband will feel better now, and you'll probably feel a lot better as you come to believe his extraordinary and somewhat miraculous response to your disclosure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Goldie, are you talking about a new engagement ring or wedding band? Like one of the posters mentioned above, I think there is a difference. A new, simple wedding band (if he was good with that) seems very reasonable. A new engagement ring? I don't think too many men who were cheated on would buy their spouse a new engagement ring, even if they were planning to renew vows/whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldieLox Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 The rings are actually a "ring". The band and engagement ring are soldered together. It was a great idea at the time (a lot of women actually do this). I refer to it simply as my engagement ring, but the whole piece entails both rings. We had another discussion about this last night. I told him that I don't care about a ring, old or new. I'm just grateful that he is physically still here, and if it makes him happy, I will wear it, but I'm honestly happy without one too. He really wants me to wear that ring because it means so much to him. He said he wants to send it out and have it professionally cleaned and replace the center stone when we are further down the reconciliation process. That way it is still the same ring, but there is something new in it. That was 100% his idea. I told him I didn't expect that and I would just wear it as is, but he is insisting. I'm hoping that as I make further progress with myself and with us, I will not assign so many negative thoughts to the ring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 GoldieLox, I am a jeweler. I re-make wedding rings ALL THE TIME. You could have a designer/jeweler use the same metal and stones, but create a new design that would be totally different and would still have meaning for both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldieLox Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 GoldieLox, I am a jeweler. I re-make wedding rings ALL THE TIME. You could have a designer/jeweler use the same metal and stones, but create a new design that would be totally different and would still have meaning for both of you. I absolutely love that idea. I think that's where he was kind of going with by wanting to replace the stone, I just didn't think we realize what you mentioned was possible! Too bad you live on the opposite coast from me Thank you so much for that idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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