Dela Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 hello everyone, i am recently out of an 8 month affair with a married man. i was never married nor have any kids yet. MM has 2 kids and it s been with his wife for almost 12 years. he wanted to separate but he changed his mind (for the kids). she doesn t know anything about the affair and the things that happened in it. i am curious, as a wife, would u want to know? would it help your marriage or break it? do u think you d deserve to know and who should be the one to tell u the truth? thank u Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I'm in the curious position of not caring qbout the sex. I hate the lies, more.... If you want to get married, you make promises. if you can't keep the promises - don't get married. The extra-marital sex means nothing to me. My problem would be with being taken for a fool. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I think as a BS I would want to know. She has the right just like he did to chose if they want to move forward with the relationship. Do you feel like you should tell her? Why did the affair end? C 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I hope you're not asking this question with the thought of telling his BS. Opinions will differ wildly here. His W very well may be of the "ignorance is bliss" variety. Deal with your guilt in a different way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 I hope you're not asking this question with the thought of telling his BS. Opinions will differ wildly here. His W very well may be of the "ignorance is bliss" variety. Deal with your guilt in a different way. no i m not thinking about it. i could have done it long time ago and i didn t. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 I think as a BS I would want to know. She has the right just like he did to chose if they want to move forward with the relationship. Do you feel like you should tell her? Why did the affair end? C i ended it because i coudn t take it anymore. he was not going to leave the marriage as he many times said he would, so i wanted to spare myself some more pain. so i "sent" him home to raise his kids and live his life as he wants. i don t feel like i should tell her, i would never do that. they have 2 kids and i don t know how she ll react or what she can do. i know for sure that he loves his kids and i can t just break their heart like that. i m sure she wouldn t want to know that he left my home crying, that i was pregnant and he didn t mind me keeping the child or other heartbreaking things that happened. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 As much as it would hurt me, I would like to know if my H was having or had an affair. I'd rather he told me himself about it, but I'll receive the info from anyone. What would really piss me off is an OW saying I deserve to know the truth, when she had no problem sleeping with my H for however long. I deserved to know before it happened. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I would always prefer a bitter truth over a sweet lie. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 knowing is always better than not knowing. Always. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 As much as it would hurt me, I would like to know if my H was having or had an affair. I'd rather he told me himself about it, but I'll receive the info from anyone. What would really piss me off is an OW saying I deserve to know the truth, when she had no problem sleeping with my H for however long. I deserved to know before it happened. well, it s not like i was going to go to his wife and say something when we started. i m not saying what i did was good, it was actually wrong and a NEVER EVER AGAIN thing, but it s not me who s married to her so i should t say anything. if they have problems, they should talk and say their truths and be honest with each other. i don t know her and i think it would be disrespectul from my part to just look her up and tell her everything. she has done nothing wrong to me and i owe her nothing. her husband took some vows so he s the one responsible of his guilt. i deal with mine my own way... Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 (edited) i am curious, as a wife, would u want to know? absolutely. would it help your marriage or break it? infidelity is & was a dealbreaker for me. so it would most definitely be the end of a romantic relationship between me and my partner/spouse - and if the circumstances (finances, kids...) were right, i'd divorce. if not -- i'd make some kind of deal with my partner & we'd stay together until we're ready to go our separate ways. do u think you d deserve to know and who should be the one to tell u the truth? yes, i deserve to know what's going on in my relationship and my partner/spouse should be the one who should tell me. if not my partner - then someone who knows me and is close to me... a friend or a family member. but i don't really care who tells me, at the end of the day - as long as SOMEONE does. Edited July 19, 2015 by minimariah 7 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I want to know, I hope/pray/prepare/act to know. The source doesn't really matter whom, though rationally for me the best would be from an uninvolved third party. The fourth party, yes. Most definitely knowing will help me decides, and most probably it will break the marriage, but everyone make mistakes and it's not unthinkable to choose to stay. That's it on my side, hope that is helpful. Maybe I'm just someone who is scared of being deceived, way more than being betrayed. Now for you, what do you think? Would you want to know if in the future you have a husband who has, or has had, an affair? Which would be better for your life, knowing or not? And this one other hypothetical question, if you know for sure that telling your xMM's wife will tremendously helps her and makes her life better, would you do it or not? Good luck, and congrats on getting out of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 i ended it because i coudn t take it anymore. he was not going to leave the marriage as he many times said he would, so i wanted to spare myself some more pain. so i "sent" him home to raise his kids and live his life as he wants. i don t feel like i should tell her, i would never do that. they have 2 kids and i don t know how she ll react or what she can do. i know for sure that he loves his kids and i can t just break their heart like that. i m sure she wouldn t want to know that he left my home crying, that i was pregnant and he didn t mind me keeping the child or other heartbreaking things that happened. You both did this. He had a choice. So its already done. If she learns on her own you can bet she will want answers. I read a article the other day that most women wont stay after being cheated on. So as far as the kids are concerned she will probably keep them and he will get to do the every other weekend thing. No one says you have to say anything but I personally feel she does deserve to know. I really don't have any sympathy for either one of you. You both knew what you were doing and you knew he was a liar and a cheater the moment you both entered in the affair. From what I can see most men that are the ones cheating never want to leave there wives. Why should they. They get the best of both worlds right? I mean if your just going to look at it from a selfish standpoint that is how I would look at it if I wanted to do something like that. I personally would just rather have a meaningful REAL relationship with someone that isn't based on LIES and DECIET. That is just me. I would never go along with sharing someone. If your going to just walk away from him and not tell her then I would suggest you go as far as you can away from them. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sad_Panda03 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Everyone in this forum says to tell, but as a married man I would rather never ever know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I would only want to know if others knew. I know a guy who got caught cheating on his wife. In the end she kept him. He doesn't know she was screwing a friend for a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 This is discussed ad naseum on this forum and it always comes down to this: The BSs say "tell" and the cheaters say "don't tell". As a BS I am 100% in the "tell" camp. I found out about my wife's affair 8 years after it happened, so I know the extra damage of prolonging the truth. I was robbed of many life choices because I did not have all of the facts. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I'm also in the "tell" camp. I don't care who tells me- friends, family, even if the OW herself were to tell me (and I seriously would not care what her reason for telling me is), I would want to know the truth. I noticed that people who are the "do not tell" camp most often tend to be the OWs/OMs, at least on here that I've observed. Their reasoning? What if the BW is of the "ignorance is bliss" variety? Well, what if she's not. How do you know what the BW wants, are you her? No. I think for a lot of people, truth is very important. With the truth, a BW no longer has to waste her precious life on her whoring husband. She can be free to divorce him and find herself someone more worthy. I personally don't see why the reason for the OW to tell matters. So what if she tells the BW out of anger or revenge or spite? Anything is better than the BW being lied to and backstabbed by someone who is supposed to cherish, love and protect her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I say you should tell. It's the right thing to do. In essence your AP - her WH, is abusing her physically and mentally without her knowledge. She needs to know the truth of her reality so she can make informed choices about her future. But I'm curious... You stated clearly that you are not going to tell his BW. So.. why are you asking this question? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Why am i asking this question is a good question I have seen many cases when the W finds out and they stay married anyway. So for sure, if i were to tell her, i wouldn t be doing this expecting that the MM will be a single man. no way i know there s a little evil/hurt/sad part of me that feels she should know. though, not from me. on the other hand, what good would that do to me? i can t go back in time and not making this mistake. i know some (or even all) BW blame us the OW and yes u might be right to do it. i might be in your shoes someday too when i ll be married. but we don t have it easy at all. i don t remember reading any thread here saying "i m so happy with my MM" i actually "sent" mine home when, after it was HIS idea to leave the marriage (i never asked this in the first place) he finally changed his mind and he told me. there was no future faking, i didn t waste more years of my life and i do appreciate him for being honest about it. i think it s the only reason i don t go to **** up his life right now. i do wish he would be honest with her Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Why am i asking this question is a good question I have seen many cases when the W finds out and they stay married anyway. So for sure, if i were to tell her, i wouldn t be doing this expecting that the MM will be a single man. no way i know there s a little evil/hurt/sad part of me that feels she should know. though, not from me. on the other hand, what good would that do to me? i can t go back in time and not making this mistake. i know some (or even all) BW blame us the OW and yes u might be right to do it. i might be in your shoes someday too when i ll be married. but we don t have it easy at all. i don t remember reading any thread here saying "i m so happy with my MM" i actually "sent" mine home when, after it was HIS idea to leave the marriage (i never asked this in the first place) he finally changed his mind and he told me. there was no future faking, i didn t waste more years of my life and i do appreciate him for being honest about it. i think it s the only reason i don t go to **** up his life right now. i do wish he would be honest with her Perhaps OW don't "have it easy at all", but at least we willingly get to choose our pain. BSs just have this bomb dropped into their lives with no choice at all. If her husband was any kind of decent man he'd find the balls to tell her himself, but he's just not that kind of guy, is he? Just leave them both alone. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
I4givehim Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 hello everyone, i am recently out of an 8 month affair with a married man. i was never married nor have any kids yet. MM has 2 kids and it s been with his wife for almost 12 years. he wanted to separate but he changed his mind (for the kids). she doesn t know anything about the affair and the things that happened in it. i am curious, as a wife, would u want to know? would it help your marriage or break it? do u think you d deserve to know and who should be the one to tell u the truth? thank u I am glad the OW told me about the A. It really opened my eyes and I now know what a POS of a person my husband really is. I never in a million years thought he would have done something like this to me. NEVER!!! So, now I am divorcing his loser a**. Moving onto a better life. I have daughters and I want them to know YOU NEVER LET ANYONE BETRAY YOU, MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOU ect.... For the young ladies on here, OW, any women being treated like sh**, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! Take care of yourself first ladies and you will find happiness within you 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 As a BS I'm firmly in the "tell" camp here. As others have said it's the lies and gaslighting that are the problem not so much what the WS did sexually (although that hurts) An affair is created when two people deliberately devise, plan and initiate a relationship for their own satisfaction and then keep it hidden from a 3rd party, to whom one of the APs has made promises of fidelity. The "committed" partner then lies to the BS to avoid discovery and keeps them in the primary relationship under false pretenses. These are the actions of a cruel, selfish and wicked person and the BS deserves to know just what she is married to. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Yes. How else can you make any decisions about your future? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I am a BS and also in the tell camp- In a perfect world, my husband would be the one to tell me- if you really want her to know, tell the MM he has 2 weeks to tell her or you are going to do it and then stick to it- if you do tell, be prepared to walk away-' It appears from my time on here, most OW go through the I want to tell phase- all say its not so the BS will leave but for their own good- I am not sure how much truth is in that-as I feel like most OW feel this way during a traumatic time so they can not be honest with themselves, much less anyone else- I feel like its normal, maybe not healthy, but a normal part of processing a traumatic event- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Tell tell tell. The first thing I did when I found out was go to my gyn to have a full std panel done. I deserve to know that my health has been risked, my kids need at least one parent who is healthy and modelling adult behaviour. The second thing I did was let the bh know we were both married to whores. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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