gettingstronger Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 For the betrayed spouses who say they want to know, what do you want to know? Do you want confirmation an affair occurred or do you want details? As an OM, I think my AP's husband is better off not knowing anything. He's totally unaware and thinks he has the perfect wife. Knowing she had a long extensive affair would be bad. However, knowing the details would would be cruel in my opinion. I don't see how the details would be helpful. Tip off to the affair could come from anyone- details from spouse-if you can not trust your spouse to answer your questions and want to verify the info, that is a whole other issue in my mind-not that I blame or judge those that needed- Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 For the betrayed spouses who say they want to know, what do you want to know? Do you want confirmation an affair occurred or do you want details? As an OM, I think my AP's husband is better off not knowing anything. He's totally unaware and thinks he has the perfect wife. Knowing she had a long extensive affair would be bad. However, knowing the details would would be cruel in my opinion. I don't see how the details would be helpful. i just want to know that an affair -- infidelity -- had happened. that is & was more than enough for me to gracefully bow out. it takes me even less than that -- when i get suspicious, it's already over. since i didn't & wouldn't reconcile -- no need for details, really. when you're done, you don't care & you just want to move on with your life. it's completely different for those who want to reconcile & stay, work on their marriage... it's like you suddenly become morbidly curious and you want to know absolutely everything, i think. it depends on what you'll do with the information you have = if you want to STAY, then details are important. if you're done anyway, what is the point? Both good points. When in recon the BS may test the WS's comitment by demanding details. BS may feel like WS lost the right to decide what is helpful or hurtful to the BS so nothing the BS wants to know should be held back. Then BS finds out things that in no way would be helpful and in fact are very harmful. Harmful to recon. Harmful to BS. So the level of detail question is very difficult. The WS nor the BS can tell how much is too much until too late. Its an individual preference. Bottom line, affairs suck for the BS. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I suppose he used the same line many other cheating husbands use - I'm unhappy in my marriage and going to divorce soon. Then when he was done playing with you he has an excuse to dump you. I wonder how many times he has done this. That would be my guess. But to answer your question yes she deserves to know. This chump was using you - time to pay him back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 but i don t feel it s my place to tell her. i don t want the situation to be even harder. i m out of the A and i m trying to get better. Expose anonymously. He basically wanted to keep your child a secret. He wasn't going to be with you right? So you can see the love is one sided here I would definetly want to know if my H got another woman pregnant. Ignorance is bliss is nonsense to me. Give me the truth and let me take it from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 Expose anonymously. He basically wanted to keep your child a secret. He wasn't going to be with you right? So you can see the love is one sided here I would definetly want to know if my H got another woman pregnant. Ignorance is bliss is nonsense to me. Give me the truth and let me take it from there. i just realized why i don t want her to find out (except not wanting to ruin his life - the kids are small and i know for sure he s really afraid of what the W could do, i can t imagine her kicking him out and not letting him see the kids- i think that would be a low thing for me to do) but most importantly why i don t want to expose, i think that somehow, in my pain and sorrow i hope that he will, someday or soon, come back (with a change of heart, maybe a plan)... i know, ****ed up.... Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 i just realized why i don t want her to find out (except not wanting to ruin his life - the kids are small and i know for sure he s really afraid of what the W could do, i can t imagine her kicking him out and not letting him see the kids- i think that would be a low thing for me to do) but most importantly why i don t want to expose, i think that somehow, in my pain and sorrow i hope that he will, someday or soon, come back (with a change of heart, maybe a plan)... i know, ****ed up.... Hugs Dela. This MM has never given any signs he's leaving his M. I'd stick with that and understand he's just a man who intends to stay married and continue cheating... If not with you, with someone else. Would you want to be his wife knowing he lacks that much character? Are you in counseling? It could help you to understand why you would consider settling for a man with so little to offer you. Yes, I'd still want to know if I were his wife. Truth helps make informed decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 i just realized why i don t want her to find out (except not wanting to ruin his life - the kids are small and i know for sure he s really afraid of what the W could do, i can t imagine her kicking him out and not letting him see the kids- i think that would be a low thing for me to do) but most importantly why i don t want to expose, i think that somehow, in my pain and sorrow i hope that he will, someday or soon, come back (with a change of heart, maybe a plan)... i know, ****ed up.... I am not sure how it is in your country, but in the US, you cannot be prohibited from seeing your kids just because you cheated (regardless of how many people think this is a good idea). So I wouldn't have that as a fear unless your country is different. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Then BS finds out things that in no way would be helpful and in fact are very harmful. Harmful to recon. Harmful to BS. i think the BS wants to know the DEPTH of the affair relationship. sometimes... As weren't serious or deep, they were a literal fling... something meaningless. but the BS has a feeling that it was this superb, incredible love -- that's when the BS imagination starts getting wild & sometimes you THINK things were more serious than they were and that's where the problem starts. it's hard to get rid of that kind or paranoia. you constantly want to know EVERYTHING... more and more so you can see what was the affair REALLY about. i think the details are neccessary for a couple to figure out why did the affair happen in the first place, what had attracted the WS to that other person... i noticed a lot of couples shy away from that conversation, even when both of them truly want to reconcile. but the more you talk about it, the more you communicate... the less of a taboo the A is & with time it's less painful. with talking about it you turn from this BIG DEAL by dissecting it, every detail... into a literal nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 How much info should be shared? as little as possible. i'm always against the OW/OM exposing. if you MUST, expose it to someone who is close to the BS & let that person be the one who will expose the A to the BS. even though i always say -- when the OW or the OM approaches you & exposes the A... that's actually a "good" thing for the BS because most of the time, when it comes to that -- the A is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 ...you constantly want to know EVERYTHING... more and more so you can see what was the affair REALLY about. i think the details are neccessary for a couple to figure out why did the affair happen in the first place, what had attracted the WS to that other person... This. And to add: For a good number of BS's,having an A isn't necessarily a deal breaker. Or it starts off as one in theory, but changes once it becomes a reality. So when you're hit with the fact that your spouse has had an A, you have a lot of decisions to make, most importantly if you want to R or not. IMO, it's best to have as much information as possible when making such a decision. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 Is it such an empowering thing to have her info (phone no, work email&address, fb etc) and not do anything. i don t know, it just feels this way. in 5 minutes i can turn her world upside down but i m not doing it... i walked out of this A with my head held high. it might not seem like this for me NOW since i was crying like a baby and looked like crap when i did it, but i do think that i was a lady until the end. i can just pray she finds out another way Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 i don t know, it just feels this way. in 5 minutes i can turn her world upside down but i m not doing it... Why is it important for you to feel you have power over her- is it because you feel like you have no power over her husband? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Is it such an empowering thing to have her info (phone no, work email&address, fb etc) and not do anything. i don t know, it just feels this way. in 5 minutes i can turn her world upside down but i m not doing it... for the life of me, i don't see what can possibly be empowering about it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 i don t know, it just feels this way. in 5 minutes i can turn her world upside down but i m not doing it... Why is it important for you to feel you have power over her- is it because you feel like you have no power over her husband? no. the only way i could hurt him it would be thru her (unfortunatelly). so it s not her i want to hurt by exposing actually, i d do it to hurt him. it s not about her. i m thinking of her like the middle person. having her infor and not doing it gives me power over him actually. ecuation solved Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 But i m not thinking to expose the affair. I will not do it. It just makes me feel a little better knowing that i could. That s all... Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm in the curious position of not caring qbout the sex. I hate the lies, more.... If you want to get married, you make promises. if you can't keep the promises - don't get married. The extra-marital sex means nothing to me. My problem would be with being taken for a fool. I couldn't agree more with this. The betrayal is what killed me. I definitely would have preferred to know. Ideally, it would come from a friend but even an anonymous tip would have been appreciated. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 no. the only way i could hurt him it would be thru her (unfortunatelly). so it s not her i want to hurt by exposing actually, i d do it to hurt him. it s not about her. i m thinking of her like the middle person. having her infor and not doing it gives me power over him actually. ecuation solved I'm unsure how you gather that this solves any equation. Yes, so far - she's the middle person... We are assuming she knows nothing. But that's an assumption. And meanwhile, you've determined if she knew you might get him. And now you want her to know. And you've made effort to retrieve her personal info. And you think this gives you power... I think that's simply an illusion based on a little bit of info on her. If we turned it around - what if SHE had info on you? What if you didn't know she had that info? Does that give her power over you? Not really - it's just an illusion... I hope you seek help. Still wanting him when he shows such lack of integrity makes me hope you would aim for a higher goal for yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm unsure how you gather that this solves any equation. Yes, so far - she's the middle person... We are assuming she knows nothing. But that's an assumption. And meanwhile, you've determined if she knew you might get him. And now you want her to know. And you've made effort to retrieve her personal info. And you think this gives you power... I think that's simply an illusion based on a little bit of info on her. If we turned it around - what if SHE had info on you? What if you didn't know she had that info? Does that give her power over you? Not really - it's just an illusion... I hope you seek help. Still wanting him when he shows such lack of integrity makes me hope you would aim for a higher goal for yourself. i know... just having a bad day... :/ it s just that feeling when u want them to be in pain also... Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Dela if you could move forward without exposing the A I would do that. It seems you do not want to turn this BS' world upside down. It will and will also turn your MMs life upside down as well. Maybe seek therapy and friendships that will help you move in a more positive direction. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 In order to answer this question for themsleves, I suggest that on OW look at the situation like this. Would you want to know if your mm was seeing another ow besides you? Would you want to know if he was telling the truth about his marriage? Would i matter if you found out it was actually happy, that he had no real intention of leaving, that he was just stringing you along and future faking? Would you be better off not knowing what the truth of your relationship was? If you would like to know and feel you deserve the truth of your own situation, then surely the bs deserves the same knowledge about hers. Excuses like ' it's not my place to tell the truth" or ' I don't want to hurt his bs/ kids, career, family etc." don't hold water as you have already done that. It is the action of the affair that causes the damage, not the truth. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 i don t know, it just feels this way. in 5 minutes i can turn her world upside down but i m not doing it... Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe, as some will suggest, she already knows. Then telling only serves to get her annoyed at her H at having his OW call. A sharp lecture to him I might add. An annoyance to her. I mean, aren't we assuming the "deal" is he can cheat but can't 1) leave (D) and 2) rub her/others nose in it? So telling does no real harm to anyone - just a rebuke. (We hear this often but I have NEVER seen it - here or elsewhere. Not one instance) More likely, to me, is she has either no idea or the inkling of one. Telling her does NOT turn her world upside down - its already upside she just doesn't know it. Additionally, telling the BS doesn't make the A real or not - it IS real. It happened. You are just lifting the illusion of the BS's M to the BS. Like my first post in this thread...the answer ultimately comes down to "avoiding consequence". It doesn't make you bad - who the h_ll wants to face the aftermath of bad behavior - no one (myself included). But I do have a challenge for you. No need to answer here - just a little something to ponder: How is it acceptable to HAVE an A but not to tell the BS (or anyone usually) OF the A? i walked out of this A with my head held high. it might not seem like this for me NOW since i was crying like a baby and looked like crap when i did it, but i do think that i was a lady until the end. Always a lady. Simply making some really bad decisions does not alter YOU. i can just pray she finds out another way Who else knows who CAN tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I am in the unfortunate position of having been both BS and OW. My exH cheated toward the end of our marriage. I wanted out of the marriage anyway. We were not right for each other. I found out about the affair and would have preferred to not know, because we were heading for divorce anyway and it made it harder for me to be a co-parent with him as he was sleeping with one of our daughter's friend's mother. I guess if I had the fantasy that the marriage was solid and he was doing this, I'd want to know. Ultimately, the truth is the best. Living a deluded marriage isn't being married, really. I was an "accidental" OW...as in I ignored the obvious signs that MM was lying, and listened to him when he gave me his saga about being in an embattled divorce situation. No divorce situation at all...living with his wife, she oblivious to the fact that he was going on "business travel" and having a fake relationship with me. I TOLD her. Don't know if it was for me or for her...but it definitely was the proverbial "nail in the coffin" that ended things between us. At least on my side. Despite his wife knowing, he periodically finds ways to communicate with me and test the boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 i am curious, as a wife, would u want to know? would it help your marriage or break it? do u think you d deserve to know and who should be the one to tell u the truth? I would only "want to know" if *he* told me. Our M is nobody's business but our own. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 The BS deserves to know. I'm not a BS nor have I cheated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nouedis Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Some things aren't worth doing and jeopardizing. Link to post Share on other sites
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