Mixed signals. What is he looking for?

[Amalyn]

Hi. I'm new here. Here's my story....

 

I have developed feelings for this guy that I work with over the past couple months. We've worked together for about 2 years and have become work buddies you could say. We talk everyday at work and laugh and joke around. I definitely get the impression he likes me. He's told me things he likes about me as far as my hobbies/interests (we share a lot of the same hobbies) and my personality and has even told me I'm an awesome person and he enjoys being around me. He even said "blah blah blah... is why I like you so much."

 

When we text, we flirt pretty heavily. The problem is he always seems to end up talking about how he wants to have sex with me. Not the entire time, but it will lead there. It doesn't make me all that uncomfortable because we've known each other for awhile now, but it somewhat makes me feel like he may only want sex from me. But then I tell myself that is absurd and crazy because when we do text, it's for sometimes 4 hours straight and we talk about plenty of other things besides sex (and the majority of the conversation is not about sex).

 

Do you think this guy does only want to have sex with me? I have told him that I'm not really that kind of a girl and when I did he claimed "we are on the same page" and that he "doesn't do random hookups". I would like to take things to the next level, as far as dating, but I'm getting a little bit of mixed signals.

 

Thoughts?

[La.Primavera]

What is telling here is the fact that he said he wants to have sex with you but not that he actually wants to take you out on a date. That says a lot. Yes, he might be putting some effort into getting to know you but it doesn't change the fact that he is motivated by wanting to have sex with you.

 

Another thing, just because he "doesn't do random hookups" doesn't necessarily mean he is looking for a relationship. He could be looking for a Friend with Benefits. Before getting too invested in this guy make sure to clarify exactly what he wants. It is so easy to get sucked in by someone who claims to be really interested in you as a person when all they really want is a casual arrangement.

 

Proceed with caution.

[Amalyn]

Yeah. That's kind of what I was worried about. He has mentioned previously about taking me places, like sporting events, dinner, etc. But he has never really made any firm plans. The last time we talked I told him I think he needs to spend some real time with me and get to know me and he said "you're right".

[La.Primavera]

In my experience the safest bet is to always judge a man by his actions not his words. It is a lesson a lot of us learn the hard way.

[Amalyn]

In my experience the safest bet is to always judge a man by his actions not his words. It is a lesson a lot of us learn the hard way.

 

Good idea. I do like the way he speaks to me in person. Very polite and attentive.

[Survivor12]

Yeah. That's kind of what I was worried about. He has mentioned previously about taking me places, like sporting events, dinner, etc. But he has never really made any firm plans. The last time we talked I told him I think he needs to spend some real time with me and get to know me and he said "you're right".

 

You're assuming that his idea of "real time" is the same as yours.

 

It seems obvious that he enjoys flirting with you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants a relationship with you.

 

Perhaps he enjoys the attention or fun distraction from the tedium of work.

(How often does he initiate contact outside of work hours?)

 

Perhaps he genuinely likes you & enjoys bantering with you.

 

And, given the chance, he would have sex with you.

 

BUT, he isn't interested enough to make any effort. Think about it--if he had a real interest in you--whether as relationship material or just for sex--he would have made the move to ask you out. He knows you're interested & all he would need to do is ask you on a date, but he hasn't! He has, however, told you that he wants to have sex with you.

 

What does that tell you? What it tells me is that he doesn't even care enough about having sex with you to put any effort into playing the game to get it, let alone have any interest in having relationship with you.

 

Can that change? Maybe, but not as long as you are around feeding his ego from a silver platter and rewarding his sexual comments by telling him how interested you are in "spending real time" with him. Think about it--why should he make a move & risk losing his daily dose of attention & adoration? He can get sex elsewhere, but he's got you to make his work hours fun.

 

If you really want more, you need to stop being so available to him. I'm not suggesting that you ignore him but take a step back. Don't answer immediately & be brief when you do. Don't engage in the sex (& relationship) talk. If he brings it up, don't reply or change the subject. Don't counter with how you would like to spend time with him (translation: if you take me on some dates, you have a shot).

 

One last thing--don't overlook the possibility that he may have a gf or be "seeing" someone.

[Amalyn]

You're assuming that his idea of "real time" is the same as yours.

 

It seems obvious that he enjoys flirting with you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants a relationship with you.

 

Perhaps he enjoys the attention or fun distraction from the tedium of work.

(How often does he initiate contact outside of work hours?)

 

Perhaps he genuinely likes you & enjoys bantering with you.

 

And, given the chance, he would have sex with you.

 

BUT, he isn't interested enough to make any effort. Think about it--if he had a real interest in you--whether as relationship material or just for sex--he would have made the move to ask you out. He knows you're interested & all he would need to do is ask you on a date, but he hasn't! He has, however, told you that he wants to have sex with you.

 

What does that tell you? What it tells me is that he doesn't even care enough about having sex with you to put any effort into playing the game to get it, let alone have any interest in having relationship with you.

 

Can that change? Maybe, but not as long as you are around feeding his ego from a silver platter and rewarding his sexual comments by telling him how interested you are in "spending real time" with him. Think about it--why should he make a move & risk losing his daily dose of attention & adoration? He can get sex elsewhere, but he's got you to make his work hours fun.

 

If you really want more, you need to stop being so available to him. I'm not suggesting that you ignore him but take a step back. Don't answer immediately & be brief when you do. Don't engage in the sex (& relationship) talk. If he brings it up, don't reply or change the subject. Don't counter with how you would like to spend time with him (translation: if you take me on some dates, you have a shot).

 

One last thing--don't overlook the possibility that he may have a gf or be "seeing" someone.

 

 

I would agree except that we do not flirt while working. Any flirting we do takes place outside of work. We have normal friend type conversations. We discuss work, his family, my family, sports, he told me about his vacation, etc. nearly anything....we can talk about it. Maybe your right and he only sees me as a friend that he would have sex with given the chance. But he did say he hopes he can take me to a football game this fall and also had asked me out on an actual date in the past, but I kind of beat around the bush with my response due to the fact I didn't really want to date at the time. I'm not sure what to think cause he is genuinely polite and nice and has never said anything sexual or rude to my face. Maybe I am naive. But at the very least, he is definitely a good friend.

Edited July 21, 2015 by Amalyn