Is he using her to get over me or does he really like her?

[erinrenie]

okay, it all started 5 months ago. I was feeling emotionally numb, and i felt like i had no feelings for anything that had stimulated me before. My boyfriend of a year and half (he is also my very best friend we are both 21) noticed that something was wrong, so i ended up telling him everything and i decided that i needed to break up in order to clear my head and see what was going on. deep down i knew i still loved him so much, but it hurt so bad to feel like i had no feelings for anything, especially for him, and i knew it would be only temporary this feeling, but i felt horrible feeling this way, and being around someone i loved so much. He was devastated, he cried and he never cries, at first we tried not to see each other, but that did not work out for long. He always wanted me to still stay over, and dont get me wrong i did want to, but i felt it was wrong to while i was feeling this way. But we eventually ended up spending the night w/ eachother all the time. Gradually we grew apart, and as we grew apart, more and more i realized i still wanted to be with him, and i could tell he still wanted to be with me, so i felt there was no urgency to start things right up again, i wanted it to begin again naturally. i knew we still loved eachother even though we werent verbalizing it.

 

cut to a month ago, i get a phone call from my ex saying that he does not want to talk at all for a while, he says that he needs his space and that he needs to see if he can live without me. I am absolutley dumbfounded, here i am thinking that things were gonna get better, and now he wants to cut me off. I try and ask him whats going on, is ther e someone else? he says no but he did go on a date the night before, and he thinks shes cool and would like to date her again, mind you the date was the first time he met her ( and he said they talked about me the whole time). so i decide i need to tell him my feelings for him, he gets mad and says that the only reason i am saying that i still have feelings for him is because i dont want him to date someone else. but we talk and he tells me, that he is sure that nothing with him and the girl, but he still wants to date her, after only seeing her once. a week later he asks me to come over so we can do homework, things seem just like old times, and i can tell by the way he looks at me he still loves me. all of the sudden he brings up 'if we get back together, how are things going to change? how are you going to be happier?' we have a long conversation, and things seem as if we have worked things out. We begin to cuddle and many hours later end up having sex. right after sex he begins to cry and says that things feel so great but it didnt seem real, it seemed fake ( right before we had broken up he had complained of me being distant, which i will concurr i was). After that he said it made his decision that it wasnt right to get back together, at least not right now. and he says that there also is the other girl that he sort of likes.

 

when i ask him about this girl, he doesnt really have anything special to say about her, he says shes not that smart, and when they go out its average, but he will say things like 'she makes me feel like she wants me there' or 'she actually wants to be affectionate with me' he says that she helps him get over me. well now its been a couple of more weeks and they are spending the night together already (shes only 19), i ask him why so fast, he says because he likes her (but this contradicts what he usually does with girls he really likes which is take things really slow). i asked him if things would be different if he felt i was genuine, and he says it would be tremendously different, but yet it seems that everytime i try to show him im genuine it pushes him more away. now he says he really does not want to talk to me right now because he does not want to jeopradize things with her, because he is not over me yet and needs to get over me, but he says that eventually he wants to rebuild our friendship.

 

I know he cares for me so much, i have no doubt in this, this is why his actions are so out of character for him. it is like a totally different person. I am not sure if this is just how he is going to be now, or if he is just trying to not have to confront his problems (which is something that he does very often) ? Is this girl really something special, or just a cushion or rebound? I am afraid that he is just to hurt to accept me back into his life

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow you sure said a mouthful! Where to begin.....?

 

Firstly it sounds like you really hurt him when you were numb and couldn't turn to him for help. Men want to be the ones you turn to and tehy want ot help you solve your problems. You didn't (perhaps couldn't) let him do that, which hurt him.

 

It doesn't sound like he is over you, nor does it sound like he is "that into her." But it does sound like she gives him something you have not been able to - she makes him feel needed and appreciated. At least that is what your wrote that he has said. To men this is very important.

 

So in a nutshell - no I don't think he's using her to get over you precisely, I think he has just found something in her that he needs/wants (to be wanted and needed) that you have not been able to give him.

 

You are certainly in a quandry. On the one hand I would say give him his space - but that is exactly the opposite of what he seems to be looking for.

 

I would probably have a serious heart to heart with him. Explain to him that you know you hurt him and you want to respect his wishes, but if he hopes to rebuild the relationship at some point, shouldn't you start now? I would further discuss that wanting a future with you, but dating this other woman does not seem to be all that fair to her.

 

If after having said heart to heart, he still wants NC - I would suggest you need to move on. This may have already gone too far to salvage at this point.

 

Sorry to say this, but that is MHO

[erinrenie]

thankyou curious, those are precisley my thoughts. given my exes past relationships where he actually liked the girl he did not jump into them quickly, he takes things slower when he likes someone, but then why does he say he likes her, and why is he willing to risk us for some girl that is most likley just a rebound, does that mean she is more than a rebound? when we broke up he was devestated, i cant see him trusting someone else so quickly after his heart just being broken, but it seems he is getting into her so easlily.

 

weve tried to haveheart to hearts but he always ends up getting mad when we go to much into it, like he doesnt want to face it, could this mean hes just over me like that, like i was nothing? I know he felt that i was his soulmate, can it really change that quickly or is he just fooling himself? Why is he so angry, he never showed it before and now all of the sudden he is showing his anger. is he trying to punish me? men and women think so differently, i am just trying to gain a little insight on what could be going trough his head because i cannot tell at all.