Am I being fair?

[CaramelKitty]

Hi everyone! I would love a little input.

So, I married my wonderful husband in March of this year. Prior to that, we were going out for about 8 months. I am 21, my DH is 22... Needless to say, we are both young and still learning how to be mature about things. Let me be frank;My DH's mother has been a heroine and meth addict since she was 16.

 

My DH grew up in a bedroom that had blood splatters and needles all over the floor from his mom injecting herself. He didn't go to school most of his life because she never watched him, his teenage sister did and most of the time he had to cook all his own meals because she was partying. His mother left him for 6 years to do drugs and it caused a lot of issues for my DH, not having a dad as well. Okay, fast forward to the present. Any and every time my DH and I have been in an argument, she always tried to tell him that what I put him through is "too much for some p*ssy". My DH told me this and I was very offended.

 

We live very close to his mother so when we would argue, he would go there and vent just as I would go to my dads house and vent. Yes, we learned that talking about our issues with anyone but each other is a big issue! Anyway, The different is, my dad never held anything against my DH but my MIL never fails to, and once my DH started hearing her comments about me he stopped visiting her. It's been months now. We had an ordeal about the time I jumped on a stripper pole for 3 seconds as a joke on a girls night out (no men were watching me) and my DH was offended, saying it was hurtful to him that I would act like I'm single.

 

Now, I do understand, but his mom was around during the discussion and she said "I would never do something like that!!" Even though, my DH had to close his eyes and ears growing up because she was having sex with a crack dealer in my DH's bedroom. I have no respect for her because of how she treated him and how she loves to chime into our affairs and point her finger at me when hers is filthy. She says I remind her of her abusive ex (meth addict) boyfriends, and that now she wants to be a good mother so her advice is her way of giving back. So today she came over our house unannounced, knocking heavily and yelling for my DH to come out and say hi to her. He had to work in half an hour at that point, we were cuddling after a long week of work, and I told him he could go see her and tell her to call before she comes over. He said he didn't even feel like going out there so we waited inside until she left.

 

I feel bad not being able to be the perfect DIL, but she is a horrible MIL who has called our home one peaceful night-- belligerently drunk, saying she doesn't like how I act. On the phone my DH told her she needed to apologize and respect me or else they wouldn't have a relationship. I won't lie, I have been cheated on before with an ex, so I have a tendency to be insecure, so although my DH is perfect to me and faithful, I have my moments where I accuse him of things that I know he didn't do, just so he's scared to do those things in the future. He is very handsome, and sometimes I worry.

 

I know it's stupid, that's why I'm really working on it! I haven't lashed out in a long time ever since I truly started working on my temper... But his MIL always brings up negative things about me, and my DH always says that she needs to be nice to me or he won't see her at all. My DH and I are young, all of our fights have been for stupid reasons and we blew them out of proportion because we are both jealous of each other, yet would never be unfaithful. We are still learning and neither of us have been happier than the day we got married and most of the days after.

 

Am I being fair? I feel like - I don't care who you are, if you don't respect me, I won't respect you. What do you all think? I just need to protect my self and create boundaries so I don't allow toxic people like my MIL to bring negativity into my and my husbands lives.

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

Your husband needs to stand up to his mother and if he issues an ultimatum he has to mean it. He also needs to reasonable because being offended at you playing on stripper pole while joking around with your gf's and not in the company of men, is ridiculous. Finally he needs to stop telling his mother about your fights and complaining to her about you. Most moms have a hard time being objective in this situation and will usually want to side with their children but this mother is over the top and therefore should be completely banished from knowing anything about the private details of your marriage.

 

 

Yes you should set boundaries with people and expect those to people to respect your boundaries. However if they don't respect you or your boundaries that doesn't give you a license to be disrespectful towards them. That would just be sinking to their level. What you do with people who refuse to respect you is you refuse to have them in your presence. If his mother can't treat you with respect than she cannot be in your house and your husband will have to visit her somewhere else.

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CaramelKitty]

Thank you for your response. My husband has not told her anything about our personal lives in many months, and he says he will never do that again. If she comes in our personal space, she will not be treated kindly. I don't think that is stooping down to her level, but more of a consequence to acting the way she does. She should expect it.

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Your MIL the heroin & meth addict is a toxic influence. But sadly your 22 year old husband doesn't know anything else & he tries to love her because all children crave love from their parents.

 

 

You two married too fast & too young, IMO but what's done is done. Based upon the speed I doubt you had any meaningful pre-marital counseling. So now you need to get some post marriage. You need to learn to communicate. You need to learn how to fight so that it doesn't lead you to divorce. You need to learn how to put each other 1st. These things take time.

 

 

The 1st year of my marriage was hard and we didn't have 1/10 of the problems / struggles you two face. It was still a year of growth & change of learning how to be married & to rely on each other.

 

 

Your DH could also use some therapy to help him finally deal with his dreadful childhood.

[CaramelKitty]

Your MIL the heroin & meth addict is a toxic influence. But sadly your 22 year old husband doesn't know anything else & he tries to love her because all children crave love from their parents.

 

 

You two married too fast & too young, IMO but what's done is done. Based upon the speed I doubt you had any meaningful pre-marital counseling. So now you need to get some post marriage. You need to learn to communicate. You need to learn how to fight so that it doesn't lead you to divorce. You need to learn how to put each other 1st. These things take time.

 

 

The 1st year of my marriage was hard and we didn't have 1/10 of the problems / struggles you two face. It was still a year of growth & change of learning how to be married & to rely on each other.

 

 

Your DH could also use some therapy to help him finally deal with his dreadful childhood.

 

I don't believe we married too young or too quick. From day one we have been madly in love with each other and we still are. Most of the time we get along better than most other couples. Many other people my age have gotten married and stayed together for 50+ years like my grandparents... So please don't imply that it was a mistake. I would do it over again in a second. But thank you for your response.

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CarrieT]

Yes, you married too young. Granted, there were many who married that young and whose marriages lasted 50+ years but those marriages were created at a time when there was no internet and people who had problems in their relationships just sucked it up and dealt with it without asking strangers how to solve their problems.

 

I'm not saying your marriage won't survive, but I would be willing to put a $1,000 in a bank account and give it to you on your tenth anniversary (with interest) *if* you survive that long.

 

I have a feeling many here would take my bet, back me up, and believe the odds on are on my side that I would get my money back. Sorry, but we who have been in your shoes (I am 51 years old), KNOW what it was like getting married in our early 20s.

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Yikes, how a simple issue with readability can go sideways. Folks, in the future, if encountering posts that are walls of text, simply report them to moderation. No need to start up a whole threadjack on that kind of stuff and devolve it into fisticuffs. Thanks!