A tale of two lovers from the other side of the pond!

[miumiuboo]

Hello all

 

Its 6am here in the UK and I've been awake all night trying to decide what to do. I hope that by posting my story someone out there will relate to what I am going through and perhaps offer some advice or share his or her experience with me. I shall try to keep it brief but it is a story of epic proportions and has spanned the last 12 years. Please forgive my "Englishisms"!

 

My affair started back in 2002 when we were both in our mid thirties. He was a co-worker and we were both unhappy in our marriages for different reasons. I will spare you all the usual clichés but it was instant and after 3 months we fell in love. We were both honest from the start with each other. He had two children at the time and told me he would not leave because he couldn’t bear not to see them every day. His exact words were "I do not want another man tucking my children into bed every night". You guys out there will relate to this. I understood.

 

I had been trying for children for 7 years with my husband before I met the OM. I say "I" because my husband kept changing his mind about whether he wanted them or not. It had caused some of the biggest problems in our marriage. We had been told it was very unlikely we would ever conceive naturally so we had started IVF. During this time the OM and I continued to see each other whenever we could both in and out of work and two years into the affair his wife fell pregnant with their third child. We had made no secret of the fact that we still slept with our partners but he had always said it was once every few months if that. I had no reason not to believe him but this absolutely devastated me. He didn’t want any more children and told me this was unplanned. I know I should have walked away at this point but I was so unhappy in my marriage and couldn’t bear life without the OM. We constantly talked about the day when his children were older and we could be together. We were soul mates and best friends.

 

5 months after the birth of his child a miracle happened and I fell pregnant naturally. I know this sounds absolutely terrible and unforgivable but I did not know who the father was as I had genuinely given up all hope of ever getting pregnant. OM was considerably happier for me than my husband was and showered me with baby books and clothes and toys. (I think my husband had hoped I would not get pregnant, as he had all but decided he didn’t want children). OM on the other hand was so happy for me because he knew how much I had wanted this child. Despite how I felt about the OM, I knew it would be devastating for the both of us if this child were his. He had said he would support me no matter what but with three of his own I knew it wasn’t possible. Hard would be an understatement.

 

In the third month of my pregnancy I left my job as it involved a lot of traveling and was incredibly stressful. We were comfortably off enough for me not to have to work. The OM was devastated when I left but understood the reasons why and gave me a mobile so we could keep in touch. He often wanted to drive to see me during the day and stay over when my husband was away on business. (we live some distance apart).

 

I decided I needed to be sensible for once in my life and asked the OM not to call me, text me, or drive to see me. I had often wondered in the past how he was able to text me as much as he did at night without his wife becoming suspicious or how he could escape during the day and early evening, particularly since the journey was a two hour round trip. He really didn’t seem to worry about being careful and whenever I asked him his response was "so what? I love you and I cannot live without you in my life, in whatever capacity ".

 

He continued to text me at all hours of the day night, even though I had asked him not to and my husband was starting to become suspicious. On one occasion he found the mobile the OM had given me and since it wasn’t my usual Nokia questioned me about it. Again I asked the OM not to contact me and, not trusting him to do this I switched the mobile he had given me off and hid it in the boot of my car.

 

One evening my husband found the mobile and switched it on, discovering all of the texts from the OM. I know I should have thrown it away but I had prepared an explanation for my husband. I knew he didn’t really believe me. He demanded to know who the OM was and of course wanted to meet with him. At this point I could have told my husband everything, he begged me to tell him but I protected the OM for the sake of his wife and children. Why have two marriages potentially devastated? I threw the mobile away and told the OM what had happened. He had the number of my Nokia but I was so furious, I told him I would expose him and us if he tried to contact me on that phone. I still loved him desperately but I knew I had to try and make things work with my husband.

 

6 months after the birth of my daughter, my husband left me, having started his own affair. What a mess! I can remember what should have been the most beautiful night of my life was the most lonely I had ever experienced. My husband stayed for the birth then left our daughter and me alone, only returning the following evening to take us home. He tried to get past my affair but we had been so unhappy for years and this was the final straw for him. I knew he had wanted a DNA test as soon as she was born, so did I although I was terrified of the results.

 

The OM drove to see me often in the first year after my husband left and insisted on helping me, both emotionally and financially and we did take the DNA test. I am not sure to this day if my husband did one of his own but I am very happy to say my daughter is his and not the OMs. Although he had said he would always be there for me if she were his, I did seriously doubt this.

 

We continued our affair for a further three years until I decided it was time to move on. I told the OM we could no longer see each other, particularly since my situation had changed and he was still with his wife. I needed to make a fresh start anyway as the divorce was becoming final. I moved to the next village, bought a new house, started a new job and made new friends. The OM still continued to text and call. He wanted to see me but I just ignored every attempt he made.

Four years passed and one day early last March he turned up at my house. I wont deny I wasn't happy to see him; I had never stopped loving him. He was and still is my best friend and soul mate. He was still very unhappy in his marriage; he told me things had deteriorated to the point where his only focus was his children and he and his wife had lost all intimacy and communication. He said not a day had gone by when he hadn’t thought of me. He told me he'd often sat alone and cried listening to what he called "our music". I do believe him on this because he had often made attempts to contact me and see me over the years. I often wondered why he kept trying when I refused to see him.

 

Again, I should have closed the door and walked away but time and distance had still not changed the way we felt about each other. I think you all know where I am going with this - we started our affair again but this time with more intensity and fell in love deeper than we had years previously. He is always trying to prove that we are not about just sex and will often drive the two hour round trip just to stay for an hour and chat. We see each other every two-three weeks; again he always makes the journey. We chat through something called "Viber" and I would say on average send 300 messages per day so yes, it is pretty intense. I still ask him how on earth he can get away with spending all day and night glued to his phone when he is at home? He takes what I would call some very risky risks but seems not to care. I often ask him if he thinks she knows and his response is always "no idea". The theory of the six degrees of separation has been proven to be so true with us - my friends are remotely linked to his and I am pretty sure our old co-workers know. I however, seem to be the only one who worries about this.

 

This time I did set some ground rules: I told him I would not wait for him and I would continue to live my life as I had done before without him. If I was still single when his children were old enough for him to leave then we could be together. I have had lots of offers but had not really dated since my husband left and had instead focused on my daughter and my new job.

 

It has been 17 months now and it has been so hard for me this time around. I sleep alone. He climbs into an albeit sexless marital bed when his wife is asleep and gets up while she is still asleep but he is still sharing his life and a bed with her. Even though he tells me he is only there because of the kids, it has killed me to be here alone when I know he is off doing family stuff, holidays etc. He sits in another room from her at night and chats to me on Viber but it's still their home he's in.

 

Crunch time came on Saturday. I have over the last 6 months tried to decide if all the pain is really worth it. I think often about the devastation our affair caused me and how I protected him. Sometimes I find myself in an irrational and angry place - that he got away with it and I continue to be amazed at the risks he takes. So, I asked him, given that he says I am his soul mate, best friend and the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, at what point did he feel he could leave his wife. I was shocked by his response of "who knows, maybe when my last child has left home, maybe sooner or maybe never!" I asked him if his marriage is as **** as he has always said it was then how could he even think about staying when his children are older. His response was "I cannot think about the future, just the here and now because who knows what's going to happen".

 

After everything we've been through to hear that he actually may never even leave was a shocker and devastating. My question had been hypothetical but his answer was very clear. We had a big falling out and he has now said that he cannot bear to see me in so much pain and hates that he cant be with me unconditionally or make me happy. He said he hates that we cant be together right now and that we should both probably walk away for good this time.

 

Yes I know he is right and yes I know I/we should but I am plagued with the same thoughts that have kept me awake for the last two nights: our affair destroyed my marriage and my life changed beyond all recognition. It has taken me years to build a new life for myself, I now have an extremely good, solid relationship with my ex-husband and our daughter is happy and thriving. The OM has continued to lead a double life, taking incredible risks and conduct an affair for the best part of 12 years and remain undiscovered and unchallenged. He has said some pretty terrible, damming things about his wife and the life they have together over the years, christening just about all aspects of her. Is it right that she should continue to live in ignorance of what has been going on? Is it right that she has no idea that her husband could have fathered a child with another woman and has spent the last 12 years telling another woman he is in love with her and sharing his hopes and dreams her? Is it right that he has spent every opportunity he can away from his wife and with another woman? Is it right that she is unaware that he was texting another woman and trying to make plans to get away to see her while his wife was in labour with their third child? The list is endless and I am not saying I should or indeed would expose him but I know him and I know he would try to continue the affair for another 12 years if I allowed him to and didn’t walk away. Does she not deserve to know who her husband really is and the depth of his betrayal? Does she not deserve to be happy with someone else?

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it right that she should continue to live in ignorance of what has been going on? Is it right that she has no idea that her husband could have fathered a child with another woman and has spent the last 12 years telling another woman he is in love with her and sharing his hopes and dreams her? Is it right that he has spent every opportunity he can away from his wife and with another woman? Is it right that she is unaware that he was texting another woman and trying to make plans to get away to see her while his wife was in labour with their third child? The list is endless and I am not saying I should or indeed would expose him but I know him and I know he would try to continue the affair for another 12 years if I allowed him to and didn’t walk away. Does she not deserve to know who her husband really is and the depth of his betrayal? Does she not deserve to be happy with someone else?

 

You're the least entitled person to ask this question and the least qualified person to answer it. Were you really honest about your reasons for wanting to expose him, the answer would be as a ugly as the 12 years of lies and deception that preceded it.

 

You've wasted more than 10 years on this. You have a child and could have a life if you'd choose to do so. Don't you want more than a continued focus on the affair?

 

Mr. Lucky

[dental]

Ouch. 10 years of waiting. This is depressing.

[Susmay]

...Is it right that she should continue to live in ignorance of what has been going on? Is it right that she has no idea that her husband could have fathered a child with another woman and has spent the last 12 years telling another woman he is in love with her and sharing his hopes and dreams her? Is it right that he has spent every opportunity he can away from his wife and with another woman? Is it right that she is unaware that he was texting another woman and trying to make plans to get away to see her while his wife was in labour with their third child? The list is endless and I am not saying I should or indeed would expose him but I know him and I know he would try to continue the affair for another 12 years if I allowed him to and didn’t walk away. Does she not deserve to know who her husband really is and the depth of his betrayal? Does she not deserve to be happy with someone else?

 

 

Well of course all those things you listed are not right and of course she deserves all the later things you listed.

 

 

If you're not planning on enlightening her or giving her what she deserves then your questions don't serve much purpose, although I answered them anyway.

 

 

What are you actually going to do? As a BW I would have appreciated knowing, no matter who told me (even the OW) and whatever their motives (good or bad).

Edited July 20, 2015 by Susmay

[TaraMaiden2]

OP, basically you are the one in the lose-lose camp.

 

If you DON'T tell her, he carries on having his cake and eating it.

If you DO tell her, you risk alienating him and destroying his relationship with his children, for which he will grow to resent you, and even hate you.

 

Your ONLY option - is to cease entertaining him, seeing him and build a better future for yourself.

 

You have grown dependent on his attention.

You believe this is the best you'll ever get, but it's clearly not good enough.

 

Don't 'settle'.

 

That's what you're doing.

Picking up the crumbs and being his 'second best'.

 

No matter what tales he regales you with, regarding his home life, the fact is, and the fact remains, he has openly told you his first choice is to be there - not with you.

 

So now you know.

You know PRECISELY where you stand.

And it's 5th in line.

 

Way back down the field, unseen, unrecognised, unappreciated and undisclosed.

 

You need to drop those pink-framed spec's and see what's really happening here.

 

He has every single home comfort he could want.

 

Whether he gets all his sex, or additional sex, from you, is immaterial (you only have HIS word for this, after all....)

 

The fact of the matter is, you don't figure.

 

CHOOSE.

 

XX From your side of the Pond.

[Poppy47]

I think your affair bubble has burst.

 

Now that you can see past the A and recognise some realities it might be a good time to let go of him. He sounds like a stereo typical cake eater.

 

Poppy.

[miumiuboo]

Mr Lucky you are absolutely right in everything you say. This is the first time I have put "pen to paper" and really written everything down. Reading it back, it does make me sound like a pathetic loser, one who's been hanging on to something which is just crumbs of someone else's life.

 

I wouldn't say I want to expose him, nor would I. I guess its the anger and frustration that he has got away with it for all those years and if, no when, I walk away he gets to slope off home and lick his wounds in the comfort of his family.

 

Yes I do deserve more, you are right

[Poppy47]

And p.s.... he has shown you time and time again that he isn't going to leave, kids or no kids.

 

He has become very comfy indeed with the luxury of having two women at his beck and call.

 

YOu will never know, unless you ask his wife, whether their marriage is sexless.

 

YOu have a child to consider now. YOu need to be happy , healthy and lead a normal life to give your child the very best start in life.

 

Get out of the dysfunctional relationship and get the rose coloured specs off! The MM has been feeding you romantic NONSENSE for 12 years.

 

Telling his wife will not serve any purpose. He will come to hate you for the problems it will cause. His wife probably has NO idea what he has been doing and it will shatter her and 3 children.... for what?

 

I know because I was in an A on and off for 7 years. MM spent his wedding anniversaries with me,as well as other significant occasions. He always showered me with attention and claimed he would love to be with me in a real life. It means NOTHING. It's their method of keeping the AP "happy".

 

Poppy.

[miumiuboo]

Hi Tara,

 

You are absolutely right in everything you say.I guess Ive never really "put pen to paper" before now and reading back through my post I do sound pathetic. Of course he's never going to leave, of course I have my doubts about everything he tells me about his life at home.

 

I composed a letter to his wife 4 months ago, written in the 3rd person (he knows the people/ex-co workers that know about us) but when it really comes down to it I know I could never actually send it. If she ever does find out (and he's got away with it for 12 years so I sincerely doubt she will), it won't be my doing. Ive often wondered if she has her suspicions OR if their home life is really as bad as he says it is and they are actually far happier and united. I will never know. I guess the last part of my post was pure anger and frustration talking. When I walk away (which I know now I have to), he gets to slope off back to his family and take comfort in the knowledge that he has got away with it.

 

You are right when you say I have become too dependant on his attention. I have been alone for the last 10 years, perhaps Ive never really made myself available because of all of this in the background. I know Ive not made much effort to get out there and my friends have all but given up on me. Only my closest friend and neighbour has an idea of whats been going on and she keeps telling me to walk away and move on! "you're gorgeous, funny and stronger than you think" she tells me often.

 

The OM has become an emotional crutch to the extent that he occupies my every thought and its him I turn to for everything. I am literally terrified of the though of life without him. Even when we were apart for 4 years, I knew he was there in the background if I needed him. Yes I know I deserve better, yes I know I have to be strong - this is doing me absolutely no good whatsoever.

 

I am scared of what lies ahead.

[miumiuboo]

Thanks Poppy, as Tara is, you are right. The time has come to see things for what they really are. Its not a life-changing relationship for him and I am allowing him to plug what ever gaps he has in life.

 

He is a cake eater and I am a crumb taker!!!

[TaraMaiden2]

...

I am scared of what lies ahead.

 

Oh come on.

Get a grip.

 

You survived:

 

A preliminary closed affair;

A pregnancy;

A difficult period with your ex-

An hiatus in your affair;

A divorce;

A move to a new location;

A new job;

Bringing up your daughter (largely) on your own;

Making a new life for yourself.

 

What the hell have you to be scared OF?

 

The "unknown"...?

Oh please....!

Stuff that - we ALL have one of those....

 

If we all let 'what lies ahead' stop us in our tracks, Cameron wouldn't be Prime Minister, Harry wouldn't have left the army, and I wouldn't have left my ex-....

[Sassy Girl]

Mr Lucky you are absolutely right in everything you say. This is the first time I have put "pen to paper" and really written everything down. Reading it back, it does make me sound like a pathetic loser, one who's been hanging on to something which is just crumbs of someone else's life.

 

I wouldn't say I want to expose him, nor would I. I guess its the anger and frustration that he has got away with it for all those years and if, no when, I walk away he gets to slope off home and lick his wounds in the comfort of his family.

 

Yes I do deserve more, you are right

 

this is good insight.

 

Good luck with building your own new life.

[Hope Shimmers]

So to summarize all of this (and mainly your last paragraph)... now you are wanting to tell his wife.

 

So why now? You were in a very long-term affair. Now, all of a sudden, this matters to you?

[NewLeaf512]

Hello all

 

Its 6am here in the UK and I've been awake all night trying to decide what to do. I hope that by posting my story someone out there will relate to what I am going through and perhaps offer some advice or share his or her experience with me. I shall try to keep it brief but it is a story of epic proportions and has spanned the last 12 years. Please forgive my "Englishisms"!

 

My affair started back in 2002 when we were both in our mid thirties. He was a co-worker and we were both unhappy in our marriages for different reasons. I will spare you all the usual clichés but it was instant and after 3 months we fell in love. We were both honest from the start with each other. He had two children at the time and told me he would not leave because he couldn’t bear not to see them every day. His exact words were "I do not want another man tucking my children into bed every night". You guys out there will relate to this. I understood.

 

I had been trying for children for 7 years with my husband before I met the OM. I say "I" because my husband kept changing his mind about whether he wanted them or not. It had caused some of the biggest problems in our marriage. We had been told it was very unlikely we would ever conceive naturally so we had started IVF. During this time the OM and I continued to see each other whenever we could both in and out of work and two years into the affair his wife fell pregnant with their third child. We had made no secret of the fact that we still slept with our partners but he had always said it was once every few months if that. I had no reason not to believe him but this absolutely devastated me. He didn’t want any more children and told me this was unplanned. I know I should have walked away at this point but I was so unhappy in my marriage and couldn’t bear life without the OM. We constantly talked about the day when his children were older and we could be together. We were soul mates and best friends.

 

5 months after the birth of his child a miracle happened and I fell pregnant naturally. I know this sounds absolutely terrible and unforgivable but I did not know who the father was as I had genuinely given up all hope of ever getting pregnant. OM was considerably happier for me than my husband was and showered me with baby books and clothes and toys. (I think my husband had hoped I would not get pregnant, as he had all but decided he didn’t want children). OM on the other hand was so happy for me because he knew how much I had wanted this child. Despite how I felt about the OM, I knew it would be devastating for the both of us if this child were his. He had said he would support me no matter what but with three of his own I knew it wasn’t possible. Hard would be an understatement.

 

In the third month of my pregnancy I left my job as it involved a lot of traveling and was incredibly stressful. We were comfortably off enough for me not to have to work. The OM was devastated when I left but understood the reasons why and gave me a mobile so we could keep in touch. He often wanted to drive to see me during the day and stay over when my husband was away on business. (we live some distance apart).

 

I decided I needed to be sensible for once in my life and asked the OM not to call me, text me, or drive to see me. I had often wondered in the past how he was able to text me as much as he did at night without his wife becoming suspicious or how he could escape during the day and early evening, particularly since the journey was a two hour round trip. He really didn’t seem to worry about being careful and whenever I asked him his response was "so what? I love you and I cannot live without you in my life, in whatever capacity ".

 

He continued to text me at all hours of the day night, even though I had asked him not to and my husband was starting to become suspicious. On one occasion he found the mobile the OM had given me and since it wasn’t my usual Nokia questioned me about it. Again I asked the OM not to contact me and, not trusting him to do this I switched the mobile he had given me off and hid it in the boot of my car.

 

One evening my husband found the mobile and switched it on, discovering all of the texts from the OM. I know I should have thrown it away but I had prepared an explanation for my husband. I knew he didn’t really believe me. He demanded to know who the OM was and of course wanted to meet with him. At this point I could have told my husband everything, he begged me to tell him but I protected the OM for the sake of his wife and children. Why have two marriages potentially devastated? I threw the mobile away and told the OM what had happened. He had the number of my Nokia but I was so furious, I told him I would expose him and us if he tried to contact me on that phone. I still loved him desperately but I knew I had to try and make things work with my husband.

 

6 months after the birth of my daughter, my husband left me, having started his own affair. What a mess! I can remember what should have been the most beautiful night of my life was the most lonely I had ever experienced. My husband stayed for the birth then left our daughter and me alone, only returning the following evening to take us home. He tried to get past my affair but we had been so unhappy for years and this was the final straw for him. I knew he had wanted a DNA test as soon as she was born, so did I although I was terrified of the results.

 

The OM drove to see me often in the first year after my husband left and insisted on helping me, both emotionally and financially and we did take the DNA test. I am not sure to this day if my husband did one of his own but I am very happy to say my daughter is his and not the OMs. Although he had said he would always be there for me if she were his, I did seriously doubt this.

 

We continued our affair for a further three years until I decided it was time to move on. I told the OM we could no longer see each other, particularly since my situation had changed and he was still with his wife. I needed to make a fresh start anyway as the divorce was becoming final. I moved to the next village, bought a new house, started a new job and made new friends. The OM still continued to text and call. He wanted to see me but I just ignored every attempt he made.

Four years passed and one day early last March he turned up at my house. I wont deny I wasn't happy to see him; I had never stopped loving him. He was and still is my best friend and soul mate. He was still very unhappy in his marriage; he told me things had deteriorated to the point where his only focus was his children and he and his wife had lost all intimacy and communication. He said not a day had gone by when he hadn’t thought of me. He told me he'd often sat alone and cried listening to what he called "our music". I do believe him on this because he had often made attempts to contact me and see me over the years. I often wondered why he kept trying when I refused to see him.

 

Again, I should have closed the door and walked away but time and distance had still not changed the way we felt about each other. I think you all know where I am going with this - we started our affair again but this time with more intensity and fell in love deeper than we had years previously. He is always trying to prove that we are not about just sex and will often drive the two hour round trip just to stay for an hour and chat. We see each other every two-three weeks; again he always makes the journey. We chat through something called "Viber" and I would say on average send 300 messages per day so yes, it is pretty intense. I still ask him how on earth he can get away with spending all day and night glued to his phone when he is at home? He takes what I would call some very risky risks but seems not to care. I often ask him if he thinks she knows and his response is always "no idea". The theory of the six degrees of separation has been proven to be so true with us - my friends are remotely linked to his and I am pretty sure our old co-workers know. I however, seem to be the only one who worries about this.

 

This time I did set some ground rules: I told him I would not wait for him and I would continue to live my life as I had done before without him. If I was still single when his children were old enough for him to leave then we could be together. I have had lots of offers but had not really dated since my husband left and had instead focused on my daughter and my new job.

 

It has been 17 months now and it has been so hard for me this time around. I sleep alone. He climbs into an albeit sexless marital bed when his wife is asleep and gets up while she is still asleep but he is still sharing his life and a bed with her. Even though he tells me he is only there because of the kids, it has killed me to be here alone when I know he is off doing family stuff, holidays etc. He sits in another room from her at night and chats to me on Viber but it's still their home he's in.

 

Crunch time came on Saturday. I have over the last 6 months tried to decide if all the pain is really worth it. I think often about the devastation our affair caused me and how I protected him. Sometimes I find myself in an irrational and angry place - that he got away with it and I continue to be amazed at the risks he takes. So, I asked him, given that he says I am his soul mate, best friend and the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, at what point did he feel he could leave his wife. I was shocked by his response of "who knows, maybe when my last child has left home, maybe sooner or maybe never!" I asked him if his marriage is as **** as he has always said it was then how could he even think about staying when his children are older. His response was "I cannot think about the future, just the here and now because who knows what's going to happen".

 

After everything we've been through to hear that he actually may never even leave was a shocker and devastating. My question had been hypothetical but his answer was very clear. We had a big falling out and he has now said that he cannot bear to see me in so much pain and hates that he cant be with me unconditionally or make me happy. He said he hates that we cant be together right now and that we should both probably walk away for good this time.

 

Yes I know he is right and yes I know I/we should but I am plagued with the same thoughts that have kept me awake for the last two nights: our affair destroyed my marriage and my life changed beyond all recognition. It has taken me years to build a new life for myself, I now have an extremely good, solid relationship with my ex-husband and our daughter is happy and thriving. The OM has continued to lead a double life, taking incredible risks and conduct an affair for the best part of 12 years and remain undiscovered and unchallenged. He has said some pretty terrible, damming things about his wife and the life they have together over the years, christening just about all aspects of her. Is it right that she should continue to live in ignorance of what has been going on? Is it right that she has no idea that her husband could have fathered a child with another woman and has spent the last 12 years telling another woman he is in love with her and sharing his hopes and dreams her? Is it right that he has spent every opportunity he can away from his wife and with another woman? Is it right that she is unaware that he was texting another woman and trying to make plans to get away to see her while his wife was in labour with their third child? The list is endless and I am not saying I should or indeed would expose him but I know him and I know he would try to continue the affair for another 12 years if I allowed him to and didn’t walk away. Does she not deserve to know who her husband really is and the depth of his betrayal? Does she not deserve to be happy with someone else?

 

 

 

As someone recently out of a situation as the OW, I will let the BW here advise on their points. All I can do is say end it now and immediately go NC. There are children involved and a BW. Please end it today.

[miumiuboo]

Hope, no, as I said in my response to Tara I just felt I needed to get all my feelings out in the open which is something Ive not done before (even to myself) Having read through some of the posts on this site I was interested to hear from others who may have been through something similar.

 

When it really comes down to it I know I could never actually tell her. If she ever does find out (and he's got away with it for 12 years so I sincerely doubt she will), it won't be my doing. I guess the last part of my post was pure anger and frustration talking.

[minimariah]

i think his W knows and doesn't care -- it does happen... many BS out there who CHOOSE to look the other way for this or that reason. maybe he had convinced her that it was over & minimized the entire situation... who knows.

 

i highly doubt that she had never noticed absolutely anything.

 

and i honestly think he has someone new.

[miumiuboo]

Mini, I think she has her suspicions too. It would be impossible not to notice things - being glued to his phone for one thing. I too think she choses to look the other way.

[waterwoman]

She may not know at all. It's been going on for 12 years so the way he is (phone addiction and all) has become normal. I would guess if an affair is discovered it would be early on when the behaviour first changes.

 

As to whether she would care? Who can say? Perhaps she has got used to be treated like an unwanted optional extra in her marriage and doesn't know how to change it. Perhaps she simply goes through the motions because of the children (same as he say he does). Perhaps he was lying about the state of the marriage and in fact he treats her well so she has no reason to suspect. I find it a little insulting for the OW/OM to say 'Oh she must know' as it paints the BS as a sap, a doormat or simply uncaring.

[onemanband]

Sorry to hear you wasted 12 years on a lie, but you should of realized ,when you said we where honest with each other, when you have a affair over time and look back and realize things really werent as bad as u thought. I cant believe you where in the fog for 12 years Wow

How can u have feelings for someone that cost you so much .. Do u think you and your husband would still b together if you didnt go down that road? P.S his wife found out years

Ago the time she got pregnant

[italianjob]

One thing isn't clear to me in your story. If you were that unhappy in your marriage, had no children, were working so you didn't need to be supported, why didn't you just divorce?

Was it more fun to go behind your H's back?

[Dela]

12 years. wow. i m really sorry u re going thru this. if things did t change by now, i doubt they will. and i m sure u are a smart woman and u know this.

 

take care of your daughter and let this man go. don t waste another 12 years of your life. no one deserves that much time.

 

is your H isiting your daughter? does he know it s the father? maybe u should try and recconect with him at least for her. she deserves to have a father in her life, even if u are not together anymore

 

take care

hugs

[TaraMaiden2]

...

is your H isiting your daughter? does he know it s the father? maybe u should try and recconect with him at least for her. she deserves to have a father in her life, even if u are not together anymore

 

As far as that matter is concerned, I think everything is cool on that front...

 

....It has taken me years to build a new life for myself, I now have an extremely good, solid relationship with my ex-husband and our daughter is happy and thriving.

[whichwayisup]

Did you ever go get a paternity test to see who is the father? Your exH or MM?

 

Your MM is exaggerating the state of his marriage. If he truly was unhappy, he'd leave. People divorce all the time if they really want to. He doesn't, he has two women to meet all his needs. You say he never has sex with his wife, but he has 3 kids. He's lied and minimized his sex life with you, making it seem like it's nothing. Don't believe him.

 

Anyway, I hope you stay away and get strong so you can heal and move on with your life without him.

[TaraMaiden2]

Did you ever go get a paternity test to see who is the father? Your exH or MM?

 

Yes, she did...

 

...we did take the DNA test. I am not sure to this day if my husband did one of his own but I am very happy to say my daughter is his and not the OMs.

 

Your MM is exaggerating the state of his marriage. If he truly was unhappy, he'd leave. People divorce all the time if they really want to. He doesn't, he has two women to meet all his needs. You say he never has sex with his wife, but he has 3 kids. He's lied and minimized his sex life with you, making it seem like it's nothing. Don't believe him.

 

Anyway, I hope you stay away and get strong so you can heal and move on with your life without him.

 

I echo that....

[maaz3231]

Sounds like you want to expose due to your bitterness and selfishness. That being said, the OMs wife deserves to know. I believe you should expose and walk away forever.