Do most [affairs] go undetected?

[S_A]

My bro cheats all the time with many different wimen and never gets caught. His wife almost caugh him once though. Not a good ratio considering how many different women he has slept with.

 

Edit: I try to picture how I'd react if I found out I was cheated on. I feel convinced that I would not be angry at my SO. I feel like rather than thinking "how could she cheat on me", I'd be thinking "I'm a loser for making my woman want to be with someone else". I don't think I'd even want to look in the mirror. I think I'd definitely beat myself up over it pretty bad.

 

Edit2 : Ok, after re-reading the above, I make it sound like people who are cheated on are losers. That's not what I am saying. I'm saying I'd probably blame myself whether it was my fault or not. I tend to be hard on myself sometimes.

Edited July 20, 2015 by S_A

[minimariah]

I don't think I'd even want to look in the mirror. I think I'd definitely beat myself up over it pretty bad.

 

for me, it really depends on WHO i'm with & WHY did the person cheat.

 

if our relationship was bad for some time and if contributed to my partner feeling bad, neglected... to the point that his attention was elsewhere...? i'd feel bad. if i was stuck with a serial cheater who cheats on my for the sake of cheating...? i wouldn't feel about myself bad at all.

 

and no worries, i personally got your point. when i was cheated on, there was definitely a "little beating myself" up time. at the end of the day, i felt i failed to make my partner satisfied, happy + lost him so there was space created for someone else.

 

it all depends on the situation, i think.

[DKT3]

I think its very rare that an affair goes undetected. Many times the BS will choose not to deal with it either way, or deny to themselves that it was going on.

 

Truth is people simply aren't that good at hiding things from the person they sleep next to every night. Of course, if that person doesn't want to believe it, its easier.

 

I believe people "get away" with "cheating" a lot, it just rarely goes undetected by the spouse.

[minimariah]

I believe people "get away" with "cheating" a lot, it just rarely goes undetected by the spouse.

 

i agree.

 

i think that, most of the time, when an A goes undetected... it IS detected but the spouse is ignoring it or just not paying attention.

[Hope Shimmers]

If you believe the statistics, most affairs go undetected.

[carhill]

IMO, many infidelities go undetected. Affairs, less so, if only through logical deduction and reasoning. Perhaps that's semantics but I can be unfaithful in a flash of behavior and go on like nothing happened, where a consistent interaction contravening marital or relationship boundaries with one person over time is far more likely to not escape detection.

[katielee]

I caught two affairs. Maybe he wanted to be caught.

[TrustedthenBusted]

My guess is that most go undetected. And I'd further suspect that most of the ones that go undetected are one-nighters or very short term things.

[Giggle]

Looking back, he had a ONS. I was unaware not through any brilliance of his, but my belief is the dumb story he concocted.

 

He also had a 3 month long affair that was really easy to get away with because he was away at training. There were redflags but I believed the dumb story he concocted. Me finding out about it a month and a half in was merely because of pondering a few things he had said and instead of asking about it, I formed it as a statement of my already knowing and asked who she was. I fully expected him to say I was imagining things. I was thoroughly shocked when he admitted to it. He could have very easily had a story because I remember thinking he was too boring to do something like that. However silly me thought it was over. And went "oh ****" the next day because i felt the ovulation and knew I was pregnant. He merrily continued his affair. I thought it had been the one time and he regretted it. Nope.. He came back and said he was leaving. ?? So again, had he not confessed, I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

[Giggle]

Her husband doesn't suspect a single thing.

I find this utterly astonishing as she and her lover must exchange over 100 texts a day.

But her H is so wrapped up in himself and his work, that everything else is secondary to his own comings and goings...

 

he is utterly oblivious to both her and her fling....

 

100 texts a day wouldn't be that hard what with work and all. What boggled me was when my MM would manage more than that when his wife was home with him. And if you are on an app and not texting and creating a phone bill log, 700 texts daily is very easy to get away with.

[Dreamworld]

To add some more thoughts reading more comments:

 

In the case of ex husband, I think my instincts were able to tell me because like people posted, his affairs were ongoing, consistent interactions I was able to catch.

 

When I was an OW and his wife caught us by going through his texts: yup he slipped up and forgot to delete his texts, again, it was a consistent ongoing interaction.

 

I think in cases where affairs go undetected, the cheater keeps his relationships somewhat detached and limits interaction. Or does ons, short fling type things.

 

So I think it depends on the type of affair.

[fellini]

I would love to here that you agree because you are that person. Because otherwise I find your comment rather offensive. Essentially you are saying that the BS is ignoring signals ON PURPOSE, or worse, is indifferent.

 

I think this is the kind of claims that best be made using the personal pronoun I, otherwise it's best to just keep it real.

 

So, if you want to say "I ignored my spouses signals" or "I wasn't paying attention" I could understand why you agree. But saying "I agree" and then making a claim about the majority of BS's of which you seem to exclude youself as not one of them is for me a rather indignant thing to say, because you are essentially saying that this is what happens to people like me, (in fact, anyone but yourself) and I can tell you you are wrong.

 

Hindsight shows us that sometimes there were RED FLAGS, but you have to be on the other side of a DDAY to later recognise them.

 

LS is full of horrific stories of BS's who had NO IDEA WHATSOEVER that their spouse was cheating. Not because they HID it well, but becasue they did not HAVE TO HIDE something if the other person is predisposed to trust.

 

My WW did NOTHING to HIDE her affair. All her emails were in her inbox, all her text messages were there. They met within the regular routines of their work day, but because they are both university professors have enormous free times during the day to hook up. Additionally I have a life as well, and if she knew I was going to see the local football game, that would be 3 hours of undetected change in her routine. This was not "ignoring" her movements, it was me not being aware that I needed to not ignore her movements. It was me trusting her as I had done for over 15 affair free years. I think you underestimate how EASY it is for people to have affairs, not just commit infidelity in terms of time. The only true test is how they behave emotionally in your space when they are not with their secret lover. And my WW had zero problems living a double life, being happy at home with her husband and child, and during the day, looking forward to and seeking out her AP.

 

i agree.

 

i think that, most of the time, when an A goes undetected... it IS detected but the spouse is ignoring it or just not paying attention.

Edited July 21, 2015 by fellini

[No Limit]

I live in a small town and there are indeed a couple of people who are known to cheat - and their spouses know, but tolerate it. I do think there are many who willingly stay in such relationships because they simply don't want to loose what they have; it also shows how much interest there is from the BS's side to have an actual relationship with WS - none at all. Even read a case once where the BS was asking how to get an OW to stay because her husband was getting annoying at home, a BS who didn't mind if OW wasted even more time of her life than the 6 years already spent.

[autumnnight]

I'm not sure this question can be answered absolutely. I mean, honestly, as long as any evidence of or reference to the A is "out there," it is possible for it to be detected, even years later.

 

That is why I think the wisest thing for someone who knows that the hitting of the fan with poop is inevitable to do is sit down with spouse/ex, kids, etc. and just lay it out and tell them.

[minimariah]

...because otherwise I find your comment rather offensive.

 

that's your problem because there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING offensive about my comment. not a damn thing -- i was voicing my own opinion based on my own experiences with couples & As. and in my experience - when an A goes undetected... it is because the spouse doesn't pay attention or simply doesn't care. (please continue reading, i promise you i'll get to the point soon).

 

Essentially you are saying that the BS is ignoring signals ON PURPOSE, or worse, is indifferent.

 

indeed, there are BSs out there (more than you think) who are ignoring signals on purpose & are indifferent.

 

I think this is the kind of claims that best be made using the personal pronoun I, otherwise it's best to just keep it real.

 

there is no keeping it real when it comes to infidelity because CLEARLY, my personal experience & experience with infidelity in general is a lot different than yours... for example.

 

But saying "I agree" and then making a claim about the majority of BS's of which you seem to exclude youself as not one of them...

 

this is where you are wrong -- i never made claims about the majority of BSs. i made claims about the majority of UNDETECTED As and about what goes in situation like those. i wasn't one of them because the A of my xH didn't go undetected... as simple as that.

 

...because you are essentially saying that this is what happens to people like me...

 

is that why you're overreacting...? because you think you recognized yourself in the comment? again... i was talking about UNDETECTED As. so the BS never finds out.

 

I think you underestimate how EASY it is for people to have affairs, not just commit infidelity in terms of time.

 

did i mention that i was talking about undetected As....? one more thing -- red flags that i talked about were changes in one's behavior and reading your previous posts -- YOU NOTICED your spouse's behavior changing so i have absolutely 0 idea what drove you to react this way to my post. let me repeat - i was talking about UNDETECTED As. so in my personal opinion and experiences -- when the A goes undetected and the spouse never finds out (and allow me to be so arrogant to assume that i have far more experience with the couples going through infidelity than you) -- it is because IN MOST CASES, the BS decides to look the other way or is indifferent.

 

so let me make one final conclusion -- i wasn't talking about MOST AFFAIRS. i was talking about... most of the UNDETECTED affairs.

 

and no, i wasn't talking about you OR me -- because both you & me DETECTED the A.

 

i'm sorry that you got offended because i value your input and opinions greatly and it was not my intention to offend or generalize. i think i simply didn't make myself clear enough or explained myself enough, excuse my poor English... i'm working on improving it. sometimes, my thoughts don't go out the way i want them to.

Edited July 21, 2015 by minimariah

[fellini]

No. You can dice my post as you wish, but the point is your post, not mine.

 

You clearly claimed that MOST undetected affairs are in fact detected, but the BS is too frigging lazy or just doesn't care to look.

 

My WWs affair was an undetected affair, so I, and many other BS'S here have every reason to be offended by your unsubstantiated remarks. Your remarks were offensive whether you intended for them to be or not.

 

And you repeated the point in your rebuttal : "the spouse doesn't pay attention".

 

And I insist you are making an assumption about the spouse. The spouse has no reason to suspect so it is not that the spouse doesn't pay attention it is that the WS knows that the spouse is trusting and takes full advantage of the marriage.

 

that's your problem because there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING offensive about my comment. not a damn thing -- i was voicing my own opinion based on my own experiences with couples & As. and in my experience - when an A goes undetected... it is because the spouse doesn't pay attention or simply doesn't care. (please continue reading, i promise you i'll get to the point soon).

 

 

 

indeed, there are BSs out there (more than you think) who are ignoring signals on purpose & are indifferent.

 

 

 

there is no keeping it real when it comes to infidelity because CLEARLY, my personal experience & experience with infidelity in general is a lot different than yours... for example.

 

 

 

this is where you are wrong -- i never made claims about the majority of BSs. i made claims about the majority of UNDETECTED As and about what goes in situation like those. i wasn't one of them because the A of my xH didn't go undetected... as simple as that.

 

 

 

is that why you're overreacting...? because you think you recognized yourself in the comment? again... i was talking about UNDETECTED As. so the BS never finds out.

 

 

 

did i mention that i was talking about undetected As....? one more thing -- red flags that i talked about were changes in one's behavior and reading your previous posts -- YOU NOTICED your spouse's behavior changing so i have absolutely 0 idea what drove you to react this way to my post. let me repeat - i was talking about UNDETECTED As. so in my personal opinion and experiences -- when the A goes undetected and the spouse never finds out (and allow me to be so arrogant to assume that i have far more experience with the couples going through infidelity than you) -- it is because IN MOST CASES, the BS decides to look the other way or is indifferent.

 

so let me make one final conclusion -- i wasn't talking about MOST AFFAIRS. i was talking about... most of the UNDETECTED affairs.

 

and no, i wasn't talking about you OR me -- because both you & me DETECTED the A.

 

i'm sorry that you got offended because i value your input and opinions greatly and it was not my intention to offend or generalize. i think i simply didn't make myself clear enough or explained myself enough, excuse my poor English... i'm working on improving it. sometimes, my thoughts don't go out the way i want them to.

[minimariah]

You clearly claimed that MOST undetected affairs are in fact detected, but the BS is too frigging lazy or just doesn't care to look.

 

i did & i stand behind that opinion. however -- i was talking about UNDETECTED As... meaning, the A is never exposed. i am also talking about undetected long term affairs -- not ONS or short flings.

 

it's not about trust either -- it is about one spouse becoming too comfortable & taking their partner for granted. so they stop "listening" & "feeling" their spouse and a whole bunch of red flags go unnoticed.

 

My WWs affair was an undetected affair...

 

no, it wasn't. you found out about it... didn't you? you suspected and confronted her -- i was talking about situations when there is NO confrontation. the A comes and goes and is never detected & by detected -- i mean never EXPOSED, no confrontation.

 

an A that is discovered after... let's say, 8 years, was undetected during those years up until the D-Day. HOWEVER -- i was not talking about those As. in those As the spouse usually suspects and NOTICES but never connects the dots because the cheating is just not something they believe their partner would do.

 

so no -- your spouse's affair was absolutely not undetected. if it was, you wouldn't even be here.

 

And you repeated the point in your rebuttal : "the spouse doesn't pay attention".

 

many betrayed spouses INDEED do not pay attention. why is that so unacceptable to you...?

 

And I insist you are making an assumption about the spouse.

 

no, i am writing my opinion & basing it on years of experience. i never once presented my OPINIONS as FACTS.

 

since i clearly struck a nerve, i'll just agree to disagree with you and leave it at that. you're free to think whatever you want, so am i.

[fellini]

In your own words, you mean EXPOSED not "undetected". When the original poster talked about "undetected" he refers almost entirely to the question of the BS not being aware WHILE THE AFFAIR IS GOING ON. This is the proper use of the word "detected". But it doesn't matter, the point is not "detected" or "exposed" it is the assertion that BS's are turning a blind eye to what their WS is doing (having an affair) You said yourself "when As go undetected IT IS DETECTED!!! You are saying WE BS's don't pay attention or simply don't care about the evidence our WS's are cheating! How can you repeatedly come in here and say you are not actually saying this!!!

 

Read again the comment by DK that you support:

"I think its very rare that an affair goes undetected. Many times the BS will choose not to deal with it either way, or deny to themselves that it was going on.

 

Truth is people simply aren't that good at hiding things from the person they sleep next to every night. Of course, if that person doesn't want to believe it, its easier.

 

I believe people "get away" with "cheating" a lot, it just rarely goes undetected by the spouse."

 

 

This is what you agreed to essentially confirming that perspective:

 

"i think that, most of the time, when an A goes undetected... it IS detected but the spouse is ignoring it or just not paying attention."

 

So I will put it to you as simply as I can: Those two posts are offensive to any BS whose WS had an ongoing, ONS, LTR, or full blown A that WENT UNDETECTED whether or NOT it eventually became EXPOSED.

 

It's my opinion that it's an offensive comment because it STRONGLY SUGGESTS that the BS is responsible for ignoring his WS's behavior, and I put it to you that both you and DKT miss the point:

 

A large number of affairs happen precisely because it is normal for a spouse NOT to ever suspect the other of wanting to step out of the marriage.

 

 

 

i did & i stand behind that opinion. however -- i was talking about UNDETECTED As... meaning, the A is never exposed. i am also talking about undetected long term affairs -- not ONS or short flings.

 

it's not about trust either -- it is about one spouse becoming too comfortable & taking their partner for granted. so they stop "listening" & "feeling" their spouse and a whole bunch of red flags go unnoticed.

 

 

 

no, it wasn't. you found out about it... didn't you? you suspected and confronted her -- i was talking about situations when there is NO confrontation. the A comes and goes and is never detected & by detected -- i mean never EXPOSED, no confrontation.

 

an A that is discovered after... let's say, 8 years, was undetected during those years up until the D-Day. HOWEVER -- i was not talking about those As. in those As the spouse usually suspects and NOTICES but never connects the dots because the cheating is just not something they believe their partner would do.

 

so no -- your spouse's affair was absolutely not undetected. if it was, you wouldn't even be here.

 

 

 

many betrayed spouses INDEED do not pay attention. why is that so unacceptable to you...?

 

 

 

no, i am writing my opinion & basing it on years of experience. i never once presented my OPINIONS as FACTS.

 

since i clearly struck a nerve, i'll just agree to disagree with you and leave it at that. you're free to think whatever you want, so am i.

Edited July 22, 2015 by fellini

[SammySammy]

Mine is undetected so for. And finished, which reduces the risk of being discovered. I think many are like that.

 

Same here. Undetected and finished. BS doesn't know I exist.

 

My affair would have been difficult for anyone to detect though. AP is an ex-girlfriend. We live in different states. Only hooked up when our natural business travels brought us to the same city or nearby cities. Our routine was, and still is, a normal part of our lives before and after the affair. So, there was nothing unusual or different to detect. Other than two ships passing in the night ... and having crazy sex when the opportunity arose ... for years.

 

But, that's over and done with.

 

Some people shouldn't be so sure something will always let them know when their spouse is having sex with someone else. That may not be the case.

[minimariah]

Same here. Undetected and finished. BS doesn't know I exist.

 

how long did your affair last & can you maybe describe your dynamic - as in, how often did you get together & where, was there any interaction (texting, for example) outside of those meetings...? thank you for sharing your experience.

 

In your own words, you mean EXPOSED not "undetected".

 

this is what i meant, in my own words --

 

however -- i was talking about UNDETECTED As... meaning, the A is never exposed. i am also talking about undetected long term affairs -- not ONS or short flings.

 

When the original poster talked about "undetected" he refers almost entirely to the question of the BS not being aware WHILE THE AFFAIR IS GOING ON.

 

if the original poster is DKT3 -- he is entirely refering to the affairs which are never acknowledged... meaning exposed -

 

I think its very rare that an affair goes undetected. Many times the BS will choose not to deal with it either way, or deny to themselves that it was going on.

 

I am the original poster of this entire thread & both me and DKT3... by the word DETECTED... mean dealt with, acknowledged, confronted and exposed. that much is obvious from our posts -- so no, we weren't talking about those As who are eventually discovered by the betrayed spouse after months or years of being undetected.

 

But it doesn't matter, the point is not "detected" or "exposed" it is the assertion that BS's are turning a blind eye to what their WS is doing...

 

many BSs are turning a blind eye to what their WS is doing. that's a fact, not the assertion. a fact that, for some reason, you have trouble accepting.

 

You are saying WE BS's don't pay attention or simply don't care about the evidence our WS's are cheating! How can you repeatedly come in here and say you are not actually saying this!!!

 

how can you repeatedly ignore my explanations and dance around the fact that MANY BSs DO NOT pay attention and DO NOT care about what their spouse is doing...? how can you repeatedly ignore those parts of my posts where i say that this is my opinion, the one i stand behind...? how can you repeatedly insist that i was generalizing about all the BSs when that's simply not true & when i had explained in details just exactly what i meant by that comment...? and stop putting all of the BSs in the same damn basket.

 

Those two posts are offensive...

 

i don't give a sh*t how "simply" you put it -- nothing i said was offensive. the fact that YOU took offense to my comment is YOUR problem, not mine.

 

It's my opinion that it's an offensive comment because it STRONGLY SUGGESTS that the BS is responsible for ignoring his WS's behavior...

 

many BSs ARE responsible for ignoring the WS's behavior -- that's not offensive, that's a fact.

 

A large number of affairs happen precisely because it is normal for a spouse NOT to ever suspect the other of wanting to step out of the marriage.

 

no, actually -- i already addressed the "too trusting" argument.

 

not interested in going back and forth with you -- you expressed your opinion, thank you for your input & i'll bow out from this discussion with you.

 

but you are welcomed to keep commenting & discussing, maybe someone else will chime in.

Edited July 22, 2015 by minimariah

[Friskyone4u]

I think a lot of the answer to this question depends on exactly what you consider an affair. If you include ONS's in the total, a much larger percentage of affairs go undetected. Just about anyone can get away with a ONS, and I am sure those that can do this and walk away get away with it, especially if they are doing it when nowhere near their spouse geographically.

 

Of course, we all know what happens to a lot of these supposed ONS. Next comes the texting and all the communication on social media, and although that makes it easier to cheat, if you read how most are caught it is from mistakes on social media not from their spouse walking in on them.

 

And there are tons of affairs that are caught and the spouse is to weak to deal with it and just hopes it will stop on its own.

[fellini]

When you finish moving from most to many (which you have now done) to some, or to "the handful in my experience" I will probably agree with you. DKT3 used the word "rarely".

 

You have both said that this is in fact what MOST BS's do. And I simply do not see any evidence that a majority of BS's have any reason to bear any fault in turning a blind eye to their spouses infidelities -either in personal experience - nor based on two years reading in LS - just because you think they were being lazy or ignoring or inattentive. I have seen the complete opposite.

 

The VAST majority of marriages that people live within after 5, 10 years of marriage are precisely this nature. Couples settle in and simply do not imagine their spouses cheating on them. And the majority of them are correct in doing so. It is not the fault of the BS if a WS uses that enormous trust to conduct an affair. I would never have married the woman I did had I thought she was capable of that level of deception 15 years into our marriage. And I would never have married her if I thought that I would have to monitor her daily movements just in case she decided to stray. I no more do that than I worry if one day out of the blue a bus driver is going to drive the bus and all its passengers off a bridge instead of getting me to my workplace.

 

Have some BS's known about their WS's affairs, and "ignored" it, of course. But many? MOST???!!!

 

 

 

 

how can you repeatedly insist that i was generalizing about all the BSs when that's simply not true & when i had explained in details just exactly what i meant by that comment...? and stop putting all of the BSs in the same damn basket.

.

[SolG]

How I read this, then they are saying that yes it is worth participating in if the odds of getting away with it are in their favor. That the biggest negative to not doing it would be getting caught.

 

A different way again of looking at it would be that for some the biggest negative would be the possible outcome of getting caught; or in other terms, the consequences. The cognitive process of deterrence isn't triggered by the thought of getting caught alone, it's about the deterrent effect of what may happen if you do.

 

Married people aren't dead. I'm sure a fair few get tempted and think about what it would be like... But then consider the possible consequences and decide against it. Amongst those considered consequences are for some the negative impact on someone you love, the incongruence with personal values, etc, etc. This is actually a good thing!

 

(I'll refrain here from truly ranting about the value of some 'research', and the even worse 'scientific journalism' reporting it. Oversimplification and bias abounds!)

 

But back to the question posed by the OP... I'm sure many infidelities are not detected. As many here have said, there's probably a positive correlation between liklehood of discovery, and length and intensity of the A.

 

This seems to hold true here on LS where it appears from the posts that the experience of the majority of BSs is discovering an A proper. Not so many finding that their WS is a philanderer with a history of multiple casual type flings.

 

This is also what I tend to see. A lot of my work colleagues--from my firm and others--travel often and extensively. And I'd say about 30% of the attached ones cheat as often as they can on an opportunity basis. Never anything serious, generally ONSs or short term flings. Nothing they ever engage in with intensity. And you hardly ever hear about these people getting caught. In fact, the vast majority when you see them with their spouses seem incredibly content and devoted as a couple. An observer would never guess if they didn't know.

Edited July 22, 2015 by SolG

[Furious]

do most As go undetected...?

 

i had a conversation with a friend of mine -- she thinks MANY cheat but few get caught. i have totally different experiences - i see folks getting caught all the time, As discovered all the time & a lot of BS who choose to look the other way.

 

most people knew (felt) that they were getting cheated on WHEN they got cheated on. so what are your experiences...? do more As get undetected or is it the other way around?

 

 

I'm surprised that you hold the above assumption about " a lot" of BS's. Maybe it's applicable to your experience as a former BS and you looked the other way...if so, or, if not, it would be helpful to share your situation as a BS in light of your invitation to other BS's to share their experience in the matter.

[minimariah]

But As many here have said, there's probably a positive correlation between liklehood of discovery, and length and intensity of the A.

 

i agree.

 

it's about emotions, intensity the most... i think. the A doesn't even have to be long, as long as the cheater falls in love & develops strong emotions for the AP which results in major behavior changes + detachment.

 

In fact, the vast majority when you see them with their spouses seem incredibly content and devoted as a couple.

 

i've seen this, too.

 

a colleague of mine cheats on his W very regularly - he is also very careful & discreet. according to him, he thinks he is such a good and a devoted husband, he loves his family so much and cares so much for them... that he feels that those 10% of the time... he is free to do whatever he wants.

 

it's a very strange thing - he swears up and down about how important his family is to him yet he is willing to risk all of that for some time of meaningless, probably mediocre at best sex. and there is also nothing you can do or say to him that will convince him that he is, in fact, damaging his relationship with his W even if she doesn't know about the cheating.

Edited July 22, 2015 by minimariah