Should I tell her?

[confusedmandi]

I am divorced and newly dating the last year or so and wow dating is difficult these days. First guy I was dating I found out he had a girlfriend. now the same thing has happened to me again!!!! I was seeing this guy I really liked (he's ten years older than me, I'm 31) and in April after a wonderful intimate night he ignored me for a week. Very out of the ordinary for him and never really gave me an explanation. We hung out a few times since then. I found out this weekend that he's been talking to a girl I know. (we are friends but he has no idea) She knew I had dated him so she was telling me she'd been talking to him. Said immediately he started flirting with her, was all about himself (never asked any questions about her) but that he told her he has a long distance girlfriend he sees once a month and is tired of the relationship. At first she said she contacted him because she was interested in a friend of his and he confided in about his issues with his girlfriend. I had NO Idea he had a serious girlfriend he had told me he was single!!! He told my friend he's been seeing this girl for three years! She lives in another state, has a good job there (something that would be difficult to find in our area) and she has a teen daughter. Her family lives in our town though as she is originally from my area.

 

He and I dated for roughly four months. We have had sex more than 20 times. Apparently, the girlfriend was in town for Easter visiting him and he and I slept together the day she left (I had no idea he had a girlfriend he told me he was single and had been for awhile). Seems to be a pattern that he would see me right before she came to town and right after she left.

 

The part that bothers me (i'm very upset that he had another girlfriend and was lying to me!) the most is according to the texts my friend showed me, he is pressuring this girlfriend to move to be with him. But get this. He won't let her move in with him, he doesn't want to get engaged or married. He just wants her to move to his hometown so they can date like regular people and see how it goes. Now he never admitted to my friend that he has ever cheated on his girlfriend but he said he is frustrated because he wants to see someone more often than he sees her. He's told my friend he's not into his girlfriend anymore, that they hadn't had sex in three months (lies, I'm sure) and that he's tired of waiting for her to move. But he says he won't break up with her because he's waiting to see if she does move to be with him. He said she is currently trying to find a job.

 

the woman in question (I found her on social media plus what he's said about her.. she has a great job in the state she lives, she has a teenage daughter and her father lives nearby. She has a gorgeous house that she just bought a few years ago (before she met him). Now I realize that their relationship is NONE of my business. But because my ex husband cheated on me and I wish someone had told me because it went on for about a year before I found out..

 

This woman is possibly planning to find a new job where this guy lives (several states away), move her daughter across the country, sell her beautiful house and move to be with a man who has cheated on her and is STILL looking to cheat. He told my friend he went to see his girlfriend for her birthday. the DAY HE RETURNED HOME after spending the weekend with his girlfriend he told my friend she is making plans to move to be with him and later that night he tried to talk my friend into coming over and having sex with him. He kept complaining he was horny and can't get enough sex, hates the long distance situation and even gave my friend directions to his house. Now this guy was stone cold sober as he does NOT drink but he was hitting on her hardcore and I know for a fact he would have slept with my friend had she been willing.

 

Now I am mad at this guy for using me to cheat on someone I had no idea existed. I spent nights at his house (there is nothing there that belonged to a woman) no hints that he was taken. He was always very good to me (very sweet, attentive, good in bed etc) very affectionate, would play with my hair, talk for hours after sex, we went on dates like a normal couple etc. up until that week he ignored me (maybe his girlfriend was in town) maybe he found someone else to hook up with? So I don't have any hard feelings toward him other than I'm miffed he lied to me.

 

So my motives are strictly to give a woman information about her cheating partner. Not to hurt him or punish him. But because according to him, his girlfriend is planning to move 8 hours away to be with him, uproot her teenage daughter from school, leave her father, sell her house and move to an area she would have to find a new job and a new house all for a guy who can't go even ONE night away from her without trying to have sex with other women. I am absolutely positive I am not the first, just by the ease of which he met me and started dating me, and by reading how he propositioned my friend.

 

If you were in my situation would you tell the girlfriend? Is it better to just leave it alone? IF you were the girlfriend would you want to know? Please! I don't know what to do. I have the urge to warn her and let her do what she wants with the info but in reality it may be none of my business. There really is no way for her to find out what he is up to because she lives so far away.

[casey.lives]

he is seeing someone else..what are you holding on to?? he lives far away from you and you have a life that you built, it seems very impractical to ask so much of him. maybe you need to let go and trust the universe and stop having a fear mentality. i think you should swallow your fate.. sorry it didn't turn out like you wanted but there might be something better in store for you. As someone who lost love, i can attest to things working out for the better anyhow.. have faith

Edited July 20, 2015 by casey.lives

[confusedmandi]

What? your post makes NO sense. I don't live far away from him (five minutes) and I'm not holding onto him. He's a guy I was seeing for a few months (Past tense) and I found out that WHILE WE WERE dATING and currently he had a serious long distance girlfriend. My dilemma is do I let the girlfriend know what happened between the two of us? She is the one who lives far away and according to him he has been talking her into uprooting her life, daughter, career to move to our area and find a house in our town so they can have a normal relationship as opposed to long distance. I'm not sure if I should tell her but I would HATE to think I had a loyal loving partner that I was going to change my entire life around for and here all along he's been cheating on me with various women.

[Jessie1231]

I had something like this happen to me with a guy I briefly dated right after I divorced. He wanted to get serious quickly, we dated like a normal couple, and I thought things were good.

 

So one night I couldn't sleep and started looking at his Facebook and saw pics with some woman. She looked quite a bit older than him so I thought it was a relative. Then I saw her comments and realized they were maybe dating. Since I was still "dating" him, I first confronted him about it. At first he denied it and said she was an ex who couldn't let go. Then he said they were an on again off again and he didn't know what was going on. She also lived several states away.

 

I dumped him after seeing more stuff on the woman's Facebook page showing they were very much still in a relationship. So I did what you're considering, and I contacted the woman. I sent her a nice message apologizing for my role in it but explaining I had no idea the guy I was dating was her boyfriend.

 

This woman turned out to be crazy. Like scary crazy. She messaged me back something really rude and I asked her not to contact me anymore, and told her had it been my boyfriend I would have wanted to know. Somehow she got my phone number and started calling and harassing me, threatened to get me fired from my job (for what I still have no idea), even had an attorney friend of hers write me a cease and desist letter even though I had never contacted her outside of that initial message.

 

Now I know my case was very extreme and rare I'm sure, but it got way more involved than I wanted it to for a guy I didn't really care much about. The easiest thing for you to do may be just stay out of it and be glad you found out the truth about the guy. I thought the right thing to do was contact, but after dealing with a woman's rage about her boyfriend cheating, now I would definitely stay out of the situation.

[confusedmandi]

I had something like this happen to me with a guy I briefly dated right after I divorced. He wanted to get serious quickly, we dated like a normal couple, and I thought things were good.

 

So one night I couldn't sleep and started looking at his Facebook and saw pics with some woman. She looked quite a bit older than him so I thought it was a relative. Then I saw her comments and realized they were maybe dating. Since I was still "dating" him, I first confronted him about it. At first he denied it and said she was an ex who couldn't let go. Then he said they were an on again off again and he didn't know what was going on. She also lived several states away.

 

I dumped him after seeing more stuff on the woman's Facebook page showing they were very much still in a relationship. So I did what you're considering, and I contacted the woman. I sent her a nice message apologizing for my role in it but explaining I had no idea the guy I was dating was her boyfriend.

 

This woman turned out to be crazy. Like scary crazy. She messaged me back something really rude and I asked her not to contact me anymore, and told her had it been my boyfriend I would have wanted to know. Somehow she got my phone number and started calling and harassing me, threatened to get me fired from my job (for what I still have no idea), even had an attorney friend of hers write me a cease and desist letter even though I had never contacted her outside of that initial message.

 

Now I know my case was very extreme and rare I'm sure, but it got way more involved than I wanted it to for a guy I didn't really care much about. The easiest thing for you to do may be just stay out of it and be glad you found out the truth about the guy. I thought the right thing to do was contact, but after dealing with a woman's rage about her boyfriend cheating, now I would definitely stay out of the situation.

 

Wow thanks for the warning! I absolutely hate women who take it out on the other woman that their partner cheated, flirted etc. Take it out on YOUR PARTNER. I once had a guy at work flirt with me and we used to have lunch together and talk. I had no idea he was in a relationship. His girlfriend found out (we never did anything physical) and flipped out on me! Threatened me etc. Like what? Your boyfriend was the one acting inappropriately. I didn't know he was taken. he didn't share that with ME. sorry I flirted with someone I believed to be single. I don't exactly do background checks on everyone I speak to.

 

I just feel strongly in this situation that the girlfriend somehow find out because she is considering uprooting her entire life (selling a house, taking a teen daughter out of school, career change etc) for a man who is behaving as though he doesn't give a **** about her. You can't honestly love someone or even like them for that matter, and immediately come home from seeing them (long distance) and then go looking for your next piece of ass. you can't have a relationship with another woman just because you girlfriend is not around at the moment. For all I know this woman thinks her man is loving an loyal and she's moving to be with a great guy! And yet he sees nothing wrong with cheating on her right and left. that's the only reason I'm wondering if I should somehow inform her.

[jen1447]

If you were in my situation would you tell the girlfriend? Is it better to just leave it alone? IF you were the girlfriend would you want to know? Please! I don't know what to do. I have the urge to warn her and let her do what she wants with the info but in reality it may be none of my business. There really is no way for her to find out what he is up to because she lives so far away.

Tough call mandi.

 

First of all I'm sorry this happened to you. Hugs.

 

I think you have to let your conscience decide. The only thing I'd suggest (which you've already hinted at) is that if you do it, you do it for the right reasons - to help this other woman out, not to 'get' your ex.

 

One caveat you should keep in mind tho is a lot of times, the ppl on the other end of the tip don't take this info well and sometimes even go so far as to attack the informant in a misguided sense of 'defense of the home' or family unit or whatever.

 

So be careful about that. We can't always save the world.

 

edit - just read Jessie1231's story after posting.

[confusedmandi]

Thanks Jen. . I have mixed feelings. In no way do I want to get back at this guy or take out any anger on him. It makes me sad that he's not the guy I thought he was but now his lack of interest in me toward the end makes some sense and I'm glad I didn't get caught up in dating him because I would have gotten hurt. I don't have any vicious intentions I just feel bad for this girlfriend I had no idea about and the fact that she may be planning to move herself and her teen daughter hundreds of miles away to be with a guy who isn't honest or faithful to her. If she gets the information and decides to move anyway then that's her decision. but to uproot your life and move to be with a man who cant' even be faithful to you mere hours after seeing you is tragic.

 

If she decides to take it on out on me (if I decide to tell her) then she has problems and deserves what she gets. Personally I wish someone had told me about my ex husband cheating. We were trying to have a 3rd child at the time (never thought I would be saying this but thank god I had a miscarriage). The third child was actually his idea even though he was cheating on me the whole time. So that might be some of my motivation because if I had known I wouldn't have gone thru the heartache. She is older (in her late 40's) so maybe she will behave more maturely than say a 20 year old at hearing the news. Still debating whether or not to spill the beans. I feel terrible for my part in this but I had no idea. I pretty much take people at their word unless their actions are sketchy.

Edited July 20, 2015 by confusedmandi

[coryreply]

Have you thought about telling her anonymously?

[LivingDeadGrl]

To be honest, you don't actually know the full story of what's going on between them. Maybe he isn't pressuring her to move at all, he's just saying so to make his story sound better. Or maybe he has expressed his concerns to her and she hasn't acted on them. Who really knows? You can't take his word for it, he's a proven liar.

If I were her I would want to know. I am not really understanding why women don't empower each other at all in this age. All we seem to do is knock each other down and most men are hardly worth it.

I had a fling with a guy once, he told me he was single. He used to visit me on the weekends.

Later I find out he did in fact have a pregnant girlfriend the whole time. She ended up messaging me a couple months later asking me if we had anything going on during the time he was "visiting" my home town. I told her the truth. She thanked me and I apologized to her as I hadn't known at the time. I had no reason to lie to her.

 

They are still together last I knew. I am sure he hasn't changed.

 

All you can do is give her the power of knowledge. It's up to her what she does with it. If she wants to go bat sh*t crazy on you, well then they deserve each other

[confusedmandi]

Yes, telling her anonomously crossed my mind, but I didn't do anything wrong and it might seem more honest if I just tell her myself. Since I was involved (unknowingly).

Yes you are right, I don't know the whole story just what he told my friend and what he told me. Her side could be completely different. I don't particularly like to get in other people's business but I guess he dragged me into his business when he decided to date me while having a girlfriend. I know that we are over now and I'm fine with it I just don't appreciate what he's doing to women (myself included). I can't imagine the heart ache of giving up everything to be with the man you love to later find out (I'm sure he probably won't stop cheating even if she moves to be with him) he's a fraud and a cheater.