acceptable emotional support systems for men

[norudder]

It seems in our society men aren't really encouraged to open up to one another about their deeper inner lives and emotions. For most, wives/girlfriends provide that support and connection. But what about when there is a conflict in regards to that relationship. Ideally you talj to each other first, but women talk with their sisters, mothers, girlfriends. What about the men? Who is acceptable/not acceptable? I think a lot of men feel more comfortable opening up to a woman but if its not family, is it bordering on inappropriate and putting the relationship at risk to confide in someone else?

 

Have you talked about this in your marriage? Do you consider it a betrayal to bring marriage issues to anyone other than you two or a counselor, no matter what the gender?

[carhill]

IMO, such agreements should be between the spouses and vary by marriage and should apply equitably and be subject to consequences should one or the other spouse choose to ignore the agreement.

 

Myself, I didn't share any intimate marital business with anyone other than our MC. More general stuff, stuff any friend who was observant could pick up on, I did share with my best (male) friend *after* we were divorced, so he could better understand some of my actions during the M that he observed.

 

Another couple could approach things completely differently and that choice could be perfectly healthy for them.

 

I tend to get 'emotional support' from men, though only recently as an older man. In the past, men of my demographic were very closed that way.

 

I learned most of my boundaries from MW's because I found the feelings of listening to other people's marital business to be distasteful and certainly didn't enjoy interacting with the spouse and knowing their business, or at least their marital partner's version of it. Uncomfortable. Another man might feel completely differently.

[spanz1]

Myself, I didn't share any intimate marital business with anyone other than our MC.

 

 

 

on the other hand, you could just post the details anonymously online and ask for opinions. that works too.

[Mrin]

Holysmokes this is a great thread topic. And to have a productive conversation, it is probably helpful to state the geographical perspective as the cultural norms for acceptable male behavior differ widely.

 

I'm an American man. 43. Colorado.

 

First off, men in my culture aren't really raised to be cognizant of their own need for a support structure. Oh sure, when you are a child your parents tell you to talk about your feelings. The importance of friends, etc... But around puberty everything sort of changes. About the closest thing we have to consciously developing a support structure are "the bros" until we get into a relationship.

 

The bros are simply a dude's few good friends. The reason they're our bros is because they like to do other similar dude stuff with us. The currency of the bro relationship isn't the degree to which they offer advice or act as a sounding board. But rather the degree to which they "have your back". Their level of commitment to you. It is almost tribal in a sort of way. Compassion between bros is normally expressed via ridicule and light physical assault. Camaraderie. You know you have their support even if you're wrong. Because, they're your bros.

 

Occasionally a dude will have a bro friend that is so close that it starts to approach what women just see as friendship. This is a dude you can have real conversations with about your emotions etc... Except here's the thing, women have these conversations with their friends as a way of celebrating or growing the friendship. Dudes have these conversations with other dude friends because they have to. They've got no on else to turn to. They'd rather be doing dude stuff but can't because they're upset. So such conversations happen infrequently and caused because of necessity. The point of the conversation is to solve whatever is the source of the issue and go back to being dudes.

 

Dudes find it far easier to have these conversations with women friends. Women are usually far more receptive to these conversations and also aren't so visibly dealing with the "got his back" vs. "good advice" quandary. This is why work wife arrangements are so common. The only problem is that sometimes bro-brah friendships grow into something more.

 

Dudes will turn to their sisters and mothers for support. I know I have a great relationship with my sister and she's talked me through a ton of crazy stuff. Without her, I think I would have had to go into IC.

 

So here's the really interesting problem: dudes don't have really emotional support from other dudes. So they turn to women. Most women in a relationship have other female friends to act as their support. Most women in a relationship chafe at the concept of a work wife or even their man having a really close female friend. Even female relatives will rub a woman wrong.

 

So there you have it.

[casey.lives]

this is the real world.. marriage are fragile.. ur husband changes cologne and that stirs things up.. one female is unlike another.. seeking marital advise from female "friends" is worthless. and like men.. women seeking advise from other men or even their "female" support is not encouraged. You are an adult and should be able to use the plentiful resources to help yourself. Friends are friends and that relationship centers around the individual, outside the marriage. you can make jokes and quips but dragging your marriage in the mud and overexposure creates opportunities for unwanted interference. What a guy can do .. is talk with his wife and likewise her turn to you and if you need outside help do it as a couple. Emotional support creates sides and marital divide. You and your family should be one unit ALWAYS.

Edited July 20, 2015 by casey.lives

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I thought men get emotional support from their bartender & bowling buddies.

[carhill]

on the other hand, you could just post the details anonymously online and ask for opinions. that works too.

While certainly appropriate for some men, I didn't get 'online' as a possible answer to the OP and don't consider online entities to be 'real' in the sense that humans we know and view and touch to be real. For example, I could be a teenage girl and you could be an elderly man in a nursing home. No one knows. Hence, our opinions should be viewed within that context, compared to those sought from real persons we know and interact with, seek emotional support from and with we have a modicum of trust. While some men can certainly feel 'supported' by an online forum, I'm not one of them. This stuff is pure discussion to me, some 38K+ posts of it.

 

OP, we did talk about this topic in our M and one of my concerns in MC was other people knowing our intimate marital business. As an extreme example, my best friend came to me during my divorce and shared his mortification over some of the stuff my exW shared with him. He usually can deal with anything and handles the lives and livelihoods of dozens to hundreds of people daily but those intimate details floored him. Hence, even though I was unaware, he was uncomfortable being an emotional support system. Others I was made aware of and, hence, the discussion about boundaries in MC.

[OldRover]

Some guys and get really good emotional support from other men, often brothers, and I'm in that group... also get some great support from my brother's lady, who is pretty knowledgeable and very helpful. Also, have a really great friend, but don't go into really sensitive stuff.

 

Couldn't imagine not having some support occasionally.

 

The internet (with anonymous posting, like this forum) works, but far from a really good friend and certainly not the place to get into really emotional details.

[RJays7]

I know this may sound like an outdated idea, but my husband talks to my father and he also has a few mentors who have walked with us through some really tough stuff. It has made a huge difference knowing he has a man he can call anytime and know they will be there to listen whenever he needs it. We talk about things a lot, but sometimes it is nice for him to hear from another trusted man on issues he is going through and get their perspective. I think it is very dangerous for a woman to go to another man or a man to go to another woman to discuss any issues that might be going on in their marriage. Be careful!

 

RJays7

[Mr. Lucky]

Some guys get really good emotional support from other men, often brothers, and I'm in that group...

 

Me too and I'd add sisters to that. I feel sorry for those that don't have siblings as we act as each other's sounding boards and vents for life's challenges and successes. I know my wife is the same with her sister.

 

I find it helpful to have both sexes to confide in...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

I do feel for men because I think their options are so much more limited for real support.

 

However, like it or not, the statistically significant fact is, if you open up your deep dark stuff to a woman other than your wife, you ARE upping your chances of and vulnerability to an A.

 

That is just the way it is.

 

I wish society hadn't conditioned men this way and that people were more understanding that men need support too.

[Mrin]

Some guys and get really good emotional support from other men, often brothers, and I'm in that group... also get some great support from my brother's lady, who is pretty knowledgeable and very helpful. Also, have a really great friend, but don't go into really sensitive stuff.

 

Couldn't imagine not having some support occasionally.

 

The internet (with anonymous posting, like this forum) works, but far from a really good friend and certainly not the place to get into really emotional details.

 

This. I don't have any brothers but could totally see how that would work out. She's "taken" by a dude you'd never cross but not a blood relative. So pretty objective viewpoint but totally non-threatening to your relationship partner with the exception of the intrafamily in-law pecking order.

[S_A]

Thank you for your post NoRudder, but I do think a lot of men are comfortable about opening up. I was talking to some random guy not too long ago and he opened up and said that I have not lived until I've experienced a prostate orgasm. He said he knew it sounded "gay," but that there is no better orgasm than a prostate orgasm.

 

He seemed pretty open IMO. You can't get any more open than talking about getting stimulated up the butt with a bunch of straight guys.

[alphamale]

i really don't understand the question

[OldRover]

I do feel for men because I think their options are so much more limited for real support.

 

However, like it or not, the statistically significant fact is, if you open up your deep dark stuff to a woman other than your wife, you ARE upping your chances of and vulnerability to an A.

 

That is just the way it is.

 

I wish society hadn't conditioned men this way and that people were more understanding that men need support too.

 

Agreed on the risk with a woman... that would have to be a special relationship. I've got two, one brother's wife and my other brother's GF (with him ~20 yrs). Both are very receptive with support, and I'd NEVER, EVER cross the line with them... just not a chance. The brother's GF has gone through about the same as I have and her help has been tremendous, and I've made decisions largely base on what she has said... (and, yes, I get my brother involved too, and he's a great brother, but doesn't quite give the support and back up that his GF gives..... I've also been sympathetic to their issues, or we (him, her and me) have given each other a LOT of support. Priceless.

 

Now, an attractive lady that was an acquaintance that over the years became a close friend, I'd probably not confide in her for support.... too risky, unless I wanted that risk.

[norudder]

I know this may sound like an outdated idea, but my husband talks to my father and he also has a few mentors who have walked with us through some really tough stuff. It has made a huge difference knowing he has a man he can call anytime and know they will be there to listen whenever he needs it. We talk about things a lot, but sometimes it is nice for him to hear from another trusted man on issues he is going through and get their perspective. I think it is very dangerous for a woman to go to another man or a man to go to another woman to discuss any issues that might be going on in their marriage. Be careful!

 

RJays7

 

I think its great and wish those relationships weren't so rare. We advocate professional mentors, why not personal. My friend in tx is working through her husband's affair and his softball coach who is about 15-20 yrs older took him out to a diner for like 3 hours to give him some counsel. He got over his ego and shame and was willing to open up and accept help which is great and sometimes I think being accountable to your "community" whether family church or softball can be an even greater impact and supportive outlet than therapy.

[Morro72]

Anything having to do with my marriage, I talk with my wife.

 

The one time I sought relationship advice was in high school when I talked with a female friend about my new gf. She taught me what I now know as The 180. That was the only free advice I've ever gotten that was actually worth more than I paid for it. No, the gf did not become my wife, but we did have some good times before things faded away, the way they do at that age.

[carhill]

i really don't understand the question

Ha, yeah, in my demographic and generation, 'emotional support' was going to the bar, getting a bit plowed, having a few arguments and maybe a fist fight or two out back, then going home and sleeping it off. That's how men bonded emotionally, that and killing animals (hunting) or fishing or sports. Talking about feelings was for gay men and women. Sounds foolish but that's what I grew up in and have lived in, mostly. It has changed a bit in the last ten years or so, but very little for the men my age. The younger guys, like our grandchildren, seem to be more open and support each other.

[Thegameoflife]

I'll vent to close friends, but only work out problems directly with my wife.

 

Oddly though, I get approached by people randomly wanting to share about their lives. Co-workers, friends, random strangers, both men and women of various age groups. Often it's extremely personal information that people have never shared with anyone. I don't judge people, and I think people sense it; so they tell me things they've wanted to say, but feared judgment.

[OldRover]

I'll vent to close friends, but only work out problems directly with my wife.

 

Oddly though, I get approached by people randomly wanting to share about their lives. Co-workers, friends, random strangers, both men and women of various age groups. Often it's extremely personal information that people have never shared with anyone. I don't judge people, and I think people sense it; so they tell me things they've wanted to say, but feared judgment.

 

I'd have a real hard time telling (or hearing from) anyone I didn't know well ANY personal info. If someone I don't know starts with that, I just say TMI or time out.... not interested.