Bittersweetie Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I am so angry. You've probably read about the Ashley Madison hacking situation. I met xOM through AM in 2008. My H called me about it. I am so angry because now he has to think about this today. I'm sure this is a trigger for him, and he's hurting, and I am so angry because I brought this hurt on him. If it wasn't for me, it'd just be another news story. I am so angry at what I did. I am so angry that I was so selfish and hurt people. I'm angry that I thought it was okay. I am angry at the person I was at that time...I hate the person I was at that time. And that makes me angry. And then part of me feels like it's being selfish to even be this angry...like it's all about me again. I have so much to be thankful for and I appreciate what I have in my life every day. But occasionally I still feel so much anger over my choices and today is one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I am so angry. You've probably read about the Ashley Madison hacking situation. I met xOM through AM in 2008. My H called me about it. I am so angry because now he has to think about this today. I'm sure this is a trigger for him, and he's hurting, and I am so angry because I brought this hurt on him. If it wasn't for me, it'd just be another news story. I am so angry at what I did. I am so angry that I was so selfish and hurt people. I'm angry that I thought it was okay. I am angry at the person I was at that time...I hate the person I was at that time. And that makes me angry. And then part of me feels like it's being selfish to even be this angry...like it's all about me again. I have so much to be thankful for and I appreciate what I have in my life every day. But occasionally I still feel so much anger over my choices and today is one of them. I am sorry. It sucks to cheat. And it all our fault and there is nothing we can do to change that. I went on AM and in my damn burst confession I told my H. In light of actually having sex with someone we knew, it didn't seem a big deal. I wonder if he even remembers? Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 so stop being that person and try and rectify some of the damage..if you can cause problems, you can also fix them. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to improvement. Congratulations! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Hang in there- triggers happen all over, all of the time- they can send my husband down the hole as well with guilt, remorse and anger at himself-I think its normal and shows you are human-just try to remember who you are now and not what you allowed yourself to be- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I always hear people say that they just had to DO something in the name of love because they felt moved ... well, conversely, i think people should do that for feelings of pain or sorrow,too. you feel something;DO something! Feelings seem so important.. until.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Slow down and talk to him. Show him you have changed. Not just with your words but with your actions. Take him to lunch and shower him with attention. Right now he probably needs you the most to show him you really love him. And on a personal note I hope they do give out the names of all those people. It would be nice for once to see real honest in relationships. Sure I feel horrible for the people that will suffer from it but hopefully they will find these sites to get help. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bittersweetie Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Thanks everyone. We are 5.5 years out from d-day and there has been a lot done on both sides to better our relationship. I am there for him 100%. Hang in there- triggers happen all over, all of the time- they can send my husband down the hole as well with guilt, remorse and anger at himself-I think its normal and shows you are human-just try to remember who you are now and not what you allowed yourself to be- Thanks especially for this...I'm always thinking of triggers for my H and how to be there for him...I never really thought about the fact there'd be triggers for me as well. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Thanks everyone. We are 5.5 years out from d-day and there has been a lot done on both sides to better our relationship. I am there for him 100%. Thanks especially for this...I'm always thinking of triggers for my H and how to be there for him...I never really thought about the fact there'd be triggers for me as well. Bitterswetie, It is a trigger for you, give yourself a break, and do not let it mess up what you have accomplished. Unfortunately, past actions do come back in life, and say "aha !, remember me and what you did?" Remind yourself you are now better then that. Be mad, but then give your husband a hug, and remind him that you love him. Wish you luck. PS: Sex helps too......... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I'm sorry you are triggering. I can understand that this would be upsetting to both you and your husband. There's no knowing how far back the records they hacked go, but I have to wonder...how many other couples there will be in which the infidelity has been exposed, recovery is been worked on, progress has been made, they are moving on.....and this hacking and possible sting of names will bring all sorts of recoveries back to zero. Yes, one can cloak one's self in the statement that it wouldn't be an issue if there had never been an A. But think about couples who are 2, 3, 5 years out and happy, with children ,etc. And those couples and their children may face all sorts of pain, pain that has already been worked through and had amends made for it. It makes me sad that the desire for revenge, money, or just kindergarten playground "neener neener" may impact so many people who have already started down the long road of recovery Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I am so angry. You've probably read about the Ashley Madison hacking situation. I met xOM through AM in 2008. I'm sorry this is causing you problems. Irony abounds when a website that encourages you to deceive your spouse then lies to its customers by telling them, for a $19 charge, it will delete your profile. They still retained credit card info with obvious links to name, addresses and financial info and that's what was hacked. Could get messy for some folks... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bittersweetie Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 We just talked. He is, understandably, very upset. He works in a field and told me it's only a matter of time before the information becomes available and searchable. He asked questions, I answered them. I did not use a credit card or my address. I'm pretty sure I didn't even use my real name. But it hurts, and I am so angry, that I did this and he is hurting. I know that I am no longer that person but still, it is out there and I cannot take it back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I am sorry. It sucks to cheat. And it all our fault and there is nothing we can do to change that. I went on AM and in my damn burst confession I told my H. In light of actually having sex with someone we knew, it didn't seem a big deal. I wonder if he even remembers? how rude of you(noirek) don't compare your affair to this person. shes on a much brighter path don't cast your dark shadow over her. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexAnsara Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I actually think that the anger is pretty healthy-it indicates that you're not ok with you're actions, and gives you the energy to take action. It means that, 5.5 years down the line, you still want to work on your relationship, you still feel remorse, and you understand and feel empathy for your husband's pain. Feelings are just feelings. They aren't good or bad. It's what we do with them that matters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 For what it's worth, you aren't the only person here in that boat. I found my RA AP on AM, too. Fun stuff. Really looking forward to seeing if my name gets revealed. Keep your chin up, Bittersweetie. Your M is far stronger than this one episode. Haven't read the rest of the responses so forgive me if I'm repeating what another person has said here. I read today that the hackers are objecting to the fact that AM doesn't actually delete the account information, even when you've paid the $19 to have it deleted. I can't imagine that motivation leading to an actual release of the names. I also read that AM has agreed to offer the deletions now at no charge. While this news may not stop your H from a trigger, hopefully it may help relieve some of the potential anxiety related to the potential release. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I also read that AM has agreed to offer the deletions now at no charge. While this news may not stop your H from a trigger, hopefully it may help relieve some of the potential anxiety related to the potential release. It seems as though that would only be helpful to new members. Older members' data has already been compromised. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 We just talked. He is, understandably, very upset. He works in a field and told me it's only a matter of time before the information becomes available and searchable. He asked questions, I answered them. I did not use a credit card or my address. I'm pretty sure I didn't even use my real name. But it hurts, and I am so angry, that I did this and he is hurting. I know that I am no longer that person but still, it is out there and I cannot take it back. As I recall, there was only a charge (and thus, a need for your credit card) if you initiated a message to someone. Subsequent message to the same person were free. I think I paid $5 to send a msg to the person that became my AP. It's the credit card data that would have the real name, address, etc.. It's ironic to think how much I've avoided the urge to put my exwife up on a cheater site. And now I'm the one more likely to be publicly exposed. There's no end to my consequences apparently. I'm just looking forward to the day when my kids find out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 It seems as though that would only be helpful to new members. Older members' data has already been compromised. Agreed. I'm just saying that it may appease the hackers who are only threatening to release the information at this point (based on what I read earlier today). Since their objection was that the fee was charged, perhaps removal of the fee will appease them sufficiently to prevent a release. It seems that AM administration is the target, not the individuals. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm going to go vomit now. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm going to go vomit now. There is no fairness whatsoever in this world if you of all people end up getting hurt by this. I honestly seriously doubt that they will ever get away with publishing all that information anywhere. OP, how did you pay if not by credit card? It seems like that (or PayPal or something) would be the only way to pay. I can't think of any way that would not have a name attached. (An AM gift card???) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 There is no fairness whatsoever in this world if you of all people end up getting hurt by this. I honestly seriously doubt that they will ever get away with publishing all that information anywhere. OP, how did you pay if not by credit card? It seems like that (or PayPal or something) would be the only way to pay. I can't think of any way that would not have a name attached. (An AM gift card???) If I remember correctly (going back several years now), there was no charge to join the site, browse profiles, etc.. It was sending an actual message to someone that cost some kind of points (which had to be purchased). And I don't think there was any charge to receive/read a message or to even reply to a message. It was just the initial message that cost points. Most women don't end up paying anything because the men flock to them; they can sit back and be picky without ever initiating a message. Bittersweetie is probably in the clear. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 BH - How would a data dump even work? There would be a page that people could go to to search names? Most people wouldn't do that. If that's the case, I don't think it would be that big of a deal. Why would your kids ever search there? If someone searching your name on Google were directed to the site, that would be different, but I'm not convinced that it would work that way. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 BH - How would a data dump even work? There would be a page that people could go to to search names? Most people wouldn't do that. If that's the case, I don't think it would be that big of a deal. Why would your kids ever search there? If someone searching your name on Google were directed to the site, that would be different, but I'm not convinced that it would work that way. I honestly have no clue. I did read that it happened to Adult Friend Finder a while back and so I'm curious about what that data release looked like. I agree that someone would likely have to search something to find a particular name (and my kids are unlikely to do that). But at that point, Pandora's box is open. Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 AM is free for women. But not free to cancel. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 There is no fairness whatsoever in this world if you of all people end up getting hurt by this. Felt I owed it to you to say thanks for this. ^^^ I only have myself to blame for the AM nonsense. Still, it is just surreal that all this has happened. I was just strolling along thru life with what I thought was a happy wife, both of us with good jobs, a new home we'd had built, two great kids, two cats... Then insanity set in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm just looking forward to the day when my kids find out. I wonder how many people are mulling preemptive conversations with spouses and family members. With 37M claimed members, that's a lot of potential damage. BH, would it make sense for you to talk to your kids in advance ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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