Specific to the OM/OW Forum why are you here?

[autumnnight]

Why am I here? To get real. But that's funny because what you see posted on these forums is not real. Personally, I like to keep all my discussion here in the forum, in public. I'll own everything I say. I invite people to use the alert function.

 

Some don't think that way, and what become increasingly obvious lately is that there is a lot of stuff going on in the private message space which not only contravenes community guidelines, but is NOT in the spirit of the community. Online affairs, trash talking about other members, spreading of gossip and outright abuse. And this is just the stuff I gather through the public postings. Personally I think this undermines the forum when this all goes underground.

 

So this was one place I could be real. And get real. Why am I here now? Good question.

 

I have no idea what you are talking about, as just about the only PM's I get are gentle nudges (because sometimes I am guilty of that chosen lack of self-control too).

 

I happen to believe thinking people can be real without being mean, crass, and purposely rude. But it is abundantly clear that not everyone who posts on forums feels the same.

[daisygirl19]

I stumbled across LS when my FMM decided to leave his wife. The guilt was killing me and I was looking for a place to share with people who "got it". I found a few

[Dela]

I stumbled across LS when my FMM decided to leave his wife. The guilt was killing me and I was looking for a place to share with people who "got it". I found a few

 

did he leave his wife?...

[daisygirl19]

did he leave his wife?...

 

Yes he did.

[Miss Clavel]

before my husband knew i knew, i googled "lying cheating bastard thief liar" and in the results was a [web forum].

 

[The forum] was a website for all the OW. they would get together in the threads to kill time while they were waiting for their MM to drop by. they would post all about their affairs and talk about lying, sex and something called "D-day".

 

i learned to keep quiet and plan.

 

along the way i found a website for support with betrayal, abuse and divorce.

 

i was one of the only people to get a divorce out of the 10 or so women i met there.

 

i came here because i saw LS talked about in a link and i was curious.

 

i joined because i felt that i could bring something to betrayed women that were going to divorce.

 

 

 

i've seen alot of pain on both sides of this issue and i've seen very few women that end up married to their xmm/AP.

 

for the record, i am divorced and my is not married to his AP. they moved in together during our divorce but they never took it any further.

 

i know he's cheater on her twice and he's moved out on her.

 

i'd never have him back. unless he was ill or homeless.

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reference to another forum and inflammatory language redacted

[NewLeaf512]

Thank you for your post and your candour. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask a few things. How long ago was you DDay and divorce? Do you feel that you did the right thing?

I agree there is a lot of pain involved on all sides but it seems to me that WS seem to have fewer consequences (just a broad brush observation).

I also agree that the BW who divorce seem to be a minority and I am sure they could use support and to hear your story.

Non cheaters are usually superior to cheaters unless the non-cheaters have some other flaw like physical abuse, drug addiction including dangerous behaviour, there is no probably about it

 

 

Thanks for posting

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
References to redacted material redacted

[William]

The other moderators have decided, for now, to leave this thread open so open it shall remain. Our rules of topical discourse and demeanor and language still apply.

 

For clarity, the topic is 'why are you here?', specific to the OM/OW forum. Other threads are available, for free, to discuss individual affair dynamics, whether in the past or currently occurring. The thrust of this thread is focused on interacting with this forum and why members are here.

 

Lastly, please don't refer to or link to other web forums. Our owner has a strong dislike for that (they're competition) and doesn't want them advertised and members can be banned for that. It's not germane to this discussion.

 

Thanks!

[lana-banana]

Not an OW, but I could have been. My boyfriend was in a very serious, long-term (almost 4 years, living together) relationship when we admitted our feelings for each other. I had no idea how unhappy he was until he told me. I was very clear with him that things could not and would not proceed until he was single, and he agreed completely. In fewer than two weeks he had ended his relationship and he moved out two months later the very instant his lease was up.

 

I am here because I have a lot of admiration for the women who post here. This forum has the toughest love but also the best advice on this entire site. The stories here are heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. And I have so much empathy for everyone who is suffering. I can't offer any personal advice but I'd note that if a man wants to be with you, he will---no ifs, ands, or excuses. He will.

[carhill]

I found LS through a 'marriage forum' Google search back in 2008 when I was going through MC with my now exW whilst in the midst of an EA with a long-ago MW. We had MC once a week but I wanted more personal work away from the psychologist and to expand upon what we covered in session. I found the forum to provide good 'group' work, exposing me to a wide variety of perspectives on affairs, as well as on marriages and relationships in general. TBH, my exW thought LS was 'stupid' and expressed that a few times. Regardless, I stayed and have moved on to other things in the forum and stop by occasionally to offer perspective from long experience with MW's.

[Owl6118]

I came to LS to try to get insight into issues in my own marriage as I tried to heal it from the damage it suffered when I had a prolonged major depression.

 

Infidelity is not part of my marriage story, but I sometimes comment here because I have a profound beleif in the possibility of redemption. I am touched by stories of people at rock bottom, who are wrestling with great shame and remorse.

 

Sometimes I read a story which reminds me of my life, which has had its share of shame, remorse and a huge share of the blessing of redemption. if it does, I try to offer hope.

[TerraIncognita]

I am here because reading other people's stories remind me that my situation wasn't unique and most likely wouldn't have ended well no matter what.

 

It reaffirms my belief that I made the right decision to walk away from someone I loved very much. Like many women, I tend to get lost in "what ifs" and knowing there was no scenario than other than heartbreak and pain, helps me be at peace with my decision.

[Scarlet2]

I came here because I wanted to know if his behaviors were "normal" compared to other MM, how other women are maintaining their affair, how they cope, how affairs can be the same or different, how to make it work, what MM's thought processes could be, insight into how an affair can progress into a real relationship. I wanted more dialog on what occurred in their affairs, more dialog from MM or exMM on how they treated their OW and why. I have felt attacked sometimes, I don't know if they are former OW or BW or both. Most of the time the responses are "find a single man, MM doesn't want you, go to therapy" almost like you shouldn't even post here at all; like there should be a sticky thread "end your affair and just go straight to a therapist" when all you want is to express yourself with people who can relate and hear if what is happening to you also happened to them but it's mostly personal opinions and not personal experiences.

[OWAmy]

I am here because I got seriously lost in my affair. After my son was born (not with MM) I knew the affair had to end. I still update my original post from 18 months ago, which pretty much sums up how I came to be here 'Ending on good terms and going no contact'.

 

I'm still a work in progress - I managed NC for 4 months and stopped the physical side of things a year ago. I strongly believe I'm on the last stretch now.

[HappyAgain2014]

I originally came here a few months into my affair to see how people coped with being the OW and how likely the MM would be to leave his marriage. I realized the details might be different however the endings were typically the same.

 

I have stayed to offer support and insight when I can. I strongly believe it is a blessing that most OW don't end up with their MM. It's not wishful thinking for karma or anything negative. On the contrary, I believe most MM are terribly broken, therefore I don't believe they would ultimately make good partners. Hopefully I offer a perspective in healing that, once the affair ends, the OW can clearly see that she didn't lose. She probably dodged quite a bullet.

 

Finally, to my surprise, I ended up meeting my husband after my affair. Despite believing I'd never love again, I discovered what love and commitment truly means. There is hope after an affair. You just have to let go and move forward.

[minimariah]

So now you know why I am here. Why are you?

 

a social experiment.

[Honypooh]

I came here when I started my relationship with my MM because I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. He was telling me he was leaving his wife...but everything I have read told me that it was not going to happen.

 

But it did happen. MM left his wife. MM has does everything he said he was going to do when he said he was going to do it.

[Got it]

I came here when my affair was new to talk to other people who were in affairs and could relate. I did not post here during my affair due to the environment that was apparent during that time. I was not looking to be told I was wrong, he would break me, etc. I was happy in it and wasn't looking for advice on how to end it.

 

I came back her a few years ago to talk to others and to this board specifically to support OP in whatever stage they are in. I do not think they are evil or broken and do not think all affairs are doom and gloom. I also try and offer a balanced look as well at what the other side can look like when you do marry the MP.

 

But I am here to try and support the OP, whatever they are looking for.

[Grapesofwrath]

Like others here, I found LS while searching online for some way to make sense of the A I was having. So many things about it didn't make sense or fit my previous understanding of A's. In my online research, I found LS and was eager to "talk" to others because this is a secret to everyone in my real life.

 

Like Hope, I am a together, professional woman. I have a great career, wonderful children, and am fully self-supporting. Yet, I found myself as the OW and wanted to understand why I was willing to participate in that. I've learned a lot reading here, and have much more to learn.

 

When I respond to others, I try to do so with kindness. The Dalai Lama says, "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." I believe in that. When I am skewered by others, it stings. And I will retract for a bit. Then I realize that reaction is really more about them than me.

[NewLeaf512]

Like others here, I found LS while searching online for some way to make sense of the A I was having. So many things about it didn't make sense or fit my previous understanding of A's. In my online research, I found LS and was eager to "talk" to others because this is a secret to everyone in my real life.

 

Like Hope, I am a together, professional woman. I have a great career, wonderful children, and am fully self-supporting. Yet, I found myself as the OW and wanted to understand why I was willing to participate in that. I've learned a lot reading here, and have much more to learn.

 

When I respond to others, I try to do so with kindness. The Dalai Lama says, "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." I believe in that. When I am skewered by others, it stings. And I will retract for a bit. Then I realize that reaction is really more about them than me.

 

 

thanks for your post. Kindness rules

[Cymbeline]

I am here as a bw I order to inform myself and to try to understand. As an internationally mobile expatriate family I have dealt with lots of unfamiliar situations and cultures and have seen affairs and heard about them but had never been touched closely until now, after more than 25 years of marriage.

 

I have found the information and psychological/psychoanalytical explanations fascinating and have garnered considerable intellectual understanding of affairs, but emotionally, I haven't reached the same level of understanding as although I understand in my head that anyone may be vulnerable to an affair, I have found that I cannot imagine putting myself in that position.

 

I'm fairly sure this is an absolute for me, since opportune situations abound. We have homes in different countries, (some of which have sex easily available). constant business travel (for my Wh) and family /leisure related travel for me, and we meet and socialise with dynamic, highly personable and successful friends and acquaintances. Expat life also means that friendships become intense quick quickly.

 

Despite this, I have never felt more than a mild pleasure in being flattered, and have never felt the desire to go further than to appreciate the mild flirtation that sometimes happens, no matter how attractive the possibility.

 

I believe this must be apparent as despite being friendly, open, tactile and sufficiently attractive (I think!), I have never had a clear proposition.

 

Oddly, in my eyes, my Wh didn't choose a successful person for his pretty intensely involved affair for which he almost left us. He chose a very pretty but completely uneducated and not very bright girl, 18 years younger, submissive and with considerable issues from her upbringing.

 

So I am still searching for emotional understanding.

[SolG]

The first two and a half years of my A were pretty much blissful. MM and I were together constantly and loved it. We worked long hours and travelled together constantly. All the time getting closer and closer. True limerence plus!

 

I believed everything he said; swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I'd never had a relationship not go the way I wanted it to, never really had my heart broken, never been so invested that it wasn't relatively easy to walk away. I had no real experience with infidelity so had no idea. I was naive and just expected that everything would work out.

 

At the two and a half year mark the wheels fell off and so did my rose coloured glasses. I discovered the lies. It was mostly truth.. But the embedded lies of omission were devastating for me. That's when I went searching and found LS. I stumbled across this thread titled http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/360696-i-m-your-mm-s-wife by a poster called ComingInHot. And in a bit of a vodka fueled moment, I joined to respond.

 

It's an amazing thread well worth a read. And ComingInHot is an amazingly compassionate poster; I wish we saw more of her here these days.

 

Why am I still here? For one, I'm still in my A and interested in others' experiences. And secondly joining set me off on a path of learning. It was a catalyst and is kind of linked in my mind with an awakening of sorts. But also, I kind of got invested in some of the stories and also fond of some of the posters; OW and BS alike.

 

That's my LS story

[truncated]

I'm not a bs, ow , mw or any of the "alphabet soup" of acronyms you see on here.

 

I came here first out of curiosity, and started reading. I'm the first to admit that I don't really "get" people much at all, and I find it helpful to read people's stories to learn more about why people do what they do.

 

I've learned that there is often whole lot more to a person's life narrative than meets the eye, and that everyone has a story to tell.

 

While I can;t say that it has changed any of my fundamental beliefs about what is right, wrong and behavior I will and will not accept in my life, I hope that I am learning to be a bit more compassionate that I was before.

 

One sad truth that I have learned is that there are people out there who really don;t care who they hurt, so long as they get what they feel they are entitled to. I have also found out just how much some people are willing to lie, both to others and themselves, in order to justify their life choices.

 

Fortunately, most don't seem like that. they are simply people making choices. trying to do the best they can with what they know at the time.

[Lovebug66]

I came here as a BS. I had compassion for the OW in my situation really quick after my WH said "it was so easy to manipulate her". Of course I had been living with his manipulation of me for countless years and knew how crappy it made me feel. Reading here gave me insight into that manipulation. It was very clear he was using her. I knew she was in a lot of pain, pain I could really relate to. I realized for my situation (not right for everyone), OW and I should have a chat. I won't lie, sure I was mad at her! But I also realized she was not my enemy, just a lonely, slightly unstable woman who got swept up in my WH bull. He was the problem. That talk with her did a lot of good for the both of us.

 

That was 3 1/2 years ago. I have followed lots of posters here over the years and still do. I felt the need to post one day as I saw a story close to mine in a lot of ways. I wanted to encourage that poster to see that the wife wasnt the enemy, the very manipulative MM was. If they could talk to each other respectfully, MM would lose all the power he had, the house of cards would tumble and everyone (except him, good riddance) would be far better off. My WH tried to get OW and I to hate each other because then his lies wouldn't fall apart and he'd get off easier. It burns my hide when I see the same thing happening here. I try to encourage understanding and positivity. I always try to find more understanding myself.

[Giggle]

I had hoped to bounce thoughts off people having done through something similar and not be skewered on that I'm doing the wrong thing, with the reality that someone who hasn't gone through it doesn't quite get.

 

My family doesn't judge me on it, but I'm sure I hold back more of the negatives when talking to them.

[MissBee]

When I first came to LS it was in fact a "normal" relationship, the first one I had after the A, that brought me here after we broke up and I was devastated and trying to cope. I wasn't on LS during my A.

 

I was on here on and off (mostly because I wasn't ready for the truth of the matter and didn't want to go NC and move on from my ex, which was the feedback I got, and which ultimately was right and I ended up doing). In the entire time I was here on and off I had never even noticed there was an OW/OM section.

 

It was much later, after not being on LS for a while, I even made a new screen name that I found the OW/OM section. I actually came back to LS, to "give back" to the Breaks and Breaking Up Section and to show people there was light at the end of the tunnel and also to say that I was also a reluctant NCer and felt no one "understood" how "different" our breakup was, when in fact it wasn't really that different and NC was quite the trick, so I came back to update and share with people who were where I once was.

 

 

I really noticed the OW/OM section though as I was dating a new guy, who was emotionally unavailable and I was in turmoil over it and had been reading a lot of things on emotional unavailability and realized that pretty much ALL the men I had been with fit that description, including the most obvious, the classic unavailable man: the one married or in a relationship with someone else. That was the first time I really put the A in a context and larger picture as I never really processed it after it ended. I browsed the forum and majority of the threads and stories were like light bulbs to me and seemed to be the usual hallmarks of being with someone unavailable and I started posting here, both to think through my own patterns and specifically A, as well as give advice and support to people who were where I had been.

 

I've said before in other threads that there are some OW I really relate to where I'm like did we date the same person? Or the feelings and thoughts they express are very similar to my own. Then there are others I absolutely don't relate to neither in how our As unfolded or how we think about the A and our feelings and experience. I think I'm probably most helpful to people who I can relate to, even though I try for a balanced outlook based on what people bring to the table as their story. I've also been upfront before that I'm probably not gonna be all that helpful to OW who are happy in the A or want to learn to cope with it...why? I was never a happy OW and hated having to cope so that's anathema to me. However, for the frustrated OW who are struggling or who want to end it, I can relate more to them because of feeling that way myself so just have more advice in that regard.

Edited July 24, 2015 by MissBee