What would your reaction be if your husband gets a hard-on with his brother's gf?

[vernix]

Some of you may remember me from my previous thread. Believe it or not, after we talked, things got better.

 

Please excuse me as English is not my first language.

 

However the issue about sex life did not get better, our sex life is still not active, maybe I'm lucky to do it 1x per two months. I always initiate but no luck. He would always say, "no entry" and he's admitted that he's having a hard time having erection.

 

Today, we are on a 3 week Vacation with his family. One time my husband went inside our room and I noticed his hard-on. When I went out of the room, I realized that his brother and gf visited and saw the gf wearing panty shorts and her cleavage popping out. She's dressed really inappropriate lol.

 

I went back in and pretended that I know nothing. But I knew that he probably got aroused when he saw her.

 

Truth to be told, this is the 3rd time I caught him had a hard-on with his brother's gf. Sometimes, he would stay inside the bathroom for so long and I suspect that he's been masturbating. I suspected this because everytime I go inside it doesn't smell poop and he's been using my wet wipes which he never use when he poop. Sorry for the term.

 

I really feel like my husband thinks I'm an idiot. Our sex life is dry but gets a hard on with other girls. To be honest again, I would say that I'm a confident to say that I am a sexy woman (34-25-37) but I dress decent. I never show too much skin except in the bedroom. Gosh sorry for TMI but I really need your opinion.

 

Do you think my husband is really no longer attracted to me or do I dress up to way he will think that would please his eyes?

 

I really don't want to end up being divorce with this man, but if he'll do one or two more things that could completely kill my confidence as a woman, or making me feel insecure all the time and again and again. Then I'll let you know again if he does it again.

 

For now, I want your opinion on how should I react to my husband's hard on towards other girls. Is this normal with married guys? If not, I want to know your input.

[BetheButterfly]

Is this normal with married guys? If not, I want to know your input.

 

It is not normal in my experience.

 

I personally think it is best for you to divorce him. I'm sorry, but no sex to me would be a covenant-breaker.

 

I don't think you 2 are meant for each other, and I understand how his rejection of you and his lust for his brother's girlfriend hurt you.

 

Marriage shouldn't be a prison that forces one person to be chained to the other. Marriage should be a team, and sex is an important part in marriages when at least one person in the team wants sex... you want sex with him, but he prefers to lust after other women... that's not a good relationship. I'm sorry. I think you deserve being married to a man who truly loves and desires you, and not his brother's girlfriend...

[stillafool]

Yes his brothers girlfriend definitely turns him on. Why don't you tell him what you saw and ask why this happened but you only get sex once a week.

[minimariah]

married guys aren't blind... meaning, they notice other women & get aroused by them. that's not the problem. the problem is that he isn't & can't get aroused by you.

 

super brutal honest opinion - he isn't attracted to you anymore. doesn't really have anything to do with the way you dress... attraction can vanish as easily as it appeared in the 1st place.

 

i'd divorce him -- you tried to work on the problem, gave it your best, didn't work out. & things probably won't get any better.

 

don't let this affect your confidence, my darling. sometimes, attraction is something we cannot explain... that spark that just appears. just because your husband isn't attracted to you -- it doesn't mean that you aren't attractive or sexy. trust me, life is too short -- go find yourself a man who will make you feel desired every minute of every day & who will actually TRY to satisfy your needs.

 

end it before he does.

 

EDIT -- just read your previous threads... divorce him, definitely. he just can't stop disrespecting you + doesn't give a damn about your needs. don't waste any more time with this dude.

Edited July 21, 2015 by minimariah

[d0nnivain]

If your sex life was otherwise satisfying and you got to benefit from his aroused state (even if you weren't the initial cause of it), I'd be more inclined to tell you to calm down.

 

 

Here, if he can't get it up for you when you are initiating but all another woman has to do is walk in the room, something is definitely wrong.

[jwi71]

Some of you may remember me from my previous thread. Believe it or not, after we talked, things got better.

 

Please excuse me as English is not my first language.

 

However the issue about sex life did not get better, our sex life is still not active, maybe I'm lucky to do it 1x per two months. I always initiate but no luck. He would always say, "no entry" and he's admitted that he's having a hard time having erection.

 

Today, we are on a 3 week Vacation with his family. One time my husband went inside our room and I noticed his hard-on. When I went out of the room, I realized that his brother and gf visited and saw the gf wearing panty shorts and her cleavage popping out. She's dressed really inappropriate lol.

 

I went back in and pretended that I know nothing. But I knew that he probably got aroused when he saw her.

 

Truth to be told, this is the 3rd time I caught him had a hard-on with his brother's gf. Sometimes, he would stay inside the bathroom for so long and I suspect that he's been masturbating. I suspected this because everytime I go inside it doesn't smell poop and he's been using my wet wipes which he never use when he poop. Sorry for the term.

 

I really feel like my husband thinks I'm an idiot. Our sex life is dry but gets a hard on with other girls. To be honest again, I would say that I'm a confident to say that I am a sexy woman (34-25-37) but I dress decent. I never show too much skin except in the bedroom. Gosh sorry for TMI but I really need your opinion.

 

Do you think my husband is really no longer attracted to me or do I dress up to way he will think that would please his eyes?

 

I really don't want to end up being divorce with this man, but if he'll do one or two more things that could completely kill my confidence as a woman, or making me feel insecure all the time and again and again. Then I'll let you know again if he does it again.

 

For now, I want your opinion on how should I react to my husband's hard on towards other girls. Is this normal with married guys? If not, I want to know your input.

 

Yes, its normal for a MM to notice other women. Also normal for a MW to notice other guys. The boundaries for appropriate behavior are set by each couple so whatever works for you is...what works for you.

 

My question to you is: why are you asking us?

 

Ask your H!

[MidwestUSA]

Yes his brothers girlfriend definitely turns him on. Why don't you tell him what you saw and ask why this happened but you only get sex once a week.

 

I think she said once every two months!

 

Definite deal breaker.

[OldRover]

Vernix,

 

Don't pay attention to the advice about divorce.... it's WAY too soon for that. I could argue strongly to work on your relationship first and try to make it work.

 

Do little things to please him... give him hugs, perhaps a back rub... find out what he likes. Tell him what you like. If he was attracted to you at one time, most likely that can be rekindled. You have a long way to go before divorce. s

[MidwestUSA]

Vernix,

 

Don't pay attention to the advice about divorce.... it's WAY too soon for that. I could argue strongly to work on your relationship first and try to make it work.

 

Do little things to please him... give him hugs, perhaps a back rub... find out what he likes. Tell him what you like. If he was attracted to you at one time, most likely that can be rekindled. You have a long way to go before divorce. s

 

You might want to have a look at the first thread she made here. Based on that, I'd tell her to divorce ASAP. He didn't marry her because he loves her.

[Tiger Lily]

Sorry for your pain, Vernix. I agree that something is wrong in the relationship, but there could be so many factors at play, it's hard for us to really know what is going on with your H, as he is not here.

 

Vernix,

 

Don't pay attention to the advice about divorce.... it's WAY too soon for that. I could argue strongly to work on your relationship first and try to make it work.

 

Do little things to please him... give him hugs, perhaps a back rub... find out what he likes. Tell him what you like. If he was attracted to you at one time, most likely that can be rekindled. You have a long way to go before divorce.

 

Couldn't agree more. Also, please try counseling before you think about divorce. A therapist might be able to really get to the bottom of any potential communication, anxiety, or relationship barriers that are affecting your sex life. If you don't have access to therapy, at the very least try a self-help book at home.

 

I think you owe it to your marriage, to your vows, and to yourselves to try everything you can before giving up.

 

God bless.

 

You might want to have a look at the first thread she made here. Based on that, I'd tell her to divorce ASAP. He didn't marry her because he loves her.

 

However, it seems to say in her thread that she discussed her concerns before (marriage), which I take to mean she knew about the issue, and decided to get married anyway. Which is almost always the case in marital relationships.

 

I think it is even more important in that case to get therapy. There was a reason the OP committed her life to this man...it would be of benefit to figure out why, and how to overcome any difficulties.

 

I'm of the mind that marital vows should be held to as a very serious covenant.

Edited July 21, 2015 by Tiger Lily

[MidwestUSA]

 

However, it seems to say in her thread that she discussed her concerns before (marriage), which I take to mean she knew about the issue, and decided to get married anyway. Which is almost always the case in marital relationships.

 

I think it is even more important in that case to get therapy. There was a reason the OP committed her life to this man...it would be of benefit to figure out why, and how to overcome any difficulties.

 

 

I must have missed that part. It sounded to me like OP had no idea what she was marrying into. She didn't even move in with him until after the marriage, which took place after a four year LDR (IIRC).

 

His reasons for marrying her sound fishy, but maybe it's just me.

 

Best of luck, OP.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why don't you tell him what you saw and ask why this happened but you only get sex once a week.

 

Agree, best to deal with this directly. I'm not sure at the point what you have to lose. Sit him down...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dolcezza]

Oh sorry to hear this. And boy some men are real pigs, that is for sure. I've never understood this whole 'penis as independent entity' from which a man has no control. It might be possible but that would make that kind of man so different from me, in that I could never become aroused repeatedly to that degree to someone who was socially inappropriate to me. for a man capable of reason and decency, I just don't think this would happen. But it does, some guys are real dogs and it sounds like you have one. I don't think you should necessarily divorce him, but he is a bad dog. This all must be a blow to your self esteem. Now to change how you feel about yourself I say dive into a whole new you. Do a different and better feminine workout, one that will give you a feminine body and something you enjoy. Start doing advanced skin care on your face and body; LED, ultrasound, (there are home devices but if you are rich go to the spa) Get plenty of fresh vegetables. Hormone free protein and organic dairy. Grow your hair longer if it isn't as long as boner girl. Continue to do those things until you are just as hot as this other chick or any other chick. Work on glutes and abs whenever you wonder if you are hot enough. Eventually you will be wondering what to do because you are giving men boners inappropriately. Sorry to say but men can be jerks, even the good ones. They actually treat you better when you spend a load of time and money on making yourself hot. So even if you are already hot, go for hotter. I really hope you follow my advice because you can't lose. Even if you have to divorce from lack of chemistry you will be happy that your are at your best. Good luck.

[OldRover]

Oh sorry to hear this. And boy some men are real pigs, that is for sure. I've never understood this whole 'penis as independent entity' from which a man has no control. It might be possible but that would make that kind of man so different from me, in that I could never become aroused repeatedly to that degree to someone who was socially inappropriate to me. for a man capable of reason and decency, I just don't think this would happen. But it does, some guys are real dogs and it sounds like you have one. I don't think you should necessarily divorce him, but he is a bad dog. This all must be a blow to your self esteem. Now to change how you feel about yourself I say dive into a whole new you. Do a different and better feminine workout, one that will give you a feminine body and something you enjoy. Start doing advanced skin care on your face and body; LED, ultrasound, (there are home devices but if you are rich go to the spa) Get plenty of fresh vegetables. Hormone free protein and organic dairy. Grow your hair longer if it isn't as long as boner girl. Continue to do those things until you are just as hot as this other chick or any other chick. Work on glutes and abs whenever you wonder if you are hot enough. Eventually you will be wondering what to do because you are giving men boners inappropriately. Sorry to say but men can be jerks, even the good ones. They actually treat you better when you spend a load of time and money on making yourself hot. So even if you are already hot, go for hotter. I really hope you follow my advice because you can't lose. Even if you have to divorce from lack of chemistry you will be happy that your are at your best. Good luck.

 

You have great advise on self improvement... but would argue to do that for herself and for her husband, and not to overdo it to the point that she is expecting a hard on from any guy on the street. She should do what HE things is attractive.

 

And your view on men is totally off base. Yes, both men and women can find attraction to someone that is totally unavailable and/or inappropriate to be with. That's human nature. Unfortunately a man's attraction can be a bit more visible (hard on). It's how they handle the situation that makes them a jerk, not the fact that they are human.

[Dolcezza]

Thank you Old Rover, for pointing out how that came across. Sorry, I must correct myself then. MEN are not like this. I know the best kind who do not prioritize any kind of self indulgence over being the kind of men they want to be. They make decisions with their mind, their heart, or their sex drive when appropriate. The difference is that they are in charge and can make good choices. They are still men, very much so. But they would think a guy like that was a "total douche-bag". (That's would be their term, not mine) I was tired when I wrote all that. I should have emphasized that some men are much better. Some men are awesome with very impressive moral codes. Some men have a lot of control over every aspect of their sexuality. but I do stand by the fact that a morally deficient and mediocre kind of man, behaves as his basest animal instincts dictate. My advice was for her if she wants to stay married to that man, and continue having sex with that particular man. The boner part was just a joke. I just don't know how to use this editor yet. This husband sounds like he not master of himself at all. Attempting to try to change that about him is absolutely futile. Changing the way you look will only take about three months and then you can rethink the whole matter. Personally, I would stop sleeping with him altogether and just focus on you and detach yourself from him and his preferences.

[OldRover]

Thank you Old Rover, for pointing out how that came across. Sorry, I must correct myself then. MEN are not like this. I know the best kind who do not prioritize any kind of self indulgence over being the kind of men they want to be. They make decisions with their mind, their heart, or their sex drive when appropriate. The difference is that they are in charge and can make good choices. They are still men, very much so. But they would think a guy like that was a "total douche-bag". (That's would be their term, not mine) I was tired when I wrote all that. I should have emphasized that some men are much better. Some men are awesome with very impressive moral codes. Some men have a lot of control over every aspect of their sexuality. but I do stand by the fact that a morally deficient and mediocre kind of man, behaves as his basest animal instincts dictate. My advice was for her if she wants to stay married to that man, and continue having sex with that particular man. The boner part was just a joke. I just don't know how to use this editor yet. This husband sounds like he not master of himself at all. Attempting to try to change that about him is absolutely futile. Changing the way you look will only take about three months and then you can rethink the whole matter. Personally, I would stop sleeping with him altogether and just focus on you and detach yourself from him and his preferences.

 

Dolcezza,

 

Good points. However, their sex life sucks (1x every other month?). I couldn't live like that at all. So no point stopping sleeping with him when it's practically non existent. Now, if she detaches herself, that's the beginning of the end. I could argue to understand his preferences and work on improving them... as well as hers, so there's an understand and some goals to meet together.

[minimariah]

Now, if she detaches herself, that's the beginning of the end.

 

they are already detached.

 

the beginning of the end had already happened -- with her being disappointed in the M & with him not paying attention and making sure his W is happy + satisfied.

 

it is absolutely devastating watching your partner get aroused with desire just by SEEING another woman & you're doing everything you can and he can't even get it up for you.

 

the resentment is already here, the H doesn't recognize the seriousness of the situation (he never inititates sex)... i mean... you gotta know when to call it quits.

Edited July 22, 2015 by minimariah

[vernix]

I've read all your input and thanks very much. It's really hard to talk to my husband about this because I'm pretty sure he will deny this. Once we get home from our vacation, I will open this up and express my frustration about our sex life and his lust to other women. I've caught him several times as well watching Japanese porn from his browser which I think also explains his lack of desire to me. Instead of saving his energy, he chose to satisfy himself.

 

I would take the advice of making myself to look better for his taste.

[Clockwork]

I am in a committed marriage with my wife and I will admit I have gotten an erection over her sister before. Now, I always think I got the better sister for sure. I lust after my wife like it is going out of style to this day. But have I ever seen my sister in law's cleavage? Sure. It happens. I still got the better sister though.

 

 

He should be having sex with you though.

[DaisyBug]

Oh sorry to hear this. And boy some men are real pigs, that is for sure. I've never understood this whole 'penis as independent entity' from which a man has no control. It might be possible but that would make that kind of man so different from me, in that I could never become aroused repeatedly to that degree to someone who was socially inappropriate to me. for a man capable of reason and decency, I just don't think this would happen. But it does, some guys are real dogs and it sounds like you have one. I don't think you should necessarily divorce him, but he is a bad dog. This all must be a blow to your self esteem. Now to change how you feel about yourself I say dive into a whole new you. Do a different and better feminine workout, one that will give you a feminine body and something you enjoy. Start doing advanced skin care on your face and body; LED, ultrasound, (there are home devices but if you are rich go to the spa) Get plenty of fresh vegetables. Hormone free protein and organic dairy. Grow your hair longer if it isn't as long as boner girl. Continue to do those things until you are just as hot as this other chick or any other chick. Work on glutes and abs whenever you wonder if you are hot enough. Eventually you will be wondering what to do because you are giving men boners inappropriately. Sorry to say but men can be jerks, even the good ones. They actually treat you better when you spend a load of time and money on making yourself hot. So even if you are already hot, go for hotter. I really hope you follow my advice because you can't lose. Even if you have to divorce from lack of chemistry you will be happy that your are at your best. Good luck.

 

 

No offense, Dolcezza, but I find this advice insulting. (First of all, have you read her other thread? Please do. I just did, at least the opening post so far.) Here is a woman who is already attractive and sexually eager, which is more than a lot of men can say they have. The problem is with HIM - there is nothing wrong with HER. Telling a woman she is not doing enough, she needs to do XYZ to make herself even hotter, for an unappreciative douchebag is degrading. He doesn't deserve it! Why is that the answer to everything? "Be more gorgeous! Otherwise the douchebag will leave/won't love you anymore/will stray!" Like this dirtbag is some prize she can't let get away? I love men, but they are not the be-all, end-all. The OP doesn't deserve to live a life of near-celibacy as she watches her husband lust, comment, and pop boners over other women. And I'm not sure what anyone thinks counseling is going to do - that works more for two people who both want to work something out but don't quite know how. Mr. OP knows what he's doing and doesn't care.

 

 

OP, I wish you luck. You sound like a good woman and I'm sorry you ended up with such a loser.