Goodbye Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 My bf and I are exclusive. We must have different ideas of what is appropriate. We are friends on fb but do not communicate that way. Still, when he posts, it shows up on my page. He has hundreds of friends on there, many of whom are women. Today some attractive woman was posting about how the heat was bugging her but she'd not yet turned on her air-conditioning (yes, genius). He responded something along the lines of "Well now you are a hot blonde." I told him I didn't like it and he apologized, but I don't think he gets why I think this is insulting. Not to mention we are older...we are both middle aged parents of teenagers...flirting on fb is just....yuck. Or, am I being ridiculous? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I think you are being ridiculous. FB is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. His comment was a play on words. He chose to date YOU not her. Some throw away comment on FB is hardly a reason to end an otherwise good relationship. However, if you can't see past this do break up with him, not because what he said was wrong but because you two are fundamentally incompatible in how you view the world. Also consider unfollowing him so everything he says & does on FB does not show up in your news feed. If you don't see it, it shouldn't make you crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm with d0nnovain. You're being ridiculous. Dude is just engaging in some banal Facebook banter. He's dating you. Not them. Seriously, the dude wakes up each morning and decides to date you. He doesn't have to. But he does. And you choose to date him. Remember that. It is a constant affirmation. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 FB like the rest of social media is a ton of people running round attempting to convince each their their lives are not mundane. Don't take much seriousness in what FB has to offer, for it's not REAL.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 Yes, maybe i'm being ridiculous. However, I agree that it is just an indication that we are fundamentally different. This, along with some other things which have been nagging me, will likely lead to the demise of our relationship. I will miss it, but I'd rather end it than wind of being some bickering couple. He can go say stupid sh*t to women he barely knows on FB and I can find someone a bit more serious about real life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I disagree. I know it seems harmless, but I feel that it's very disrespectful. Flirting with another woman on social media for all to see is not something I agree with. I would never comment on another man calling him "hot" on Facebook for my partner and all his friends to see that. I feel that it would make me look bad...as well as my partner. It's unnecessary, and can be embarrassing and hurtful for the partner. If I saw a friend's boyfriend do this, I wouldn't like it. Both my boyfriend and I agree that flirting with others is a no go, not because of trust issues, but because we feel that it is a matter of respect. Different couples have different ideas on what is okay and what is not. But OP feels that blatant and public flirting with other women is crossing a line for her, and that's more than okay! I think you have every right to feel how you're feeling here OP, and I hope your partner acknowledges this and stops the flirting out of respect for your feelings. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Heer Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Hello, Personally I feel that it is disrespectful of your bf to post that on FB, however I really wouldn't push it any further other than telling him that you don't like it. I would probably pick my battles and since the comment was more of a sarcastic comment rather than a flirtatious one I'll probably give him a pass on this one. I feel that its probably not worth getting into a fight based on this situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I agree with the first posters, YABU. It's a harmless joke. Now if he'd said it to her in a private message then that would be different. But posting in public on a friend's facebook status, that is not flirtatious, it's just a pun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 I agree with the first posters, YABU. It's a harmless joke. Now if he'd said it to her in a private message then that would be different. But posting in public on a friend's facebook status, that is not flirtatious, it's just a pun. And how would I know if he was pm'ing her? The point is that "trivial" flirting breaks down trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I agree with the first posters, YABU. It's a harmless joke. Now if he'd said it to her in a private message then that would be different. But posting in public on a friend's facebook status, that is not flirtatious, it's just a pun. Rationalizing now, are we all? Banal Facebook banter my ear. Harmless joke my foot. So, it's ok for the OP's boyfriend to openly flirt on a strange woman's FB page, but it's not ok if he PM'd her? It's not ok either way. So, I disagree. It's disrespectful that the OP's boyfriend posted a flirty comment on Facebook to some tart he barely knows. Doesn't matter if it's Facebook or in person. At least the OP called her boyfriend out on his tacky behavior. They are after all, adults with their own teenage children. The OP's boyfriend was clearly acting like one. More than a sign that you're fundamentally different from your boyfriend OP, I think it's a sign that he doesn't respect you or the relationship with you. At his age (old enough to have a teenage child) he knows better. What an as*. That would irritate me too. How long have you two been together? What are the other problems you've been having? Maybe this Facebook comment is the last straw for you? Sounds like it may be. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Harmless or not, it's not really appropriate. Now if it was someone he has known for years, then I can see it's friendly banter amongst friends....but a stranger? that spells danger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 Rationalizing now, are we all? Banal Facebook banter my ear. Harmless joke my foot. So, it's ok for the OP's boyfriend to openly flirt on a strange woman's FB page, but it's not ok if he PM'd her? It's not ok either way. So, I disagree. It's disrespectful that the OP's boyfriend posted a flirty comment on Facebook to some tart he barely knows. Doesn't matter if it's Facebook or in person. At least the OP called her boyfriend out on his tacky behavior. They are after all, adults with their own teenage children. The OP's boyfriend was clearly acting like one. More than a sign that you're fundamentally different from your boyfriend OP, I think it's a sign that he doesn't respect you or the relationship with you. At his age (old enough to have a teenage child) he knows better. What an as*. That would irritate me too. How long have you two been together? What are the other problems you've been having? Maybe this Facebook comment is the last straw for you? Sounds like it may be.[/quote We've been together for 8 months. We have not had other problems really. There have been some comments about women I've let slide, but this one stung for whatever reason. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 So, during the past 8 months he's made other flirty comments to women that you let slide? There's the issue. By not commenting that his past flirty comments towards those other women have bothered you, you've let your boyfriend think it's ok for him to keep doing that, offline or online. Don't be afraid to speak up when things he does bothers you. If he knows that flirting with other women bothers you -- even if he thinks its harmless -- he will stop doing it, if he respects you. But if he keeps doing it, after you've told him that it bothers you, well, that's pretty insensitive on his part. Link to post Share on other sites
yellowhibiscus Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I personally think it is disrespectful. Ask him how he would feel if roles were reversed. I have a very similar experience in which my ex boyfriend was commenting on an old high school friend's pictures and calling her hot and putting hearts. I brought it up to him and he thought it was no big deal. I told him it was a big deal to ME, and still he didn't care. I ended up breaking it off with him because we just fundamentally thought different about this. I, too, am older with a child and this kind of stuff is just non sense and childish IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 It depends on who he's making these comments to. Friends of 20 years? Okay. Women he barely knows? Not okay. I've seen my friends' BFs/Hs talk like this on FB, and I'm usually mortified for them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 So, during the past 8 months he's made other flirty comments to women that you let slide? There's the issue. By not commenting that his past flirty comments towards those other women have bothered you, you've let your boyfriend think it's ok for him to keep doing that, offline or online. Don't be afraid to speak up when things he does bothers you. If he knows that flirting with other women bothers you -- even if he thinks its harmless -- he will stop doing it, if he respects you. But if he keeps doing it, after you've told him that it bothers you, well, that's pretty insensitive on his part. No, he hasn't flirted with others. He has made a couple of comments about women he has found attractive. The first time I let it slide, the second time I told him "not with me." Some women don't care, some women find it fun...I don't. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 It depends on who he's making these comments to. Friends of 20 years? Okay. Women he barely knows? Not okay. I've seen my friends' BFs/Hs talk like this on FB, and I'm usually mortified for them. Don't know the context of his relationship. I'm not sure even if it was a long term friend I'd be happy about it. In the 8 months we've been dating, he has never mentioned her or brought her up in conversation. I looked at her profile and it says "single." I'm just very different. My fb "friends" are people I know. I use it more to keep tabs on what my kids are doing than anything. It kind of creeps me out when people my age use it as a social outlet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 No, he hasn't flirted with others. He has made a couple of comments about women he has found attractive. The first time I let it slide, the second time I told him "not with me." Some women don't care, some women find it fun...I don't. This is why I think you two may be incompatible. It clearly really does bother you. While I remain in the camp of it's no big deal, since you find it to be a big deal, you need to find somebody who shares that perspective or at least is willing to change his behavior to accommodate your wishes. Accordingly this guy may not be your guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I think the red flag for YOU is the fact he has a ton of women on his FB friends list. This is a pretty good indicator of what type of guy he is. There is no point in making him CHANGE for you. It is what it is. I agree this is a compatibility issue. This doesn't meet your expectations, so you should be finding someone who does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I think you have every right to say something to him. Ask him what he would think if you made similar comments to guy friends? One day I found my wife doing all kinds of Facebook activities and many I found to be embarrassing to not only her but to me as a husband so I know how you feel. One guy who I found her privately chatting she had publicly posted something along the lines of "Happy Birthday you incredible man you!!!! Adorable awesome and one of the greatest men on this planet!!! You rock and roll MR!!!!! Check in when you get a chance Facebook man you!!!". She reads that back now and sees how over the top and embarrassing that was. As her husband I felt betrayed in a way. But as noted above the real problem comes in if he is privately chatting women. That is were he crosses the line. Have a conversation with him and ask him what he thinks is acceptable behavior and mention where you draw the line. Wish you the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 I think you have every right to say something to him. Ask him what he would think if you made similar comments to guy friends? One day I found my wife doing all kinds of Facebook activities and many I found to be embarrassing to not only her but to me as a husband so I know how you feel. One guy who I found her privately chatting she had publicly posted something along the lines of "Happy Birthday you incredible man you!!!! Adorable awesome and one of the greatest men on this planet!!! You rock and roll MR!!!!! Check in when you get a chance Facebook man you!!!". She reads that back now and sees how over the top and embarrassing that was. As her husband I felt betrayed in a way. But as noted above the real problem comes in if he is privately chatting women. That is were he crosses the line. Have a conversation with him and ask him what he thinks is acceptable behavior and mention where you draw the line. Wish you the best. Yes, I spoke with him about it last night. He initially acted surprised and dismayed but then said he would be more respectful. That he would try to be more appropriate...didn't mean to offend. Bottom line is I don't want to CHANGE anyone to make him a suitable match. I guess I can sit down with him when I get home and we can go over what boundaries are acceptable for both of us. Still, this was ok to him. He was apologetic, but it represents (I think) a different way of thinking and interacting. While the content may not have been very offensive, it is more the mind set. No, he didn't say "Hey babe, you have a great a$$...call me." However, the tone was that of being a single, flirtatious man. I just want a man who is more dignified than that. I guess that is the end of the story really. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Ask him how he would feel if roles were reversed. Whatever you do, don't do this! He will simply say, "I wouldn't care if you said that, because I trust you". How do you reply to that? "What if the roles were reversed" is often best left as a thought experiment rather than an actual question to ask someone. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 We've been together for 8 months. We have not had other problems really. There have been some comments about women I've let slide, but this one stung for whatever reason. After 8 months, the only thing this guy did wrong was 2 stupid comments? And now he gets kicked to the curb? Have you never made comments to ANYONE about someone elses appearance in any relationship? Guys sometimes say stupid things, but Men do not DO stupid things. Thats really harsh. You do teach people how to treat you, but the punishment should fit the crime. Maybe you are just not really into him and have looking for a exit. I think you are right. You are not compatible. It might be better for you both to go your seperate ways. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Yes that's right he will do it more discretely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Yes, I spoke with him about it last night. He initially acted surprised and dismayed but then said he would be more respectful. That he would try to be more appropriate...didn't mean to offend. Bottom line is I don't want to CHANGE anyone to make him a suitable match. I guess I can sit down with him when I get home and we can go over what boundaries are acceptable for both of us. Still, this was ok to him. He was apologetic, but it represents (I think) a different way of thinking and interacting. While the content may not have been very offensive, it is more the mind set. No, he didn't say "Hey babe, you have a great a$$...call me." However, the tone was that of being a single, flirtatious man. I just want a man who is more dignified than that. I guess that is the end of the story really. I hope when he said that it didn't mean "I just need to make sure she doesn't see my posts anymore". You are right you shouldn't have to CHANGE anyone but sometimes the person doesn't even know how disrespectful they are. When my wife hid Facebook activities from me and was busted she agreed that married couples shouldn't have guy friends whose husband didn't know well so she removed them all and gave me the keys to her Facebook account. Now everything is an open book including her cell phone so there are no questions. If she had refused then I would have been concerned about other activities. Since you guys aren't married I think you just need to tell him how you feel and trust. If he betrays your trust then you have some thinking to do. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts