Married 8 months and just found out husband has $30k in debt from gambling

[pisces76]

This is the first time I have ever logged into a chat room. The reason I am doing it is because I have never been so confused in my life. I recently was married about 8 months ago. To someone that I had been dating for over 5 years. I thought I knew him really well. I knew that there one was thing that he did like to do when given the chance was gambling. He has only been to Vegas a handful of times but when he goes he lights up like a xmas tree. He also enjoys betting on horses and football game. This is something that I always new about and he did more frequently when we were right out of college. But he still would go to the derby every year and participate in a super bowl bet.

 

Well it was not until recently that I found out he had serious debt. What I thought was $16,000 in credit card debt turns out to be $30,000. When I asked why he lied to me he said that he was embarrassed and did not want to upset me before our wedding. What he tried to do is basically tried to get rid of it and in turn pretty much doubled it. He promised me that he would take care of it and that he would not lie again. So I want to believe him...

 

One month after this we both new in the back of our minds that they his company was going to Vegas for a trip that was a reward to the sales reps for meeting their quota. Knowing this I tried to be straight forward and tell him that i feel he deserves this trip and i want to have fun. But lets agree on an amount that we both feel comfortable with for gambling money. So we both said $1000....and everything was fine he went and had fun. Admitted that he did not win and then told me that he lost $1100. Okay, I was fine with that and did not want to be a nagging wife and did not ask anymore questions.

 

This morning driving to work I just had this feeling that he was not being truthful. So I decided to text message him out of the blue and ask him to tell me really how much did he lose. He calls me right away and asks why...he then admits that he lost $2500. I haven't talked to him since. I am so sick to my stomach about this whole ordeal. He is a wonderful man and I really love him. He works extremely hard and does well. But I cannot handle the idea of dishonesty. What do I do? Do I get out? So confused.

[Auz]

From what you tell us there are three main points here:

 

1) He is addicted to gambling

 

2) I believe he still loves you, and isnt doing it to purposely hurt your marriage. Its an addiction...just like any drug or alcohol.

 

3) I believe you still love him, and want to sort this out.

 

What you need to do, is get in touch with one of the Gambling hotlines in your area, where you can talk with a trained person who can help you out. They can tell you how to approach the situation, how to talk to him, get him onto a program, and hopefully stop further problems.

 

I believe deep down he is probably ashamed of it - and I believe the reason he ahsnt told you, isnt because he doesnt love you, but because he does. The first step to getting through this, is both of you being able to admit that it is an addiction. But how you get to that point is for the trained proffesionals to help you, not us.

 

Dont tell him that you want to go for help. Maybe call them when you are alone, and let them advise you how to approach him, so that you dont make a mess of things. You are in the good situation, that you havent done anything rash, and can approach the problem from the right direction straight away.

 

Unfortunately, thats all the advice I think anyone here can give you - unless theyve been through it themselves.

 

All the best of luck.

 

Auz

[portableversion]

My co-worker used to be a blackjack dealer in St. Louis Missouri, she saw plenty of instances of people who were addicted to gambling. She saw wives come in and beg and plea with the hubby to come back home and stop loosing money--real sad stories like that. Auz is right gambling addiction is serious and can be very destructive. 30k is serious money to lose on a gaming. hopefully counseling will work but if not you can be reassured that you will have no retirement at all. you'll be 85 and have to get a job at Walmart as a door greeter.

[bicyclejunk]

I'm just curious why you would

let him ever gamble again, when he lost

30,000 dollars by gambling it away and

then he still gets to go on a trip to Vegas

and lose a 1000 more and that's okay with you?

No Offense.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't have the

patience for couseling or couple couseling or waiting around

for him to go to Gambling Addicts anonymous. 30,000 dollars

is more than most couples starting out, ever dream about having.

 

I'd leave the dude behind, because honestly, Lying and keeping

something like this from you, even from the start of your life

together, just predicts problems in the future. It's clear he doesn't

care, if he did, he'd stop. It's a cop-out to say I Need Help and go

to counseling in order to keep your love. He didn't Have to get himself

in that trouble. He did it to himself and lied to you the first time.

The second time, he did it to both of you.

[Auz]

Bicyclejunk, I dont think you understand how powerful an addiction can be.

[Mz. Pixie]

This is a sickness, not something he chose.

 

Just like alcholism.

 

The issue is if she wants to put forth the effort that it will take, and the possible heartache that she will endure to get through this. That's a decision that only she can make.

 

My heart aches for you. I live near gaming and I can tell you- I've seen kids go to school without lunch money and people commit suicide over gambling addiction. They have lost their business, their marriages. It's sad.

[billybadass36]

$30,000 is something that, if nipped in the bud right NOW, can be overcome. You don't piss away a marriage over $30,000 if he's willing to make it right and to not gamble anymore. Gambling isn't a form of entertainment for this guy, it's a problem.

 

It amazes me how people are so quick to advise others to walk away from a marriage because of a problem. A $30,000 debt, in my opinion, is not as bad as say, an affair. But that's not to say that it's trivial either. Get his $hit together and you two can get through this, but he's going to have to swear on a stack of bibles that he won't gamble anymore, PERIOD. Make it clear to him that it's unacceptable to gamble in any amount and that if he does, it will have clear consequences because you do not feel like losing your house or your kids' college educations.

[New_Wife]

My Husband had a problem with this as well. It wasn't a full-fleged addiction, but it had definite undertones of it. He got on a good winning streak over a few days and decided he had a foolproof system. Well, you know how those are...I voiced my concern while he was still on the winning end, and he listened, but more or less poo-poo'd me. The very next day, he dropped a couple hundred in the casino when his foolproof system was demonstrated to be anything but.

 

In any event, I was very lucky because he came home and said "I have something to tell you." and confessed the loss and said he didn't want it to have been a problem, but it was looking like maybe it was. We were already in counseling, so this was a new topic we added for discussion, and I can honestly say it hasn't been a problem since. But the writing on the wall was clear.

 

Anyway, I can see where gambling would be such an insidious addiction, because in those casinos they always offer the happy hand of hope. Just one more spin, one good roll, one good hand and you're set. You're winning, you're up! It's not like alcohol or drugs - it's completely socially acceptable. They have flashy lights, give away cars, etc. They're just giving free money away, right?

 

Yeah, I can completely see the draw there. Which is more or less why I don't go but now and again when I've got a small amount of cash I wouldn't mind losing. No more.

 

In your position I'd head off to MC and get referrals to Gambling Anonymous for your husband. Before you decide, find out exactly what you are and are not working with.

[scarlyjones]

Some people are so ignorant when it comes to addiction. Gambling is a high like any other high. Grabs you,..holds you,....its a means to forget your problems,..if only for a short while. Just like drinking. Or coke, or any other drug out there. It was a very ignorant statement from "Bicyclejunk" Quote: Its clear he doesnt care, if he did, he'd stop" Its just not that easy. Ever try not biting your nails when you were a kid? Before you even realized it, you were doing it again. Your Mom or Grandma told you,...if you keep doing that, you'll bite too far down and it will bleed and hurt real bad. You continued, not because you didnt care,...but, because you fell back into a familiar "safezone" habit. Somewhere you felt comfortable even if the outcome was negative. In addicts minds,....even if the destination is hell,....the ride there can be a real blast.

[bicyclejunk]

So i offended so many....We all have different opinions, don't we?

isn't that what makes us Individuals? i'll stay out of this one.

[scarlyjones]

No,...actually this is pure FACT. Your "opinion" is based on ignorance of the subject. You cant say "In my opinion,...October is in the Summer" Its not fact. If you have NEVER been addicted to anything,...how can you even BEGIN to comment on what it takes to overcome one?

[bicyclejunk]

Well, quite honestly it's also

ignorant of you to assume i've never been

addicted to anything.

 

And, Do we have all the FACTS, really? We don't know

what's going thru this man's mind.

 

We also don't know the severity of his "so-called"

addiction. Only HE does. We only know what she has told us. So we can

only give our opinions based on what we know. We don't

know that he has a psychological Gambling problem. Some of

us have assumed that he should go seek help and get couseling,

because some of us have ruled already that He "Is" Addicted.

[scarlyjones]

Hey Einstein,..............anyone who turns $15,000 debt into $30,000 because he "was trying to get out of the hole" has a gambling problem. Its defined that way. Anyone who trys to use gambling to try in get out of major financial trouble they got into BECAUSE of gambling,....has a Gambling problem? Agreed?

[scarlyjones]

Havent you ever hear problem gamblers say things like "All I need is one good lucky streak" or "Dont worry,...I'll win it all back on THIS hand" ?? Duh.....

[tiki]

Pisces76, would it be different if he were a winning gambler?

[bicyclejunk]

yeah, what's your point?

[tiki]

Did you reply to my question? Because my question is to the OP.

 

But if you are replying to me, my point is that it's conditional pissiness as to whether or not he's winning.

 

If he had won a million dollars, she'd want him. Even if he was a gambler. But because he has LOST money, instead of WON money, he's the sh*tty one. I find that funny, the fact that her pissiness is based on his luck.

 

OP: Nonetheless, he should stop. Google some help for gambling addiction and go from there.

[scarlyjones]

thats sarcasm, right?

[tiki]

Yeah...I was just finding it humourous that really, if he were a successful gambler and had hit the jackpot, that it would be okay.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by bicyclejunk

And, Do we have all the FACTS, really? We don't know

what's going thru this man's mind.

 

We also don't know the severity of his "so-called"

addiction. Only HE does. We only know what she has told us. So we can

only give our opinions based on what we know. We don't

know that he has a psychological Gambling problem. Some of

us have assumed that he should go seek help and get couseling,

because some of us have ruled already that He "Is" Addicted.

 

Having been addicted to multiple substances, activities, and having had extenstive experience with rehab, private counselling, etc. - your attitude is a common one, and a clear indicator of a poor understanding of the nature of addiction. An addict - will always be an addict. They will always want that high they got, and once you have gotten that high, normal life seems grey. You have to adjust to a life of less stimulation. Recent research indicates that addicts have a chemical imbalance in their brain that makes them "stimuli resistant" - they don't get as excited or stimulated as a normal person does, when presented with normal-level stimuli. They tend to be risk taking, or seek out chemical based highs, to actually feel something.

 

Addiction recovery is a lifelong process. The addict, as well as his loved ones, must always be aware that the potential to slide back into old habits always exists, especially when there is emotional stress.