healing process

[mossycup]

Hi All,

 

Wow, I can't believe I haven't been on this site in 2 days! After I think 10. 5 weeks (OMG I can't even remember exactly how long since the BU - now that's progress) I do have more times where I just forget his existence. Last week I had a huge breakthru, recognizing how much I need and want love, and somehow this let me let him go more (I think because when we were together, we always tried to be so "spiritual" and not "need" each other, but once I acknowledged I DID need him and desperately miss him, suddenly my healing and moving forward could happen profoundly). I notice when I think of him, pain, but I am not inclined or compelled as often to think of him. OMG EFFIN RELIEVING lol!

 

Anyway, so, I feel like I have crossed some sort of line where I am ME again - I feel present and soulful, wherease for the past two months I've felt broken, damaged, spaced out, disconnected in many ways! In the moment, I can just sit and be peaceful, rather than any downtime includes emotional anguish about him. I can't tell you how good this feels, like after being sick, and getting well again. Last wednesday I just watched a snail climb some blades of grass for half an hour in the park, and when he got to the top, just kind of wave his head around, surveying his domain, and it felt like the most peaceful and lovely moment.

 

I want to share something though and I wonder if other people have this. I now seem to be going through a sort of physical unwellness. I think it makes sense - when I am really traumatized and high stress/misery/anxiety, I tend not to get sick, because my body is in survival mode. Then when things calm down again, I get cold symptoms. They kicked in on Friday last week and I actualy felt grateful! If my body feels like it is unwell, then that means my mind is healed enough to allow it!

 

I also started back on my habit of drinking fresh lemon juice each morning, which is good for the system. The cold symptoms started just like tired/brain fog, and now there is a bit of just feeling gross not quite nauseas but kind of just gross on the cellular level. Appetite not strong. So it occurred to me, between the healing and the lemon juice, maybe I am detoxing from stress.

 

That's a interesting idea. I'm just resting alot (and that's possible now, since I don't feel overcome with pain when I stop being active, yay!) and I will continue to let my body/mind heal on this journey.

Edited July 21, 2015 by mossycup

[Morphine]

I can't wait when I feel like this!

[15Love]

Does sound like a bit of detox! Good for you!

 

So glad you're beginning to heal Keep us posted, it gives me hope!

[mossycup]

So today I finally looked up the course description for the spiritual weekend seminar my ex went on and then dumped me. Those of you who know my story know that we were very happy and grounded together, then he got upset around moving intogether, and went on this weekend, and then broke up with me saying such lovely things as "i love everyone, you could have been anyone, ok i admit you were a bit special" and "i just need to be alone with God and love everyone". I know that he was saying that stuff as a way to deal with his fear of moving in/change/growing up (still lives at home and never left at 35) but I am still feeling pissy at that stupid new age bull****. Anyway, reading that course description made me so mad, especially this line:

 

[COLOR=#000000]“When you are sad, know this need not be. Depression comes from a sense of being deprived of something you want and do not have. Remember you are deprived on nothing, except by your own decisions, and then decide otherwise.” A Course In Miracles, Text Ch.4, IV-3,1-3

 

ARRRRGHHHHHH.

 

Yeah ok I'm definitely CHOOSING to be sad!! I'm choosing to feel like my soul is being ripped apart and my heart broken and i struggle just to even make sense of the meaning of love and trust! I'm choosing to walk around every day with this weight in my heart, missing him, and this anger and pain and confusion! I hate this crap, it's supposed to make people feel empowered, but really it just denies our vulnerability and humanity. I doubly hate it for how my ex used it to make himself feel spiritual and mature when he was doing something ridiculously hurtful.

 

I know, I'm just angry and hurt because he left me so suddenly after such a long time of telling me I was his soulmate and so many months of happiness together.

 

But also, realistically, I think this **** is dangerous because it gives people a way to avoid the reality that being human and loving people can be deeply painful and cause us to feel complex, dark, scary, powerful feelings we can't just wish away through positive thinking. I feel like true humanity/religion takes place in that really dark, lost place where you just have to live and breathe through agonizing loss and love. Really sit with how much you loved a person and how they are gone and there is nothing you can do about it. And get through that, with God or yourself or a friend or whatever, but not just "decide" to get over it.

 

I feel like I want to write to that new age guru who ran that course and tell him to shove it.

 

I feel like I want to ask him, have you ever been through a betrayal so massive you realized that you in fact DON'T have ultimate mastery over your own mind and heart, and that life is actually far greater, cruler, more random and mysterious (while also very wonderful and good) than your words make it out to be.

 

I'm not looking for a God who says I can just decide to feel better. I'm looking for a God who sits down and cries next to me until I slowly, slowly heal, but the battle scars remain.

 

Ok, vent over! Now back to being mature, loving, accepting etc. And I know that the people who promote this type of things really ARE just trying to help. So I appeciate that.

 

I just feel like I can't relate to that stuff right now.

[/COLOR]

[changeofseasons]

I know you really loved this guy but being 35 and still living at home should be a bit of a red flag, maybe you should look at this a bit more logically and figure out he might have not been the best for you.

[SycamoreCircle]

It's very common to want to blame a third party for the demise of your relationship(and that third party can be an ideology, if you prefer) but eventually you will come to terms with the reality that the person left of their own free will. They made a choice. And the choice wasn't you.

 

It takes time but at some point the impending, intruding questions will cease to need answering. You will start to accept that things weren't as rosy as you initially understood them to be.

[mossycup]

Hi All,

 

I can't remember if I posted on this topic before. I've been off the forum for a while as I began to consider that my ex might be a narcissist and so I have been at an online support group on that topic which has been good. I'm really still not sure, he showed many signs, but other indicators weren't there.

 

Anyway, today I am back with a more general question. At the 3 and a half months NC period, my ex "liked" a star trek related posting on my wall. I had heard nothing from him, recall, since about 2 months earlier when he had "liked" to posting on my work page (which I admin) and a hurtfully casual email congratulating me on a work project I'd posted online, to which I responded with one line thank you a week later.

 

I believe the term we give these actions are "breadcrumbs" and today I am curiuous about what they mean.

 

But first I want to rant a bit from my own perspective: this man absolutely devastated me in a traumatically unexpected braek up in which he took back every thing he said he felt for me, pretty much, and we were already engaged. It was literally almost insanity inducing. GIGS was maybe a factor, NPD, lots of possibilities here. But no communicaiton since but for these facebook connections.

 

I'm far enough in my healing where I am not torn apart anymore. Things are slowly moving forward even though I think of him ALOT. I'm interested in another man although it's not really going anywhere cuz I'm probably not ready to date. Mostly I'm focusing on friendship, redecorating my place (New bedroom set arrives today!!!!), work, and challenging myself to new things (taking salsa lessons this fall!).

 

So I feel more reflective as I think of these facebook interactions, rather than totally freaked out.

 

Why? Why do it? Maybe for him it means nothing, just another like. How could a person be so selfish not to realize how much another person cares for him and how affected she might be?

 

Some people tell me it's his way of opening a door. How can a 35 year old man serioiusly think that one facebook like is opening a door, esp after the depth of honesty IN our relationship and then the depth of coldness on the way out? The gesture is so small in comparison to the injury that I couldn't actually even SEE it as a "reach out" until others told me it might be. And if it IS, what am I supposed to do with that? Like something back, poke him, flirt grade 7 style? This is a form of immaturity I can't even imagine myself acting out.

 

Maybe he just wants to feel good about himself like he's "acting normally like friendly" with me. That makes me feel angry I guess because there is nothing normal about our relationship right now, where he never spoke ot me like ahuman being again.

 

I try not to think about it so much because it builds up to this level of epic frustration, but if I was to take a deep breath, I might allow myself to be speculate on what is happening for him. It's all very embarassing to me, I feel pathetic for even caring, but, I do not have to own that feeling - he is the one who broke up very dramatically and then now communicates like a 12 year old. I'm just weathering it as best I can, not responding in any way.

 

Anyway, I'd love to hear thoughts on why exes do this. Don't worry, I'm not going to break NC and I'm honestly not spending ALOT of time on this, but I'd like to have a conversation about it.

Edited August 22, 2015 by mossycup

[Stage5Clinger]

I do this to make girls think about me sometimes. Never ego tripping but honestly looking to reconnect.

[mossycup]

Thanks for that honest reply. When you do this, what would be the expected reply from the girl - what are you hoping will happen next? What would you ideally like her to do?

 

I'm not looking for advice on what I should do, I just want to understand what a person is hoping for when they communicate this way.

[Raena]

I've gotten to the point where I stopped thinking that people "liking" something I posted had anything at all to do with me and everything to do with them. They saw something they liked and liked it. It's that simple. I figure if I look at it that way, the the anxiety of why did he like this after not talking to me forever and treating me like crap goes away. Maybe it will for you too. The only other thought is... if it bothers you so much, why not just block or restrict or unfriend him for now so that he can't see what you are doing?

[Smitten and Bitten]

Hi mossycup. My ex-wife (technically still my wife, long stupid story) is almost certainly a narcissist, and she did the same thing. When she decided she didn't want to be married anymore she said and did a lot of terrible things; She basically destroyed the marriage in a child's tantrum. Well, a few months later she sent me a friend request. At the time I was just as confused as you.

 

You said you suspect your ex is a narcissist so let's assume he is: He'd be thrilled if he knew you were pondering the meaning of those "likes". Yes, he wants to feel good about himself, "See? I'm showing that I can still be civil, even though she's my ex", he might be saying to himself. If you don't accept this "olive branch" then he can also tell himself that he's the better person. And since "likes" are public other people will see what a great guy he is, so there's the audience he needs.

 

You said there was a lot of honesty in your relationship. Was there really? Just something to think about. Narcissists have a way of keeping your trust even while they lie about nearly everything. Even if he's not a narcissist, normal people don't destroy relationships the way he did then offer some, as you said, gesture so small in comparison to the injury. You should be grateful that he had that meltdown when he did. Imagine if that had happened after you were married!

[mossycup]

@Smitten and Bitten - Good analysis. Yes, that makes a lot of sense. In his wierd break up with me, it seemed very important to him that he "love everybody and be with God". he said that after all the things about why he no longer/never loved me. He said he was going to devote his life to spiritually loving all beings. So I can see that maybe the occasional like on my FB page is his way of saying, I love you as much as a long all beings, here is my kindness to you as I am kind to all beings.

[mossycup]

@raena I have a hard time defriending people. I know eventually there will come a time when I will want access to his profile. At some point I will be over him enough the fb observing him will be enjoyable on some level. So I save it for that time. Secondly there is a big drama to defriending someone and I don't want to give him any information about myself that I can help. Defriending him lets him know I'm thinking about him and I'd rather he thought I didn't even notice. I did however keep him from my newsfeed so I just don't see his posts.

[Learningtowalkagain]

This is exactly why you unfriend ex's from social media.

 

OP from your post you said he hurt you. You should have unfriended him immediately after you two decided to call it quits.

 

And just for the record, I'm still friends with some of my ex's on social media, but they're ex's from years ago. My most recent ex got the axe as soon as I reactivated my account.

[Fleur de cactus]

Sorry you are hurt. If your ex has behaviors close to NPD you should block him long ago, otherwise he will continue bothering you. Unless this is what you want: to hear from him, to check his wall to see what is going on in his life, however, it will continue to destroy you. By my experience, he does not care really, block him if you do not want to be bothered and if you want to heal.

[mossycup]

This relationships has screwed up my thinking a great deal. Past exes weren't so extreme, but when they told me it was over, i believed them, because their words rang true. His did not. Nothing makes sense. You'd think I'd want to get away from someone like this, but instead I keep seeing him as a wonderful if damage person, waiting for him to realize his mistakes so he can come back and win back my love, go to therapy etc. It's devastating to recognize that that is some hollywood story in my head, and that the man I love and trusted is possibly just a really unhealthy person who I would never want in my life again.

 

However I do have to try to let go, as best I can, be gentle, but let go.

[Morphine]

block, block, block.

 

This makes life so much easier! I have blocked my ex everywhere, apart from email, because I figured she would create a separate email account and email me anyway....but block social medial and phone number!

[Smitten and Bitten]

@Smitten and Bitten - Good analysis. Yes, that makes a lot of sense. In his wierd break up with me, it seemed very important to him that he "love everybody and be with God". he said that after all the things about why he no longer/never loved me. He said he was going to devote his life to spiritually loving all beings. So I can see that maybe the occasional like on my FB page is his way of saying, I love you as much as a long all beings, here is my kindness to you as I am kind to all beings.

 

Oh good lord. Well he must have wanted to get one more grand act in as a colossal douche before he started loving everything.

 

This relationships has screwed up my thinking a great deal. Past exes weren't so extreme, but when they told me it was over, i believed them, because their words rang true. His did not. Nothing makes sense. You'd think I'd want to get away from someone like this, but instead I keep seeing him as a wonderful if damage person, waiting for him to realize his mistakes so he can come back and win back my love, go to therapy etc. It's devastating to recognize that that is some hollywood story in my head, and that the man I love and trusted is possibly just a really unhealthy person who I would never want in my life again.

 

However I do have to try to let go, as best I can, be gentle, but let go.

 

That kind of person does screw with your thinking, that's why it's so hard to get over them; They get the wheels turning, you try to come up with a reasonable explanation for their behavior but there isn't one. So you just keep thinking and thinking. It's an addictive, unsolvable puzzle. It doesn't help that these people cause you to question yourself. "Did I do something wrong?", "Could I have helped them?". The answers are no to both. Soon you'll be asking yourself, "How could I have been fooled so easily?". The answer to that one is that they're very good at fooling the people they want to fool.

 

I agree with the other posters; Unfriend and block. I guess unfriending someone technically shows you're thinking about them, but it also shows that you want nothing to do with them. THE END. And there will never be a good reason for you to look at his Facebook page, even for "entertainment". If you do it just means you're still trying to solve the puzzle, and that he still has some kind of control over you.

[Fleur de cactus]

Honey, I am not asking you to do it right now, but at the end, you will not have peace or healed as long you continue to want this relationship. N are like the way you describe. They leave confusion behind them, because in your mind you wonder how a person could love you the way he did and by the same time, hate you, reject you, abandon you?

 

The point is that no therapy for narcissism , and no medication. The person who needs therapy is you. You can try it again with him,but you will see that you are wasting your time. Also, if you wants him to come back to you, block him. Show him that you are capable, be happy and live well. He will be curious to know how you can be happy without him and will try to reach you. However, don,t take him back. He may tell you lies, that he changed, that he misses you, but dont buy it. Good luck in your healing process. Stay strong.

[mossycup]

Thanks everyone, your words have given me great comfort as I cry for the millionth time over this man and the feeling that he was my soulmate and tear myself apart trying to understand. Esp thank you for this line:

 

"Oh good lord. Well he must have wanted to get one more grand act in as a colossal douche before he started loving everything."

 

That REALLY made my day!

 

It feels KEY to my recovery to really see that this man was terrible to me. I CANNOT seem to take him off the pedastal. All his spiritual talk spoke so deeply to me in our relationship - I never thought I'd find a man to share my faith and when I did, it seemed like a miracle. It took me ages to trust him because I really distrusted relationships, and he was slow and patient and kind. He made me feel like his soulmate and his best friend. He was generous and helpful. He showed his fears and anxieties, and then showed his procress as he seemed to overcome them, because he said he believed in us, said he was sure I was the one, forever. Then, the break up was so terrible, he took all of that back, said he was never sure, always rescuing me, and I could have been anyone. It was like a punch in the face, emotionally.

 

I know objectively, listening to your guys, that, if he wasn't a narcissist, he was a man with deep and real problems, not a man I want to be with. I KNOW that objectively. I honestly feel like I have a trauma bond with this man, now, even though he never even speaks to me. I still feel so attached to him, way more than I normally do at this point after a break up. I loved him so very much and it really felt so very healthy - I didn't see any signs at all. I am in therapy and I think it is helping, sort of. I've never felt so - unwise, unclear, mixed up, not able to see clearly. It's probably a blessing he never contacts me. I wouldn't know what to think if he did.

 

Thanks for listening. I really appreciate the perspectives, when I can't seem to get my own clear, others are helpful.

[mossycup]

I think I need to admit myself that I am powerless to unfriend him, block him and sell the ring. I can't do it right now. It's kind of interesting to actually admit that. I usually pride myself on being very strong and clear about my best interests. Hopefully my therapy will help.

[mossycup]

Incidentally one thing that happens because he isn't blocked is that he can see my newsfeed on FB (I don't look at his and I suppressed his posts so I never know what he is doing). All summer I've been posting pictures of myself doing fun things with people so it really looks to the world like I've been having an amazing time (and outside of the suffering over my ex, I actually have been having nice times with friends, trying new things as I work to move on - this process though extremely painful has also led to lots of emotional growth and confidence in other areas which I am super grateful for). Or I post statuses that are funny and lighthearted, or I post fun links. I never rant about the break up, or post anything to indicate I am sad, or even thinking about relationships. So if he IS looking at my profile, he can see I'm having a fine old time without him. Also I have lost weight and I look fantastic and I have a big smile in all the pics, so I don't know, I guess he is seeing that. Don't know if it is making any difference to him. He "liked" a funny picture link I posted, not any of the pictures of me doing stuff (although earlier in the summer he liked a picture I took in a part of the city I previoulsy hadn't want to go to a night from irrational anxiety, and I posted the pic to show friends I'd ovecome my anxiety). So maybe he even just liked that picture randomly as I said, but at least if he is looking at my FB, he's not seeing a miserable person, but a person who is having a good time.

Edited August 24, 2015 by mossycup

[mossycup]

Does anyone ever think that they should have broken NC to call and "help" their ex? My ex fiance broke it off in a way that seems so totally fearful and irrational that sometimes I just wonder, should I have pushed harder to work it out? Should I call him? My response at the time, because what he said was so shocking and hurtful and objectifying of me, was to make a few minor questions about whether this made sense, but otherwise accept and go total NC out of pain and shock.

 

At four months, I wonder, should I have tried to talk more? Does he really love me and need help?

 

My instinct of course is NO, he can figure it out himself and if I talk to him it will just make the situation worse. I'm not so much looking for advice (well, I guess I am) but also wondering if other people have these thoughts and what they did - did anyone actually call and help the person and get back together? Any bad experiences trying to help an ex?

 

I just want to make sure I'm making the right decision with NC. I miss him so much and I am still so confused and it's hard to move on in some ways because I still don't understand the BU.

[kidm]

Not sure what you think he needs help with? Help with realizing you're the one for him?

[15Love]

Unfortunately if you have to help him with this your life as his wife would be hell. Has he tried to contact you even once since saying those things to you?

 

This is your mind playing tricks on you.