healing process

[15Love]

Your post brings tears to my eyes. I'm in awe of your strength in the face of so much pain. You rock!!

[mossycup]

Thanks 15Love. When you guys like and respond to my posts that they are inspiring you, I cannot tell you how much encouragement that gives me. After church today hearing people talk about good marriages, i went to the park and found a quiet corner and cried so much. I worked through so many thing to a quieter place, but then after, when I was in walmart, I felt like I just could barely move, was spacing out, like I didn't belong in the world. I was literally crying in walmart and then the grocery store, feeling like a huge loser.

 

Then as I was biking home with my groceries aand feeling like a loser becuase I don't own a car, I began to feel the strength in my legs and body, the warmth of the sun, and the feeling of myself and my strength. I am not a loser! I am strong! I am alive and well!!! I enjoy moving, being active, at very least, I have that, and that's not small thing, many people do not have their health.

 

We are all strong!

[15Love]

Push through the pain like you did today, get your endorphins going being active. I bet this is your darkest hour...right before dawn.

[kenmore]

At a girl! I agree, you are very strong and have so much going for you! You will be just fine, I can tell. Both of you will be!

 

15love (A tennis term I love tennis!) you are inspirational too.

 

It's nice to see so much positive feeling here this afternoon. I know saying positive things and living them are different but they are definitely related and the more you can be positive and help others, the happier you will be.

 

Keep on going strong! And do let us know what you decide to do mossycup.

 

Ken

[mossycup]

Thanks kenmore!!

 

So this afternoon I started building the dresser for my new bedroom set from IKEA. I'm slowly redecorating my entire place as a means of inviting new and positive energy in my life. Making my bedroom a tasteful, well decorated comfortable space where a new and healthy relationship can unfold. wink wink lol!!!

 

It felt really good to build something. I felt good about myself for taking charge and being active in my life.

[bluefeather]

I AM proud that in all this I never

- suppressed his newsfeed so I don't anyting about him

 

say what? you are friends on fb? isn't that against NC?

[mossycup]

It's true. I have not been able to make myself defriend him on FB. I suppressed his feed so I never see anything about him, but he does occasionally like things on my wall.

 

I think it is because I feel like one day when I don't care about him he's just be another friend and it won't matter, but defriending him makes it so dramatic. I can't bring myself to do it, to show I even care that much about him. I don't want to do anything that communicates anything to him, which defriending him does.

[bluefeather]

It's true. I have not been able to make myself defriend him on FB. I suppressed his feed so I never see anything about him, but he does occasionally like things on my wall.

 

That just sounds like more weakness to me. And please don't take offense to that. I am just trying to show you my perspective; maybe it's wrong. But I unfriended as soon as we broke up. With you still having them as friends on fb, this is what I see:

 

You never did NC. as long as you have a connection that lets him see what you are up to, and you see what he posts, that is still communication.

 

 

 

I think it is because I feel like one day when I don't care about him he's just be another friend and it won't matter...

 

I think you are lying to yourself and you know the real reason why. Because here is the truth that at least I can see: It matters to you right now. How about you think about being "friends" when it doesn't matter.

 

but defriending him makes it so dramatic.

 

No, defriending him makes it that much more final.

 

 

I can't bring myself to do it, to show I even care that much about him. I don't want to do anything that communicates anything to him, which defriending him does.

 

There is your true answer: "I can't bring myself to do it..."

 

You keeping him on actually shows that you do care. Because you still have access to his stuff, and he obviously still has access to yours.

 

NC means no communication means not letting him know what you are doing. This is all new stuff to me that I have just learned over a couple of weeks, so maybe other people out here can tell me if I am reading this incorrectly???

 

A "like" is communication. It means "Hi." It means "I see what you are expressing, and I can tell you that I approve of what you just said."

 

No contact. ? ^^

 

That is contact.

 

 

And if this logic is true, lady, you have not even begun NC.

 

Please forgive me if this came off as extreme. This is kind of the way I have to talk to myself in order to resist urges to reach out or feel sorry for myself.

 

If I was you, this is what I would tell myself:

 

"He has declared that he no longer wants you in his life. Show him what that is like."

 

He no longer deserves to see what you are up to. That is privileged information for people who are good to you.

[mossycup]

That just sounds like more weakness to me. And please don't take offense to that. I am just trying to show you my perspective; maybe it's wrong. But I unfriended as soon as we broke up. With you still having them as friends on fb, this is what I see:

 

You never did NC. as long as you have a connection that lets him see what you are up to, and you see what he posts, that is still communication.

 

 

 

 

 

I think you are lying to yourself and you know the real reason why. Because here is the truth that at least I can see: It matters to you right now. How about you think about being "friends" when it doesn't matter.

 

 

 

No, defriending him makes it that much more final.

 

 

 

 

There is your true answer: "I can't bring myself to do it..."

 

You keeping him on actually shows that you do care. Because you still have access to his stuff, and he obviously still has access to yours.

 

NC means no communication means not letting him know what you are doing. This is all new stuff to me that I have just learned over a couple of weeks, so maybe other people out here can tell me if I am reading this incorrectly???

 

A "like" is communication. It means "Hi." It means "I see what you are expressing, and I can tell you that I approve of what you just said."

 

No contact. ? ^^

 

That is contact.

 

 

And if this logic is true, lady, you have not even begun NC.

 

Please forgive me if this came off as extreme. This is kind of the way I have to talk to myself in order to resist urges to reach out or feel sorry for myself.

 

If I was you, this is what I would tell myself:

 

"He has declared that he no longer wants you in his life. Show him what that is like."

 

He no longer deserves to see what you are up to. That is privileged information for people who are good to you.

 

 

That's ok. I don't mind if you are strongly wording this. It's a valuable perspective. I hadn't thought of it that way, and you are correct. I didn't want to say but I will admit sometimes I just stare at that little green light showing he is online and feel like we are in touch. PATHETIC! I know.

 

Ok, I will strongly consider this. It is a very big move for me. I also still have the engagement ring and his stuff and I cannot bring myself to return them. I don't have to return them in person, but via a friend so it won't be contact, but it will be a pretty strong message.

 

I think the truth is that I am holding out for him to return, but not trusting that he ever will on his own. If I truly trusted he would on his own, I would defriend him knowing that if he really wanted me back and we got back, we would refriend. Or even that if one day we were actual friends again, I would just ask to refriend. But what is really happening is that I am very, very scared to lose this one area where I feel like I have control, in a small and pathetic way. So scared becuase once that is done, he is really out of my life altogether.

 

Because of the wierd break up, I have been holding on to hope. I admit.

 

Ok I will think about this today. Bottom line is instead of seeing doing these things as "holding on to hope", what I'm really doing is saying, I have no hope that you'll ever care for me enough to do the work on your own..."

 

Ok also I guess I am afriad that he does love me, he's just scared that I am angry with him, and if I do defriend him he'll be so scared/guilty that he will never talk to me again even if he loves me, whereas leaving that door open gives him safety to come back ot me. After all, he was REALLY awful but in a way that suggested some wierd breakdown (although also he could just be an entitled *******, how to know??). I'm sorry, so pathetic, but can someone please comment on this?

 

Also, why can't I accept this is over? That is really the bottom line problem here.

[bluefeather]

omg girl it seems to me like you and I have similar emotions, but I think I might be healing a little bit quicker (I heal fast in general )

 

dear you are better than that! I can see it in your words. Know why? Because I see myself in you and I know that I am better than that!

 

this whole experience is such a strange one to me, but interesting as well. See usually I am the dumper (edit - I don't think it's right to say "I am the dumper" ... because you can be dumped by idiots and that doesn't mean they are better than you or anything. To put it into better perspective, usually I have lots of self-respect). I have been used to being pursued for many years. But this one time I was soooo smitten and I fell madly in love with someone. Had me wrapped around her finger, she did. Unfortunately, she had serious emotional/mental issues of her own and she broke my heart

 

enough about me though, the point is that those excuses you make for him were also mine. "oh she is troubled!" I would say "she treated me like garbage but it's because she had a rough upbringing, I know she is trying so hard because she loves me." and "she knows she did wrong so she will probably never want to come back out of guilt, maybe I should reach out AGAIN"

 

ARGH! what? nooo lol no no no I don't do that for people. snap out of it! that is a spell. if someone wishes to be with you, they will be with you. they won't put you through pain and suffering and they won't break it off like that.

 

I didn't know you had a ring, so I had to go back and read the whole thread. I would have returned that ring... or considered selling it and buying myself something awesome.

 

I am SUPER spiritual. I <3 discussing spirituality and philosophy, especially with a lover/potential lover, because they are who I can share my deepest feelings with. It is so interesting to me! I am also *slightly* familiar with A Course in Miracles. New age stuff is ok, but you need to IMO sift through a lot of crap in order to get to the good stuff. Let me tell you something, if you're thinking about it: please please do not hate new age or new age people on behalf of this guy. That would be like saying you hate a certain religion because one guy of that said religion hurt you. That is not fair, we are not all like that! ;/

 

Many people will misinterpret words, or even worse - they will twist them to suit their needs!

 

And one more suggestion, and this will probably be a hard one: learn to trust again. Don't bottle up on the next person you fall in love with. But don't.choose.the same.guy!

 

I think you are on a journey of self discovery and your journey starts NOW. I am actually kind of interested to know what you choose to become.

 

I say this to you and to myself: YOU CAN DO IT!

Edited August 31, 2015 by bluefeather

[15Love]

It's hard to accept because it hurts. We all avoid things that hurt.

 

I do agree with bluefeather though. It's time to consider ripping the bandaid off and going full NC.

[mossycup]

Thanks for your very encouraging words!

 

And yes, I will not paint all new agers with one brush, I can see that now.My own faith, after being tested by this experience, has become stronger. In my case I have found a personal relationship with Jesus (with a very new agey/left wing bent, since that is my background) which has been so powerful in my healing process.

 

I realized today that I have been trying to figure everything out and predict the future or try to hurry towards a future where i don't care about him, or fantasizing about getting back together. But none of that can work.

 

I am in Al Anon because my ex was also a recovering alcoholic, and the first step is so fitting here: We acknowledged we were powerless over alcohol. In this case, I don't know how much his alcoholic history was part of his choice, but the bigger principle is, I can't control him and I can't control my healing, all I can do is give it to God and trust that things will be ok.

 

What that means for me is to just accept it doesn't matter WHY he left, it matters that he did because it hurts like a bitch. And will until it doesn't anymore. I think I am going to stop fighting that and just let it hurt hurt hurt. All the plans, all the trust, all the values I thought we shared, it just hurts to see that all gone (and also that he said they were never really there, extra twist of the knife in the way he broke up with me, but still, really just it hurts). It also hurts to have this hope that he will return. I am even going to stop trying to control my hope - I'll have it until I don't have it anymore.

 

I can certainly control my actions which means at some point I need to defriend, get his stuff back to him (via a friend), return the ring to him or sell it (thinking returning it to him puts it on him to deal with it, but selling it well then I get money which is good, not sure which i will do yet, probably sell). In the meantime it means I today removed him from my chat box on FB so I have no sense of him being online, I don't see his posts. I have even decided to take a break from our mutual friend (which is ok, she's very busy right now). And maintaining the best NC I can.

 

Thanks everyone for so much encouragement and support. After a while in this process, you begin to see, at the heart of the all the confusion, anger, etc it's just that we loved someone and they left, and it's so painful. I'm glad we can share with each other because it does ease the pain for a few moments, and over time provides a really strong sense of encouragement.

[15Love]

Excellent thought process! I'm so glad you found Jesus through this as well. What a major blessing!

 

You're on the right track with your next steps IMO. And I think....sell the ring

[bluefeather]

Seriously... for a guy to got to a little new age retreat and later be like "oh it was fake all along..." eww that is... icky! as a human being, that is just so low!

 

you are too late to not feel pain, so go through it. experience it. but come to your senses. and then be glad that you are not in a relationship with someone like THAT!

 

A liar who is easily swayed by alcohol?

 

don't you think you should be aiming a bit higher? lol! laugh at that! laugh at the silliness in your choices of mates. And change your standards. Move on. You deserve a better person than that.

 

"oh but I love him so!" Hey you know what other kinds of people act like that? Abuse victims! Think about it!

 

 

I knew someone, a beautiful kind girl. SHE. WAS. GORGEOUS. I mean absolutely stunning to me, and she was so, so sweet. We never got to hook up but one day we started talking years later and she admitted that the relationship she was in, she was physically abused. The freaking bastard would hit her... and he was a disgusting looking "man" too. Like, he did not take care of himself... but did she leave him?

 

"well, he said he was really sorry..."

 

 

this is an issue with the brain, NOT the heart.

 

tell this to yourself:

 

"I love myself. And I deserve so much better than THAT."

 

 

When we are treated like dirt, walked on, and discarded, I think the problem is half with them, and half with us. Half with them for their problems of doing what they did, but half with us for choosing them as a mate. You need to up your standards and see through bs. Paint a picture of the ideal lover. It is not someone who will treat you that way... ever.

 

Is it?

 

Ask yourself that question and the healing process should become easier. Would your ideal lover treat you that way? If yes, than you have a serious problem with yourself and you need to do something about it fast. If no, then why are you crying about it, huh? This is one of my favorite sayings in cases like this:

 

YOU DODGED A BULLET.

 

Be grateful this happened now and not during a freaking wedding or after a marriage. Thanks be to God!

 

 

(alright I'm gonna stop ranting for a while, lol...)

Edited August 31, 2015 by bluefeather

[mossycup]

Bluefeather, thank you! that was a great post to read. It made me think more about why I still hold him in such high regard.

 

Partly it is because he always presented himself as a "humble searcher" - always talking about how he wasn't perfect and how he needed to be better, while at the same time talking so much about how love and commitment and spiritual discipline was important to him. Everyone in our community thinks of him as a super loving man, a man who is a spiritual inspiration and a trusted friend. I've known him for 8 years, casually, and my best friend, who is our connection, knew him since high school. She always thought we should be together as we both are very religious and serious and caring people. She was shocked by what he did, but as far as I know they still spend time with him, so they must still think of him as a good guy right? No one has said anything to me about even holding him to account in any way. The most they did was ask him why he did it and then accept his answer that leaving me was his spiritual destiny to go into the world and "love everyone spiritually and also be alone with God."

 

It's VERY hard for me not to still think of him this spiritual and evolved way. For almost two years he talked so much about his commitment to me and to his practice of loving spiritually including our relationship - that I was the one God brought to him to love, and that he had fears, but he knew he could work through them - it made him seem even more awesome that he was on top of his fears.

 

When he left, he really tried to make it sound like it was a spiritual choice, but I could tell he was scared ****less. But being scared is one thing, being a weak ******* possible narcissist is another.

 

Also, because everyone in our community (except my other best friend, herself an abuse victim, who says she always found him creepy) thinks highly of him, I keep thinking, well, they must be right. He must really be an incredibly amazing spiritual person who just is scared and needs help, and if he can get through this, we can have the lovign spiritual marriage we planned. My best friend and her husband (the one who knew him first) are still friends with him and if I trust them, I feel like I need to trust him. Me and my ex are the God "aunt and uncle" of their child, and we were all supposed to grow old together as family friends, life long friends, and because they are connected to him, I keep thinking, maybe he really is the good guy who is just hurting and scared. If he really was a low person, would they still be in his life? Maybe they would, to help him. I don't know and don't ask about their relationship with him. But I feel like whatever their relationship is with him, it is causing me to hold out a lot of hope that he is just hurting and needs healing and that I can be there for him.

[bluefeather]

You're not out of it yet, that's for sure. I can tell because you keep letting yourself be consumed by thoughts of him and everyone who deals with him.

 

Oh wow everyone around him thinks he's an awesome person. Have you heard about this guy named Hitler? Man a whole country of people thought he was awesome for a while...

 

There was this other guy who lots of people thought was a really cool spiritual leader... what was his name? ... hmm I think the first name was Charles? then something with an M, idk...

 

Not that I am comparing him to some really messed up people, I am saying just because a group of people like him or think he's some great holy person, it doesn't mean it's true.

 

Stop giving two craps about it. Honestly, it sounds like you could use a new group of friends, but I won't go there

 

I can go on and on about my thoughts on this person. But it is a waste of my and importantly, your time. People can talk and talk with you about it but you are the only one who has the power to one day wake up and say "umm, that guy was messed up in the head. why did I feel so bad over that?" You will feel really dumb, so I'ma help you fast-forward to that point.

 

Quit being a dumb-ass!

 

<3

[mossycup]

lol, quite a rant, bluefeather, and, i appreciate how it shows that you care! tough love huh?

 

but yeah, you are right in so many ways.

 

i had a dream last night that i met a man who really cared for me. it was a comforting dream.

 

It's pretty challenging to change the way you see a person, if you saw them for a certain way for a long time. So I'm not forcing myself to try to do that. I think mainly it's about focusing on other things. Redecorating my apartment, activities with friends, upcoming vacation with my dad, some big events at work to plan ... and just letting myself feel down when I need to.

 

thanks again for all your support guys!! I will keep you posted on my progress on this and you keep me posted too. we inspire each other!

[mossycup]

Here's a good song for all of us who were unexpectedly rejected after feeling like we had found our soulmate:

 

[bluefeather]

Here's a good song for all of us who were unexpectedly rejected after feeling like we had found our soulmate:

 

 

I had heard of Katy Perry before but I didn't know who she was. That was enjoyable! Thanks

 

take a walk

take your time

and take control

 

[mossycup]

What a gorgeous song! I love it!