healing process

[mossycup]

Kind of makes me seem stupid when you put it that way kidm (I don't mind feeling stupid, it's a good wake up call). Yeah, I think I assume that we are really good together and he is just afraid and is going to miss out on something wonderful, so I should help him to realize it. How dumb does that sound once I've written it out, and also, so arrogant.

 

15love, yeah, you're right also - it would suck being married to a man who needed help on this level, who was that unsure.

 

Thanks you guys. Holy crap this sucks so much, this whole situation is so incredibly painful and I feel so pathetic for thinking I should or can do anything. Sometimes you have to just accept betrayal and rejection and move forward, I guess.

[mossycup]

Oh, 15love, in terms of him contacting me, it has been

 

- 2 facebook "likes" on my personal page

- 2 on my work page which I admin

- one casual email about a month and a half after congratulating me on a workproject in a very casual and cheerful tone (ie, way to go, great job, i know you worked hard on that, etc).

[15Love]

Yeah, don't get me wrong you're not alone in feeling that way...at all. It's like "why should we both miss out on a good thing because you're too dumb to recognize a good thing when it's in front of you"

 

But unfortunately it's not healthy. Don't feel stupid. You're just human.

 

Sorry he's been throwing breadcrumbs out. That's hard.

[mossycup]

The breadcrumbs are so tiny they are not even really a big deal. I don't even consider them contact, actually, that is, they don't seem like they are even a real communication so as far as I am concerned emotionally, he has cut me off.

 

I think this thread is really letting it sink into me something I just haven't been able to accept, that he is gone and has rejected me. You've read my story I think, you know what an unexpected and awful 180 he did. I'm almost at 4 months now and I think I've survived in many ways simply by either not thinking about him, or assuming he must still love me and is just confused. To let myself actually think that he has rejected me and it is over, it's hard to even accept it! I don't understand how a person could say and do so many, many loving things and then within the span of a week, take everything back and change so completely. Even logically I don't understand, and emotionally I understand even less. How can a person do that to another person? I feel like it is so hard to let this one go because I just can't understand it.

[15Love]

Forgive if you've already said...have you ever asked him?

[mossycup]

Asked him what, specifically?

 

Why he changed his mind, you mean?

[15Love]

I guess, yes. I mean I don't know if it's a dumb thing to consider asking someone who's dumped you but it seems like they should at least have to explain themselves.

[mossycup]

I have never asked him. I think that is because the way he dumped me was so hurtful and strange after such a seemingly deeply loving, connected, honest and happy relationship of almost two years, including an engagement, that I just don't know how to even speak into it. (see below for how the conversation went).

 

I feel like if I ask, he will either repeat himself (in which case, no point in asking) or he will become distressed, trying to explain why he no longer loves me, and that upsetness will be just as confusing and hurtful because bottom line, the answer will still be the same: the relationship wasn't what you thought it was. So I hesitate to ask, even though I obsess, because the nature of the break up makes me feel like even engaging in this is impossible. The wall is so high and thick, now. I feel like my love was so deep and real and trusting and for life, that my heart just can't face interacting with him in this mode of non-communicating with me. I just can't face it, the agony of hearing him say to my face, again, that he doesn't/never loved me, after I was so sure and so trusting. I'd rather be wondering about it, I guess. Maybe that will change in time. If I was to ask and the answer was, I was wrong, I do love you, well, I feel like if he felt that way, I wouldn't have to ask - he would come to me. I mean, that is what I assume.

 

Additionally I feel like the man I loved, I could have talked to him about anything, but this man, who acted this way, I don't know him at all, so how could I bring up such intimate and vulnerable matters with him?

 

 

How it went

 

Him (in a cold, authoritative voice): "I was never sure of you so I decided to just rescue you and now i am tired of it"

Me (trying to stay calm and loving): "But we actively talked about it more than one time that we weren't doing that with each other"

Him: no answer

 

Me: "But we had so many wonderful and happy times together, we literally never fought and were always happy"

Him: "I am a loving person so you could have been anyone"

Him: "I just want to be alone and do my hobbies and love people spiritually"

Me: "You can do that and still be with me, I like a lot of time alone too"

Him: "Yes you would be perfect if I wanted to get married, but I need complete autonomy and to never answer to anyone"

Me: "Ok" (in my mind, "have a nice life")

 

All this from a man who said his most important goal in life was to love people and be spiritual and grow, and that he felt I was his perfect, God given partner for doing this with.

Edited August 27, 2015 by mossycup

[xpaperxcutx]

The breadcrumbs are so tiny they are not even really a big deal. I don't even consider them contact, actually, that is, they don't seem like they are even a real communication so as far as I am concerned emotionally, he has cut me off.

 

I think this thread is really letting it sink into me something I just haven't been able to accept, that he is gone and has rejected me. You've read my story I think, you know what an unexpected and awful 180 he did. I'm almost at 4 months now and I think I've survived in many ways simply by either not thinking about him, or assuming he must still love me and is just confused. To let myself actually think that he has rejected me and it is over, it's hard to even accept it! I don't understand how a person could say and do so many, many loving things and then within the span of a week, take everything back and change so completely. Even logically I don't understand, and emotionally I understand even less. How can a person do that to another person? I feel like it is so hard to let this one go because I just can't understand it.

 

I applaud you for your strength in admitting the bolded. We are all hurt because the fact that we could ever be rejected affects our self-esteem. It makes us question ourselves about our worthiness to be loved.

 

 

But the fact that you can admit to this is your path to healing. What he did to you only reflects on him as a person and how cruel he is. Maybe karma will come back to haunt him. Regardless, this is your time to heal and move on. You will be better. I promise you.

[15Love]

I have never asked him. I think that is because the way he dumped me was so hurtful and strange after such a seemingly deeply loving, connected, honest and happy relationship of almost two years, including an engagement, that I just don't know how to even speak into it. (see below for how the conversation went).

 

I feel like if I ask, he will either repeat himself (in which case, no point in asking) or he will become distressed, trying to explain why he no longer loves me, and that upsetness will be just as confusing and hurtful because bottom line, the answer will still be the same: the relationship wasn't what you thought it was. So I hesitate to ask, even though I obsess, because the nature of the break up makes me feel like even engaging in this is impossible. The wall is so high and thick, now. I feel like my love was so deep and real and trusting and for life, that my heart just can't face interacting with him in this mode of non-communicating with me. I just can't face it, the agony of hearing him say to my face, again, that he doesn't/never loved me, after I was so sure and so trusting. I'd rather be wondering about it, I guess. Maybe that will change in time. If I was to ask and the answer was, I was wrong, I do love you, well, I feel like if he felt that way, I wouldn't have to ask - he would come to me. I mean, that is what I assume.

 

Additionally I feel like the man I loved, I could have talked to him about anything, but this man, who acted this way, I don't know him at all, so how could I bring up such intimate and vulnerable matters with him?

 

 

How it went

 

Him (in a cold, authoritative voice): "I was never sure of you so I decided to just rescue you and now i am tired of it"

Me (trying to stay calm and loving): "But we actively talked about it more than one time that we weren't doing that with each other"

Him: no answer

 

Me: "But we had so many wonderful and happy times together, we literally never fought and were always happy"

Him: "I am a loving person so you could have been anyone"

Him: "I just want to be alone and do my hobbies and love people spiritually"

Me: "You can do that and still be with me, I like a lot of time alone too"

Him: "Yes you would be perfect if I wanted to get married, but I need complete autonomy and to never answer to anyone"

Me: "Ok" (in my mind, "have a nice life")

 

All this from a man who said his most important goal in life was to love people and be spiritual and grow, and that he felt I was his perfect, God given partner for doing this with.

 

 

Ok I understand now. Yes, that's really really hard. I have nothign but complete admiration for your ability to not go back to the vomit for more and more. I wish I was like you.

 

I'm sorry he put you through that.

[mossycup]

Thank you 15Love. That means a lot to me.

 

Remind me, how did you ex dump you and have you talked to him since? I find it hard to keep all the different stories and profiles straight and I feel like I'd really like to understand better what you experienced.

[15Love]

That's ok...I have a hard time keeping everyone straight too.

 

He's never dumped me. Or dated me. Just used me for the last 15 years. And for some reason I can't let it go. That's why I'm here. To try and find clarity in a situation where he consistently admits he'll never date me but always always tracks me down, reaches out, and sprinkles his breadcrumbs. He says if he ever agreed to date me I wouldn't want him anymore. He thinks I just like the chase. It's the MOST frustrating...because I'm smarter then this. But when it comes to him...I'm a total idiot.

 

I don't know how to stop.

[mossycup]

Wow, that is a rough situation, 15love. So frustrating! Has there been anyone else you have been interested in?

[15Love]

Lots...but he always pops up when I'm dating someone and I end up comparing and the new person loses their luster...cause they're not him. I wouldn't be suprised if he's doing it on purpose. Now I'm discouraged to even try because every time I prefer him over someone new it adds to my crazy belief that he's "the one" AND I KNOW HE'S NOT THE ONE in my head. But my heart says, "yeah he is." "The one" wouldn't refuse to date me. Uuugh, it's so ridiculous.

 

But I will say this, I woke up this morning and thought, I want to be strong like mossycup and finalendevour and Jonp (and lots others)

 

You've been really inspiring!

Edited August 28, 2015 by 15Love

[Chronotrgr]

I know that feel, I must have gone 10 days straight just crying in my exes company and feeling so unbelievably upset, now I'm away from her and can actually relax, I feel sick, dizzy, achey and in general pretty unwell, fight or flight mode really is a crazy thing.

[mossycup]

Lots...but he always pops up when I'm dating someone and I end up comparing and the new person loses their luster...cause they're not him. I wouldn't be suprised if he's doing it on purpose. Now I'm discouraged to even try because every time I prefer him over someone new it adds to my crazy belief that he's "the one" AND I KNOW HE'S NOT THE ONE in my head. But my heart says, "yeah he is." "The one" wouldn't refuse to date me. Uuugh, it's so ridiculous.

 

But I will say this, I woke up this morning and thought, I want to be strong like mossycup and finalendevour and Jonp (and lots others)

 

You've been really inspiring!

 

Hm. Why does he do that? That's really crazy making. Well I'm here to tell you, you can do it! Do you really want to let go of this guy? Can you find it in yourself to really have a motivation and do it? I think that you can!! Next time he appears, you can find a way to just say, no thank you and refocus on the person you are dating! I know you can do it!

[mossycup]

I know that feel, I must have gone 10 days straight just crying in my exes company and feeling so unbelievably upset, now I'm away from her and can actually relax, I feel sick, dizzy, achey and in general pretty unwell, fight or flight mode really is a crazy thing.

 

It is ok, you can get through this.

[mossycup]

Ok NC fans, I'm reporting to everyone that I think I am GOING to speak to my ex. Hear me out though! And of course you can tell me I'm doing the wrong thing, I'll listen, but I think I need to do this.

 

As you all know my ex left me in a way that was extremely hurtful and disorienting. I however never said anything about it, just accepted it and was very loving even though he hurt me very badly and showed no interest or consideration in my feelings.

 

Up to this point, I have not thought there was any point in talking to him, since I don't believe he would hear me anyways.

 

But today I got into a place of so much fear and weakness and that is when I realized, for my own sake, I need to say, to his face, how I feel about the BU.

 

Most people get to say that DURING the BU. I did not. I do not expect anything,he may not even seem to hear me. I could get hurt again. However, I CANNOT go on like this, keeping all this feeling to myself. I need to stand up for myeslf and it needs to be to him, in person. Not for him, but for me. I need to face the fear.

 

I probably won't do it for another month though. I want to have lots of therapy first and also decide exactly what I want to say. And I don't want to do it before or during my vacation because I want to enjoy that. And maybe in a month I will no longer actually even want to say anything so then I won't. Maybe it is just helpful to orient knowing I am GOING to stand up for myself. I think it is helpful, no matter what I actually end up doing.

 

I know that this feeling means that I am getting over him. I would never have this if I was still as wrapped up in thinking we were supposed to be together as I was before. As terrible as it has been to lose him, it was worse, the feeling today, of feeling like a complete victim. I can choose to be alone and strong and have dignity, and no longer fear him, and more importantly, no longer fear rejection so much. Rejection sucks, yes, but worse is when you reject on your own experience and hide out hoping for someone else to rescue you.

[Stage5Clinger]

You may get set back in contacting him. One text can turn into something that reopens that healing wound. Try to find closure in therapy so that you can keep distancing yourself from him.

[StrangerThanFiction]

Ok NC fans, I'm reporting to everyone that I think I am GOING to speak to my ex. Hear me out though! And of course you can tell me I'm doing the wrong thing, I'll listen, but I think I need to do this.

 

As you all know my ex left me in a way that was extremely hurtful and disorienting. I however never said anything about it, just accepted it and was very loving even though he hurt me very badly and showed no interest or consideration in my feelings.

 

Up to this point, I have not thought there was any point in talking to him, since I don't believe he would hear me anyways.

 

But today I got into a place of so much fear and weakness and that is when I realized, for my own sake, I need to say, to his face, how I feel about the BU.

 

Most people get to say that DURING the BU. I did not. I do not expect anything,he may not even seem to hear me. I could get hurt again. However, I CANNOT go on like this, keeping all this feeling to myself. I need to stand up for myeslf and it needs to be to him, in person. Not for him, but for me. I need to face the fear.

 

I probably won't do it for another month though. I want to have lots of therapy first and also decide exactly what I want to say. And I don't want to do it before or during my vacation because I want to enjoy that. And maybe in a month I will no longer actually even want to say anything so then I won't. Maybe it is just helpful to orient knowing I am GOING to stand up for myself. I think it is helpful, no matter what I actually end up doing.

 

I know that this feeling means that I am getting over him. I would never have this if I was still as wrapped up in thinking we were supposed to be together as I was before. As terrible as it has been to lose him, it was worse, the feeling today, of feeling like a complete victim. I can choose to be alone and strong and have dignity, and no longer fear him, and more importantly, no longer fear rejection so much. Rejection sucks, yes, but worse is when you reject on your own experience and hide out hoping for someone else to rescue you.

 

I think it's an excellent idea that you're not planning on confronting him for another month. Hopefully in that time you will gain more perspective and objectivity on the situation and see that confronting him might not be the best idea. I understand your feeling behind wanting to do this, but what will it really gain you? Yes, you may feel that you're standing up for yourself, but does throwing the fact that you're still hung up on this person that treated you with such little consideration really going to empower you? Or is it just going to confirm in your mind that you need validation through them? Really think about that. I think by staying NC shows more as far as standing up for yourself than any confrontation ever will. Confronting your ex now or later will just show that you're still hung up on him and hand him your own power and an ego boost as well.

[bluefeather]

I'm sorry if this upsets you but if you want my opinion, it sounds like you are just looking for a reason to talk to him.

 

"But today I got into a place of so much fear and weakness and that is when I realized, for my own sake, I need to say, to his face, how I feel about the BU."

 

^That said it all for me^

 

You had a weak moment and believed that you "needed" something from him. You shouldn't need anything from that person.

 

I'm not going to advise against what you are saying. I don't think it will change your feeling of wanting to do it. I know the need to vent to the other person. I recently did that myself. All that happened was I lost control of my emotions and ended up exploding, and coming off like an a-hole to her, and looking like an injured child to myself. This then made me feel guilty for acting stupidly and then feeling even more pain knowing that she has now stonewalled me.

[Oregon_Dude]

The person who broke up with you does not care what you have to say.

 

At all.

 

It won't affect them, make them change their mind, or make them love you.

 

All it will do is annoy them, and make them think you are pathetic.

 

They will feel glad about their decision to break up with you, since you're clearly (and this is what THEY think, not what is true) so mentally and emotionally unstable.

 

They will think highly of themselves for having such an effect on someone, months down the road still.

 

In short, they will pity you and feel even better about themselves.

[kenmore]

I know exactly what you're going through, mossycup. You don't expect anything to get better in fact you know it won't but at the same time you want....something.

 

You want acknowledgement, friendship, companionship. Something!

 

I couldn't tell you how many days I have just sat here wishing I had an outlet for those kinds of feelings and wondering why the Hell she hasn't felt them or if she has, why hasn't she said anything at all! It's a constant battle to remain silent but I end up telling myself (and I listen) that all I'll do is give her more upper hand. She had upper hand our entire marriage. That always sucked. I don't want to give her more!

 

I'll tell you what you want to hear because I believe in it: You should contact your ex. Don't wait months, just do it. Get it over with! It's the only way! Learn NOW what it means. How it will go. Learn it and remember it. You know you will, you just told us all you will, do it immediately. That's my advice. I did it and it sucked!

 

It will hurt you, you need to know that. It will re-open the wound as Stage5Clinger said. there's no doubt about that! Oh it will hurt! But it's something you need to get out of your system. If you wait a month, it will be a month of anxiety and it will hurt that much more.

 

I wish you the best and I plan to be around if you need someone to pick up the pieces. In the end, you will be better off though, just as cutting a gangrenous hand off is better. It sucks, it hurts but it's better.

 

That's my advice, reckless as it is. Good luck!

 

Ken

[15Love]

I know your in a tough head space.

 

Do the therapy. Please don't give in or give up. You're my inspiration!

 

We're here for you either way, whatever you decide.

 

((Hugs))

[mossycup]

Thanks guys. I've had an night of sleep and I haven't made any decisions yet, but, your advice was helpful. I was thinking that talking to him might relieve the feeling I have of having literally no power in my own eyes. It was something I wanted to do for myself. I've been doing a good job of getting my life in order, but yesterday, when I got triggered, it was like I just saw so much emptiness. I felt like my life was so worthless and pathetic. When I pictured him out in the world (and with my friends, even, which of course makes it harder), doing stuff, not thinking of me as far as I know , I just felt like was so tired from four months of being strong and focusing on myself and my growth. I felt so humiliated, and in such pain, I was hyperventilating at one point. It felt like my entire life for four months now is this constant battle to manage the thoughts about him, keep my own **** together, just take care of my life which I had be so looking forward to a husband helping me with (ie day to day stuff I can defeinitely take care of myself, but how nice to have partner), managing own my pain from the past which of course is still there but now alongside this new pain.

 

And overlaying it all, the constant tension of WHY DID HE DO IT? and WILL HE COME BACK? And never feeling I can have answer to it, or never being fully confident he either will or wont' come back (won't is obviously more likely). And never being able to say for more than a few minutes, I'm fine without him, and I'll find someone better. And the agony of everything we planned together and enjoyed together, getting in my head, images and thoughts of what might have been, and what at the time it felt quite reasonable to expect.

 

So I guess yesterday I was just looking for ANYTHING I could do to give me my dignity back. To want to have dignity. I feel so tired of creating dignity in a situation that feels filled with humiliation and pain and being completely irrelevant to another person. Sometimes I think, what is the point? My life made sense when we were together, until he blew it all out of the water with a few choice sentences. Now, it makes some sense, enough to function, but there is this grinding emotion that makes everything seem hard and doesn't quite make sense.

 

Anyway, thank you for listening and for supporting and for being inspired by me. I AM proud that in all this I never

 

- lost my cool with him or said anything that showed my stress

- responded to his fb likes/casual email breadcrumbs

- made sure none of my friends talked to him about how I am feeling

- never posted any comments on facebook even slightly related to my feelings

- suppressed his newsfeed so I don't anyting about him

- did anything self-harming

- and I did a bunch of positive stuff too

 

I think I just need to remind myself, it is has only been four months. When we get together, I had no idea he would turn out to be this way, and while there is nothing I can do about that now, I have to not fight so hard to feel better as soon as possible. It's like a hit and run; you didn't see it coming, now you are broken, but you just stay in bed or do the therapy and no judge yourself. And trust you will heal. I really need to trust in the future. He tried to destroy all my trust, but I need to trust IN trust, that it will come back to me. I need to believe that it won't always feel this way. Thank you guys so much.

Edited August 30, 2015 by mossycup