H puts mother first instead of me

[OneLife2Live]

I never really gave this much thought until yesterday when my H and I were visiting my parents.

My mother-in-law lives about 1,200 miles from us.

His mom and him have always been close. He is an only child. He flies out to see her twice a year. Once in awhile I do fly out with but with my job and finances, it's hard for me to go along also.

As we were visiting with my parents (whom we live near) we were talking about our adult daughter wanting to move to the same state where mil lives. My H said at least when we move there ( in about 5 years or so) she won't be far. I have told my H time and time again, I do not want to move there, it's nice to visit and maybe have a vacation home but not permanent residency there. My parents know this. My mom says to my H "But, what about your wife? She doesn't want to move there." He said he doesn't care, I can stay. He is going to go live near his mom. My dad just looked down and shook his head and my mom said "Well, what kind of marriage is that?" My H really didn't comment. It hit me just then that he is putting his mom before me. I didn't know what to say or do. I could clearly see it bothered my dad. I quickly changed the subject because I'd either blow up or start crying.

On our way home I didn't say anything, he brought it up. He said my parents don't live that far away and I don't spend much time with them or speak to them every day like he talks to his mom almost daily. I told him it's because I cut the apron strings. I love my parents, A LOT, but I don't feel I need to talk to them every single day. And when I do go visit them, my H calls or text me asking me when I'm going to be home. He has even gotten angry with me for being there too long. Yes, I know, other issues, not getting into that now.

How can I honestly stay married to a man who puts his mother first? When you marry, your spouse comes before parents. At least, that is how I was raised.

I understand he misses his mom and wants to be near her, I do. I would miss my parents being so far from them also. Even if my parents were deceased, I don't want to permanently move there. I have a job I like, family, and friends here. H says I can make new friends there and find another job I like. I love the state where I live. If I didn't, I would have moved a long time ago.

And TBH, I don't think my M is happy enough to move away from my home state to a place where I don't know anyone but his mom and start all over.

Maybe I'm the one being selfish not wanting to move to be closer to his mom. I don't know. But, when he said I can stay here and he will move to be closer to his mom, that just hurt.

[elaine567]

Without consulting you, he has decided to spend his life beside his mother. His 5 year plan is to uproot you, whether you want to move or not, and he is not open to negotiation either.

 

At least you now know.

[carhill]

If you have an adult daughter, I'll presume H's mother is elderly. I'll also presume you've been married quite a long time and have been living near your parents all or most of that time. I'll also presume his mother lives alone. Clarify as appropriate.

 

How would you feel if H, as a compromise, bought a condo nearby and moved his mother there so she could be nearby, much as your parents are? Then you wouldn't be moving, no jobs to change, no friends to make, no parents to leave.

 

Marriages are teamwork. You both have families. His happens to be 1200 miles away. Yours is around the corner.

 

TBH, if he was a 'momma's boy', he'd never have moved so far away and you'd likely never have been married at all. IMO, as an older man who cared for his own mother in her final years, something else is going on. Get to the bottom of it and work it out. Otherwise, your marriage is toast.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I am surprised that he made that comment about how "you can stay" in front of your parents. Regardless of the actual issue, that seems very passive-aggressive to me. Did he mean it as a joke that failed to go over well or something? That's a pretty heavy declaration and I can see why your parents would be upset.

 

Of course, in this culture at least, it is not reasonable for him to expect you to uproot like that. Regardless of potential cultural/ value differences, the way hes approaching the issue, without discussion as an ultimatum, is not acceptable. I do like carhill's idea about moving his mom to your area as a compromise, but it sounds like you may have other problems in your marriage besides him wanting to be closer to her.

[d0nnivain]

It is a balance. At the end of their lives I did a lot for my parents & many times put them before my "new" husband. For example,

 

we had dinner with my parents every Friday, (I'm guessing he didn't hate it because he joined their club & even though my parents have been gone for almost 3 years, we're still members & still eat there on Fridays)

 

we spent holidays with my parents (as opposed to getting on a plane to go see his parents who we did see at other times of the year just not Christmas, Thanksgiving & Easter)

 

I slept in the hospital when they were hospitalized

 

when DH initially told me we might have to move if he got a promotion I offered him a commuter marriage where I would fly to him as often as possible but I couldn't move. (he never got offered the out of state promotion so it was a non-issue)

 

We talked all the time about balance. I tried to make it up to him when I had to spend more time & energy on my parents.

 

Your husband doesn't seem to want your input which is a problem. He is not open to the compromises you offer -- vacation home, having his mom come to you etc. Heck even if your daughter ends up closer to her grandmother, that is a huge bonus for your MIL & some additional reasons why it's less mandatory that you relocate.

 

Somewhere somehow you have to get him to open up.

 

As awful as this sounds, maybe she will pass before you have to make these decisions.

[TaraMaiden2]

I never really gave this much thought until yesterday when my H and I were visiting my parents.

My mother-in-law lives about 1,200 miles from us.

His mom and him have always been close. He is an only child. He flies out to see her twice a year. Once in awhile I do fly out with but with my job and finances, it's hard for me to go along also.

As we were visiting with my parents (whom we live near) we were talking about our adult daughter wanting to move to the same state where mil lives. My H said at least when we move there ( in about 5 years or so) she won't be far. I have told my H time and time again, I do not want to move there, it's nice to visit and maybe have a vacation home but not permanent residency there. My parents know this. My mom says to my H "But, what about your wife? She doesn't want to move there." He said he doesn't care, I can stay. He is going to go live near his mom. My dad just looked down and shook his head and my mom said "Well, what kind of marriage is that?" My H really didn't comment. It hit me just then that he is putting his mom before me. I didn't know what to say or do. I could clearly see it bothered my dad. I quickly changed the subject because I'd either blow up or start crying.

On our way home I didn't say anything, he brought it up. He said my parents don't live that far away and I don't spend much time with them or speak to them every day like he talks to his mom almost daily. I told him it's because I cut the apron strings. I love my parents, A LOT, but I don't feel I need to talk to them every single day. And when I do go visit them, my H calls or text me asking me when I'm going to be home. He has even gotten angry with me for being there too long. Yes, I know, other issues, not getting into that now.

How can I honestly stay married to a man who puts his mother first? When you marry, your spouse comes before parents. At least, that is how I was raised.

I understand he misses his mom and wants to be near her, I do. I would miss my parents being so far from them also. Even if my parents were deceased, I don't want to permanently move there. I have a job I like, family, and friends here. H says I can make new friends there and find another job I like. I love the state where I live. If I didn't, I would have moved a long time ago.

And TBH, I don't think my M is happy enough to move away from my home state to a place where I don't know anyone but his mom and start all over.

Maybe I'm the one being selfish not wanting to move to be closer to his mom. I don't know. But, when he said I can stay here and he will move to be closer to his mom, that just hurt.

 

I hate to say it, but this (bolded) is part of your issue.

He feels he has a right to be in control, and to be in control of you and the situation.

And if you don't like it, you know what you can do, because he's in charge. That's his sense of entitlement.

 

I would hate to be in your shoes, because in your shoes I'd be consulting a lawyer.

 

Seriously.

[loveboid]

It sounds to me like you have incompatible values. No big deal, it just means more give and take or divorcing.

[OneLife2Live]

Without consulting you, he has decided to spend his life beside his mother. His 5 year plan is to uproot you, whether you want to move or not, and he is not open to negotiation either.

At least you now know.

That is true. At least it wasn't put on me at the last minute. It gives me time to decide what I need to do.

 

If you have an adult daughter, I'll presume H's mother is elderly. I'll also presume you've been married quite a long time and have been living near your parents all or most of that time. I'll also presume his mother lives alone. Clarify as appropriate. H and I have been married almost 24 years. His mother moved out of state before I even met my H 25 years ago. So, yes, I have lived closer to my parents our whole M. My mil and sfil did come back during the Summer months to visit. But, spent it with her sisters about 2 hours away. We would go see her, or she would come see us.She is in her mid 70's and is still married to H's step-dad. His health is slowly going downhill. I hate to say it, but I don't think he will be with us much longer unfortunately. My mil may be in her 70's, but she still acts like she could be in her 50's. Very outgoing, healthy, and is active. She is older than my parents but acts younger and feels younger. Guess she was blessed.

 

How would you feel if H, as a compromise, bought a condo nearby and moved his mother there so she could be nearby, much as your parents are? Then you wouldn't be moving, no jobs to change, no friends to make, no parents to leave. Even if H wanted to do that, his mother would never agree to it. She has said in the past, she will never move back here. She loves it where she is at. But, it is a great idea, just wont fly with her.

 

Marriages are teamwork. You both have families. His happens to be 1200 miles away. Yours is around the corner.

 

TBH, if he was a 'momma's boy', he'd never have moved so far away and you'd likely never have been married at all. IMO, as an older man who cared for his own mother in her final years, something else is going on. Get to the bottom of it and work it out. Otherwise, your marriage is toast. That's the thing, he didn't move away, she did.

 

I am surprised that he made that comment about how "you can stay" in front of your parents. Regardless of the actual issue, that seems very passive-aggressive to me. Did he mean it as a joke that failed to go over well or something? That's a pretty heavy declaration and I can see why your parents would be upset.He did not mean it as a joke. He was serious, so you can see why my parents were upset.

 

Of course, in this culture at least, it is not reasonable for him to expect you to uproot like that. Regardless of potential cultural/ value differences, the way hes approaching the issue, without discussion as an ultimatum, is not acceptable. I do like carhill's idea about moving his mom to your area as a compromise, but it sounds like you may have other problems in your marriage besides him wanting to be closer to her.I agree with carhill's idea also, my my mil will never move back here.

 

It is a balance. At the end of their lives I did a lot for my parents & many times put them before my "new" husband. For example,

 

we had dinner with my parents every Friday, (I'm guessing he didn't hate it because he joined their club & even though my parents have been gone for almost 3 years, we're still members & still eat there on Fridays)

 

we spent holidays with my parents (as opposed to getting on a plane to go see his parents who we did see at other times of the year just not Christmas, Thanksgiving & Easter)

 

I slept in the hospital when they were hospitalized

 

when DH initially told me we might have to move if he got a promotion I offered him a commuter marriage where I would fly to him as often as possible but I couldn't move. (he never got offered the out of state promotion so it was a non-issue)

 

We talked all the time about balance. I tried to make it up to him when I had to spend more time & energy on my parents.

 

Your husband doesn't seem to want your input which is a problem. He is not open to the compromises you offer -- vacation home, having his mom come to you etc. Heck even if your daughter ends up closer to her grandmother, that is a huge bonus for your MIL & some additional reasons why it's less mandatory that you relocate.

 

Somewhere somehow you have to get him to open up. His mom is the main reason why he wants to move out there. But, he hates the cold winters we have and where she is, there wouldn't be. And honestly, I think if she did pass before we were able to move there, he would still want to.

 

As awful as this sounds, maybe she will pass before you have to make these decisionsOh, I highly doubt she will. I hope she is alive for many years to come. Her family has a long life span, unlike mine.

 

I hate to say it, but this (bolded) is part of your issue.

He feels he has a right to be in control, and to be in control of you and the situation.

And if you don't like it, you know what you can do, because he's in charge. That's his sense of entitlement.

 

I would hate to be in your shoes, because in your shoes I'd be consulting a lawyer. Tara, you hit the nail on the head with that one! If I'm not home right away from work, he is calling or texting asking where I am and why I'm not home yet. If I tell him I'm at my parents he will ask when I'm going to be home, he's hungry! WTF?!?!? I do not want to put blame on anyone but he learned THIS behavior from his mother. In her opinion, it's a woman's responsibility to cook, clean, take care of the kids, ya know, the 50's days that are long gone! If I didn't have to work FT, I would have no problem taking care of the chores with no help. That would be my job to contribute to the household. But, since I work FT, I shouldn't have to do it all, but I do. He mows the lawn once a week. Big fricken deal! And he likes mowing so it's not like a chore for him. So, because of that, you can see why I don't want to move 1,200 miles from my family, friends, work, and my home state.

Seriously.

 

It sounds to me like you have incompatible values. No big deal, it just means more give and take or divorcing.I love my H, and I can't imagine life without him. However, like I stated above, I'm not moving 1200 miles away from when I decided I can't do it anymore and leave him. God knows what I am going through. If and when the time comes and he wants to move, I am letting him go.

[TaraMaiden2]

That is true. At least it wasn't put on me at the last minute. It gives me time to decide what I need to do....

 

<snip>

 

...God knows what I am going through. If and when the time comes and he wants to move, I am letting him go.

 

....And in the meantime, you still get to pick up the labour-tab and do all the donkey work.

 

Could I just point out that you are teaching your daughter that this is how YOU get treated by your husband, and that you do nothing about it, so it's hard work, but acceptable?

She MUST pick up on your resentment.

If this is how her parents' marriage works - if her mother is a full-time worker AND a domestic skivvy - jeesh, what's the hourly pay-rate for that - ?!

 

I know it hurts.

I know it's difficult (understatement of the year)

But I'm sorry, you need, for your sake and that of your daughter, to make some tough decisions, right now.

Even if it means confronting him and telling him

 

"I'm done here. After your last discussion with your mother about moving, and your disdainful and disrespectful comments about me, to MY parents - I think we should do it sooner rather than later. And to help you with your move, I'm filing for divorce."

 

That will be the hardest thing you will ever have to say.

 

But at least you will precipitate his intentions and show him exactly what you are made of.

By virtue of the fact that he has loaded every responsibility onto your shoulders and sat back and done nothing - he has actually nurtured hidden strengths in you.

Unbeknownst to him, he has created an independent, capable, determined and strong woman, who can live very well without him.

 

I for one, am behind you all the way....

[elaine567]

I am with Tara here, how can you live your life well with this hanging over you?

 

YOU cannot sit on tenterhooks for the next few years. waiting for him to say, "Right the house is up for sale you can come with me to my mother, or you can stay put, I am not fussed either way."

[OneLife2Live]

....And in the meantime, you still get to pick up the labour-tab and do all the donkey work.Not positive on how all the quote options work so just bolding my responses to you. H's excuse for not helping out around the house more is because he works 56 hours a week while I only work 40. He does help pay bills with some of his OT but then I have to hear about it later that he had to spend his OT on OUR bills. He has bought me things, don't get me wrong. But, they aren't real expensive things, and it doesn't happen often.

 

Could I just point out that you are teaching your daughter that this is how YOU get treated by your husband, and that you do nothing about it, so it's hard work, but acceptable?

She MUST pick up on your resentment.

If this is how her parents' marriage works - if her mother is a full-time worker AND a domestic skivvy - jeesh, what's the hourly pay-rate for that - ?!

My daughter knows this isn't a healthy R. She is in a R right now and she said she will not put up with the crap I do. She is a very strong minded woman who doesn't put up with anyone's crap.

I know it hurts.

I know it's difficult (understatement of the year)

But I'm sorry, you need, for your sake and that of your daughter, to make some tough decisions, right now.

Even if it means confronting him and telling him

 

"I'm done here. After your last discussion with your mother about moving, and your disdainful and disrespectful comments about me, to MY parents - I think we should do it sooner rather than later. And to help you with your move, I'm filing for divorce."

 

That will be the hardest thing you will ever have to say.

 

But at least you will precipitate his intentions and show him exactly what you are made of.I should talk to him about this. Sweeping it under the rug and ignoring it is not going to make him realize how hurt and angry I am about this. If he wants to be near his mom so much when the time comes, let him. If she is that important to leave me for, then he can go be with her. She will not live forever unfortunately. When she has went to be with the Lord, he will either be out there alone, or he will find some other woman, but it won't be me.

By virtue of the fact that he has loaded every responsibility onto your shoulders and sat back and done nothing - he has actually nurtured hidden strengths in you.

Unbeknownst to him, he has created an independent, capable, determined and strong woman, who can live very well without him. And you're exactly right on that one! I am a stronger person now than before I met him. We were separated 12 years ago for 6 months (long story) and I was fine without him. He promised he would change, go to counseling, blah, blah, blah. Things were going well, but after a year, he was back to the same crap I left. I was stupid!!!!

 

I for one, am behind you all the way....

Thanks! I wish I could say the same for my family. That doesn't include my parents.

[OneLife2Live]

I am with Tara here, how can you live your life well with this hanging over you?

 

YOU cannot sit on tenterhooks for the next few years. waiting for him to say, "Right the house is up for sale you can come with me to my mother, or you can stay put, I am not fussed either way."

Thankfully, we rent so if he does decide one day it's time to go, I wont have to worry about the house being sold. We owned the first 10 years of our M. But, I wanted to move in the country and acreages are way out of our budget unless we wanted to buy a major POS house that needed a lot of work. My rent is much cheaper than if we bought. There is pros and cons to renting and owning. I would rather rent in the country than buy in town.

There is a reason why I am sticking it out this long, but I don't want to get into it. Let's just say, in a few years I will not even have to work and will be able to afford to be single and not have to rely on any help or work my ass off 40 hours or more a week. If I D him now, the possibilities of that will probably not be there.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thankfully, we rent so if he does decide one day it's time to go, I wont have to worry about the house being sold. We owned the first 10 years of our M. But, I wanted to move in the country and acreages are way out of our budget unless we wanted to buy a major POS house that needed a lot of work. My rent is much cheaper than if we bought. There is pros and cons to renting and owning. I would rather rent in the country than buy in town.

There is a reason why I am sticking it out this long, but I don't want to get into it. Let's just say, in a few years I will not even have to work and will be able to afford to be single and not have to rely on any help or work my ass off 40 hours or more a week. If I D him now, the possibilities of that will probably not be there.

Ah. A woman with a plan.

 

So you're not so much of a sucker after all...!

 

Ok, well, hang in there. If ever you want to vent, scream in frustration or let it all out here, feel free. Best place for it.

But keep to the plan.

Think ahead, and maintain that goal.

 

And rebel, ok?

 

Don't make this an easy or comfortable ride.

 

I was in the position you are, once, of being everything to all people while my H just sat and did 2 parts of three-fifths of bugger all, every day.

 

So I just complained loudly and one day, he turned round and said "for chrissakes, do I have to hear this all the time?!"

 

To which I replied, calmly, "Yup. That's the price you pay for doing nothing and letting me do all the work. You get to hear me complain about it. Either get off your fat ass and help, or deal with the fact you'll get your ear chewed off, every time!"

 

Well, he still sat around and did nothing, but he got to know I wasn't too happy about it, and I let off steam!

[OneLife2Live]

Ah. A woman with a plan.

 

So you're not so much of a sucker after all...!

 

Ok, well, hang in there. If ever you want to vent, scream in frustration or let it all out here, feel free. Best place for it.

But keep to the plan.

Think ahead, and maintain that goal.

 

And rebel, ok?

 

Don't make this an easy or comfortable ride.

 

I was in the position you are, once, of being everything to all people while my H just sat and did 2 parts of three-fifths of bugger all, every day.

 

So I just complained loudly and one day, he turned round and said "for chrissakes, do I have to hear this all the time?!"

 

To which I replied, calmly, "Yup. That's the price you pay for doing nothing and letting me do all the work. You get to hear me complain about it. Either get off your fat ass and help, or deal with the fact you'll get your ear chewed off, every time!"

 

Well, he still sat around and did nothing, but he got to know I wasn't too happy about it, and I let off steam!

Sorry Tara for not replying sooner, I have been really busy with work and well, as you know, picking up after him and taking care of the house.

Here's a little update: We have been talking about this, and he still is not budging one bit. In fact, he is looking at house for sale in the area to get ideas what he would like to purchase when the time comes. WTH? Then he brings home tonight a floor plan he made for a house that he said we can build instead of buy. I asked him why we can't build here when the time comes and have a vacation house where his mom lives. Nope. He said there is no reason to stay where we are.

I told him I am not moving 1,200 miles from our kids (whom are in their early 20's) and not M but in CR. His answer "They will come with us." WTH? Maybe they don't want to? I know my son's GF will not want to move, that is far from her own mother. Her and my son have been together for 6 years, i highly doubt my son will move if his GF doesn't want to. If they get M and have children, I don't want to be 1,200 miles from my grandkids either.

It's not MY fault his mother decided to move that far from him when he was in his early 20's. If he wanted to be close to her then, why didn't he move with her and get his own place and be near her? Why does he think he needs to uproot me and not give two sh@ts about how it makes me feel?

I guess when the time comes where he decides it time to move, I will have to flat out tell him no, especially if my kids are not wanting to move there either.

I know your spouse should come before your children, but I don't want to be that far apart from them, especially when they get M and start their own families.