NC Journal

[Dela]

NO NO NO write a letter. Get all your anger out. Then read it. Then rip it into tiny pieces and burn it! Hug

 

 

Thanks. went for a walk. i will do that. had a pretty angry day. does this anger help me detach more? cuz i would like more of it!!!

[Dela]

i keep going to sleep very late (4-5-6 in the morning)... can t really focus on anything major.. it s chaos in my mind...

 

went for a mani pedi today figured it will make me feel better... well, i don t know if it did... i even made a joke and said "hell, i can still suffer with the nails done"...

 

so i can t seem to get my **** together, i spend a lot of time in the house and most of the time i don t feel like talking to anyone. so i guess i shuld call this a "little" depression, since this is what it is.

[Ifalltopieces]

i keep going to sleep very late (4-5-6 in the morning)... can t really focus on anything major.. it s chaos in my mind...

 

went for a mani pedi today figured it will make me feel better... well, i don t know if it did... i even made a joke and said "hell, i can still suffer with the nails done"...

 

so i can t seem to get my **** together, i spend a lot of time in the house and most of the time i don t feel like talking to anyone. so i guess i shuld call this a "little" depression, since this is what it is.

 

Not sure how you feel about prescription meds but I finally had to go to my family dr and get a prescription for a sleep med/anti depressant.

 

When I told MM..I actually thought he might be supportive. Instead he said "oh geeeez don't tell me you went to a shrink for crazy pils"?

 

Yeah. That was last year. I threw them away because he made me feel like a psycho. A few weeks ago I went back and got more. Who cares what he thinks?Before him I slept just fine.

 

They help great. Maybe you need a little something to help you sleep.

 

Sorry for my rant...

[Dela]

Not sure how you feel about prescription meds but I finally had to go to my family dr and get a prescription for a sleep med/anti depressant.

 

When I told MM..I actually thought he might be supportive. Instead he said "oh geeeez don't tell me you went to a shrink for crazy pils"?

 

Yeah. That was last year. I threw them away because he made me feel like a psycho. A few weeks ago I went back and got more. Who cares what he thinks?Before him I slept just fine.

 

They help great. Maybe you need a little something to help you sleep.

 

Sorry for my rant...

 

 

i m taking 5 HTP (natural ones) they r ok. i would like to try something else if there is something really good (lol).

maybe u can send me a message with the name of the pills or post it here.

 

5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) is a chemical by-product of the protein building block L-tryptophan. It is also produced commercially from the seeds of an African plant (Griffonia simplicifolia).

 

5-HTP is used for sleep disorders, depression, anxiety, migraine and tension-type headaches, fibromyalgia, binge eating associated with obesity, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and along with prescription drugs to treat seizure disorder and Parkinson's disease.

 

How does it work?

5-HTP works in the brain and central nervous system by increasing the production of the chemical serotonin. Serotonin can affect sleep, appetite, temperature, sexual behavior, and pain sensation. Since 5-HTP increases the synthesis of serotonin, it is used for several diseases where serotonin is believed to play an important role including depression, insomnia, obesity, and many other conditions.

 

 

thanks

[lookingforclosure]

I take .25mg of Xanax at bedtime to help sleep...but I wake almost every night at 4 am...uuugghhhh so frustrating. But I can't handle the typical SSRI that they would prescribe for anxiety/depression

[Ifalltopieces]

Dela I sent you a message

[E-Heart]

Hi Dela!

 

I'm a nurse and here's a name of a medication for sleeping: Zopiclone

It is often prescribed to patients where I work to help them sleep!

 

I personally took Zopiclone and it really does work great! No drowsiness in the am A solid 5-6 hours of sleep! Can't take it often though as you will build a dependence, but I tell you...it worked very well for me!

 

You definitely need some sleep! Lack of sleep can definitely affect your mood! If not this medication, I'm sure you'll find something to help!

 

How do I PM you? I can't seem to figure it out!

[Dela]

Hi Dela!

 

I'm a nurse and here's a name of a medication for sleeping: Zopiclone

It is often prescribed to patients where I work to help them sleep!

 

I personally took Zopiclone and it really does work great! No drowsiness in the am A solid 5-6 hours of sleep! Can't take it often though as you will build a dependence, but I tell you...it worked very well for me!

 

You definitely need some sleep! Lack of sleep can definitely affect your mood! If not this medication, I'm sure you'll find something to help!

 

How do I PM you? I can't seem to figure it out!

 

 

Thank you. I do sleep but very late (or early in the morning 5-6) and i wake up at noon i m taking the pills only because they make me feel calm and relaxed. Some xanax would be good sometimes when i m nervous and i can t deal with my emotions, but i can only take them from a shrink and here they ask too many questionsso i m ok for now with the 5HTP and LS (lol)

 

hugs

 

(u can send provate message by clicking on my name and u have the option there) thanks

[NewLeaf512]

i keep going to sleep very late (4-5-6 in the morning)... can t really focus on anything major.. it s chaos in my mind...

 

went for a mani pedi today figured it will make me feel better... well, i don t know if it did... i even made a joke and said "hell, i can still suffer with the nails done"...

 

so i can t seem to get my **** together, i spend a lot of time in the house and most of the time i don t feel like talking to anyone. so i guess i shuld call this a "little" depression, since this is what it is.

 

 

 

Maybe we could call it grieving. Every dream that ends either is celebrated or grieved. Be easy on yourself.

[Dela]

Maybe we could call it grieving. Every dream that ends either is celebrated or grieved. Be easy on yourself.

 

 

Oh... wise words. thank u. hugs

[Shinebrightforever]

Just found this thread. MM had mini D-day and only contacts me when at work now. But...he hasn't been at work for many weeks due to the nature of his job. In 8 weeks, we have had extremely sporadic contact. 4 times is all. I am an emotional wreck. Want to message him and tell him how important he is to me still, then 2 seconds later, want to tell him to go screw off and leave me alone forever. Feel abandoned, empty, confused....used. He goes back to work in 4 weeks...but I think NC will continue., that we are over in a cowardly fashion. Every day I want to reach out to him and fight doing so. I haven't messaged him in 6 weeks. But it's still painful as heck as we saw eachother recently and the Sparks flew again. It's brutal, I get you all!!

[Dela]

Just found this thread. MM had mini D-day and only contacts me when at work now. But...he hasn't been at work for many weeks due to the nature of his job. In 8 weeks, we have had extremely sporadic contact. 4 times is all. I am an emotional wreck. Want to message him and tell him how important he is to me still, then 2 seconds later, want to tell him to go screw off and leave me alone forever. Feel abandoned, empty, confused....used. He goes back to work in 4 weeks...but I think NC will continue., that we are over in a cowardly fashion. Every day I want to reach out to him and fight doing so. I haven't messaged him in 6 weeks. But it's still painful as heck as we saw eachother recently and the Sparks flew again. It's brutal, I get you all!!

 

 

hei Shine

 

i m sorry u are hurting si bad. but why u keep this A going? i mean if u have no contact or seeing each other and he wants u to play by his rules, why don t just end it?

 

hugs. hang in there

[Shinebrightforever]

I keep it going because I fell for him. Been going on for 4 years....I know...smh...

[Shinebrightforever]

hugs. hang in there

 

Thanks...hugs back

[BROKENOW]

LTA doctor said I'm depressed. Two years since affair ended but we remained in contact. It waswas very intense love. Feelings are hard to stop. Iknow. Hisfamily put pressure on him He's acoward. His family put. pressure on i. know loves me hard to stopand stillstill in love

 

Two weeks not seen him until yesterday and stupidly followed him thinking he'd stop (we always did this). Felt so stupid as he had someone in the car. He should be working. He saw me. I drove off. Cried all night. Just wanted to say hi. Why didn't I stop myself. He's playing happy families and I'm existing only. So sad.

Edited July 31, 2015 by BROKENOW

[Dela]

Well, came to visit my parents today for few days. At least I left my place and the city and I'm away. Had a nice day, wasn t too depressed and I had a nice chat with my mom ( she knows ant him)...

 

I miss him and we seem to "communicate" thru profile pictures on the app we used ))) I change a pic, he does and so on:))) that s so romantic . He s still checking it everyday... It s been 2 weeks since I saw him. I can t believe I survived so much. Seems like years. How is everyone else doing today?

 

Hugs

[E-Heart]

Actually feeling low this evening and I know exactly why...

 

MM's in laws are going to be in town this weekend (until Tuesday)....and then...

 

MM and W are going to Europe for a two week vacation.....and then...

 

MM and W are going back his hometown to celebrate mom's birthday with a ton of family there....

 

SHOOT ME!!!!

[BROKENOW]

E heart.. I had this quite often. Big family get togethers. Thing is this is probably why MMs lose intimacy in the marriage as they're always distracted of the problems with family members and I know my BS appeared to always invited his family over when we were at our most intense. They'd stay for months. . So I'm guessing it's all to forget the real problems in the marriage. Doesn't show much except conflict avoidance. I mean you can't have intimacy with your mother in the next room. BS uses family as a tool to keep him in the marriage. At least I know our years together were just us and were real and very intimate. I can hang on to that.

[Josmatjes]

LTA doctor said I'm depressed. Two years since affair ended but we remained in contact. It waswas very intense love. Feelings are hard to stop. Iknow. Hisfamily put pressure on him He's acoward. His family put. pressure on i. know loves me hard to stopand stillstill in love

 

Two weeks not seen him until yesterday and stupidly followed him thinking he'd stop (we always did this). Felt so stupid as he had someone in the car. He should be working. He saw me. I drove off. Cried all night. Just wanted to say hi. Why didn't I stop myself. He's playing happy families and I'm existing only. So sad.

 

This happened to me a few times this past year. He always used to stop and we would talk or he would text me immediately after. Then it stopped and he turns away. We were so in love it was so intense. How he forgot is amazing to me and so hurtful. I was so depressed for so long.but I began forgetting this year also. Keep going you will be okay!

[E-Heart]

E heart.. I had this quite often. Big family get togethers. Thing is this is probably why MMs lose intimacy in the marriage as they're always distracted of the problems with family members and I know my BS appeared to always invited his family over when we were at our most intense. They'd stay for months. . So I'm guessing it's all to forget the real problems in the marriage. Doesn't show much except conflict avoidance. I mean you can't have intimacy with your mother in the next room. BS uses family as a tool to keep him in the marriage. At least I know our years together were just us and were real and very intimate. I can hang on to that.

 

Makes sense! If she feels something is wrong, then why not invite her parents to make them all feel like family and have him focus on them!

 

It doesn't explain the amazing trip to Europe they are planning....he doesn't want to go....but blah blah blah! I don't see anyone forcing him to step on that plane. I know he's "not ready" and wants to go to more counseling sessions before doing anything! They always go on a trip at this time so it was expected. There's not more excuses after he's back from his mom's bday though!

 

So he's going on Europe trip and trying to fit in a session before heading to his mom's for almost a week! And then another one when he's back!

 

I just wish I could look into the future and see what happens! UGH!!!

[Poppy47]

Well, came to visit my parents today for few days. At least I left my place and the city and I'm away. Had a nice day, wasn t too depressed and I had a nice chat with my mom ( she knows ant him)...

 

I miss him and we seem to "communicate" thru profile pictures on the app we used ))) I change a pic, he does and so on:))) that s so romantic . He s still checking it everyday... It s been 2 weeks since I saw him. I can t believe I survived so much. Seems like years. How is everyone else doing today?

 

Hugs

Dela

Are you or are you not NC? I have lost track.

POppy.

[Dela]

2 weeks NC and i feel i m dying!!!!!!! ****, i didn t think it will hurt so much.

Sometimes when i go to sleep i pray to just die and don t wake up the next day (i m not suicidal or something) but i just feel the pain so heavy that u d just wish for it to go away!!! I feel like, when he left my place 2 weeks ago, he took ME with him. I feel like a robot and my emotions and chaos in my mind seem to have a party. It s a big noise and i really need some peace!!!

[kieraglass]

It's funny, reading all of your NC stories. All these MMS who are conflicted and scared and all this drama you ladies go through. Just like mine.

 

Reading has made me feel no so alone, but it's also done something else. It's made me see, finally, that maybe my MM isn't so special, and maybe what we had isn't this bright beautiful tormented star crossed unique thing....but....just another textbook effing affair.

 

My MM is your MM. He is funny and smart and bright and handsome and when he holds me, everything stops. My MM is your MM. He is the only man I've ever felt this close to. He is the only man who has understood me. My MM is your MM. He wants to leave and be with me so very badly, but the time isn't right. His wife is controlling. They don't have sex. He's going to do it soon, eventually, some day. I'm waiting, I'm X number days NC, I'm sad, I'm doing badly doing better, oh my god.

 

What a crock of s--t.

 

This has really been eye opening.

 

Ladies, they follow a SCRIPT.

 

I'm so blown away right now. All of us suffering for these carbon copy men and their fear and their lies and their self centeredness.

 

I'm three days NC right now. Feel like hell. I alternate between crying, not giving a crap, and laughing at what a ride this has been. I have barely left the house. Checking my phone obsessively, sad not to see anything, but happy not to see anything. I may be going crazy. My son is on his full weekend with his dad, and i won't see him til monday, for one night, then he goes back til Thursday. Generally I have the majority of custody, aside from the first week of the month. It sucks that it's now. Ugh. I'm going to spend four of the next five nights alone, during NC.

 

It's going to take superhuman will.

 

But reading your brave stories really helped. These guys are all the same. They've left us for dead, for what? For fake half lives and lies.

 

Whatever we're going through here during NC, at least it's authentic and real.

 

I'm resisting getting a bottle of wine. I think I'd like to very much get buzzed and sit outside on the steps alone and cry and smoke cigarettes. Tell me not to. Since the baby passed last august I've been drinking a little more, all these nights alone the past year with the custody getting split of my seven year old with exH, and it scares me. Maybe once, twice a week. I'm not Betty ford by any means, but this year, since I left my marriage pregnant and became not pregnant, has seen me change. I like not feeling. It's going to be hard to go through NC for a week with my son gone without giving in and having three glasses of wine. I never had much of a desire to drink before I met this man and our affair progressed to all this drama on my side. His side is still serene and picture perfect. It's insane.

 

I'd like to be put in a medically induced coma to get through this NC. It's looking grim.

[Dela]

It's funny, reading all of your NC stories. All these MMS who are conflicted and scared and all this drama you ladies go through. Just like mine.

 

Reading has made me feel no so alone, but it's also done something else. It's made me see, finally, that maybe my MM isn't so special, and maybe what we had isn't this bright beautiful tormented star crossed unique thing....but....just another textbook effing affair.

 

My MM is your MM. He is funny and smart and bright and handsome and when he holds me, everything stops. My MM is your MM. He is the only man I've ever felt this close to. He is the only man who has understood me. My MM is your MM. He wants to leave and be with me so very badly, but the time isn't right. His wife is controlling. They don't have sex. He's going to do it soon, eventually, some day. I'm waiting, I'm X number days NC, I'm sad, I'm doing badly doing better, oh my god.

 

What a crock of s--t.

 

This has really been eye opening.

 

Ladies, they follow a SCRIPT.

 

I'm so blown away right now. All of us suffering for these carbon copy men and their fear and their lies and their self centeredness.

 

I'm three days NC right now. Feel like hell. I alternate between crying, not giving a crap, and laughing at what a ride this has been. I have barely left the house. Checking my phone obsessively, sad not to see anything, but happy not to see anything. I may be going crazy. My son is on his full weekend with his dad, and i won't see him til monday, for one night, then he goes back til Thursday. Generally I have the majority of custody, aside from the first week of the month. It sucks that it's now. Ugh. I'm going to spend four of the next five nights alone, during NC.

 

It's going to take superhuman will.

 

But reading your brave stories really helped. These guys are all the same. They've left us for dead, for what? For fake half lives and lies.

 

Whatever we're going through here during NC, at least it's authentic and real.

 

I'm resisting getting a bottle of wine. I think I'd like to very much get buzzed and sit outside on the steps alone and cry and smoke cigarettes. Tell me not to. Since the baby passed last august I've been drinking a little more, all these nights alone the past year with the custody getting split of my seven year old with exH, and it scares me. Maybe once, twice a week. I'm not Betty ford by any means, but this year, since I left my marriage pregnant and became not pregnant, has seen me change. I like not feeling. It's going to be hard to go through NC for a week with my son gone without giving in and having three glasses of wine. I never had much of a desire to drink before I met this man and our affair progressed to all this drama on my side. His side is still serene and picture perfect. It's insane.

 

I'd like to be put in a medically induced coma to get through this NC. It's looking grim.

 

Hello. Welcome to the "NC Club". I d rather call it the hell club but heck...

I have read some of your posts. I m sorry for your baby loss. I was also pregnant...

U are 3 days NC so what u feel it s normal. First week i didn t know what day it is, didn t sleep or eat. But it does get a little better. U are brave for doing this. I do think u have waited enough. Do not waste more years waiting for this man.

Try to take some calming, zen, chill pills (i take 5HTP- no need prescription). They r ok. Do not drink your pain away. It won t go away. U still have a child that needs his mom.

Big hug and remember: IT DOES GET BETTER!

[Juno]

NC journal. Great idea.

Wish I could say NC has gotten better for me...it hasn't. Why? Because I have been dealing with trying to get over him for the past SIX (6) years. There has not been one single day in the past 6 yeàrs that I have not thought of him. Not one. Sure we have not had any physical contact, nor have we seen each other, but the torment is ever present.

 

We go 6 to 9 months of complete NC, then he reaches out. I am never abłe to resist his banter/flirts, but always draw the line when he presses to see me. He gets mad and this insane cycle begins again for another 6 - 9 months.

 

This has been my hell for the past 6 years. I miss him and desire him even thou I know he is a no good, low down, dirty dog!