NC Journal

[Dela]

There is a lot of hope for you.

 

You are a highly perceptive, insightful, and amazingly intelligent woman.

 

You will be OK.

 

 

thank you... i hope to be better, with or without him.

 

i m sad since last night. it was ok to talk to him and see him wondering if he made the right choice, but it makes me sad knowing that he isn t ready to do something about it. he isn t ready to try.

 

i know that he loves me. as stupid as it might sound. he didn t beg me to go back, he didn t lie to me, he didn t told me to wait. he spent almost all night (until 4 am) talking to me and telling me that he knows i was not in his life fo fill a void, that he had built something else with me, that he feels miserable for not doing something for us, that he s scared and not ready but that he really got to love me in all this time.

 

this A has put me on my knees. i feel like walking thru a hurricane, like fighting everyday for my sanity.

[Satu]

thank you... i hope to be better, with or without him.

 

i m sad since last night. it was ok to talk to him and see him wondering if he made the right choice, but it makes me sad knowing that he isn t ready to do something about it. he isn t ready to try.

 

i know that he loves me. as stupid as it might sound. he didn t beg me to go back, he didn t lie to me, he didn t told me to wait. he spent almost all night (until 4 am) talking to me and telling me that he knows i was not in his life fo fill a void, that he had built something else with me, that he feels miserable for not doing something for us, that he s scared and not ready but that he really got to love me in all this time.

 

this A has put me on my knees. i feel like walking thru a hurricane, like fighting everyday for my sanity.

 

I can really understand how you are feeling

 

You are grieving.

 

You are in the grief process.

 

 

There two kinds of grief:

 

 

1. The grief of losing something that you had.

 

and,

 

2. The grief of not getting something that you wanted.

 

 

You are experiencing both kinds of grief, so its very hard.

 

 

But we human beings have incredible self-healing resources. We cut ourselves, but we heal. We break a leg, and it heals.

 

It's the same with our hearts and minds. We have innate healing resources, and we can heal those kind of wounds too.

 

It takes time, but you'll get there.

 

 

Take care.

[E-Heart]

thank you... i hope to be better, with or without him.

 

i m sad since last night. it was ok to talk to him and see him wondering if he made the right choice, but it makes me sad knowing that he isn t ready to do something about it. he isn t ready to try.

 

i know that he loves me. as stupid as it might sound. he didn t beg me to go back, he didn t lie to me, he didn t told me to wait. he spent almost all night (until 4 am) talking to me and telling me that he knows i was not in his life fo fill a void, that he had built something else with me, that he feels miserable for not doing something for us, that he s scared and not ready but that he really got to love me in all this time.

 

this A has put me on my knees. i feel like walking thru a hurricane, like fighting everyday for my sanity.

 

This has to get better! It can't really get much worse. I think that we are feeling quite the same right now....I'm on Day 3 of NC (except for staring at the online status). I went to counselling today (I have been every two weeks for a while now)....and he said that this is a good decision because what I will allow, will continue!

 

Miss him so much, but keeping my head up!

[Dela]

This has to get better! It can't really get much worse. I think that we are feeling quite the same right now....I'm on Day 3 of NC (except for staring at the online status). I went to counselling today (I have been every two weeks for a while now)....and he said that this is a good decision because what I will allow, will continue!

 

Miss him so much, but keeping my head up!

 

hi Heart

 

good thing u re going to C. it s a hard time until things stat to look a little better. i had 2 major break ups in my life so far, but this the 3rd is nothing like the others. i feel i m on my knees begging for some peace and light.

 

i also miss mine so much, besides being my lover, he was also my friend for this time. i miss that too.

 

hope u ll feel better. hugs

[E-Heart]

hi Heart

 

good thing u re going to C. it s a hard time until things stat to look a little better. i had 2 major break ups in my life so far, but this the 3rd is nothing like the others. i feel i m on my knees begging for some peace and light.

 

i also miss mine so much, besides being my lover, he was also my friend for this time. i miss that too.

 

hope u ll feel better. hugs

 

Yes, lover and best friend for me too! I haven't felt so comfortable with someone and laugh so much! I actually just broke NC 20 minutes ago, but it was just a short chat. He texted me first. No "miss you" and stuff like that! Maybe he was expecting me to talk about "us" but I didn't! He wished a good night and "Bye".

 

Hope you all feel better soon too!

[E-Heart]

Day 3

 

Feeling down tonight! Feeling really tired too...it's been a long busy week + going NC on top of that. Being tired is definitely not helping!

 

Just feel like crying...everything hurts! I keep thinking of him saying that I'm making it impossible for him to be with me right now (because I have so many downs....as if still being with his wife isn't also a problem) and that he wants to be with someone who is well.

 

I know...that's a jerk thing to say! I just feel so stupid.

 

I think this weekend will be a big test for him! Looks like (I'm not going to share how I know this...soooo ssssnnnnnneaaaakkky) he's going to be alone for a good part of the weekend! We will see if he reaches out to me! If he does, I know it's just because his wife isn't there and that he's feeling lonely! HA!

[Dela]

Day 3

 

Feeling down tonight! Feeling really tired too...it's been a long busy week + going NC on top of that. Being tired is definitely not helping!

 

Just feel like crying...everything hurts! I keep thinking of him saying that I'm making it impossible for him to be with me right now (because I have so many downs....as if still being with his wife isn't also a problem) and that he wants to be with someone who is well.

 

I know...that's a jerk thing to say! I just feel so stupid.

 

I think this weekend will be a big test for him! Looks like (I'm not going to share how I know this...soooo ssssnnnnnneaaaakkky) he's going to be alone for a good part of the weekend! We will see if he reaches out to me! If he does, I know it's just because his wife isn't there and that he's feeling lonely! HA!

 

 

hei, Heart. how are u feeling? how is everyone else feeling?

 

i spent my day at a baby s Bday party. it was nice, kept my mind off of my xMM.

 

my friend (who is married and the mother of the baby) read my last conversation with him. she said he s stupid but he loves me BUT what s the point is he says he s not ready to do something?... she is so right.

i miss him like crazy. tomorrow will be 1 week since we broke up

 

i realized i have found some peace since this ended. at least i don t think everyday about IF he s going to do something, when, how, i m not waiting for him to come or text etc... but i do miss him everyday and hope for a miracle.

[C2681]

But by contacting him to tell him you have your head on straight, is telling him just the opposite and your will sing into that hole again. Do NOT contact him. That's the only way to prove to him, and even more importantly , to yourself, that your are your normal self again.

 

He doesn't need to hear that from you.

 

Stay strong. And stay complete NC!! " Fight through the pain because giving up will hurt so much more." That quote helps me get through my NC..

 

Listen to Nikki76, fight through the pain. Contact again to have him leave AGAIN is the worst. It just starts the clock again, because while you think you might have your head on straight it is so easy to fall back in. Day 4 for me of LC and this is because we work together. I had to wfh two days this week so I didn't have to see him or hear his voice. Stay strong you can do this.

[E-Heart]

Well I totally broke NC a couple of days ago! We work together and it's making it impossible!

 

Although keeping it as friends only! I can't handle being more than that unless he leaves his wife.

 

I found out about some lies....lies so that I don't get upset....but also so that he doesn't have to deal with me while I'm upset and while he's trying to figure out how to leave his wife....UGH! He said he was wrong to lie to me! (of course) I told him I better not find out about other lies and that if he has anything else to tell me, to tell me right away, but he said that that was it! He wonders how I find out about the lies; it's just a gut feeling that the story isn't really working out, and then I ask questions! DUH!

 

So we were NC for 3 days, and that pushed him to make an appointment to go see a counselor. He says he doesn't want to be his wife anymore, but doesn't know how to do it - hence the appointment! He said he felt miserable during the 3 days of NC!

 

All this is nice, but I'm keeping my distance! I still like and want to believe that our story is different than every other typical "MM/OW" story, but it's getting harder and harder to do so!

 

(sorry for the double post...I posted this in the "wrong" thread")

[Poppy47]

Well I totally broke NC a couple of days ago! We work together and it's making it impossible!

 

Although keeping it as friends only! I can't handle being more than that unless he leaves his wife.

 

I found out about some lies....lies so that I don't get upset....but also so that he doesn't have to deal with me while I'm upset and while he's trying to figure out how to leave his wife....UGH! He said he was wrong to lie to me! (of course) I told him I better not find out about other lies and that if he has anything else to tell me, to tell me right away, but he said that that was it! He wonders how I find out about the lies; it's just a gut feeling that the story isn't really working out, and then I ask questions! DUH!

 

So we were NC for 3 days, and that pushed him to make an appointment to go see a counselor. He says he doesn't want to be his wife anymore, but doesn't know how to do it - hence the appointment! He said he felt miserable during the 3 days of NC!

 

All this is nice, but I'm keeping my distance! I still like and want to believe that our story is different than every other typical "MM/OW" story, but it's getting harder and harder to do so!

 

(sorry for the double post...I posted this in the "wrong" thread")

 

Sorry E Heart.. your story sound pretty ordinary in the MM/OW stakes.

 

Poppy.

[Dela]

Well I totally broke NC a couple of days ago! We work together and it's making it impossible!

 

Although keeping it as friends only! I can't handle being more than that unless he leaves his wife.

 

I found out about some lies....lies so that I don't get upset....but also so that he doesn't have to deal with me while I'm upset and while he's trying to figure out how to leave his wife....UGH! He said he was wrong to lie to me! (of course) I told him I better not find out about other lies and that if he has anything else to tell me, to tell me right away, but he said that that was it! He wonders how I find out about the lies; it's just a gut feeling that the story isn't really working out, and then I ask questions! DUH!

 

So we were NC for 3 days, and that pushed him to make an appointment to go see a counselor. He says he doesn't want to be his wife anymore, but doesn't know how to do it - hence the appointment! He said he felt miserable during the 3 days of NC!

 

All this is nice, but I'm keeping my distance! I still like and want to believe that our story is different than every other typical "MM/OW" story, but it's getting harder and harder to do so!

 

(sorry for the double post...I posted this in the "wrong" thread")

 

 

hei Heart. it s good to keep distance. don tbreak NC again.

 

i also told mind many times to go C. i even told him to go woth his W, try to figure things out. i really want to tell him again (if we talk again) to go see a counselor, put his **** together and decide what to do. i was hoping it would be a good time, since we broke up and he can use this time to work on himself also as i do.

 

i hope things work out for u. i hope that counselor puts some sense into him or give him some huge b@lls (lol)

 

until then, work on yourself. u might not have control over his decisions, but u have on yourself.

 

hugs

[Bluebell26]

I'm Day 2 NC. My XMM started seeing a counselor a year ago... Knows what he wants (or so he says...), but just can't seem to do it. Don't get your hopes up....

[Dela]

I'm Day 2 NC. My XMM started seeing a counselor a year ago... Knows what he wants (or so he says...), but just can't seem to do it. Don't get your hopes up....

 

 

hi. how are u feeling?

 

well, maybe they will do something in 50 years, who knows... (sad lol)

[Bluebell26]

hi. how are u feeling?

 

well, maybe they will do something in 50 years, who knows... (sad lol)

 

The sadness comes and goes. Reading the comments here and the stories helps immensely. You so badly want to believe these MMs. I don't understand how easily they live a lie. I need to keep up the NC. I don't deserve this misery, and nor do you!

[NewLeaf512]

I'm Day 2 NC. My XMM started seeing a counselor a year ago... Knows what he wants (or so he says...), but just can't seem to do it. Don't get your hopes up....

 

My ExMM went to therapy too for 6 months and concluded he needed to leave the M. He told BW everything (so he said) and I never heard from ExMM again. Start making steps towards living your life. You are enough and you deserve not to be a consolation prize. Hug

[E-Heart]

hei Heart. it s good to keep distance. don tbreak NC again.

 

i also told mind many times to go C. i even told him to go woth his W, try to figure things out. i really want to tell him again (if we talk again) to go see a counselor, put his **** together and decide what to do. i was hoping it would be a good time, since we broke up and he can use this time to work on himself also as i do.

 

i hope things work out for u. i hope that counselor puts some sense into him or give him some huge b@lls (lol)

 

until then, work on yourself. u might not have control over his decisions, but u have on yourself.

 

hugs

 

Definitely working on myself! Not letting this put me down anymore! I have no control on his decisions so I'm going to stop worrying about it!

 

I have so much to look forward to career-wise right now, and that is what I'm focusing on! Going to do things that I love doing that I've been putting on stand-by in case I could see MM....not anymore!

[Dela]

My ExMM went to therapy too for 6 months and concluded he needed to leave the M. He told BW everything (so he said) and I never heard from ExMM again. Start making steps towards living your life. You are enough and you deserve not to be a consolation prize. Hug

 

i told mine so many times to go. i actually thought about it the last days and i sooo wanted to text him and say "GOOOO, do it for me, use this time we are apart and put ur $h!t together" but i won t do it. he s a big "boy".

[Dela]

Definitely working on myself! Not letting this put me down anymore! I have no control on his decisions so I'm going to stop worrying about it!

 

I have so much to look forward to career-wise right now, and that is what I'm focusing on! Going to do things that I love doing that I've been putting on stand-by in case I could see MM....not anymore!

 

 

oh, the horror of not making any plans JUST IN CASE HE CALLS... this was so ****ed up. i remember my friends asking me if i want to do something and i would say "well, i will let u know on X day"

u go girl!!!

[E-Heart]

hei Heart. it s good to keep distance. don tbreak NC again.

 

i also told mind many times to go C. i even told him to go woth his W, try to figure things out. i really want to tell him again (if we talk again) to go see a counselor, put his **** together and decide what to do. i was hoping it would be a good time, since we broke up and he can use this time to work on himself also as i do.

 

i hope things work out for u. i hope that counselor puts some sense into him or give him some huge b@lls (lol)

 

until then, work on yourself. u might not have control over his decisions, but u have on yourself.

 

hugs

 

And yes....some huge b@lls are needed here! LOL! That made me laugh! ( I actually told him that....that he needed to grow some balls! hehehe!)

[Dela]

How is everyone feeling today?

 

I just realized that i m experiencing some depression symptoms.

 

I do not cry a lot as i did last week, but i m in the house almost all the time (unless i really have to go out to do something - so far since the break up i went 2 times to the park, 2 times i visited my friend (1 time beause of the b day) to the salon to make my eyebrows, to the uni to get my diplomas and to the market to get food and cig. plus things i did around the house (clean, cook etc)

 

this is what i did in 9 days. i didn t spend all day in bed or something. but i don t seem to have any disire to do something. i am thinking to do things, but i just postpone them all the time... :/

[Dela]

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

 

you can’t sleep or you sleep too much sleep too much

 

you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult sometimes

 

you feel hopeless and helpless maybe

 

you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try

didn t try that much

 

you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating lost appetite

 

you are much more irritable, short-tempered, or aggressive than usual

no

 

you’re consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in other reckless behavior no alcohol, just cig

 

you have thoughts that life is not worth living (seek help immediately if this is the case) NO

 

 

Signs and symptoms of depression include:

 

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.

Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.

Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.

Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).

Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.

Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.

Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.

Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.

Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.

Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Dela
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[Dela]

Experiencing anger today... Not feeling ok

[lookingforclosure]

I am as well Dela

 

Hang tough

[Dela]

I am as well Dela

 

Hang tough

 

I am tempted to contact him because of this. I d say some stuff to him:mad:

to get this all out:( i m actually imagining myself screaming at him

Today i had many thoughts. One of them was (for a few seconds) to get back together. It scared me as i don t wanna go back. But i am scared that i will:((

[NewLeaf512]

I am tempted to contact him because of this. I d say some stuff to him:mad:

to get this all out:( i m actually imagining myself screaming at him

Today i had many thoughts. One of them was (for a few seconds) to get back together. It scared me as i don t wanna go back. But i am scared that i will:((

 

NO NO NO write a letter. Get all your anger out. Then read it. Then rip it into tiny pieces and burn it! Hug