I'm an idiot

[C2681]

Ok I am sorry I stopped replying on my one and only post. I think I got scared and didn't want to hear the negativity. So I avoided - common thread for cheaters right? So here's the update for my last post...

 

He was fishing - almost 8 months in of as much LC as possible (we work on the same team) he starts being nice and we start talking. Started casually on IM throughout the workday and we take walks just to chat and then gradually became emailing to our work email at home hours and weekends. Nothing other than joking friendly responses like we first started having during the early point in our friendship prior to the affair. This goes on for almost 5/6 weeks and then he goes silent at work again and only has short responses.

 

Yesterday during a work IM exchange I asked if we were still ok talking and he told me "if it's about work." I knew what that meant - right in the middle of a major crisis that he was assisting on at that time as well. I wanted to cry but carried on with my day and proceeded to attend a HH that was scheduled that night for a co-worker who was in town. I knew he was going to be there and in my head I didn't want to let him make me sulk again and be isolated like I was before after D-Day with our team members. I walked in and sat at a different table than he was. Over the course of HH and dinner I had 3 drinks, I'm thinking he may have had one or two more. As people leave my table becomes the main table and he stays to join (apparently his wife and kids are out of town for this week which is why he was even able to attend the event). He slides in and sits next to me and I try to make it not so obvious that I froze. He rubs my leg and I keep making excuses why he isn't making advances (it's a small booth, he was adjusting his jeans, we were laughing, etc) but he continues. I get up to excuse myself to go to the ladies and when I come back we all tab out.

 

We walk out as a group and we are parked in the same direction. I walk a little faster and can hear him picking up the pace, I was stupid and then slowed down. He grabs my hand and waist and pulls me close to him, then tells me we can't do this. I tell him I'm sorry, I was going to respect his request for work only conversation. He then says he knows it's him and he misses me and just wants to do the right thing. I proceed to walk away and he pulls me back, I'm such a stupid girl. We stay there for over half an hour as he tells me how much he cares about me, but when he sees his girls he doesn't miss me, but after they are gone he misses me again. (I have noticed he scrolls through their pictures a lot at work so maybe this helps him limit contact which is good) how he misses my friendship and we spill our guts over how hard the last 9 months have been. Stupid stupid stupid. All this while I let him hold me, and touch me, hug me etc. we don't kiss because I couldn't look up at him, so he kissed my forehead. I also couldn't hug him because I told him how much he hurt me and continues to hurt me. he says that's how we are meant to be "push/pull" effect of our TwinFlame relationship. Yes I know - we are stupid enough to think we are twin flames.

 

So needless to say at the end of this backtracking progress time, he said he needs to focus on his family and we have to only be "co-workers". I am hoping we don't have to be for long, since I'm in the interview process for another job (same group different departmen) I hope I get it because we both agreed working together makes it so much more difficult to get over eachother - although he says we will always "care" about me even if he can't show it the way he wants to.

 

I am an idiot - I am trying to reconcile with my husband - he's trying to reconcile with his wife I think (didn't mention her but she came in the office yesterday on the way out of town so I'm assuming so.) and I let him get physical with me. Granted it was like pg-13 rated and I didn't put my hands on him but wth is wrong with me. He told me I make it so hard for him because I have lost weight and "I'm one of the most unique and outgoing individuals he has ever had the pleasure of knowing" and I stupidly was flattered?! Also my previous thread was about him telling me "to tone down my wardrobe when we would do double dates" I got flack for that, I don't dress provocative ly. I'm more of a hippy/punk girl with blue hair and tattoos and I wear dresses and converse. It's nothing bad but says that my personality is what makes me so likable, which probably in Guy talk means he likes my boobs.

 

So sorry for the long post, but now I am at work today and just needed to write this down to get back to the pretending he doesn't exist. All while having group messages and IMs with his face pop up all morning.

 

Ok I'm ready if this gets bad with my responses I have swallowed my don't take it personal pill.

[LovelyBrown]

Hi! I can relate to your post, and I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm married too and I can't understand why it's been so difficult to move on! Working with these guys doesn't help the situation at all!

 

I have not gone physical with MM, was very close last week... I feel like an idiot too because 2 months ago he came around to tell me he couldn't be with me and didn't want an affair, blah blah.... I went NC for a few weeks, then LC for a couple more weeks and now he's back, all nice and sweet and last week we were holding hands and longingly looking at each other in the office! LIKE WTF?! Why is he doing this if he's not willing to do anything? Meanwhile I can't move on

 

I hope you can get a new job! Staying away from them is the only way to move on... At least that's my guess.

[Josmatjes]

Your not an idiot, your human. We all have our weaknesses. The only way to move on is to change jobs and if you can't, you can't start the texting thing again because let's face it, that's what draws us all in!

 

Stay strong!

[Satu]

Don't call yourself an idiot.

 

Thats very toxic thinking.

[privategal]

Very hurtful. So he goes on a diet from cake...but still wants cake. Doing the right thing hurts. He seemed to be talking out both sides of his mouth hugging and kissing you, then breaking up at the same time. Very tough pill for you to swallow. So sorry.

[Qboro90]

Gotta make your decisions based on the information/facts/and actions you've been given. He's telling you he wants to make it work with his wife and kids. You're still married as well (going to say that if you have such strong feelings toward this man that you're officially out of love with your hubby so should divorce him if so). You're his temptation and easy "escape" girl to play with. The fact that you let him hug touch and kiss your head for a half hour shows that your easy for him to control. You've established that you'll be there and like/want him regardless of what he says and does to you. Why should he leave his wife when he's got you anytime he wants. All he has to do is pull out a couple of lines and say he misses you and you're in the palm of his hand. When he said he wants to make it work with his wife you should've said "ok I'll make it easy for you" and left.

 

Also, do your co workers know about your relationship with him? If so then I'm sure you've developed a bad reputation at work and this might effect you getting a promotion there. If they don't know then eventually they will. If he's touching you in public with them and you're being visibly into each other's, rumors and talk are inevitable. Do you really want to be the work slut? Even if you're not that's how you will be perceived. If he's using his girls as an excuse then you know he's not leaving his wife. He's not going to never see them by getting divorced. He's leaving his wife, not his kids. Regardless if he was going to leave he would have by now. Next time it happens you need to get closure even if it's incredibly difficult for you. Tell him that it's time you both acted like adults. Flirting and holding each other after a few drinks and texting/im'ing is for teenagers, not married men and women. He's torn between wanting to continue sleeping with you or make it work with his wife. I think he sees you as more of a physical/sexual temptation rather than a emotional one where he wants to date and be with you. Him touching you like he does and telling you about your looks shows me that. It's all part of the ploy to have sex. That's the main goal but he's keeping you on the hook by talking about the emotional triggers which keep you there which I'm sure you're not getting with your husband.

 

No contact, end things with him finally.

[RainDown]

You're not an idiot. You're a woman who is confronted daily with your affair partner to whom you a strongly attracted. As long as you are in proximity to him you are bound to have slips like this - similar to the alcoholic who hangs out in the bar.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it. What's done is done. All you can do now is get back to LC, find another job, and hopefully go full NC when circumstances allow.

[whichwayisup]

You need to start looking for another job, working there is keeping your feelings for him very much alive. Fact that you still refer to him as your twin flame and you still feel that connection also shows that you aren't focusing on your marriage or husband. The same mistakes are being made as before. You're risking your marriage and family life for flirtation and attention by him, knowing full well you two are supposed to not be in contact other than professional reasons. If his wife finds out, this time around she WILL contact your husband. As I said on your other thread in June, you're extremely lucky she didn't call him and tell him the truth. Maybe if you and your husband had a Dday the inclination to stay totally professional with him and be in NC mode outside of work with him would have stuck because you'd have consequences to face at home. Your husband has no clue that you're totally in love with someone else.

 

I hope you start looking for another job. For obvious reasons.

[C2681]

Hi! I can relate to your post, and I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm married too and I can't understand why it's been so difficult to move on! Working with these guys doesn't help the situation at all!

 

I have not gone physical with MM, was very close last week... I feel like an idiot too because 2 months ago he came around to tell me he couldn't be with me and didn't want an affair, blah blah.... I went NC for a few weeks, then LC for a couple more weeks and now he's back, all nice and sweet and last week we were holding hands and longingly looking at each other in the office! LIKE WTF?! Why is he doing this if he's not willing to do anything? Meanwhile I can't move on

 

I hope you can get a new job! Staying away from them is the only way to move on... At least that's my guess.

 

Thanks for understanding was a little scared to get them but I was going crazy at work not being able to think straight. Thank god he was WFH yesterday he could only make it worse had he been at work.

 

I am sorry you are stuck in limbo as well, just try to stay strong because I am coming to the realization that we are just their side plaything to escape whatever they are lacking at home. Good luck to you and hope we can both have to courage soon to say we are worth more than this.

[C2681]

Your not an idiot, your human. We all have our weaknesses. The only way to move on is to change jobs and if you can't, you can't start the texting thing again because let's face it, that's what draws us all in!

 

Stay strong!

 

I can say that for whatever reason I can't explain he is mine, and he told me I am his. I guess it's the addiction part of the whole process. I am praying I nail this interview next week with the SVP of our department, while not out of the company it will be a move from the team I'm on. I'm struggling because this is one of the biggest named companies in the world to work for and the job growth potential is unlimited. I don't have his number anymore on my phone since last time we got caught, but the whole work email that we have to do is difficult not to put a smiley or a LOl and that's how we fell into this this time.

[C2681]

Don't call yourself an idiot.

 

Thats very toxic thinking.

 

Struggling right now on those thoughts about myself, and my husband can see it. What's even worse is that he sent me a gorgeous arrangement of flowers yesterday cause he knew I had a tough night and morning yesterday. Made me think even worse of myself. Hard to see the worst in you brought out in all of this.

[C2681]

Very hurtful. So he goes on a diet from cake...but still wants cake. Doing the right thing hurts. He seemed to be talking out both sides of his mouth hugging and kissing you, then breaking up at the same time. Very tough pill for you to swallow. So sorry.

 

I asked him "what am I to you some plaything, is this an ego thing that I make you feel better?" He said his wife asked the same thing- and he told her he cared about me and I was his best friend. Told me he misses me then two words later again were "but even though I miss you I have to do what's right for my family" I was walking away after the most hurtful line of when I said I thought he hated me these past 9 months and he said he doesn't hate me he "really cares about me" but "he hates that I infiltrated his family and hurt them" I was like "wow - I see how you feel... Started to walk away" he pulls me back asking what was wrong and I couldn't even keep the tears back, which at that point he hugs me and I just let him. I couldn't even walk away when he basically blamed me for his family hurting, granted I take some of the blame but shouldn't he say that about himself?!

Anyways thanks for your supportive words and I am trying to move on.

[C2681]

You need to start looking for another job, working there is keeping your feelings for him very much alive. Fact that you still refer to him as your twin flame and you still feel that connection also shows that you aren't focusing on your marriage or husband. The same mistakes are being made as before. You're risking your marriage and family life for flirtation and attention by him, knowing full well you two are supposed to not be in contact other than professional reasons. If his wife finds out, this time around she WILL contact your husband. As I said on your other thread in June, you're extremely lucky she didn't call him and tell him the truth. Maybe if you and your husband had a Dday the inclination to stay totally professional with him and be in NC mode outside of work with him would have stuck because you'd have consequences to face at home. Your husband has no clue that you're totally in love with someone else.

 

I hope you start looking for another job. For obvious reasons.

 

Rhank you for the reply, very lucky I know. But now I am questioning if I should tell my husband. He knows I know deep down he knows, I did tell him I was talking with My coworker again and I knew he was a little concerned, but didn't ask me not to. After receiving what was one of the most beautiful arrangements that he has sent me I had a panic attack at work. I told XAP that I received flowers and he talked me down off the ledge cause I told him I couldn't go home and lie to my husband again and have him holding and consoling me as I was upset about someone else. His response was "I know you can and you will be ok" honestly I think he is freaking out now as well because before it was reversed he would freak out and want to tell his wife and I would calm him down. So needless to say I come home and I am crying through a television show as he holds me and he keeps asking what's wrong. This morning same thing, he's seen this before he has to know and I am to the point I can't deal with this guilt of lieong to him... Is it selfish to tell the truth now at this point? Our kids will be out of town with my inlaws for 3 weeks and I am traveling on business next, I thought if I told him Sunday before I left he would have a week without me to sort through his feelings without me here, and then we would have 3 weeks to either work through the beginning of crisis phase or work through him leaving me.

Also regarding me telling HH, he would probably tell me to tell BS because his first wife cheated on him and he said BS should know the truth to make informed decisions. I woulent want to, but I also couldn't stop my husband from talking to her either.

 

Any insight on this anyone? I'm so conflicted and an emotional wreck right now...

[What_Did_I_Do]

So sorry you are going through this mess.

 

No you do not belong to each other. He is using you as a play thing when the mood strikes him. This is a game to him and very real to you. Please don't try to mesh the two...you will come out on the losing end. Your self esteem will take an epic blow. He's told you on more than one occasion he wants to work on his M and cannot be involved with you. This push-pull drama has got to be exhausting.

 

Get mad. Maybe think of him smiling for his wedding photos or tickling the back of his W's neck in hopes of getting lucky tonight. This dude is a jerk. Then figure out why you are doing this to your H. He is the man you should be with.

[RainDown]

Rhank you for the reply, very lucky I know. But now I am questioning if I should tell my husband. He knows I know deep down he knows, I did tell him I was talking with My coworker again and I knew he was a little concerned, but didn't ask me not to. After receiving what was one of the most beautiful arrangements that he has sent me I had a panic attack at work. I told XAP that I received flowers and he talked me down off the ledge cause I told him I couldn't go home and lie to my husband again and have him holding and consoling me as I was upset about someone else. His response was "I know you can and you will be ok" honestly I think he is freaking out now as well because before it was reversed he would freak out and want to tell his wife and I would calm him down. So needless to say I come home and I am crying through a television show as he holds me and he keeps asking what's wrong. This morning same thing, he's seen this before he has to know and I am to the point I can't deal with this guilt of lieong to him... Is it selfish to tell the truth now at this point? Our kids will be out of town with my inlaws for 3 weeks and I am traveling on business next, I thought if I told him Sunday before I left he would have a week without me to sort through his feelings without me here, and then we would have 3 weeks to either work through the beginning of crisis phase or work through him leaving me.

Also regarding me telling HH, he would probably tell me to tell BS because his first wife cheated on him and he said BS should know the truth to make informed decisions. I woulent want to, but I also couldn't stop my husband from talking to her either.

 

Any insight on this anyone? I'm so conflicted and an emotional wreck right now...

 

Is is possible for you to do nothing for now? It's easy to make wrong decisions when you're in such a conflicted and emotional state. You say you are traveling on business next week. Can you hang in there until then and use that time to collect yourself and think through a course of action?

 

I'd hate to see you do something rash in your current state.

[jwi71]

OP,

 

A few Q's.

 

1) What does your H know? (Whole truth, 1/2 truth, nothing, etc...)

2) What do you want to happen?

3) What did you want to accomplish by having the A?

4) Are you in IC (and MC)?

[LovelyBrown]

Rhank you for the reply, very lucky I know. But now I am questioning if I should tell my husband. He knows I know deep down he knows, I did tell him I was talking with My coworker again and I knew he was a little concerned, but didn't ask me not to. After receiving what was one of the most beautiful arrangements that he has sent me I had a panic attack at work. I told XAP that I received flowers and he talked me down off the ledge cause I told him I couldn't go home and lie to my husband again and have him holding and consoling me as I was upset about someone else. His response was "I know you can and you will be ok" honestly I think he is freaking out now as well because before it was reversed he would freak out and want to tell his wife and I would calm him down. So needless to say I come home and I am crying through a television show as he holds me and he keeps asking what's wrong. This morning same thing, he's seen this before he has to know and I am to the point I can't deal with this guilt of lieong to him... Is it selfish to tell the truth now at this point? Our kids will be out of town with my inlaws for 3 weeks and I am traveling on business next, I thought if I told him Sunday before I left he would have a week without me to sort through his feelings without me here, and then we would have 3 weeks to either work through the beginning of crisis phase or work through him leaving me.

Also regarding me telling HH, he would probably tell me to tell BS because his first wife cheated on him and he said BS should know the truth to make informed decisions. I woulent want to, but I also couldn't stop my husband from talking to her either.

 

Any insight on this anyone? I'm so conflicted and an emotional wreck right now...

 

Do you want to stay with your husband? Do you love him anymore or enough to make it through the results of this A?

My husband knows nothing, and I won't ever say anything, it will destroy him he is already dealing with enough emotional stress, this would break him. That being said our relationship was not good, it's still not good and I don't think will ever be good. I'm currently working on my exit strategy that will be less stressful and hurtful for our children.

I need to let go of MM because he clouds my judgement, the more I feel for him the less I care about my H. Is that the case with you? I would recommend taking the time to think things through on your own.

[Artie Lang]

to be honest, it doesn't seem like you're making any progress. in terms of being honest with your husband, i mean. it doesn't sound like he has the full picture regarding the affair... correct me if i'm wrong. furthermore, why are you still communicating with this d0uchebag... telling him about the flowers and your dilemma about informing your husband about the events you just described. you need to tell your husband everything that happened. until then, i don't think you can move on from this. it's as simple as that.

 

 

you're still romanticizing the affair. you need to make it clear to this guy that anymore contact- other than work related -will be deemed inappropriate and will be regarded as harassment. as long as you don't put stop to this, this guy will keep fishing. in all seriousness, i don't think you have it in you to put a stop to this, at least not yet. that's just what it looks like from the outside looking in.

[C2681]

So sorry you are going through this mess.

 

No you do not belong to each other. He is using you as a play thing when the mood strikes him. This is a game to him and very real to you. Please don't try to mesh the two...you will come out on the losing end. Your self esteem will take an epic blow. He's told you on more than one occasion he wants to work on his M and cannot be involved with you. This push-pull drama has got to be exhausting.

 

Get mad. Maybe think of him smiling for his wedding photos or tickling the back of his W's neck in hopes of getting lucky tonight. This dude is a jerk. Then figure out why you are doing this to your H. He is the man you should be with.

 

While I hate to see him in that light, but I think you are right and he is using me for whatever is lacking in their marriage or as some fantasy. I am not a mad or mean person by nature but I am starting to get perturbed with the fact that he thought he could just grope me like I was some cheap blowup doll. All while going on about how we can't be friends just co-workers and talking about his family. Meanwhile I am silently crying and he continues and I didn't stop it.

[C2681]

OP,

 

A few Q's.

 

1) What does your H know? (Whole truth, 1/2 truth, nothing, etc...)

2) What do you want to happen?

3) What did you want to accomplish by having the A?

4) Are you in IC (and MC)?

 

1) half truth- if that he knows we had an inappropriate (EA) relationship and W found out.

2) If I had a Delorean I would go back 15 months and keep everything platonic. Since I can't, I want my family which includes my H

3) H and I were in a tough spot last year and I couldn't look at him and AP was there as a friend at first to talk through. It didn't start off as attraction but we grew to care for eachother. We wanted to be cake eaters - we never asked the other to think about a life outside what we have.

4. No and I am thinking I need to be

[C2681]

Do you want to stay with your husband? Do you love him anymore or enough to make it through the results of this A?

My husband knows nothing, and I won't ever say anything, it will destroy him he is already dealing with enough emotional stress, this would break him. That being said our relationship was not good, it's still not good and I don't think will ever be good. I'm currently working on my exit strategy that will be less stressful and hurtful for our children.

I need to let go of MM because he clouds my judgement, the more I feel for him the less I care about my H. Is that the case with you? I would recommend taking the time to think things through on your own.

 

 

Honestly yes I want to stay with my husband. We were REALLY making progress. He was my best friend again, and what kills me is that we just had our 11th wedding anniversary Sunday and I do this Monday. MM has me confused whenever we are together and we both said that - we overanalyze even the most professional emails and exchanges for hidden messages. I need to let him go and the only way I can do that is moving jobs.

[C2681]

to be honest, it doesn't seem like you're making any progress. in terms of being honest with your husband, i mean. it doesn't sound like he has the full picture regarding the affair... correct me if i'm wrong. furthermore, why are you still communicating with this d0uchebag... telling him about the flowers and your dilemma about informing your husband about the events you just described. you need to tell your husband everything that happened. until then, i don't think you can move on from this. it's as simple as that.

 

 

you're still romanticizing the affair. you need to make it clear to this guy that anymore contact- other than work related -will be deemed inappropriate and will be regarded as harassment. as long as you don't put stop to this, this guy will keep fishing. in all seriousness, i don't think you have it in you to put a stop to this, at least not yet. that's just what it looks like from the outside looking in.

 

No he doesn't know the extent, and I would crush him at first but I know he would be able to move on. I am moving towards that realization as well, but wonder if it's selfish cause that is the only way I can keep myself from MM...

[C2681]

Is is possible for you to do nothing for now? It's easy to make wrong decisions when you're in such a conflicted and emotional state. You say you are traveling on business next week. Can you hang in there until then and use that time to collect yourself and think through a course of action?

 

I'd hate to see you do something rash in your current state.

 

It is possible, but my husband knows something is up and I've been lieing so much that I don't know how much. More I can take. Just looking at him HH makes me break down.

[whichwayisup]

Your H knows something is off, he knows there's been inappropriate behavior, maybe he's just waiting for you to tell him. He obviously loves you, supports you and chances are high that he'll forgive you and want to give you a second chance. Sure he'll be hurt and angry, feel betrayed once he hears the truth but for you, it's a clean slate and a way to finally make yourself accountable to stay away completely from MM. You'll have to quit your job, and that will make your life better without seeing MM daily.

[LovelyBrown]

Honestly yes I want to stay with my husband. We were REALLY making progress. He was my best friend again, and what kills me is that we just had our 11th wedding anniversary Sunday and I do this Monday. MM has me confused whenever we are together and we both said that - we overanalyze even the most professional emails and exchanges for hidden messages. I need to let him go and the only way I can do that is moving jobs.

 

Then, yes! Continue to make every effort to find a new place to work.

Your story and mine are so similar! MMs wife has reached out to me as well, and I know I'm back in very dangerous ground... Also, I was told we were old soul mates and have shared at least one past life together, which is why we have this pull towards each other... AND read into every single part of our communications! I can tell what mood he's in from the way he opens and closes an email, even the most proffesional ones... How do professional adults end up in these situations?

 

Best of luck! And feel free to reach out to me anytime, I know how addictive and destructive this all is.