Girlfriend cheated, can't get it out of my mind- few questions

[bil832]

My ex girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me after things were going so well, we'd just been on holiday together a few weeks before and i'd just lend her and one of mine/her friends money to go away together on a little girls holiday. After 3 days of being there she told me she'd cheated on me and says she's been feeling differently about us and thinks we should break up. She went out that night with the same guy from holiday and slept with him again so I feel she had no regret or guilt at the time, her main excuse was her drinking but if that was the case she wouldn't have met him the next night with her friend, they could've gone somewhere else and had a drink, instead she ended up back in bed with him so it doesn't add up. I got angry told her I wanted to see her when she's back to talk about it all as we'd been texting each other about it with the odd phone call which I couldn't handle.

 

I ended up moving out and telling her parents who are very good friends to me as we've lived with them for about the past 4 years without any issues and they said they never want to lose touch with me and to keep a key to see them when I feel I can go back to the house. Once moving I called her told her i'd left and that I needed an explanation and she basically said I wasn't good to her anymore and didn't treat her and make her feel special (so she thought I didn't love her anymore) which I don't agree with considering the holiday, taking her out, buying her gifts etc... and I do love her with all my heart still to this moment.

 

She's been texting me saying sorry, she does care for me and did love me etc which I don't believe if she could go do that to me and then tell me and do it again, it makes no sense. Shes been saying I want to be friends eventually when you're ready, nothing about getting back together (I do want to get back with her, but I wouldn't because it's been a few weeks and I still have it on my mind 24 hours a day, I haven't been able to spend longer than 2-3 minutes with my mind occupied on something else. I've now told her do not message me at all about anything as she's finding excuses to text me (e.g. how much do I owe you). But now have decided no matter what I wont message her but I have a desire to see her as I haven't since she's come back and I miss her I don't know what to do with myself.

 

I've tried to go out with friends every day, stay working every night ... But nothing will keep me not thinking about it, I stack shelves of a night, no exactly something that makes me think. I've decided tomorrow I'll begin to run the 45 minutes from work home instead of getting the bus and once feel I'm a bit better go to the gym then run home etc.

 

 

 

Just a few questions

 

Just wondering if anyone could help me with things that could take my mind off of the matter? People say time, I'm not thinking about it any less than I was 2 weeks ago :/

 

Should I see her considering I haven't since she come back? I have more questions but know she wont have the answers... Or at least any I want to hear

 

Is it a bad idea to be friends eventually? I do love her but hate her at the same time and can't trust her again which is why I don't want to get back with her, we also share a girl best friend and I will want to be friends with her parents or meet them for a drink occasionally...

 

 

Please help if you can, I know I'm kind of answering my own questions aswell

Edited July 21, 2015 by bil832

[goingcrazy111]

You sound like a great guy and you don't deserve to be treated like this! It sounds like she was using you and waiting for an excuse to break up with you. It doesn't sound like she cares too much about you anymore, so it's best to cut your losses and don't show her that you still love her!!!

 

In response to your question, it is really hard to get over someone you truly love and I think you need to accept that you'll be feeling crappy for a while. As long as you keep busy and meet with friends, that's all you can do for now. You will find yourself waking up one day and realise that you're thinking of her less and less and that the pain is fading. It takes some people longer than others. You will be okay eventually!!!

[aliveagain]

Google the "180" and make it your daily mantra. The 180 is not about winning her back but about you surviving her infidelity. If she'll cheat on you before marriage she'll cheat on you after marriage. You need to cut her out of your life, move on and being friends will only cause you more pain. No contact means no new hurts. No, do not see her, she already gave you the ILYBNILWY speech, that's the kiss of death. You got some of your balls back by leaving her while she was still gone. She no longer meets your standards, don't waste anymore time on her.

 

There is only one way to get through this and that is by getting through it. It was Winston Churchill that said, "When your going through hell keep going." Time will heal all. You dogged a bullet, do not keep a key to the house just cut her off, her family, her friends that facilitated her cheating, get rid of them all because you deserve better. Keep busy with friends, don't let her attempt to reel you in again when she discovers that the other man has more issues than you and all she was is another notch in his conquest belt. His sh*t stinks.

[goingcrazy111]

Keep your distance and don't see her for a while. You may be able to become friends in a few months/years time but not as long as you aren't over her.

[Satu]

Here are a couple of clippings from my journal:

 

 

"Always and everywhere, remember yourself."

 

Pay attention to yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your needs, things that make you feel good, your hopes, your fears, your dreams.

 

You are the centre of your world, not anybody else.

 

Be there, with yourself, at the centre of your own life.

 

 

********************************************************

 

 

Don't try to avoid your thoughts and feelings about your ex. That resistance just creates conflict and tension inside of you.

 

Let the thoughts and feelings come and go, like any other thoughts and feelings.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

You will find that there are nuggets of understanding and realisation in there which will help with your recovery.

 

If you block the painful feelings, you are at the same time blocking any good feelings which are being formed.

 

Eventually the energy in these thoughts will run out, and then they'll only rarely come to mind.

 

What you resist, persists.

 

 

********************************************************

 

 

Take care.

[casey.lives]

learn to let go

[jen1447]

Wow. I'm normally not much of an NC advocate but your story's truly egregious - cheated twice (at least), implied blatant lack of remorse and flagrant disregard for your well-being, etc., etc. Really the only way out for you here imo is to brace yourself for some serious heartache and misery in the coming months and lose all her info and all future contact with her. That'll have to include her family and probably even your mutual friend, unless they can somehow be convinced/compelled to be neutral and never speak of her and never point you in her direction in any way.

 

Any future contact with her seems pointless bc there simply is no romantic or platonic resolution possible (you can't trust her romantically and why would you even want a friend who screwed you over so bad), and it'll just prolong your agony and make your recovery more difficult and time consuming. She needs to be gone from your life.

 

Sorry this happened to you.

[Clay]

Block her and never look back. Someone who can be so cold after all the time you have been with her is clearly screwed up. No one deserves that level of disrespect. Never give her the chance to be in your life again. She made her choice.

 

C

[oldshirt]

You are on the right track and doing fairly well all things considered.

 

She basically nuked your relationship from orbit and has no intentions of continuing with you. Her actions were intentional and justified in her mind. She has pretty much dumped you fair and square and then burned the bridge for good measure with her admitted and repeated involvement with the other man.

 

So it's over. Time to move on.

 

It will leave a wound so think of 'The 180' as the treatment and apply it liberally every day. Do it to the letter.

 

As an earlier poster said, it is a means to heal and recover as efficiently as possible. It is NOT a means of winning some back.

 

You are on the right track on your own. Now read up on the 180 and do it formally and intentionally.

[oldshirt]

In regards to her wanting to be "friends", That is just her attempt to sooth her own sense of guilt (if she even has any) and an attempt to make herself feel better and to look better.

 

You have no right to be mean to her in any manner, but neither are you obligated to have a single, stinking thing to do with her. If you are driving down the road in the middle of a blizzard and find her alone with a flat tire stuck in the snow, humanity kinds of requires you to give her shelter untill the tow truck gets there, but that's really about it.

 

I think trying to have any kind of contact with her will just open wounds instead of helping heal them.

 

My recommendation is to move on with your life and leave her to hers.

 

It will occupy your thoughts and will hurt for awhile, but the more you get out and do fun things with fun people, the less it will hurt with each passing day.

[oldshirt]

Oh and also, forget about trying to get any "answers" out of her. You won't agree with any of them any way.

 

If you agreed with her reasoning for cheating on you and dumping you, you would've cheated on her and dumped her first, so no point in even going there.

 

All you will do if she explains it to you is disagree with her and try to explain to her why she's wrong and try to change her mind and I'd say her mind is pretty darn made up.

[oldshirt]

 

don't let her attempt to reel you in again when she discovers that the other man has more issues than you and all she was is another notch in his conquest belt. His sh*t stinks.

 

This is an important point as well.

 

There is about an 85% chance she will show up on your doorstep at some point saying he is a jerk and doesn't treat her well.

 

Say, "I'm sorry to hear that." And then shut the door and go back to watching your TV show with your bowl of ice cream.

 

The chances are good this guy is just banging on her for fun and once she finds out he's screwing other chicks too, she'll be looking for a shoulder to cry on and she'll want a fall-back guy and a safety net to fall into.

 

You'll be very tempted but DON'T DO IT!!!!

 

That will just make her respect you even less and it will just be a matter of time before she finds someone else and cheats on you blatantly again despite all her tears and her promises not to.

 

Worse yet is she may not even want to get back together or to have sex with you but will rather just want a shoulder to cry on and an emotional tampon to soak up all her tears. She'll want some guy to stroke her ego and tell her she's great and that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

 

DON'T BE THAT GUY!

 

Rember she said you were the jerk and didn't treat her right and you never cheated on her.

[SSJROMANCE]

Some people just fall out of love and it hurts to be on the other end of that. Sounds like you are young. Perhaps you two met too young and she hasn't had a chance to get out and explore the world.

 

I starting dating my old girlfriend when she was 14 and I was 16. We dated 8 years even lived together at my parents and in school when she finally came down. Then we lived together after I graduated. She was extremely jealous and held me back in many ways. She attempt suicide several times because of mental issues. I stuck with her even though she gave me every reason in the world to leave. But when it was her time she met an old friend from high school and cheated on me. I didn't know at the time but she did break up with me as a result of that. She threw everything away including her schooling that my parents and I were helping her through. That hurt especially after the effort that I put into that relationship.

 

Give it time. Let her go. There are other fish in the sea. Wish you luck.

[lolablue17]

You can't focus not only because you're hurt. But also because you're lost without direction or control. She controls you big time. You also hasn't broken up with her in your mind, and you live in the past.

 

If you seek peace you need to grab some control. It's a little late to recover your ego now, so it will be a little harder.

 

1. She's history!

2. Ask for the money back, but not face to face, but trough a third side. Never talk to her, and don't hesitate to tell mutual acquaintances that she's a cheater, and that she didn't give you the money. It will blow her mind and she'll be looking for you to tell you how much she is angry about you- But she will never get the chance to tell you, or write you because:

3. Full NC. Never answer in any way of communication. Block her completely.

4. Then your ego will start to heal.

 

This is the mission you need to focus on, in my opinion. To make her be frustrated, and to never answer.

Edited July 21, 2015 by lolablue17

[Poppyolive]

Here are a couple of clippings from my journal:

 

 

"Always and everywhere, remember yourself."

 

Pay attention to yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your needs, things that make you feel good, your hopes, your fears, your dreams.

 

You are the centre of your world, not anybody else.

 

Be there, with yourself, at the centre of your own life.

 

 

********************************************************

 

 

Don't try to avoid your thoughts and feelings about your ex. That resistance just creates conflict and tension inside of you.

 

Let the thoughts and feelings come and go, like any other thoughts and feelings.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

You will find that there are nuggets of understanding and realisation in there which will help with your recovery.

 

If you block the painful feelings, you are at the same time blocking any good feelings which are being formed.

 

Eventually the energy in these thoughts will run out, and then they'll only rarely come to mind.

 

What you resist, persists.

 

 

********************************************************

 

 

Take care.

 

 

This ^^^ satu, you are the voice of reason.

[bubbaganoosh]

So how many questions are you ready to ask? One , two, a dozen?. I went that route a long time ago and waited 40 years for the answers and I may as well should have waited 80 because NONE of the answers were good enough. Ask one and you'll have two more. ask tow and you'll have four more and I promise you that there will be no light at the end of the tunnel just a dead end.

 

My advice, get your money back you lent her, tell her to mail it to you and move on. You'll be much happier.

[AlexAnsara]

1) Ways to take your mind off of her: first keep doing what you're doing. Stay busy. Start finding new activities, making new friends if you feel like you would like a bigger social circle. Is there something you want to do that you've been putting off doing because you were spending time with her/working on the relationship? I have wanted to become an EMT (volunteer) for a while now, and now that my disgusting ex is gone, I have the free time to do so!

Maybe during work you can listen to podcasts or something while stacking the shelves? I used to work in a warehouse and that would always occupy my mind.

 

2) I know you want answers. You want to be able to point to the reason so that you understand. Maybe she had temporary insanity. Or maybe you were doing something wrong in the relationship that you don't know about. And those things may be true. But the reason she did it is because she's an *********. If she was having problems in the relationship she could have told you. Maybe sleeping with the guy once could be chalked up to a bad drunken decision. Doing it twice, telling you about it, and feeling fine points to some serious problems with her character. And her current answer, that you weren't being good to her, seems pretty bogus.

 

3) Ask yourself objectively, if you hadn't dated this person and you found out all this stuff about her, would you want to be friends with this person? Probably not.

 

I'm less then a week out of it myself, and believe me I feel your pain. But you have to cut off contact. If you truly do want to take her back, make a list of the circumstances under which you would take her back, like true remorse, couples counseling, etc. However, I wouldn't recommend it as she doesn't seem to want to come back or understand that her actions were wrong. It seems crazy that someone can go from a loving partner to a such a scumbag in the blink of an eye! It just indicates that they have deep issues that we have either overlooked or that they have kept hidden from us. But the good thing is now we see who they truly are and we can start to move forward.

[10thengineerharrison]

Just wondering if anyone could help me with things that could take my mind off of the matter? People say time, I'm not thinking about it any less than I was 2 weeks ago :/

 

I hate to say this, but 2 weeks is nothing when it comes to unravelling a 5 year long relationship. It could take you a couple years to get back on your own 2 feet again emotionally.

 

Should I see her considering I haven't since she come back?

 

No, you really shouldn't see her anymore.

 

I have more questions but know she wont have the answers... Or at least any I want to hear

 

The problem is that cheaters never give satisfactory answers, and they can't give truthful ones without facing what they've done. And so the betrayed person has to accept that they may never get a real answer as to why. The real reason your girlfriend cheated, of course, is because she felt like it. Do you really want to waste your future with someone with so little real integrity?

 

Is it a bad idea to be friends eventually?

 

Yes, frankly.

 

I do love her but hate her at the same time and can't trust her again which is why I don't want to get back with her, we also share a girl best friend and I will want to be friends with her parents or meet them for a drink occasionally...

 

Like I said, 2 weeks is a really short time. With time, you'll realize that you love who you thought she was, and she's just shown you that that person never really existed.

 

Please help if you can, I know I'm kind of answering my own questions aswell

 

Please keep posting. We are here to help if we can.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[HurtOfGlass]

Your situation seems similar to mine. 5 year relationship over because of GF cheating.

 

After discovery I stayed no contact with her for 10 months. I forced myself to do so. I didn't respond to any of her calls or texts. How I did this? I kept telling myself "Out of sight, out of mind". And 2-3 months down the line, her absence didn't bother me anymore. It also helped that we lived in different cities at the time.

 

You can do this.

 

No need to contact her to seek for answers. Its pointless, useless waste of time. And especially don't keep any type of contact with her parents. If you keep contact with either her or her parents will cloud your mind.

 

Good luck

[World's.Edge]

Hey Bil, sorry for what you're going through.

 

A few weeks out from a breakup is nothing. Unfortunately, there is really nothing that you can do to take your mind of the matter. She was your girlfriend for five years and you loved and cared for her so this will be with you for a long while. Your emotions are in flux right now so you will alternate between immense love to rageful hate, it's normal.

 

You should not see her and not even be think about being friends with her anytime in the near future. What would that even look like? How would you feel if she starts to date someone and tells you about their relationship or asks you for advice?

 

Keep yourself active, exercise, play sports, go to the gym and work out. You'll feel better for it and it'll keep you fit and attractive.

 

Socialize with your friends and family, go out, meet new people and try to have fun.

 

If you have close friends and relatives then talk to them about what you're going through. It helps to have people in your life for support.

 

Once moving I called her told her i'd left and that I needed an explanation and she basically said I wasn't good to her anymore and didn't treat her and make her feel special (so she thought I didn't love her anymore) which I don't agree with considering the holiday, taking her out, buying her gifts etc... and I do love her with all my heart still to this moment.

This is typical of cheater behaviour. It's known as blame-shifting and rewriting of your relationship history. What it means is that she feels no remorse, regret and accountability for what she did.

She makes your relationship seem horrible so that she feels justified in what she did and blames you as the reason for her actions so that it takes the focus off of her. If you're even thinking about getting back together, these are great reasons not to.

 

You have to avoid all and every form of communication with her, otherwise it'll set you back everytime you do have an exchange with her. You not contacting her will also cause a reactions from her, she will reach out with 'I miss you' 'Sorry' etc but don't be baited and respond, stay firm. She will also likely try coming back to you for whatever reason (she gets dumped/played/realizes that men are jerks). You will be tempted and second guess yourself every step of the way but don't crumble. Block/delete her number and all her other contact details.

 

You have a lot of suffering and pain ahead of you but once you go through it you will be better for having done so.

Edited July 22, 2015 by World's.Edge

[Morro72]

And that key to her parents' house? Drop it in the mail, today. Seriously, put your coffee down, find an envelope and a stamp, and run, don't walk, to the nearest mailbox.

[bil832]

Thanks for all posting, you've been great.

 

1. since I seem to have adapted to 2 hours sleep a day or less, it was usually a maximum for 5 hours anyway. But anyway, I'm struggling to find things to do 10-5pm, everyones working so there's nothing I can really do with anyone... I guess I'll begin working out but that wont dent the time I have to myself. Surrounding myself with people isn't realistically an option at that time of day.

 

2. Is it really that bad of an idea to see her parents every few months?

It's 2 minutes from work so when I finish at 7 they'd be having a cup of tea getting ready for work or could see them for a drink, they was really good to me even when it ended. I told them I wouldn't lose contact and they was as shocked at how she could think of doing this to me after all I have done for her. We sat for the next 7 hours after I saw them talking about and said I wouldn't lose contact with them.

If people agree that it needs to be done so I can't bump into her or it's me trying to hold on to her then I guess it'll need to be done for at least a lot longer, I asked them to not message me as often asking how things were already as I knew the wounds still fresh and i'd want to ask a question about her.

 

As long as you keep busy and meet with friends, that's all you can do for now. You will find yourself waking up one day and realise that you're thinking of her less and less and that the pain is fading.

One thing is I work nights so I have been sleeping about 2 hours a day since I've found out and that leave me from about 10am-5pm alone as all friends/family are at work and the worst time is to be alone.

 

Any future contact with her seems pointless bc there simply is no romantic or platonic resolution possible (you can't trust her romantically and why would you even want a friend who screwed you over so bad), and it'll just prolong your agony and make your recovery more difficult and time consuming. She needs to be gone from your life.

 

Sorry this happened to you.

This seems to be the general answer from all so I'll have to agree, she's now gone of all social media so now all she has is my number if she hasn't deleted it like she said she would the other day when I told her to stop messaging me.

 

You are on the right track and doing fairly well all things considered.

 

She basically nuked your relationship from orbit and has no intentions of continuing with you. Her actions were intentional and justified in her mind. She has pretty much dumped you fair and square and then burned the bridge for good measure with her admitted and repeated involvement with the other man.

Thanks and yes that's what I can't seem to get my head around, she claims a drunken mistake, yet it was twice... She claims to care and be sorry but then eventually comes round to on one way or another say I wasn't making her feel special anymore.

The fact someone can change so much so quick is beyond me, she has just continued on going out with friends she met on holiday having a good time. I know what she's like she's stubborn and will be with someone new before I know it which'll more than likely set me back to where I am now.

 

In regards to her wanting to be "friends", That is just her attempt to sooth her own sense of guilt (if she even has any) and an attempt to make herself feel better and to look better.

I do agree, I feel she's doing it to make her think if I can be friends with her then it's not really all that bad. She doesn't seem to understand the scale of what she's done, it's like she thinking I've overreacted at times. Even though we've always had the shared opinion it's disgusting to cheat, if you don't want to be with them then things need to be changed or you should not be with them.

 

Oh and also, forget about trying to get any "answers" out of her. You won't agree with any of them any way.

 

If you agreed with her reasoning for cheating on you and dumping you, you would've cheated on her and dumped her first, so no point in even going there.

 

All you will do if she explains it to you is disagree with her and try to explain to her why she's wrong and try to change her mind and I'd say her mind is pretty darn made up.

You're spot on to be honest, she's tried to explain to me with the same few excuses multiple times and it's not that they don't make sense or I don't know why she's saying them. They actually don't add up so I know at least parts of what she's saying is wrong, such as... She slept with someone although we've had to go to doctors because sex hurt for her. She can't have got any pleasure out of the experience, it was purely to drive me away... yet she keeps messaging me which contradicts that, it's messing with my mind.

 

The chances are good this guy is just banging on her for fun and once she finds out he's screwing other chicks too, she'll be looking for a shoulder to cry on and she'll want a fall-back guy and a safety net to fall into.

 

You'll be very tempted but DON'T DO IT!!!!

 

That will just make her respect you even less and it will just be a matter of time before she finds someone else and cheats on you blatantly again despite all her tears and her promises not to.

 

Worse yet is she may not even want to get back together or to have sex with you but will rather just want a shoulder to cry on and an emotional tampon to soak up all her tears. She'll want some guy to stroke her ego and tell her she's great and that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

 

DON'T BE THAT GUY!

 

Rember she said you were the jerk and didn't treat her right and you never cheated on her.

One thing I may have not mentioned was that she only met this guy on holiday, so she won't find out that he does this every week with a different girl that goes there. She seems to think he was great.

And yes I do feel like she's going to move on quickly to get over me if she hasn't already and I don't know if I can handle that.

People finding out and showing an interest in me seems to make it worse, I keep being told to just go have some fun but it seems to be the last thing on my mind.

 

Some people just fall out of love and it hurts to be on the other end of that. Sounds like you are young. Perhaps you two met too young and she hasn't had a chance to get out and explore the world.

 

I starting dating my old girlfriend when she was 14 and I was 16. We dated 8 years even lived together at my parents and in school when she finally came down. Then we lived together after I graduated. She was extremely jealous and held me back in many ways. She attempt suicide several times because of mental issues. I stuck with her even though she gave me every reason in the world to leave. But when it was her time she met an old friend from high school and cheated on me. I didn't know at the time but she did break up with me as a result of that. She threw everything away including her schooling that my parents and I were helping her through. That hurt especially after the effort that I put into that relationship.

 

Give it time. Let her go. There are other fish in the sea. Wish you luck.

She too had some mental issues, she had something which made her waist down paralyzed and have fits but this would only be a few times a month, the rest of the time she's be fine and her legs would just hurt but could walk around and do whatever.

You're right I am young I guess that will help, I guess her falling out of love with me is correct I just don't see how it can go so bad so quickly, it's not like i'd have gone mad at her for asking me to show a bit more attention, I work while she's sleep and saw me constantly, I was able to go and do things with her all the time.

 

So how many questions are you ready to ask? One , two, a dozen?. I went that route a long time ago and waited 40 years for the answers and I may as well should have waited 80 because NONE of the answers were good enough. Ask one and you'll have two more. ask tow and you'll have four more and I promise you that there will be no light at the end of the tunnel just a dead end.

 

My advice, get your money back you lent her, tell her to mail it to you and move on. You'll be much happier.

You couldn't be more right, when I was questioning her, the answers I got back made me think or 2-3 more questions and so on, it seemed like a never ending circle.

But I find myself trying to answer these questions with what I think she'll say constantly. 8 hours of working having nothing to think about it a long time, work seems like an emotional ride of being happy around a lot of staff and enjoying my breaks with the 10ish people I sit with to stacking the shelf and thinking if I don't stop thinking about this I'm going to go insane etc

 

1) Ways to take your mind off of her: first keep doing what you're doing. Stay busy. Start finding new activities, making new friends if you feel like you would like a bigger social circle. Is there something you want to do that you've been putting off doing because you were spending time with her/working on the relationship? I have wanted to become an EMT (volunteer) for a while now, and now that my disgusting ex is gone, I have the free time to do so!

Maybe during work you can listen to podcasts or something while stacking the shelves? I used to work in a warehouse and that would always occupy my mind.

 

2) I know you want answers. You want to be able to point to the reason so that you understand. Maybe she had temporary insanity. Or maybe you were doing something wrong in the relationship that you don't know about. And those things may be true. But the reason she did it is because she's an *********. If she was having problems in the relationship she could have told you. Maybe sleeping with the guy once could be chalked up to a bad drunken decision. Doing it twice, telling you about it, and feeling fine points to some serious problems with her character. And her current answer, that you weren't being good to her, seems pretty bogus.

 

3) Ask yourself objectively, if you hadn't dated this person and you found out all this stuff about her, would you want to be friends with this person? Probably not.

 

I'm less then a week out of it myself, and believe me I feel your pain. But you have to cut off contact. If you truly do want to take her back, make a list of the circumstances under which you would take her back, like true remorse, couples counseling, etc. However, I wouldn't recommend it as she doesn't seem to want to come back or understand that her actions were wrong. It seems crazy that someone can go from a loving partner to a such a scumbag in the blink of an eye! It just indicates that they have deep issues that we have either overlooked or that they have kept hidden from us. But the good thing is now we see who they truly are and we can start to move forward.

1. This response was great, podcasts sounds like a great idea and i'll look into that as music really doesn't make you feel better just makes working more enjoyable.

2. Yes I know she's done it to push me away by sleeping with him twice, she just confuses me now she's back that she wants to see me yet doesn't want to be with me still etc

3. No I wouldn't, I understand the fact I want to be with who she was and not who she is. What we had seemed perfect and I'd honestly give anything to get that back, but I know it can't be with her, I would've been able to persuade her to give it another go etc, we'll change things and go out more, but I wouldn't be able to look at her without thinking about it, it would never work.

Edited July 22, 2015 by bil832

[bil832]

People seem to keep saying to me, in a few weeks or months she'll realize what she's done to you and how badly it's affected her life and she'll come running back to you.

 

It annoys me to say that I had a dream about it last night that she was begging for me back and I didn't say anything, I just looked at her while she kept begging. I know she's not the sort of person who will actually admit she's made this mistake and come back and ask me for another chance, but that does seem to make me worse and more upset, I don't know what it means. I don't want to get back with her, I just miss who she was.

 

It's been 3 weeks since I actually last saw her and 2 and a half weeks since it happened and she told me, this is the longest by 2 weeks in the 5 years that I've not seen her for and I feel it's getting to me. I think I'm upset with how easily it has been for her to just carry on with her life, go meet girls from holiday who happened to live less than an hour away for drinks etc, I don't know if she's actually having a great time or whatever as I've not spoke to her in a few days now since I told her to stop messaging me but I see photos every now and then I can't stop myself from checking.

[eric1]

It doesn't matter how her recovery is going. Cheaters are selfish, there is a very common pattern of cheaters 'finding happiness' once dumped. They do this to prove, well, I don't know. I'm not a cheater. But it's not true happiness.

 

Here's what you do. Take a deep breath. Your last two posts are incredible and show tremendous honesty with oneself and pragmatism. You are following the right road. If you follow the right road in life then all I can tell you is that it will work out. I promise you that coming from someone who has walked both.

 

One step at a time and pretty soon you will not even care what she is doing.

 

You have a lot of time to kill. I once had the same issue. Put yourself out there. Volunteer. I personally self-studied and became certified in a bunch of computer stuff that went on to tremendously help my career.

[bil832]

It doesn't matter how her recovery is going. Cheaters are selfish, there is a very common pattern of cheaters 'finding happiness' once dumped. They do this to prove, well, I don't know. I'm not a cheater. But it's not true happiness.

 

Here's what you do. Take a deep breath. Your last two posts are incredible and show tremendous honesty with oneself and pragmatism. You are following the right road. If you follow the right road in life then all I can tell you is that it will work out. I promise you that coming from someone who has walked both.

 

One step at a time and pretty soon you will not even care what she is doing.

 

You have a lot of time to kill. I once had the same issue. Put yourself out there. Volunteer. I personally self-studied and became certified in a bunch of computer stuff that went on to tremendously help my career.

Thank you, I've found a way to not think about it while working for a lot longer spaces of tim, I started listening to comedy podcasts so takes a bit of concentration to know what they're always going on about.

An online course sounds like a great idea, I have had the idea on my mind actually just haven't looked yet, will give that a look now and let you know if I find anything interesting.

 

It's just outside of work at the moment that's the issue during the day I can't find something to occupy my mind, but I do feel like by keeping busy I'm avoiding it and not dealing with it. Meaning it is just going to make it last longer, if that makes any sense or am I completely wrong?