Trouble trusting anyone after being cheated on+problems with ex

[CantTrustPeople]

I only just found this website and read a couple stories so hopefully this is the right section. I don't have anybody to talk to in person about this stuff and am just looking for any and all advice. I know this is a fairly long story but i will try to make it shorter.

 

Basically i am 21 soon turning 22. I met my ex girlfriend when we were kids in daycare before pre school. She was one of my first friends. We grew up as best friends and started getting intimate in 8th grade, she was my first kiss. We dated throughout the 4 years of high school also being my first girlfriend and we lost our virginity to each other. It was a great relationship, we had our angst and drama yeah and occasional jealousy but for the most part it was amazing. She is beautiful but also was a bit on the insecure side and had a brief episode with depression Junior year that her family, friends and i got her through.

 

So we graduate, she decides to go to college near by, takes the train there. I didn't go to college, decided to go straight into working as i have good connections in private security and will be making a healthy living out of it. I'll get through this part quickly, lets just say she cheated on me quite a bit during her first year of college. I won't get into many details but she basically got swept up in sorority life, started drinking and you can guess the rest. I found out, many fights ensued, lots of angry words, lots of crying mostly on her part i just seemed to be very angry.

 

I cut contact with her, deleted her from my life but not just her. I deleted nearly all my friends and non immediate family too, just stopped hanging out with anybody, ignoring people who tried to help and basically focusing on nothing but work and improving myself. I had no social lifef or a while. Eventually i downloaded Tinder and made some accounts on various dating websites and tried to become social on various forums and make online friends basically. My sex life has boosted and i had made some chat buddies but i don't even really enjoy it and all i seem to be able to do is come off as a jerk. It's almost as if i have this anger towards all people. I feel like everybody has an agenda and would stab me in the back as soon as it suited them. I want companionship and affection but i squander ever chance i get to have it. I've met two women since then who looking back were honestly really sweet and a good match but i was just unable to trust them and commit to anything serious.

 

I say this now as if i have changed but i haven't. I recognize my faults but i can't help how i feel when the time comes. When an online buddy wants to meet up in real or a woman wants to make things official. I just can't trust anybody.

 

To make things worse, my ex has tried contacting me at least once every few weeks since we broke up. She has done it all. Handwritten notes, voicemails, emails, going to my parents house, ringing my bell in the middle of the night. I have not been completely NC, sometimes i end up talking to her and pretend i am indifferent to everything and just enjoying single life. Sometimes i feel bad for her when she breaks down and tells me how she misses everything we had, how we literately grew up together and it's all over because of her mistakes. Sometimes i get angry, other times i am professional until i eventually stop responding.

 

Any advice on moving forward would be appreciated. Sorry it's so long.

[d0nnivain]

You have to recognize that every woman you meet is not your EX. You can punish or reject them because of what she did. They are not her.

 

Try a dating website called FidelityDating (I think). It's for people who have been cheated on.

 

In the aftermath of the Ashley Madison hack they are stepping up their advertising.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Well what you got was a healthy dose of reality. While you shouldn't punish every woman who shows interest in you ( unless you really like masturbating, and being alone ) it IS healthy to recognize that sure....there is risk. You may fall head over heels for some girl who screws you over just as hard as the last one did.

 

Guess what? Happens to the best of us. And it happens to a lot of us RIGHT after we commit, buy the ring, have the kid, buy the house etc...

 

All you can control is what YOU do and who YOU are, and hope for the best.

 

That your sweetie has been around the block a bit is not the end of the world. Go around the block yourself a few times, and maybe meet back up.

[RightThere]

Well what you got was a healthy dose of reality. While you shouldn't punish every woman who shows interest in you ( unless you really like masturbating, and being alone ) it IS healthy to recognize that sure....there is risk. You may fall head over heels for some girl who screws you over just as hard as the last one did.

 

Guess what? Happens to the best of us. And it happens to a lot of us RIGHT after we commit, buy the ring, have the kid, buy the house etc...

 

All you can control is what YOU do and who YOU are, and hope for the best.

 

That your sweetie has been around the block a bit is not the end of the world. Go around the block yourself a few times, and maybe meet back up.

 

Damn this guy constantly gives good advice.

 

Couldn't agree more. You're going to have to roll the dice again at some point in order to move forward in a relationship. There are no guarantees you won't get screwed over again. But then again, there are no guarantees you WILL get screwed over again.

 

But I can guarantee he who hesitates............you know the rest.

[bubbaganoosh]

Back in the very early 80's i got divorced. Really ugly divorce and when the dust settled, I had a real deep bitterness about it and in my eyes I thought you can take all the women in the world, stuff them in a bag, shake it up and couldn't get one decent woman out all of them.

 

The bitterness and anger was really in high gear and a real good friend of mine pulled me to the side and told me that I was making a king size ass out of myself with my attitude and he let me know that if I keep it up, I will be friendless and blow any chance at meeting up with a good woman. It took a while for it to sink in but it did little by little. What I was doing was blaming a lot of nice ladies because I didn't have the good sense to know that I married a terrible person.

 

Don't make the same mistake. If you do then I can assure you that loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be. Your best bet is to stop all contact with your former girlfriend. By keeping even in minimum contact with her, your not letting the wound heal and it never will.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Aww bless you canttrust....this story got me bad so I had to join and give you a massive cyberhug. I've also been a lurker on here, reading and trying to understand WHY etc, sad, I know. But your story, I hear you. Completely. I am the same. Guess what? i've been single now for about 10 years, and haven't *been* with anyone for about 9 years. I can't, I just can't. I have been so badly hurt, damaged, betrayed and made to feel like the most useless worthless thing in history that as of then, no-one get's in. I know where your coming from, I know how you feel, although i'm not angry at people for it. If you knew what I went through, what was said and done to me, your mouth would drop to the floor. You don't sound as bad off as me, and hopefully, maybe, you could trust someone again. Me....no chance. NEVER. Yup, I have a problem, but i'm NOT gonna try to fix it. I will only be hurt again and it will put me in an even deeper darker place than I am now. Not even going to go there. Self protection is my mind set. Sorry if my post doesn't give you any hope, i'm just out here, feeling the same way that you do, tying to let you know I understand and your not the only one. Big hugs

[CantTrustPeople]

Thank you everybody for the replies and the advice. I can honestly say it helped a lot just to get my story out there in the public, i've never told the full details to anybody else before this thread and the past couple days i've reached out to some family for further advice. If i can take one thing out of the replies here and everything i've been told it's that the only person who can really change the way i am is myself and trust me when i say i do feel now more then ever that i can get over this phase in my life.

 

Something here really got me thinking though. When Trustedthenbusted said " Go around the block yourself a few times, and maybe meet back up." Particularly the meet back up. It made me wonder if the reason why i can't commit to anybody else is because deep down i still have some idea that we may get back together one day. I don't know if that's true and honestly i kind of hope it's not but it's had me thinking.

 

Right now i'm all words. I have plans to connect with old friends and recharge the friendships i've made online and see where that goes but i know me and i know that while i may have a good plan now everything changes when the time comes so we will see what happens there. I also have gotten off dating sites but still have Tinder, just haven't logged on.

 

Overall i am pretty positive. My thread here was just one move i made in trying to get better after being fed up with myself. I still don't know whats going to happen with my ex, it's only a matter of time before she contacts me again. I don't think i'll ignore her this time as a family member had the idea that perhaps i have to truly learn to forgive her and repair that relationship before i can trust again. Thank you all again for reading, sharing your own stories and giving me advice it's really helped.

[Mr. Lucky]

So we graduate, she decides to go to college near by, takes the train there. I didn't go to college, decided to go straight into working as i have good connections in private security and will be making a healthy living out of it. I'll get through this part quickly, lets just say she cheated on me quite a bit during her first year of college. I won't get into many details but she basically got swept up in sorority life, started drinking and you can guess the rest. I found out, many fights ensued, lots of angry words, lots of crying mostly on her part i just seemed to be very angry.

 

Truth is, you were in a relationship with an incomplete person. I don't condone the deception but spreading her wings, sexually and otherwise, was a natural part of growing up.

 

When you broke up, was she the only person you'd slept with ?

 

I'd assume she's about to graduate and, though still very young, she's a different person than she was at 17-18 years old. You might want to get to know her all over again and see what you think...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CantTrustPeople]

Truth is, you were in a relationship with an incomplete person. I don't condone the deception but spreading her wings, sexually and otherwise, was a natural part of growing up.

 

When you broke up, was she the only person you'd slept with ?

 

I'd assume she's about to graduate and, though still very young, she's a different person than she was at 17-18 years old. You might want to get to know her all over again and see what you think...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes she was the only person i had ever slept with before the break up. I didn't sleep with anybody ever until several months after the break up when i started using tinder and dating sites. I live in NYC, it was never hard to find somebody.

 

 

Like i said in my last post i'm not sure myself how i am going to respond the next time she contacts me but at this point i'm not leaving anything off the table.

[Sastrugi]

Thank you everybody for the replies and the advice. I can honestly say it helped a lot just to get my story out there in the public, i've never told the full details to anybody else before this thread and the past couple days i've reached out to some family for further advice. If i can take one thing out of the replies here and everything i've been told it's that the only person who can really change the way i am is myself and trust me when i say i do feel now more then ever that i can get over this phase in my life.

 

Something here really got me thinking though. When Trustedthenbusted said " Go around the block yourself a few times, and maybe meet back up." Particularly the meet back up. It made me wonder if the reason why i can't commit to anybody else is because deep down i still have some idea that we may get back together one day. I don't know if that's true and honestly i kind of hope it's not but it's had me thinking.

 

Right now i'm all words. I have plans to connect with old friends and recharge the friendships i've made online and see where that goes but i know me and i know that while i may have a good plan now everything changes when the time comes so we will see what happens there. I also have gotten off dating sites but still have Tinder, just haven't logged on.

 

Overall i am pretty positive. My thread here was just one move i made in trying to get better after being fed up with myself. I still don't know whats going to happen with my ex, it's only a matter of time before she contacts me again. I don't think i'll ignore her this time as a family member had the idea that perhaps i have to truly learn to forgive her and repair that relationship before i can trust again. Thank you all again for reading, sharing your own stories and giving me advice it's really helped.

 

Trusted has it right. You need to take a break from your GF. Next time she calls tell her that you both have a lot of Maturing to do and life to live. If there is real interest agree to meet again in your mid twenties and try again. I wish I had done that.

 

S.

[drifter777]

Life is difficult and relationships are the hardest part. You've learned an important lesson about being vulnerable with blind trust. You are going to be betrayed, dumped, cheated on, etc. and it's all part of life. You can recover from these things and come out stronger and smarter but it's really hard. Ending the relationship and going NC with a partner that betrayed you is the smartest, healthiest, fastest way to recover. Taking what you learned from that relationship and moving forward can take a while but you have needs and urges for sex & closeness. For this you will have to spend time with other woman so taking small chances is worth the risk. Eventually you will meet a girl that you feel is worth taking even larger risks for and you will. But blind trust? Never again.

 

End contact and stay away from your ex.