Jacob_Duluoz Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Greetings! My father re-married to my stepbrothers mother before he reached high school. My father is disabled and his mother is his primary caregiver. My stepmother is a difficult woman. They live in another state with my 26-year-old twin brother and sister. I am 28 and my stepbrother is 32. My stepbrother lives 15 miles away and commutes to his job on the freeway 10 miles past where I live no more than 5 minutes offramp. I have seen my stepbrother a total of 5 times in the last four years. Two times when I went to visit him at his home, twice when we went to dinner, and once at a wedding we both attended. The wedding was seven months ago. His father with whom he lived passed away and I finished graduate school two months ago. The funeral and graduation were the same day and time. I have contacted him via text multiple times to arrange a visit. I would also like him to be more engaged with my younger brother who is having a hard time. He hasn't really seemed to want much of a relationship since we have reached adulthood. We don't otherwise interact except for the rare text and on social media. Every single time I have to initiate contact. How do I communicate to my stepbrother that I am not satisfied with this familial relationship? Am I wrong to expect just a bit of effort? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 You are not wrong to ask for a little more effort, but you are wrong to expect it. The guy is an adult. He is free to do as he pleases. It may alienate him from the family, but ultimately it's his decision to make. You can't force him to care or to participate. If you tried it would only create resentment. Come at it with a mindset of convincing, rather than one of demanding Or expectations. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jacob_Duluoz Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 That's fair criticism. I'm just not sure he wants to be convinced. I'm also not sure I can even try to convince him directly without creating resentment. I suppose I just don't get it. I will try upping my unsolicited communication to him and see if he's more responsive in anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 May I ask, what good qualities does he have that encourage you to maintain contact? Think about it ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jacob_Duluoz Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 I really do like my stepbrothers company. He's a chill guy and fun to hangout with. We were closer growing up and have friends/hobbies in common. I'm not angry at him and I don't think he's angry at me, I just feel like he's being withdrawn. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 How do I communicate to my stepbrother that I am not satisfied with this familial relationship? Am I wrong to expect just a bit of effort? Tell him this: I am not satisfied with this familial relationship. Am I wrong to expect just a bit of effort? In other words, be direct. I think you'll get direct right back at you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jacob_Duluoz Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 My birthday is this week. Sent him a short hey it's my birthday message three days ago. No response. :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jacob_Duluoz Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 His mother and my father are struggling financially. I am unemployed post-graduate school (I'm getting interviews, no luck just yet). They demand money from me that I don't have but doesn't offer any help. He's convinced she will figure it out eventually. Yes, after she spends every last dime of his savings, pension and Social Security. Link to post Share on other sites
KittyKat67 Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 May I ask, what good qualities does he have that encourage you to maintain contact? Think about it ... :rolleyes:That was what I needed to hear as well. I have a brother that has been incredibly dismissive and rude to me that it hurts so bad. I call him and he has to go within 20 sec, on every single call I have made to him in the last 10 years. You are right. There are no qualities that I now see thats worth this disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Huh? They have little to do with you, you are unemployed, yet they want your money? None of these people deserve your time or interest. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jacob_Duluoz Posted September 24, 2015 Author Share Posted September 24, 2015 I texted him about it. He's convinced they will be just fine. We had an argument and of course all the pressure is on me. I got turned down for the second time by the same institute at my university again. I have spent the last two years studying and working trying to get ahead and it just hasn't paid off yet. My family has always been a mess, it's just getting to the point of absurdity. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 My family has always been a mess, it's just getting to the point of absurdity. When this is the case, some people realise that once they reach adulthood, the only way to be happy in their own life is to disengage from toxic relatives. Your stepbrother probably just can't deal with it anymore. It's a shame, and I feel for you all, but it is what it is. You can't force someone to want to have a relationship with you unfortunately. Focus on your own life, and put your energy into people that actually want to put in effort and spend time with you. Don't waste it chasing someone that isn't interested...stepbrother or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 When this is the case, some people realise that once they reach adulthood, the only way to be happy in their own life is to disengage from toxic relatives. Your stepbrother probably just can't deal with it anymore.... I disagree. I think his step-brother had the right attitude from day one. Other adults are not his responsibility, no matter who they are, and you can't fix them. Try affecting their lives in a positive beneficial way, and you won't be thanked for it; you'll just get put upon even more. As Jacob_Duluoz has found out to his cost. I suspect he harbours a modicum of resentment that his step-brother has managed hitherto, to side-step any familial obligations, and that he's living his life as he should: For himself. I gather some 'hurt' in Jacob_Duluoz's posts, as in "He's getting away with this scott-free; why should I have to deal with this all on my own?" The answer is: Because that's what you've chosen to do. Focus on your own life, and put your energy into people that actually want to put in effort and spend time with you. Don't waste it chasing someone that isn't interested...stepbrother or not. That's the choice you SHOULD be making, Jacob_Duluoz..... Link to post Share on other sites
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