How do I avoid making the same mistakes again?

[rams10]

I thought he must love me if he asked me to move in, but I think that was using me for $ (from his texts, looks like he got $ to help buy a new car from his ex gf's parents also). Looking back it was bad that he let me stay with him for a month early on bc my apartment was infested w pests...but promptly collected that month's rent $$ from me. I think I've been used for sex, someone to have on his arm around friends /coworkers (but he lied about his family knowing anything about me). I'm not trying to be paranoid but how could he really love me when he said it after a year only bc I said I was bothered, & afterward immediately snuck to meet another girl? And he didn't on a daily basis even care to ask about my day or talk about his- his explanation is "I don't believe in small talk, it's a waste of time, if I have something to say to you I will." But it seemed weird that he never had a word to say to me all night every night.

[Itspointless]

Rams, you say that it is important for you to have the same - or almost the same - job. Do you two ever talk about your jobs, or help each-other?

[rams10]

Rams, you say that it is important for you to have the same - or almost the same - job. Do you two ever talk about your jobs, or help each-other?

 

When I tell him i did something cool at work (which he'd understand), he stares and says "Cool." Or he will criticiZe the way I did it or say that he could do it easily took. And the few times I shared positive feedback from bosses, he said "what do you need a pat on the back?" Or said "it's dumb that your department does weekly feedback instead of monthly like mine."

[Itspointless]

When I tell him i did something cool at work (which he'd understand), he stares and says "Cool." Or he will criticiZe the way I did it or say that he could do it easily took. And the few times I shared positive feedback from bosses, he said "what do you need a pat on the back?" Or said "it's dumb that your department does weekly feedback instead of monthly like mine."

Ah yes, you wrote some of these things before. I tried to find a plus being with him. But honestly if he also is not interested or even criticising your office or you, than I cannot see the plus of him doing that job. Personally I rather have partner a partner who is interested in my job but has no clue what I am talking about than the other way around.

[rams10]

I agree with you! I never wanted to be too hard on him, but I literally never got support from him. My own mom noticed him making fun of my job position and caught him rolling his eyes at something I said. It just baffles me that if he doesn't respect me or really care about getting to know me on a deep Level, that he would continue a relationship with me and tell me he loves me (albeit rarely and only when I initiated), and ask me to move in (unless it was just for the rent $)

[Itspointless]

I agree with you! I never wanted to be too hard on him, but I literally never got support from him. My own mom noticed him making fun of my job position and caught him rolling his eyes at something I said. It just baffles me that if he doesn't respect me or really care about getting to know me on a deep Level, that he would continue a relationship with me and tell me he loves me (albeit rarely and only when I initiated), and ask me to move in (unless it was just for the rent $)

Well I said it before and it is unfortunate to conclude, but he only does care about what you bring to him materially and perhaps in the form of sex. I assume you both have sex? If you do I can imagine that it is about him meeting his needs and reaching a climax.

 

Rolling eyes is passive aggressive behaviour, your mother was right noticing that. I remember doing that myself with people who really annoyed me at that time. Anyone in love would love to know you on a deeper level.

[rams10]

He just looks so sad and says he's unable to get work done. How do I bridge the gap and show him I still care and maybe he'll change his mind

[Itspointless]

He just looks so sad and says he's unable to get work done. How do I bridge the gap and show him I still care and maybe he'll change his mind

You cannot, If it is a personality disorder, cultural or whatever it is out of our hands. Just as it was out of my hands when my ex did not want me near when she got ill. It is where my handle on this forum stems from, the situation was pointless. Trying to get him to care more is pointless too.

[Itspointless]

He just looks so sad and says he's unable to get work done. How do I bridge the gap and show him I still care and maybe he'll change his mind

In addition to the previous answer both said they do not want to change. It wasn't the illness alone, she was avoidant attached. At some point we have to take the honourable way and choose what is best for ourselves.

[rams10]

I just look at the sadness in his eyes and how he no longer avoids me, but instead tells me it's been hard to concentrate on work (which was always his "priority"), and my heart melts. I just want to know how to bridge the gap between us and make him want me back

[Itspointless]

I just look at the sadness in his eyes and how he no longer avoids me, but instead tells me it's been hard to concentrate on work (which was always his "priority"), and my heart melts. I just want to know how to bridge the gap between us and make him want me back

I know that has always been your motivation posting this thread.

 

I think he has been a huge ah*le to you who does not deserve any women, but I guess somehow women often fall for the biggest jerks. I really do not understand that. But we are not going to convince you. So ask him what you need to do to bridge the gap and let us know his answer.

[rams10]

I mean he talks to me now and I'll say "are you much happier now that all you need to do is concentrate on work?" And he just looks very sad and says no

[Itspointless]

I mean he talks to me now and I'll say "are you much happier now that all you need to do is concentrate on work?" And he just looks very sad and says no

I do not really know what to say. You asked a closed question. It does not give you any further information and due to that it says nothing you can work with. He is unhappy, but for the rest we need to guess. What we do not need to guess is that he does not share what is on his mind.

[rams10]

I did not do anything!!! He called me "crazy and neurotic," but I'm sorry for being insecure when he didn't say he loved me for over a year, finally said it back but immediately snuck out with another girl, lied and deleted texts multiple times.... WHaT did I do to Deserve him staring past me with a cold look on his face like I may as well have never lived?

[Itspointless]

I did not do anything!!! He called me "crazy and neurotic," but I'm sorry for being insecure when he didn't say he loved me for over a year, finally said it back but immediately snuck out with another girl, lied and deleted texts multiple times.... WHaT did I do to Deserve him staring past me with a cold look on his face like I may as well have never lived?

I thought you meant a recent circumstance. You probably did little to deserve that. But apparently you feel that you deserve it, otherwise you would have stopped this a long time ago.

 

How did the relationship before him end?

[rams10]

But don't you find it strange that my BF would even "play along" for 2 years if he didn't really love and care for me? Granted, I was always the one who had to bring everything up first- whether we were exclusive, saying "I love you," asking where he saw himself or us in a few years. But I thought him going along for the ride and occasionally saying "yes I'll marry you eventually, You just need to stop asking and trust me to do so," meant that he must actually mean it. Unless he was just trying to appease me and say what he needed to keep me around. But why keep me around unless he loved me? Although he did have me paying half his rent.

 

On the second date he originally just suggested I come over his place and "watch a movie"; I texted back that I wasn't just interested in a hookup, at which point he changed the plan to ice cream. But after like 15 minutes of talking (I didn't feel he was super interested in getting to know me, he announces "let's get out of here" and takes me back to his place to sleep with him anyhow. Even early dating was him rarely texting, never calling, never planning dates in advance but just going along with what I suggested occasionally (like "you want me to come to your friends party? Do you want to meet there or drive together?" And that was us seeing each other over weekend)

Edited August 8, 2015 by rams10

[Itspointless]

Rams, I cannot give you the answers you want, I only can make guesses. The fact is I don’t know. Some people cannot be alone, and it sounds like you’re convenient to him. He just will do enough to to make use of the things you offer him.

 

What does he add to your life and does he add more than your boyfriend before him?

[rams10]

Maybe he'll never be the committed partner I want. after over a year I said we may not be on same page bc he never said "I love you" back, and at that point he said it back, I hugged him, went out w my best friend as I'd planned, and his immediate response was to try to meet up w another girl at bar at midnight- which he's obviously already "lined up," as he proceeded to severely flirt-text with her once she was out of town. If this is what happened then maybe he was never serious about me despite asking me to move in (probably for the rent discount, as we all know he lied about ever actually putting my name on lease yet did allow me to pay half rent)?

[Itspointless]

Maybe he'll never be the committed partner I want.

Yes. that is what we all think, plus that we all think that he treats you like crap. You have three options here and two of them are scary. The options: 1. You forget everything, 2. you ask him , 3. you leave him.

 

There certainly is a reason you are posting here, so do not think that option 1 is really an option as deep down you agree that he treats you like crap. Remember that he told already told you that he is not going to change.

 

Have you already spoken with friends or family about this?

[rams10]

I just don't know what I really did to Ruin this relationship. Yes I've talked to family and friends and they all say nothing, he's screwed up. He says I'm neurotic and not trusting but it was hard to trust him after the lies above, coupled with just generally not caring to ask me questions, tell me he loves me (ever ), etc

[CarrieT]

I don't believe there was ever a relationship to "ruin."

 

You said you slept with him on the first date. I think he found you easy and - yes - convenient.

 

You simply went along in hopes of something else; something that never materialized but you seemed to believe would based on his comment One Time.

[rams10]

carrieT, the first date he said after dinner, "maybe we can hang out somewhere now." I mentioned a few cocktail bars and he said "no. I meant one of our apartments." Tried hard to come in the first date. Second date, he told me (after just texting me maybe twice that week), "why don't you come over and watch a movie at my place?" I responded that I wasn't interested in just a hookup. He then took me for ice cream and I thought we were starting to talk but after 10 minutes he said, "let's get out of here," and took me to his place and had sex with me. From there, I mean he introduced me to friends (his family never knew about me even after 2 years, as it turned out), and he'd go out and do stuff with me when I suggested plans... But I guess I just always felt he didn't care to reach out or text much when we were apart, or ever have a real convo or ask questions to actually get to know me on a deep level.

 

 

All that was a problem long before the deleting texts , lying, or not saying I love you after over a year

[organizedchaos]

carrieT, the first date he said after dinner, "maybe we can hang out somewhere now." I mentioned a few cocktail bars and he said "no. I meant one of our apartments." Tried hard to come in the first date. Second date, he told me (after just texting me maybe twice that week), "why don't you come over and watch a movie at my place?" I responded that I wasn't interested in just a hookup. He then took me for ice cream and I thought we were starting to talk but after 10 minutes he said, "let's get out of here," and took me to his place and had sex with me. From there, I mean he introduced me to friends (his family never knew about me even after 2 years, as it turned out), and he'd go out and do stuff with me when I suggested plans... But I guess I just always felt he didn't care to reach out or text much when we were apart, or ever have a real convo or ask questions to actually get to know me on a deep level.

 

 

All that was a problem long before the deleting texts , lying, or not saying I love you after over a year

 

12 pages in and every response from you is nearly the same thing. You just summarize what a horrible person he is yet you do nothing about it.

 

You've been given tons of advice.

 

What is it you want from this forum?

[rams10]

Good question. I desperately need to know it wasn't my "fault." I (and he) kept blaming me for being "insecure" and "not trusting." But looking back, isn't it pretty hard to trust someone who does what he did, and DIdNt do things like picking up the phone to call (ever), or ask questions to really get to know me, or tell me about his day? (He once said "that's small talk. I find it pointless to speak unless there's something significant to be said." And then wouldn't speak to me the entire night. And this is when he wasn't "mad" at me for anything , so imagine the days of silence I got when he WAS!)

[Itspointless]

Good question. I desperately need to know it wasn't my "fault."

Rams, it wasn't your fault. But, it is becoming your fault when you do nothing about it, hence agreeing with this treatment.

 

But the above is a circle, because when you find a reason to blame yourself than you conclude it mustn't be him but you, so everything you think and we say can't be true and we go into the circle again.

 

The real answer is that it is you both. The dynamic you two are having with each-other is toxic, that is the truth. Not your fault is him having the upper-hand.

 

Another way put, you are asking the wrong questions.