Author rams10 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 Did I just make too big a deal out of nothing? I didn't like him telling the little lies I mentioned earlier or deleting texts. Didn't know how I'd trust him again after he repeatedly flirted and told the other girl he wants pics from her and wants to meet up with her and drink, just them. But beyond that it got old that he didn't pay attention to me hardly ever, even 10 minutes of talk when I got home. Never said I love you really, and any time I wanted to talk about future he turned it into a fight then ignored me for 2-3 days. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 You said you needed to hear that it wasn't your fault. It's not (entirely) your fault. What now? Are you going to do something about this dysfunctional relationship or not? P.S.: It's fitting your thread has devolved into exchanges with just one other person named "Itspointless". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 There had to be some reason I chose him over the multiple men trying to court me at the time. It was the chemistry and pure excitement because I felt he was not that into me, and so him using the tiny shreds of emotion he had on me made me feel chosen. A year in, when he finally fed me the 1 line "I do love you and will marry you someday" in response to my confrontation, I held onto it hard- even though in meantime he was sneakily chasing some other girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I held onto it hard You still do. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 You said you needed to hear that it wasn't your fault. It's not (entirely) your fault. What now? Are you going to do something about this dysfunctional relationship or not? Obviously I agree as we almost wrote the same. P.S.: It's fitting your thread has devolved into exchanges with just one other person named "Itspointless". Hmm ... the pun goes with the name I guess. Just following guidelines about listening and speaking to abused people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Please tell me how I'm so worthless. He shared so many things with me yet at the end decides to kick me out of his apartment after lying to me about ever being on the lease? What could I have possibly done that deserves me being kicked out Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 No one spends 2 years with you and lives with you then kicks you out!!! Come on. You have to realize that'd be ridiculous unless there's something very wrong with me Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 You aren't worthless but what is wrong with you is that for two YEARS you have held on to a false belief of his regard. You have started multiple threads on the subject. Dozens of people have posted what we saw was beyond obvious. And for some reason, you refused to see it or believe it. Why is that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Here's why: He did spend a lot of time with me- vacation, holidays, dinners out- and yes i often felt like he wasn't all "there," just sat staring at the wall or his work often, and he didn't seem to care about getting to know me or talking on a deep level- barely even seemed to want to hear about my day. Yet he went through the motions- asked me to move in(even if he lied about putting me on lease and kept taking my $), and said "I love you" (even if he did immediately try to sneak out with another girl and later deleted all the texts) So in my mind, he never would've done any of those things in first place if he didn't sincerely love me... But the fact that he didn't do them well, and lied to me, and ended up leaving me must have meant that despite his good intentions I was just too messed up for him Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 And he literally told me multiple times before that if I wanted to get married at any time in the next 5 years we should break up bc he doesn't want that. Later he'd claim he only said that bc he wS tired of being "pressured" into it- which only consisted of me asking around when he'd want to do it, and him never communicating a clear answer, so me bringing it up again trying to have a better adult discussion. Does that even make any sense if he really thought I was the One??? He told his last ex after 3 years "at this point or the near future I don't want to get married, doesn't matter if I meet a princess" will he just keep saying this to every girl?! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Have you moved out yet? You need to separate yourself from this toxic atmosphere and stop analyzing his words and actions; it is getting you no where. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Rams, what is keeping you with him? He doesn't sound that great to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 She has two threads on this guy on which all advice fell on deaf ears. She's going to stay with him until she thinks he'll propose and he'll stay with her because he knows he never will have to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 How do you live with someone and tell them you love them and will marry them, without honestly being into them? That's why I feel I must have done somethibf awful to turn him away Link to post Share on other sites
SummerSkies Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 How do you live with someone and tell them you love them and will marry them, without honestly being into them? That's why I feel I must have done somethibf awful to turn him away You don't have to understand something for it to be what it is. The reason you can't understand it is probably because like most decent and "normal" people, you would never do such things. You didn't do anything awful. There was no turning him away, he was never really there to begin with. You need to learn to accept the writing is on the wall instead of trying to "make sense" of it all. Your only fault in this is for putting up with it so long, but looking at these threads, you probably couldn't help yourself This is not to make you feel bad. I just really hope you remove yourself from this toxic situation and start seeing a therapist to help build your self esteem when it comes to relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Rams, you are looking for rationale and reason where none exists. Are you going to answer my question? Are you still living with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 Not living with him. He basically kicked me out - rather than Us negotiating who would move out- after he informed me that he'd lied repeatedly and I had never been on his apt lease after all even though I always paid him rent Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 How do you live with someone and tell them you love them and will marry them, without honestly being into them? That's why I feel I must have done somethibf awful to turn him away Yes and like I have said in the beginning of this thread, you have learned in your life some convictions about yourself which makes you conclude these things when those feelings arise. But, those convictions are not right; the image you have of yourself is not right, is way to negative. It is easy for us to get to the conclusion that he is wrong for you, you have to start to recognise your convictions first to see what is going on here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 All relationships are created by two people. It's the honest truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 What did I really do wrong though? I just felt insecure when he was flirtatious and "friends" with endless numbers of single girls, and barely opened up to me about anything in 2 years, and didn't ever seem to care or make effort, just went along for the ride. I told him I loved him for 4 months before he ever said it back and then it was like throwing a scrap- said it then immediately tried to meet up w another girl at a bar Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 What did I really do wrong though? I just felt insecure when he was flirtatious and "friends" with endless numbers of single girls, and barely opened up to me about anything in 2 years, and didn't ever seem to care or make effort, just went along for the ride. I told him I loved him for 4 months before he ever said it back and then it was like throwing a scrap- said it then immediately tried to meet up w another girl at a bar What you did wrong was letting that creep enter in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LeslieKnope Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Rams, I'm so glad to hear you don't live with him anymore (though I wish you had left instead of being 'kicked out' by this monster). I'm going to look on the bright side and consider that progress. I'm not sure what part of the world you live (and you don't have to tell us), but your issues - which you may regard as relationship problems but the rest of us believe are connected to emotional/verbal abuse by your ex and low self-worth - should be discussed with a therapist or abuse counsellor. In North America and Europe/UK, it is possible to get free or heavily subsidized therapy. I think it would be really worthwhile to investigate this because a lot of the questions to the answers you seek will be made much clearer. Because we're not professionals, there's only so much help we can offer. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 You did nothing wrong. There was nothing you could do to make him the person you wanted him to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) I certainly don't think I did anything to make his sister beg me (the first time I talked to her) to make him care about his family whom he hadn't even seen in 12 years. And you shouldn't tell a girl you love her for first time and immediately try to meet a single girl whom you'd been flirting with alone at a bar at midnight. Is this rocket science Edited August 16, 2015 by rams10 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I certainly don't think I did anything to make his sister beg me (the first time I talked to her) to make him care about his family whom he hadn't even seen in 12 years. And you shouldn't tell a girl you love her for first time and immediately try to meet a single girl whom you'd been flirting with alone at a bar at midnight. Is this rocket science The fact that his sister begged you can be due to a lot of reasons. Perhaps she thinks of her parents whom he neglects. What also isn't rocket-science is that nothing of these things is going to change. You probably will be repeating these things for a long time to come (looking at myself here), with some things the answers wont come. Have you already spoken with friends or family? Link to post Share on other sites
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