lana-banana Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I'm so sorry to frustrate everyone. I just want to know how to convey to him that I'm sorry and will Change my ways and be more laid back and not require "I love you's" or any discussion of future plans after 2 years Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you and doesn't see a future with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Well he said he loves me and will marry me eventually whenever he's ready. He probably just snuck out with a girl immediately after because he was scared Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Well he said he loves me and will marry me eventually whenever he's ready. He probably just snuck out with a girl immediately after because he was scared I truly shocked that you believe this. Clickety. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Well he said he loves me and will marry me eventually whenever he's ready. He probably just snuck out with a girl immediately after because he was scared When a man loves you and wants to marry you, he doesn't just say it once. He says it every day. He gives you no room to doubt. He talks about the future all the time. He shows you by his deeds that he's committed to being with you. This guy may have loved you once, I don't really care to speculate, but that's in the past. What matters is today and right now he clearly does not love you anymore. You are doing yourself no favors by hanging on to him, and you can't make him love you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Clearly I was wrong to want him to say "I love you" back and discuss the future after a year. I also should've been more trusting of him but it was just hard when, even right after his first "I love you," he tried to sneak out with another girl at midnight and later deleted the texts. I would appreciate so much if someone gave advice on what I can say to him to show I've changed, that I'll be cool, laid back, more secure Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Clearly I was wrong to want him to say "I love you" back and discuss the future after a year. I also should've been more trusting of him but it was just hard when, even right after his first "I love you," he tried to sneak out with another girl at midnight and later deleted the texts. I would appreciate so much if someone gave advice on what I can say to him to show I've changed, that I'll be cool, laid back, more secure If he comes back to you and he will, you just agree with everything he says or does. Never criticise him or ask questions, just pay your part of the lease and his parking-spot. I am sure those things will do the trick. But be not surprised that you feel just as lousy as on page one of this thread. This man is not going to change for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 He treated me just fine though, as long as I wasn't asking to discuss the future at all or saying I didn't think we were on same page because he hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months. I want him to see that I can be relaxed and not bring up the future or marriage and that I will stop being non-trusting and paranoid (I just felt those things bc of the reasons I outlined earlier) So I just need to figure out what to tell him Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I would appreciate so much if someone gave advice on what I can say to him to show I've changed, that I'll be cool, laid back, more secure Here's what you need to do: You can't expect him to love you, and you can't expect a commitment. You have to accept the relationship for what it is, which is a situation with sporadic commitment and the fact that he might love you some of the time. If you can accept all of that, then you can convince him you've changed. Are you willing to do that? Because honestly, there is nothing else you can do if you want to remain with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Here's what you need to do: You can't expect him to love you, and you can't expect a commitment. You have to accept the relationship for what it is, which is a situation with sporadic commitment and the fact that he might love you some of the time. If you can accept all of that, then you can convince him you've changed. Are you willing to do that? Because honestly, there is nothing else you can do if you want to remain with him. I agree with BC1980. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 He treated me just fine though, as long as I wasn't asking to discuss the future at all or saying I didn't think we were on same page because he hadn't said "I love you" back after 14 months. I want him to see that I can be relaxed and not bring up the future or marriage and that I will stop being non-trusting and paranoid (I just felt those things bc of the reasons I outlined earlier) So I just need to figure out what to tell him So basically, don't bring up the future or marriage, and don't expect and "I love you." If you refrain from saying those things long enough, you can convince him you've changed (though you actually haven't and likely won't, but you can project that image if you want to). There is nothing you can tell him. He will have to be willing to be around you long enough to see that you aren't going to expect anything from him. I dunno. Seems like a lot of work to project something false, with minimal return. But it's up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 So I just need to figure out what to tell him Simple: Goodbye and have a nice life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Simple: Goodbye and have a nice life. Seems similar to my. Ideally: 'f*ck you.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm noticing that no one seems to want to advise me on what to say to make him want me back. It seems like people don't think I "deserved" all that sneaking with that girl behind my back, when the only event leading up to it was me saying "not sure we're on the same page- you haven't said 'I love you' after 14 months, and I don't know if you want the sort of future I do eventually, or even to live together." Like literally that was it. And then he said he did love me and wanted to marry me when he decided he was ready... And then walked right out to try to meet the other girl. I wanted to find something to say to him to let him know I will trust him more and not put pressure on him about future. Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm noticing that no one seems to want to advise me on what to say to make him want me back. 20 pages and you're only figuring this out now??? Well, at least it's progress.... wait, no, no it's not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm noticing that no one seems to want to advise me on what to say to make him want me back. And why do you think that is? Because no one here believes you should go back to him and we don't want to enable you. Doesn't that speak volumes to you???? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm noticing that no one seems to want to advise me on what to say to make him want me back. It seems like people don't think I "deserved" all that sneaking with that girl behind my back, when the only event leading up to it was me saying "not sure we're on the same page- you haven't said 'I love you' after 14 months, and I don't know if you want the sort of future I do eventually, or even to live together." Like literally that was it. And then he said he did love me and wanted to marry me when he decided he was ready... And then walked right out to try to meet the other girl. I wanted to find something to say to him to let him know I will trust him more and not put pressure on him about future. Just because you want to set yourself on fire does not mean we're obligated to tell you where to find gasoline to bathe in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm noticing that no one seems to want to advise me on what to say to make him want me back. Didn't you read post 281, 283 and 285? What we said there is what you can try. But we sincerely hope that you won't. It is not just his sneaking, but also his structural punishment by acting like you are not there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Yes it did bug me when he went days staring at wall refusing to speak to me, when all I "did" was bring up something about the future, such as whether he planned on marriage within the next couple of years or if I should take a travel position at work. He seemed cold, emotionless and disinterested. So if that's him, then I'm wondering if once I talk to him again, I need to be sort of similar to convince him I'm not "crazy" so he'll want me back Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Yes it did bug me when he went days staring at wall refusing to speak to me, when all I "did" was bring up something about the future, such as whether he planned on marriage within the next couple of years or if I should take a travel position at work. He seemed cold, emotionless and disinterested. So if that's him, then I'm wondering if once I talk to him again, I need to be sort of similar to convince him I'm not "crazy" so he'll want me back I go to sleep soon as it is really late here, but as I saw your reaction. Rams have you ever read about love and the role hormones play in our attachment? I get that you are attached to him. In a way it is a shame he pushed you away as it hindered you reaching some needed conclusions. My ex went cold and emotionless because she went through a very stressful period. It also made me wait for her a long time. I wish things could have been different, but it is how she deals with stress (and unfortunately intimacy). So yeah I get the longing, but if she cannot be loving in an normal sense than she never has been right for me (man, have I missed her). To me your emotions of needing love and attention are far from crazy. But Rams you are addicted, it is not the man you miss, but the rush of hormones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Still trying to figure out what to say to him. It can't be possible that he wouldn't want to speak to me again. What did I do wrong? Became less trusting after that sneaking with the other girl? Well excuse me ... When He never even apologized for that Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Still trying to figure out what to say to him. It can't be possible that he wouldn't want to speak to me again. What did I do wrong? Became less trusting after that sneaking with the other girl? Well excuse me ... When He never even apologized for that Rams, for you own learning-curve I would really recommend to do this test for your attachment-style: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Although I sometimes have the feeling you neglected every helpful link I have pasted here. What did you do wrong? For him that was paying attention to your needs. It is clear to me that you need to experience this again to see. You can tell him that you miss his glowing presence. I guess such an ego brush makes him feel tha man (not that he needs that as his ego is huge as it is). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Yes it did bug me when he went days staring at wall refusing to speak to me, when all I "did" was bring up something about the future, such as whether he planned on marriage within the next couple of years or if I should take a travel position at work. He seemed cold, emotionless and disinterested. So if that's him, then I'm wondering if once I talk to him again, I need to be sort of similar to convince him I'm not "crazy" so he'll want me back Unfortunately, from everything you have written, convincing him that you are not "crazy" is not enough for him to "want you back". The odds against making it work with him seem astronomical. You would do better to buy a lottery ticket. Sorry rams. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Still trying to figure out what to say to him. It can't be possible that he wouldn't want to speak to me again. What did I do wrong? Became less trusting after that sneaking with the other girl? Well excuse me ... When He never even apologized for that You've been trying to "figure this out" since December 2014. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Unfortunately, from everything you have written, convincing him that you are not "crazy" is not enough for him to "want you back". The odds against making it work with him seem astronomical. You would do better to buy a lottery ticket. Sorry rams. Why is this? He liked me enough to date me for 2 years and agreed to let me move in, and now he does say he just needs some space and time to process everything and then we can talk Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Why is this? He liked me enough to date me for 2 years and agreed to let me move in, and now he does say he just needs some space and time to process everything and then we can talk So? People change their minds all the time. Some relationships aren't meant to last forever. Plenty of people have had relationships far longer than yours fall apart. He fell out of love. It's done. You just refuse to accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
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