How do I avoid making the same mistakes again?

[lana-banana]

Maybe not, Carrie, but he doesn't know that!

 

I assure you he does indeed know that. The fact that you're still contacting him and saying you wish you could share things with him means you obviously want to reconcile. He knows you want him back and are struggling with it.

 

At end of convo when he said he doesn't process things as quickly as me (always true) and still needs time before considering seeing each other and talking things through, I just said "I respect that. Good luck with everything" and hung up

 

He is telling you he doesn't want to talk to you. He doesn't "need time" at all, he's just trying to postpone and postpone until you give up and forget about it. He does not want to see you, period.

 

What do I do when all I want is for him to know I'm sorry and will take him back for who he is

 

He knows you'll take him back in a heartbeat. He doesn't want you. There's nothing you can do about it.

Edited September 8, 2015 by lana-banana

[Itspointless]

The thing is Rams, somehow he accomplished to make it all about him, while you are suffering because you miss him.

[rams10]

If he really didn't want me back then he wouldn't have immediately picked up my call and talked to me for so long, saying he misses me and woujdnt say the door is closed on us. If anything he's smart to want time to process his own stuff independently- he said it's weird to immediately just go back to seeing each other like nothing happened - will put us in this weird sort of "limbo" for that time

[Itspointless]

If he really didn't want me back then he wouldn't have immediately picked up my call and talked to me for so long, saying he misses me and woujdnt say the door is closed on us. If anything he's smart to want time to process his own stuff independently- he said it's weird to immediately just go back to seeing each other like nothing happened - will put us in this weird sort of "limbo" for that time

Life almost never is black and white. And sometimes winning isn't winning and loosing isn't loosing.

[lana-banana]

If he really didn't want me back then he wouldn't have immediately picked up my call and talked to me for so long, saying he misses me and woujdnt say the door is closed on us. If anything he's smart to want time to process his own stuff independently- he said it's weird to immediately just go back to seeing each other like nothing happened - will put us in this weird sort of "limbo" for that time

 

No, Rams. It doesn't matter what he said. What matters is what he did---or in this case, didn't do.

 

He didn't choose to see you again.

He didn't make plans to talk things out with you.

He simply was nice to you and then hung up the phone.

 

A long time ago, a few months after a very hard breakup, I spent an hour on the phone with an ex. He told me he missed me, we talked about each other's families, and we even talked about a hypothetical pet we'd adopt together. I left the conversation convinced we'd get back together. It never happened.

 

Actions speak louder than words and all this guy's actions are saying is that he doesn't want you. Unless he says "Rams, I've done a lot of thinking and decided we should get back together", he doesn't want to get back together. It's that simple.

[rams10]

Yeah you are right. I agree he doesn't want to get back together with me now. But what I'm saying is, he shouldn't want to anyhow at this point! As he said , I've only been moved out a few weeks, and our breakup happened for a reason- so if he doesn't take any time to work through things on his own, and if we just start hanging around each other again "in a limbo" as he puts it, then how is that useful or beneficial?

[lana-banana]

Yeah you are right. I agree he doesn't want to get back together with me now. But what I'm saying is, he shouldn't want to anyhow at this point! As he said , I've only been moved out a few weeks, and our breakup happened for a reason- so if he doesn't take any time to work through things on his own, and if we just start hanging around each other again "in a limbo" as he puts it, then how is that useful or beneficial?

 

It's not. That's why you need to accept the relationship is completely over and move on.

[CarrieT]

It's not. That's why you need to accept the relationship is completely over and move on.

 

Repeated for truth.

[rams10]

I know him. He doesn't say stuff to be "nice" or "gentle" or answer the phone unless he really wants to. If this were completely over, there's simply no way he would've talked to me for so long the other day & say what he said. He is right, if we had issues to "process" then simply jumping into seeing each other again right now isn't the best way to move forward

[organizedchaos]

I know him. He doesn't say stuff to be "nice" or "gentle" or answer the phone unless he really wants to. If this were completely over, there's simply no way he would've talked to me for so long the other day & say what he said. He is right, if we had issues to "process" then simply jumping into seeing each other again right now isn't the best way to move forward

 

I thought I was done with this but I just can't help myself because you just don't get it.

 

The reason why he's talking to you and hasn't completely shut you out or said its over is because he's keeping you on the back burner. He's keeping you warm while he waits to see if things work out with the new girl he's banging. If things fizzle, you'll suddenly find he's more receptive to getting back with you. Surprise! He's had time to think things through and since the other girl was smart enough not to fall for his b.s. He's coming back to the one girl who does. You. If things do work out with the new girl he'll finally cut you loose.

 

Congrats. You're wasting your life.

Edited September 9, 2015 by organizedchaos

[rams10]

Bottom line is, if he didn't want to get back with me then he wouldn't immediately answer my call, admit he misses me. He would say the door iS closed for us and "maybe we can be friends someday," instead of saying the door isn't closed and who knows what the future will hold, but he just needs to finish processing the issues that led to the breakup in first place on his own.

[Diezel]

Bottom line is: You'll always be in limbo with this guy. And that's your fault. Not his.

[CarrieT]

Wrong.

 

People break and still miss the other person. Read through all the existing threads that say as much.

 

Doesn't mean they want to get back together.

[organizedchaos]

Bottom line is, if he didn't want to get back with me then he wouldn't immediately answer my call, admit he misses me. He would say the door iS closed for us and "maybe we can be friends someday," instead of saying the door isn't closed and who knows what the future will hold, but he just needs to finish processing the issues that led to the breakup in first place on his own.

 

Bottom line is, you didn't read what I wrote, never mind what everyone else has told you in the past 24 pages.

[BC1980]

Bottom line is, if he didn't want to get back with me then he wouldn't immediately answer my call, admit he misses me. He would say the door iS closed for us and "maybe we can be friends someday," instead of saying the door isn't closed and who knows what the future will hold, but he just needs to finish processing the issues that led to the breakup in first place on his own.

 

He's not saying the door is closed because he wants to string you along for his benefit. He knows he doesn't want to commit to you or marry you. He is very certain that he wants neither of those things.

[rams10]

He's not saying the door is closed because he wants to string you along for his benefit. He knows he doesn't want to commit to you or marry you. He is very certain that he wants neither of those things.

 

He's always known this is what I want. So he wouldn't have bothered w me if he didn't think one day he will give them to me. I think it's a good sign that he's processing on his own our "fights about marriage" and doesn't want to see me while things are still "in limbo" before he's had a chance to fully process. If he were using me for sex then he'd see me now before any issues are even worked through. People do break up bc the guy "wasn't ready" and then once without her, he realizes how much he misses & wants her (like my guy already acknowledging he really misses me and picking up the phone right away). Yet everyone here acts like it's impossible.

 

Also when he dumped his last gf he said "i don't want to get married any time in near future, it won't matter if I meet a princess." Well he only met me a year after that convo. But sooner or later he's gonna come around

[organizedchaos]

He's always known this is what I want. So he wouldn't have bothered w me if he didn't think one day he will give them to me. I think it's a good sign that he's processing on his own our "fights about marriage" and doesn't want to see me while things are still "in limbo" before he's had a chance to fully process. If he were using me for sex then he'd see me now before any issues are even worked through. People do break up bc the guy "wasn't ready" and then once without her, he realizes how much he misses & wants her (like my guy already acknowledging he really misses me and picking up the phone right away). Yet everyone here acts like it's impossible.

 

Also when he dumped his last gf he said "i don't want to get married any time in near future, it won't matter if I meet a princess." Well he only met me a year after that convo. But sooner or later he's gonna come around

 

Did you even read what I wrote?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/539177-how-do-i-avoid-making-same-mistakes-again-24.html#post6536460

[Diezel]

rams10, just propose to him.

[rams10]

No way. He wants nothing to do with getting married for a long time. I'm more interested in figuring out how to turn his "I miss you, no the door isn't closed for us, who knows what the future will bring" into him finishing processing our breakup and then realizing he loves and wants to get back together with me

[organizedchaos]

No way. He wants nothing to do with getting married for a long time. I'm more interested in figuring out how to turn his "I miss you, no the door isn't closed for us, who knows what the future will bring" into him finishing processing our breakup and then realizing he loves and wants to get back together with me

 

You can't.

 

I'll repeat myself again since you are avoiding addressing it:

 

The reason why he's talking to you and hasn't completely shut you out or said its over is because he's keeping you on the back burner. He's keeping you warm while he waits to see if things work out with the new girl he's banging. If things fizzle, you'll suddenly find he's more receptive to getting back with you. Surprise! He's had time to think things through and since the other girl was smart enough not to fall for his b.s. He's coming back to the one girl who does. You. If things do work out with the new girl he'll finally cut you loose.

[Itspointless]

What is it exactly that he needs to process according to him? And perhaps you have told somewhere but what are your ages? You obviously are not worried yet about fertility.

[lana-banana]

I'm more interested in figuring out how to turn his "I miss you, no the door isn't closed for us, who knows what the future will bring" into him finishing processing our breakup and then realizing he loves and wants to get back together with me

 

To repeat the above: you can't. Rams, if he realized he loved you and wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He isn't because he doesn't want to be. It has nothing to do with "time" or "processing". There is no magical set length of time that has to pass before he's ready or realizes he wants to be with you again. I'll reiterate: he's not with you because he doesn't want to be.

 

I wasn't sure at first but now I'm convinced there's another girl (if not girls, plural) in the picture. He is flirting, dating, maybe even sleeping with them and seeing where things lead. However, he's still in the early stages. Rams, the only reason he's not completely shutting you out is because he wants to keep you as a fallback plan, a backup option in case things don't work out. Doesn't that make you angry? Doesn't it bother you to know that while you're going to bed alone he's out with other women and texting new ones?

 

It SHOULD bother you. And you should realize you deserve so much more than being anyone's second choice.

[organizedchaos]

To repeat the above: you can't. Rams, if he realized he loved you and wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He isn't because he doesn't want to be. It has nothing to do with "time" or "processing". There is no magical set length of time that has to pass before he's ready or realizes he wants to be with you again. I'll reiterate: he's not with you because he doesn't want to be.

 

I wasn't sure at first but now I'm convinced there's another girl (if not girls, plural) in the picture. He is flirting, dating, maybe even sleeping with them and seeing where things lead. However, he's still in the early stages. Rams, the only reason he's not completely shutting you out is because he wants to keep you as a fallback plan, a backup option in case things don't work out. Doesn't that make you angry? Doesn't it bother you to know that while you're going to bed alone he's out with other women and texting new ones?

 

It SHOULD bother you. And you should realize you deserve so much more than being anyone's second choice.

 

^It's EXACTLY why he hasn't shut the door on Rams yet. Exactly.

[Simon Phoenix]

No way. He wants nothing to do with getting married for a long time. I'm more interested in figuring out how to turn his "I miss you, no the door isn't closed for us, who knows what the future will bring" into him finishing processing our breakup and then realizing he loves and wants to get back together with me

 

Stop trying to manipulate this situation. He doesn't love you, he doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you, he keeps you around because you are an easy mark. And there is NOTHING you can do to make him think differently.

 

I mean, what the hell is your deal? Seriously. This is one of the worst cases of straight out denial and delusion on this site. Why are you so eager to try to fool this guy into loving you to the point where you cheapen yourself? I mean, holy lord.

[rams10]

Well it's not denial when he told me "I love you and will marry you someday"! (Everyone is just going to respond with "well immediately after he told you that, he tried to sneak out with another chick to a bar at midnight.")

 

You guys dont know him and realize he is NOT your average guy. Didn't you already get that from the fact that he didn't say "I love you" for 14 months and stares at walls and completely ignored me for days every single conflict we had? And that his sister begged me (when I messaged her online) to "'make him" care more about their family bc she feels forgotten? No, he isn't out with other women. I know his work schedule, which includes some night shifts, and every night this week he wasn't at work, I actually ran into him- at the gym, grocery store, or tennis club. I actually believe that he is taking time to process things alone and then we will see what happens in future. Why is this literally impossible?