How do I avoid making the same mistakes again?

[Drspell12]

Forget him plz

[rams10]

Well what if I'm just different than his other ex gf? I can tell him I'll respect his need for space since he said the door isn't closed for us but he just needs space to process on his own. Then mQybe he'll be clnvinced I've really changed?!

[CarrieT]

Then maybe he'll be clnvinced I've really changed?!

But you haven't changed.

 

The constant neediness and desperation is a clear depiction that you haven't changed.

[rams10]

But the longer I go without contacting him- ie giving him "space" - even though he knows how much I'm hurting... The more he'll see I've changed

[rams10]

Please help me get the love of my life back

[Itspointless]

Well what if I'm just different than his other ex gf? I can tell him I'll respect his need for space since he said the door isn't closed for us but he just needs space to process on his own. Then mQybe he'll be clnvinced I've really changed?!

Rams you are fighting a battle with yourself here. With what you are writing it shows that you see certain things, but speaking out those truths to yourself mean hearing things you do not want to see yet. I understand that.

 

Reading your previous post I would say that you are in the exact same situation as his ex. You are now desperately trying to prove to yourself that you are changed. But do you really want to change or is it just that awful feeling of missing that makes you say this?

[rams10]

So it's not that I ruined things bc I kept bringing up marriage and didn't trust him (which is what he claims), but rather that he was lying and had never wanted to marry me in first place? Is that the logical conclusion that's drawn from him trying to sneak with another girl after telling me that he loved me and wanted to marry me for first time? Not that I put too much pressure on him by bringing up those topics after over a year so he needed that girl as an "escape"? Because he'd seemed so into me up until that point when I started trying to talk future. I keep thinking he just needed more time and that if I give him space now he'll come around . He'll see I changed if I just prove I can go longer periods without contacting hin

[Itspointless]

So it's not that I ruined things bc I kept bringing up marriage and didn't trust him (which is what he claims), but rather that he was lying and had never wanted to marry me in first place? Is that the logical conclusion that's drawn from him trying to sneak with another girl after telling me that he loved me and wanted to marry me for first time? Not that I put too much pressure on him by bringing up those topics after over a year so he needed that girl as an "escape"?

For 99,9 percent yes. The other tenth of a percent because after-all - as a poster said a few posts ago - we have to draw conclusions from what you are telling us.

Because he'd seemed so into me up until that point when I started trying to talk future. I keep thinking he just needed more time and that if I give him space now he'll come around . He'll see I changed if I just prove I can go longer periods without contacting hin

Or he has a very good game like for example narcissists have, or he is like my ex. She was dismissive-avoidant attached. In the beginning - when we met - I still was safe, it was amazing. But as the relation progressed intimacy also progressed and that scared the hell out of her. In the end she pushed me away when other stress came by (illness and family problems). I waited Rams and in between she contacted me several times. Five months later I said to her that I quietly hoped she would have changed her mind but I had the feeling she didn't ... she didn't, she still wanted to do everything alone. I feared this to happen from the beginning and tried to distance myself, but even thinking it felt like giving up on us. Your ex his intimacy problems even sound more severe than hers and I do think she has it in a degree that change for her is almost not possible, even if she wanted. That aches as her in my life was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Edited September 16, 2015 by Itspointless

[rams10]

If he sees I've changed then he will love me again since he does miss me

[CarrieT]

If he sees I've changed then he will love me again since he does miss me

 

Not necessarily.

[rams10]

Um he said he misses me but can't just get back together because what will change, I'll still care about marriage and want to bring it up a lot

[Itspointless]

Um he said he misses me but can't just get back together because what will change, I'll still care about marriage and want to bring it up a lot

You need to try to take some distance from him Rams. You can later decide if you still want him then or not.

[organizedchaos]

Um he said he misses me but can't just get back together because what will change, I'll still care about marriage and want to bring it up a lot

 

Then you actually haven't changed, have you?

 

I'm not sure if you ever actually answered these questions, so please do as it will help put things in to perspective;

 

1. How old are you?
   
2. How many long term relationships have you had before this guy?
   
3. What is your profession? You can be general about.
   

[rams10]

1. 29

2. One. It was 9 years when young. Ultimately I dumped him, he was abusive

3. Six figures, doctoral type degree, high responsibility (my most recent ex has same basic job )

[organizedchaos]

1. 29

2. One. It was 9 years when young. Ultimately I dumped him, he was abusive

3. Six figures, doctoral type degree, high responsibility (my most recent ex has same basic job )

 

1 & 2 add up. 3 does not.

 

Not saying it's not true. Just doesn't add up that someone with a high education could be so blind as to how loving, healthy relationships are supposed to work. But that's where 1 & 2 play in. I guess. I have no idea what goes through your mind.

[Itspointless]

1 & 2 add up. 3 does not.

 

Not saying it's not true. Just doesn't add up that someone with a high education could be so blind as to how loving, healthy relationships are supposed to work. But that's where 1 & 2 play in. I guess. I have no idea what goes through your mind.

I think I do.

 

Cognitive abilities unfortunately haven't got a thing to do with the way we (humans) are wired for attachment. Attachment is connected to deeper and older layers of the brain and learned patterns, patterns we mastered even before we had come to the age that we were capable of understanding language. It unfortunately is also why people often repeat traumas or their worst fears from childhood. They marry for example their critical mother or their violent father.

 

I bet this guy feels familiar and comforting for her, a reward for your hard work. Doesn't he Rams?

[anna121]

Um he said he misses me but can't just get back together because what will change, I'll still care about marriage and want to bring it up a lot

 

Unfortunately I am almost certain that he is lying about missing you.

 

He doesn't want to be with you. It really could not be clearer.

 

The best way to make someone like that be even less interested is to continue to chase him.

 

But. You know him best. Right?

[rams10]

Yes!! So much!! I stayed with him because I don't need to be treated super well all the time. It isn't a requirement for me. I just need the excitement of the occasional show of affection. That's how it always was with my mom.

[Itspointless]

Yes!! So much!! I stayed with him because I don't need to be treated super well all the time. It isn't a requirement for me. I just need the excitement of the occasional show of affection. That's how it always was with my mom.

Yes, that is what I meant, I had the suspicion it had something to do with your mom, Rams. Thank you for answering this.

Edited September 16, 2015 by Itspointless

[organizedchaos]

Yes!! So much!! I stayed with him because I don't need to be treated super well all the time. It isn't a requirement for me. I just need the excitement of the occasional show of affection. That's how it always was with my mom.

 

So, near zero self-esteem. Explains a lot.

[rams10]

What does it explain?

[Itspointless]

So, near zero self-esteem. Explains a lot.

It has more to do with being used to working incredibly hard for what for most people and children is normal. Getting attention easy probably does even feel dirty and most likely unearned. That does not mean that she at the same time can be a very strong confident women.

 

But here is the trick, the moment that the connection with the parent or partner seems to be lost because of abandonment then her Amygdala (our danger detector) goes into overdrive. Such prolonged fear can stay in our system for months and influence everything in our brains and body and the way we react to the world; we stay in fight or flight mode. This only has to do with attachment figures like her parents and her ex.

 

Think about it Rams, also what we talked about earlier: about your dad for example.

[CarrieT]

What does it explain?

 

It explains why you are so willing to be subjected to so much horrific behavior from another human being.

 

In a desert, you would be happy with a few drops of water to moisten your parched lips instead of a large, satisfying gulp to sate your thirst.

[organizedchaos]

What does it explain?

 

It explains why someone would allow themselves to be treated so poorly by someone who they're supposedly in a loving relationship with:

 

I stayed with him because I don't need to be treated super well all the time. It isn't a requirement for me. I just need the excitement of the occasional show of affection. That's how it always was with my mom.

 

Who in their right mind would willingly be fine with not being treated well? Why would any normal person be okay with occasional show affection or being treated poorly? You need therapy.

[BC1980]

I bet this guy feels familiar and comforting for her, a reward for your hard work. Doesn't he Rams?

 

That's it. I get it because I've did the exact same thing for a long time.