How do I avoid making the same mistakes again?

[purpledooze]

You sound like a very intelligent woman. Maybe a bit emotionally needy (I am in most cases and I failed my relationships that way). It would help your cause to look at your situation objectively. That's why we're advising you to stay away from him for a moment. You kill two birds with one stone with this: letting him experience your absence, while you detach and look at things in a different light.

 

For me, creating a checklist of traits and values I prefer in a partner helped me. I realized I needed these qualities myself to land a good husband/partner. I gave this list to my ex back when we were still dating, he asked me what my "deal-breakers" were. Hope this helps you as you objectively look at things.

 

• Behaves in a manner that is conducive to me feeling loved and secure
  
• Communicates thoughtfully, tactfully, and directly
  
• Able to show empathy
  
• Has integrity
  
• Able to compromise
  
• Not passive-aggressive, narcissistic, bipolar, or have any personality disorders
  
• Possess a quiet, but gentle strength
  
• Financially responsible
  
• Emotionally mature and available
  
• Honest, sincere, genuine, loving, patient, slow to anger, thoughtful, affectionate, kindhearted, generous (but not to a fault)
  
• Sensitive, but not overly sensitive
  
• Adventurous, but not to the extreme
  
• Willing to work together as part of a collaborative team/partnership
  
• Enjoys cooking together, sharing household chores
  
• Reciprocates engaging romantic behavior/activities
  
• Will not put me in a position where I feel that our relationship is in competition with his children and grandchildren (if he has any), mother, father, sister
  
• Not co-dependant or an enabler
  
• Not a workaholic
  
• No substance abuse issues
  
• We will challenge each other to be better people
  
• We can grow together
  
• Has a global view/perspective (not narrow minded)
  
• Has moderate–not extreme political views
  
• Is handy around the house (a bonus)
  
• Has a wacky sense of humor (a bonus)
  
• Can be both fun loving and serious depending upon what the situation calls for
  
• Physically attractive (to me and vice versa)
  
• Pleases me sexually (and I him)
  
• Will not be someone who needs to be fixed
  

[Itspointless]

Rams how are you doing? Something tells me you not posting means a significant change?

[rams10]

After no contact for 3 months I texted "are you okay?" He responded almost instantly! With "???" Omg what do I say- I want to call him tomorrow

[mightycpa]

You sound like a very intelligent woman. Maybe a bit emotionally needy (I am in most cases and I failed my relationships that way). It would help your cause to look at your situation objectively. That's why we're advising you to stay away from him for a moment. You kill two birds with one stone with this: letting him experience your absence, while you detach and look at things in a different light.

 

For me, creating a checklist of traits and values I prefer in a partner helped me. I realized I needed these qualities myself to land a good husband/partner. I gave this list to my ex back when we were still dating, he asked me what my "deal-breakers" were. Hope this helps you as you objectively look at things.

 

• Behaves in a manner that is conducive to me feeling loved and secure
  
• Communicates thoughtfully, tactfully, and directly
  
• Able to show empathy
  
• Has integrity
  
• Able to compromise
  
• Not passive-aggressive, narcissistic, bipolar, or have any personality disorders
  
• Possess a quiet, but gentle strength
  
• Financially responsible
  
• Emotionally mature and available
  
• Honest, sincere, genuine, loving, patient, slow to anger, thoughtful, affectionate, kindhearted, generous (but not to a fault)
  
• Sensitive, but not overly sensitive
  
• Adventurous, but not to the extreme
  
• Willing to work together as part of a collaborative team/partnership
  
• Enjoys cooking together, sharing household chores
  
• Reciprocates engaging romantic behavior/activities
  
• Will not put me in a position where I feel that our relationship is in competition with his children and grandchildren (if he has any), mother, father, sister
  
• Not co-dependant or an enabler
  
• Not a workaholic
  
• No substance abuse issues
  
• We will challenge each other to be better people
  
• We can grow together
  
• Has a global view/perspective (not narrow minded)
  
• Has moderate–not extreme political views
  
• Is handy around the house (a bonus)
  
• Has a wacky sense of humor (a bonus)
  
• Can be both fun loving and serious depending upon what the situation calls for
  
• Physically attractive (to me and vice versa)
  
• Pleases me sexually (and I him)
  
• Will not be someone who needs to be fixed
  

That's quite a checklist you've got there. How's that coming along? I didn't see anything about athleticism, charity, appreciation of music and/or the fine arts, a strong work ethic or loves children and animals. And shouldn't he be the kind of guy who will proactively defend those who are being wronged?

 

Anyway, OP, stay away from your problem man. Find a good one instead, or maybe even two, and make sure they are local.

[ExpatInItaly]

After no contact for 3 months I texted "are you okay?" He responded almost instantly! With "???" Omg what do I say- I want to call him tomorrow

 

You say noting.

 

You don't call him.

 

You are repeating the same mistakes again and again.

[Simon Phoenix]

After no contact for 3 months I texted "are you okay?" He responded almost instantly! With "???" Omg what do I say- I want to call him tomorrow

 

What is there to say? You texted him out of the blue and he basically told you "WTF?!" There's no follow-up, he didn't say anything worthy of a response. Stop chasing this man, stop repeating history, stop self-sabotaging.

[Itspointless]

Rams if he doesn't have the heart to say anything nice than you should pay him the honour of neglect. Perhaps in Oz you could buy him a heart, but here he just is a handicapped man. Leave him be, you can be happy without him I'm sure.

[rams10]

I texted "of course I'm gonna be worried about you and even if no one else cares, I always will." He replied "you're worried because?" I haven't responded lol

[ExpatInItaly]

I texted "of course I'm gonna be worried about you and even if no one else cares, I always will." He replied "you're worried because?" I haven't responded lol

 

Good, leave it at that.

 

He clearly isn't thrilled you reached out. Don't make an arse out of yourself.

[rams10]

Isn't thrilled? He pretty much always talked coldly and in short sentences to me

[Itspointless]

Isn't thrilled? He pretty much always talked coldly and in short sentences to me

He is destined for a sad life in the future Rams, but no need to be sorry for that. He probably will be a lonely and bitter person blaming other when he is old. Better pastures for you are waiting, if you take the chances offered.

[mightycpa]

Isn't thrilled? He pretty much always talked coldly and in short sentences to me

Then we'd probably have to go with "never thrilled".

[rams10]

He asked why I think there's something wrong, but won't confirm that he's okay! That would take 2 seconds if he's actually ok

[KatZee]

What the hell?

 

Is there a reason why you can't just be single? You have two threads active right now regarding two different men who want absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

You texted this guy completely out of the blue after three months of NC to ask if he's OK? I'm sorry, but what part of you thought this was a good idea?

 

And you seem to know something that we here on LS do not. Why are you so insistent that he tell you he's OK? Are you stalking him on social media or something? Did you read something about him NOT being OK?

 

He texts you back with: "???" and you completely lose your sh.!t and are super excited to call him tomorrow??? I literally cannot wrap my mind around any of this. At all.

 

He doesn't need to tell you he's OK! His life is none of your business or concern, and frankly you're teetering on "bunny boiler" status.

[mtnbiker3000]

Katzee... Where you been???

[rams10]

I am sorry but my friends were mentioning how he's performing poorly at work- everyone "hates" him because he doesn't seem to care at all about what he's doing/the people he's supposed to be helping and he seems arrogant. So that's why I asked if he's ok. And assuming he should want nothing to do w me when I'm a perfectly nice, great girl who cared about him, who did nothing to him? He only claims we broke up bc he "warned me not to bring up marriage or the future again."

 

And the guy I dated more recently? He cares. I guarantee he's just scared of commitment bc that night's dinner was the first time we'd talked (albeit in vague terms, about our general attitudes, not "us") about topics like where he thought he might want to live in the country eventually, his views on marriage when you're younger vs in 30s, etc. and I mentioned that I've done a long distance relationship before and was cool with it (I'll be traveling a lot

For work over a 10-month period starting next summer). I didn't talk about that in reference to HIM but did mention it. Anyhow, if he didn't care about me then he'd ignore my texts or say "I'm sorry but I have nothing further to say." Not ask me, when I told him I'm busy/out of town

Till next week, if it's ok if we wait to talk till I'm backp

[KatZee]

Katzee... Where you been???

Mild hiatus and now casually hanging around the dating section lol.

[Itspointless]

I am sorry but my friends were mentioning how he's performing poorly at work- everyone "hates" him because he doesn't seem to care at all about what he's doing/the people he's supposed to be helping and he seems arrogant. So that's why I asked if he's ok. And assuming he should want nothing to do w me when I'm a perfectly nice, great girl who cared about him, who did nothing to him? He only claims we broke up bc he "warned me not to bring up marriage or the future again."

 

And the guy I dated more recently? He cares. I guarantee he's just scared of commitment bc that night's dinner was the first time we'd talked (albeit in vague terms, about our general attitudes, not "us") about topics like where he thought he might want to live in the country eventually, his views on marriage when you're younger vs in 30s, etc. and I mentioned that I've done a long distance relationship before and was cool with it (I'll be traveling a lot

For work over a 10-month period starting next summer). I didn't talk about that in reference to HIM but did mention it. Anyhow, if he didn't care about me then he'd ignore my texts or say "I'm sorry but I have nothing further to say." Not ask me, when I told him I'm busy/out of town

Till next week, if it's ok if we wait to talk till I'm backp

You ex only cares about himself just as your friends are saying.

 

That other guy might be scared of commitment, that in itself is a big red flag Rams. Plus he does not seem very interested in you as well.

[Simon Phoenix]

So you're chasing another man who is basically indifferent to you and you are creating drama with your ex with this "Are you OK" rhetoric. Sheesh rams, come on.

[rams10]

Well can't my ex start caring about me again? I mean he says we only broke up bc he warned me not to bring up marriage or future but I didn't learn my lesson. (Same thing w his previous ex, he said "she wanted to get engaged after 3.5 years so we fought about it and then I broke up w her"

[Itspointless]

Rams it might be better for you to think about why you suddenly start paying this much attention to him again and started sending him messages again? I think I know the answer, besides the obvious one.

[mtnbiker3000]

I mean he says we only broke up bc he warned me not to bring up marriage or future but I didn't learn my lesson.

 

Did you ever get a black eye because he warned you not to load the dishwasher incorrectly, but you didn't learn your lesson??

[Simon Phoenix]

Well can't my ex start caring about me again? I mean he says we only broke up bc he warned me not to bring up marriage or future but I didn't learn my lesson. (Same thing w his previous ex, he said "she wanted to get engaged after 3.5 years so we fought about it and then I broke up w her"

 

Yeah, if that happened he'd contact you. But you contacting him out of the blue inventing some sort of drama is literally one of the dumbest things you could do. If there was any thoughts of you in a positive light, you blew it by acting like a nosy, intrusive spaz.

 

Of all the negative things you've done, this might have been the worst. All you did was start drama and act like a fool.

[rams10]

Um... I texted him after I was out with his coworkers and they mentioned in conversation (I don't even know if they thought I was listening) that lately like everyone in their Dept complains about him as doing poorly at work because he just doesn't care at all, doesn't pay attention to any emails, etc.

 

I told him I care so much about him that I can't help but want to reach out when I hear things negative relating to him at work (but I didn't go into specifics about what). He said "well thanks, but I don't really care what it is they're all saying about me, my main supervisor would tell me if there was a problem" or so he thinks lol

[Simon Phoenix]

Um... I texted him after I was out with his coworkers and they mentioned in conversation (I don't even know if they thought I was listening) that lately like everyone in their Dept complains about him as doing poorly at work because he just doesn't care at all, doesn't pay attention to any emails, etc.

 

I told him I care so much about him that I can't help but want to reach out when I hear things negative relating to him at work (but I didn't go into specifics about what). He said "well thanks, but I don't really care what it is they're all saying about me, my main supervisor would tell me if there was a problem" or so he thinks lol

 

It's none of your business. Leave it alone.