Itspointless Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Well, he claims he truly has intended for this to progress to marriage, he just has no idea when. And he said he didn't want to move in together after a year, it was only because. I pushed it (id wanted to move in together and no I'm not apologizing for that!). So he said he just needs a little space and time to process everything and then we can talk. I said "I will absolutely respect that" and moved all my stuff out. When I left I asked if I may have a hug. He gave me a long one So he has accomplished what he wanted all along Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Honestly I think he is one of those "fear of commitment" guys who will recognize how empty his life is without me now that I'm gone. I think it was a good sign that he gave me such a long hug and said we will talk after he has alone time to process and reflect Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Honestly I think he is one of those "fear of commitment" guys who will recognize how empty his life is without me now that I'm gone. How empty was it the night he cheated on you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Honestly I think he is one of those "fear of commitment" guys who will recognize how empty his life is without me now that I'm gone. I think it was a good sign that he gave me such a long hug and said we will talk after he has alone time to process and reflect My ex had fear of commitment, your guy seems more calculative and cold: showing you what he thinks is needed. If I had to take a guess I would say, fear of commitment no, narcissist yes. I silently hoped I was the one that made her see the light, she only took the light away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 He never cheated on me, just tried to meet up with that girl behind my back at bar at midnight that 1 time , probably because he got scared after telling me he loves me & wants to marry me so he "fled." And then asking her for photos and who knows what else bc he later deleted texts. But it's encouraging that he says now he's not looking to date anyone else, he knows he wouldn't find better than me, and when I said that i was moving out he gave me a big hug and instead of saying "we're done" or "maybe we can be friends" he just said that he needs space and time alone to process and then we can talk (about the whole pressuring/marriage thing which he brought up then). He always needs space; any time I brought up future he ignored me for 3 days or so, wouldn't speak a word, just stared Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 He never cheated on me, just tried to meet up with that girl behind my back at bar at midnight that 1 time , probably because he got scared after telling me he loves me & wants to marry me so he "fled." And then asking her for photos and who knows what else bc he later deleted texts. But it's encouraging that he says now he's not looking to date anyone else, he knows he wouldn't find better than me, and when I said that i was moving out he gave me a big hug and instead of saying "we're done" or "maybe we can be friends" he just said that he needs space and time alone to process and then we can talk (about the whole pressuring/marriage thing which he brought up then). He always needs space; any time I brought up future he ignored me for 3 days or so, wouldn't speak a word, just stared Rams, if you are right and he is not narcissistic but avoidant-dismissive (which I severely doubt given his cold and cruel behaviour), than you will have a man who severely needs alone-time the rest of your life. You hope that he will see the light and has the capability to change. I have done quit some reading on the topic since I am a member on this board. I can tell you that he won't change. He could if he had some avoidant tendencies, but considering what he is showing you, no way. You are already anxious as you are, imagine him running away for a while when you both have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Great points. I keep believing his behavior will change if only I change. But no one told him to lie to me, flirt with other girls behind my back, stare at wall and ignore me for days if I try to have a simple adult conversation about future. Now I'm hoping if I just give him space he'll realize he misses me Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 What disorder does he have? Not seeing his family in 12 years and his sister begging me to make him care, staring at the wall and refusing to speak to me for days bc I brought up something when I can possibly meet his family or move in together. What disorder makes him finally tell me he loves me back after over a year, then immediately have to sneak with another girl? Why did he tell me "don't touch me" & get all angry that I brought up how he never apologized for his sneaking... But now he looks sad & gives me a long hug & says he needs time alone & then we can talk? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 What disorder does he have? What disorder do you have that you are willing - and wanting! - to go back to his abuse? Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 What disorder does he have? Not seeing his family in 12 years and his sister begging me to make him care, staring at the wall and refusing to speak to me for days bc I brought up something when I can possibly meet his family or move in together. What disorder makes him finally tell me he loves me back after over a year, then immediately have to sneak with another girl? Why did he tell me "don't touch me" & get all angry that I brought up how he never apologized for his sneaking... But now he looks sad & gives me a long hug & says he needs time alone & then we can talk? Well I have a read a lot of psychological articles and have been taught some psychology, but I am not a therapist and also therapists cannot make diagnoses on-line. What stands out for me in everything I read is his manipulative behaviour. Him being angry was because you stood up for yourself at that time. With his sad face you give him exactly what he wants. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 For a second there, I thought this was the thread about him that started in December 2014. I was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 Just asking if there's any chance. He did look really sad and hugged me and said we'll talk after he has time to process everything alone. After most fights he ignores me for a week but no hugs or saying we will talk later. So maybe he will take me back Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Just asking if there's any chance. He did look really sad and hugged me and said we'll talk after he has time to process everything alone. After most fights he ignores me for a week but no hugs or saying we will talk later. So maybe he will take me back Oh I am sure he will take you back, as other women will not put up with his behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Rams... I understand. I went through this, it is (really) almost like reading my own story from two years ago, except for a few differences. He is emotionally abusive, the others are right and they're trying to help. I hope that you eventually accept it for what it is, and accept that you do deserve better than this. As I said, I went trough the same. I was used to be treated badly, and I thought I had to prove him how good I was. But I was very, very wrong. He is just how he is and I needed to question myself: "Do I see myself being happy with this man for the rest of my life?" The answer, was, HONESTLY, no, not al all. Please, take good care of yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 Thanks for reaching out. I just don't see what's so bad about him. Yes he would respond to every "conflict" (even just me wanting to chat about the future, when I could speak to or meet his family, etc) by completely withdrawing and stone cold ignoring me for days . But at least this time he gave me a big hug and said we'll talk after he has time alone to process. And otherwise what did he really do wrong? He reassured me after a year that he does want to marry me at some vague time in future... But when he immediately tried to sneak out at midnight to meet a girl he was flirting with, I did get suspicious and found it hard to trust him. Am I really so bad for that? Yet our recent blowup came when I brought up how he never apologized for that and he responses "you keep effing waiting if you think I'll ever apologize" and sneered Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Thanks for reaching out. I just don't see what's so bad about him. Yes he would respond to every "conflict" (even just me wanting to chat about the future, when I could speak to or meet his family, etc) by completely withdrawing and stone cold ignoring me for days . But at least this time he gave me a big hug and said we'll talk after he has time alone to process. And otherwise what did he really do wrong? He reassured me after a year that he does want to marry me at some vague time in future... But when he immediately tried to sneak out at midnight to meet a girl he was flirting with, I did get suspicious and found it hard to trust him. Am I really so bad for that? Yet our recent blowup came when I brought up how he never apologized for that and he responses "you keep effing waiting if you think I'll ever apologize" and sneered Rams, no, you are not bad for that. But you are wrong in one thing: staying. Well, you might not see it clearly right now, because you are still emotionally invested in him..... But he is not treating you with respect. A guy who cares would offer you a sincere apology and follow that up with actions… Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 I just don't see what's so bad about him. Then why would you have three different threads with hundreds of replies from people who can see how emotionally abusive he has been to you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Well he can't be all evil & right now I'm just trying to figure out if actually giving him space to process before he's ready to talk (like he did he needed) will result in him respecting me., missing me and eventually wanting me back Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Answer to above: No. You're doing mental gymnastics!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Well he can't be all evil & right now I'm just trying to figure out if actually giving him space to process before he's ready to talk (like he did he needed) will result in him respecting me., missing me and eventually wanting me back He will come back (as I told you on the previous page) not because he misses you but because he misses your money and admiration. Respecting you, yeah perhaps in a next life. If I were you I would tell him to move his ass back to Nigeria and play such games with the women there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Well he can't be all evil & right now I'm just trying to figure out if actually giving him space to process before he's ready to talk (like he did he needed) will result in him respecting me., missing me and eventually wanting me back The majority of people are not all bad. He doesn't have to be bad 100 percent of the time to be abusive to you some of the time. Even sociopaths can play nice when it suits their needs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 How long should I wait to contact him and what do I say to make him realize I've changed, that I love him and respect his need for space enough that I'll move out and go "no contact" for a period of time? He did say he just needs some time to process everything in his head and then we'll talk Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 what do I say to make him realize I've changed But you haven't changed. You are just as needy and desperate for his attention and affection as you have always been. HE is the one who would have needed to have changed for you to want him. But you can't see that... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 He will come back (as I told you on the previous page) not because he misses you but because he misses your money and admiration. Respecting you, yeah perhaps in a next life. If I were you I would tell him to move his ass back to Nigeria and play such games with the women there. Not to generalise, but his attitude here may be based on his culture. https://graciousgracegardens.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/from-chime-and-clara-what-i-learned-about-the-nigerian-attitude-to-marriage/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 I say this in the best way possible: I really hope you don't get back together with him and recognise what is really going on here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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