mtnbiker3000 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Look in the mirror and ask yourself why you want this guy so bad?? Honestly, can you not do better?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Not to generalise, but his attitude here may be based on his culture. https://graciousgracegardens.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/from-chime-and-clara-what-i-learned-about-the-nigerian-attitude-to-marriage/ Hi Elaine, in post 158 I mentioned to Rams something similar: 'If it is a personality disorder, cultural or whatever it is out of our hands.' I had found some similar things on the net after asking Rams where he came from. I do not like generalizing though just like you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Wow, I truly appreciate that article and the comments that his culture may have a big role in how he treats me. Very helpful. But I can't figure out how to use any of that information to get him back Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 But I can't figure out how to use any of that information to get him back There are some people in this world who cannot be reasoned with, and unfortunately, you are one of them rams. Many of the people here on LS are trying desperately to get through to you with no avail. They care very much about your well-being but you refuse to acknowledge it. It's quite disheartening and unproductive as this thread keeps going around in circles. You cannot help anyone who does not want to help themselves. Please stop asking for help if you're never going to listen to the incredible advice that's been given. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 I truly have been given incredible advice, but I worry because although I'm absolutely telling the truth about everything he did, maybe posters just aren't aware of how I deserve the treatment or "made" him act that way. I don't know how I possibly could have but nevertheless. I just wanted to know how to get him back Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 I truly have been given incredible advice, but I worry because although I'm absolutely telling the truth about everything he did, maybe posters just aren't aware of how I deserve the treatment or "made" him act that way. I don't know how I possibly could have but nevertheless. I just wanted to know how to get him back None of that matters. None of it. No new found insight about you, your feelings, this guy, the situation etc. does anything to help you or us see the situation differently. You've stubbornly made up your mind and until someone tells you what you want to hear this will continue on until the thread gets locked again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 I truly have been given incredible advice, but I worry because although I'm absolutely telling the truth about everything he did, maybe posters just aren't aware of how I deserve the treatment or "made" him act that way. I don't know how I possibly could have but nevertheless. I just wanted to know how to get him back YOU can't. /end thread 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Ok I can't "'make" him want me back. But he's loved me so much before that there has To be a way to fix a couple small things. Like if I surprised him by actually respecting his space for a little while then maybe he'll be happy when he finally does see me again? How could he not miss me??? Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Ok I can't "'make" him want me back. But he's loved me so much before that there has To be a way to fix a couple small things. Like if I surprised him by actually respecting his space for a little while then maybe he'll be happy when he finally does see me again? How could he not miss me??? People walk away from people they once loved all the time. Even IF he misses you, doesn't mean he'll ever want you back. Happened to me and many others here who are telling you from experience. You may think your story is unique, but it is not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Wow, I truly appreciate that article and the comments that his culture may have a big role in how he treats me. Very helpful. But I can't figure out how to use any of that information to get him back I am all for learning about culture, but where I draw a line is if that means accepting to be treated as garbage. There is a difference in having a relation or a slave-master? Unfortunately you are under his spell, reason wont work if you do not want to see what we see. People walk away from people they once loved all the time. Even IF he misses you, doesn't mean he'll ever want you back. Happened to me and many others here who are telling you from experience. You may think your story is unique, but it is not. Very true, my ex left me for factors who did not have a thing to do with me or what she felt for me: a medical situation and problems her parents were experiencing. Sucked the life out of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Drspell12 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 You didn't made him treat you a certain way. Good guys treat girls with decency even when they are not in love with them......hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel you're making for yourself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I truly have been given incredible advice, but I worry because although I'm absolutely telling the truth about everything he did, maybe posters just aren't aware of how I deserve the treatment or "made" him act that way. I don't know how I possibly could have but nevertheless. I just wanted to know how to get him back I think it pretty clear that no one can tell you how to do that. In the opinion of many on this thread, it is not going to happen. So, maybe you should consider whether it is worthwhile to keep asking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Ok I can't "'make" him want me back. But he's loved me so much before that there has To be a way to fix a couple small things. Like if I surprised him by actually respecting his space for a little while then maybe he'll be happy when he finally does see me again? How could he not miss me??? He could not miss you if he does not love you the way you love him. And, sadly, after reading this thread that is almost certainly the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 So, maybe you should consider whether it is worthwhile to keep asking. How to help a friend who is being abused | womenshealth.gov If your friend decides to stay, continue to be supportive. Your friend may decide to stay in the relationship, or she may leave and then go back many times. It may be hard for you to understand, but people stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. Be supportive, no matter what your friend decides to do. Just saying, as I keep reading this argument. Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Just saying, as I keep reading this argument. I apologize - I can't read that particular article, but does it advocate counselling a friend on how to remain in the relationship, and attract the abuser back to her? Because that is what OP is asking. Just wondering how far the concept of "support" goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I apologize - I can't read that particular article, but does it advocate counselling a friend on how to remain in the relationship, and attract the abuser back to her? Because that is what OP is asking. Just wondering how far the concept of "support" goes. Hi Anna, please do not appologize. I was reacting to a very natural reaction where people hope and expect to follow their advice. While unfortunately with abused people it is a bit different, this official website is advicing people who have friends who are in abusive relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I feel like I'm the one who was wrong because I was overbearing, always anxious. It was just hard not to be when he hadn't said "I love you" or really talked about the future, even in general terms, after over a year, and forget me meeting his family or Skyping with them (they're in q foreign country) or anything.... And when e finally said he loved me and wanted to marry me he immediately snuck off to meet a girl at a bar at midnight. So he's partially to blame too. I just want to know what to say once we finally talk again to make him realize I've changed Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) I feel like I'm the one who was wrong because I was overbearing, always anxious. It was just hard not to be when he hadn't said "I love you" or really talked about the future, even in general terms, after over a year, and forget me meeting his family or Skyping with them (they're in q foreign country) or anything.... And when e finally said he loved me and wanted to marry me he immediately snuck off to meet a girl at a bar at midnight. So he's partially to blame too. I just want to know what to say once we finally talk again to make him realize I've changed You just don't get it. Most people don't wait a year to tell someone they're with they love them Most people don't go a year without some talk about a future. Most people who say they love you for the first time, mean it, and DONT sneak off to meet another person at a bar. You were right to be pushy after all this. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. WHY do you think you don't deserve better? What part of any of this don't you get? and why don't you get it after this and other lengthy threads? I've never seen anyone so unable to see reality. How many relationships have you had in your life? Whatever made you think what he did to you is normal in a loving relationship? And read this: You Don?t Love This Person, You Love the Idea of This Person - Edited August 23, 2015 by organizedchaos 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 You just don't get it. Most people don't wait a year to tell someone they're with they love them Most people don't go a year without some talk about a future. Most people who say they love you for the first time, mean it, and DONT sneak off to meet another person at a bar. You were right to be pushy after all this. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. WHY do you think you don't deserve better? What part of any of this don't you get? and why don't you get it after this and other lengthy threads? I've never seen anyone so unable to see reality. How many relationships have you had in your life? Whatever made you think what he did to you is normal in a loving relationship? And read this: You Don?t Love This Person, You Love the Idea of This Person - It's like the movie Groundhog Day unforunately. Just the same rehashing of the same stuff over and over for days and days upon end with absolutely no movement ahead. Unfortunately I don't think this poster will ever get it and will keep herself immersed in this drama until this guy cuts her off completely, and he won't do that until he discovers another woman that he loves so much that he'll disregard the OP's safety blanket. And if and when that happens, I'm really afraid of how the OP will react. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 So he's partially to blame too. No, he is WHOLLY to blame. This is my last post because I am tired of trying to pound reason into you. Without in-depth therapy, you will continue being the used and abused person that you are. And I guess that is what you want. I just want to know what to say once we finally talk again to make him realize I've changed You can say, "I am ready to be your slave, f*cktoy, and lamppost, because that is only thing I value myself as in reflection to you." I give up. :mad: 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Rams don't you think it is strange that so many people say that it his fault, while you were anxious with him? There must be a reason for that. It is not what you asked for, but it is what we saw reading your posts. If I am honest with you I am almost sure you will go back with him. an I am almost sure too for as long as this thread is going on that you will come back and read this thread over in half a year and think wow, this looks my situation and my thoughts now, what can I do to change him? Stop being your dad!! I just want to know what to say once we finally talk again to make him realize I've changed Ideally: 'f*ck you.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I just think he ran to sneak with the other girl bc he didn't like that I had to be serious (saying I love you, having s general talk about future) after 14 months. So now once we finally talk again, I want to figure out what to say to get him back and believe I'm sorry Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I just think he ran to sneak with the other girl bc he didn't like that I had to be serious (saying I love you, having s general talk about future) after 14 months. So now once we finally talk again, I want to figure out what to say to get him back and believe I'm sorry I give up too. I'm done with this thread. You're either playing us for fools or you will never listen to us. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I have been following this thread since something similar (just similar, not identical) happened to me and I, too, struggled to accept reality. But I think that at this point it is pretty clear that no one here is capable to convince you that it is not your fault... So... I'll pray for you. Good luck, rams. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 I'm so sorry to frustrate everyone. I just want to know how to convey to him that I'm sorry and will Change my ways and be more laid back and not require "I love you's" or any discussion of future plans after 2 years Link to post Share on other sites
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