Itspointless Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Again no reaction to the link I posted ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Ok but that doesnt mean he can't miss me and want to get back together. Otherwise he wouldn't have said he just needs a little time to process everything and then we'll talk Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Hey, look.... I don't mean to sound harsh, rams... But really, why do you want this guy back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Well I know he doesn't pay much attention to me, isn't always honest (flirting and asking girl for photos behind my back and trying to meet up w her), and tells me himself that work is his priority, not me. But I don't need that much attention and I'm sure once he gets to a more stable point in his career he'll be able to focus on having a family like he says. But while I certainly get not having kids till later, I really don't understand why he has to put off getting married or at least engaged for years "because of work." Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Well I know he doesn't pay much attention to me, isn't always honest (flirting and asking girl for photos behind my back and trying to meet up w her), and tells me himself that work is his priority, not me. But I don't need that much attention and I'm sure once he gets to a more stable point in his career he'll be able to focus on having a family like he says. But while I certainly get not having kids till later, I really don't understand why he has to put off getting married or at least engaged for years "because of work." I know the answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I know the answer. Yeah, me too. I guess there really isn't much to tell in here anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Everyone knows the answer but me? I'm still just hoping with all my might he'll have a warmer heart once we finally talk agaib Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Everyone knows the answer but me? I'm still just hoping with all my might he'll have a warmer heart once we finally talk agaib Its not rocket-science Rams. Your hope masks what you otherwise would see. He is not interested in marrying you, you are convenient to him when you do not want to much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 I think you're smart. I read texts from his last GF (he told me he dumped her after 3-4 years because she wanted to talk about getting engaged), and his last Gf said, "even your best friends parents keep warning me you're just using me out of convenience and will drop me as soon as it's not easy anymore." Why else would a guy not say I love you back after over a year, then finally say "I love you and will marry you someday when I decide" and then immediately Try to Go sneak out with another girl behind my back? I just wonder if being apart will make him miss me and maybe he'll come back more serious. He didn't close the door, just said "I need time alone to process and then we'll talk" Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I think you're smart. I read texts from his last GF (he told me he dumped her after 3-4 years because she wanted to talk about getting engaged), and his last Gf said, "even your best friends parents keep warning me you're just using me out of convenience and will drop me as soon as it's not easy anymore." Why else would a guy not say I love you back after over a year, then finally say "I love you and will marry you someday when I decide" and then immediately Try to Go sneak out with another girl behind my back? I just wonder if being apart will make him miss me and maybe he'll come back more serious. He didn't close the door, just said "I need time alone to process and then we'll talk" Thanks Rams I hope an employer soon will have that thought too. Sometimes our history deceives us. From what you have written I get that you have work very hard to get where you are now professionally. I also understand that goes with the values you are taught at home. But Rams a relation is not supposed to be such hard work and this one-sided. You know the answers, but your body deceives you as it is familiar to you and you mistakenly take it for love. That and your anxiety is why you keep repeating those questions over and over. You think you want him, but unfortunately the only thing you do is recreating old traumas (that unfortunately is an psychological principle). Listen to his ex and his best friend parents. I cannot think of another reason than convenience Rams. Perhaps he will miss you and perhaps not. It is what my ex also said to me when she pushed me away due to illness and stress: ‘in time we can talk’. At a certain moment I realized that she is not going to change (as I know she has done certain things before). I am certain he will come back, she also contacted me several times, but I can tell you he will do again what he did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 I appreciate all the advice. I love him so much that I just keep thinking about him saying we'll talk after he has time to process everything about the getting married, etc. he never said "I just need a little time and then we'll talk" before, usually just ignores me for days. But gosh how will I even re initiate a convo once we finally do talk, what to say? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 But gosh how will I even re initiate a convo Just don't. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 But gosh how will I even re initiate a convo once we finally do talk, what to say? Tell him that you love him so much and want him back that you have 2 threads about it on Loveshack. Then, show him the links. Problem solved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm failing to Se why everyone thinks it's so awful for me to contact him. He said we would talk after he had time to process Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm failing to Se why everyone thinks it's so awful for me to contact him. The title of this thread is: "How do I avoid making the same mistakes again?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm failing to Se why everyone thinks it's so awful for me to contact him. Because three different threads worth of advice from dozens of people believe you shouldn't be with him. You are obsessed and think clearly. You fail to see what is obvious to everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 We didn't break up for any good reason, just him being mad that I brought up when he kept sneaking and flirting and asking the other girl for photos and he never apologized to me for that so how can I really think he wouldn't do it again. And also because he said I want to get married sooner than he does which is also the reason he broke up w his last gf after almost 4 years. But can't he realize he misses me now that I'm gone? What do I say to him Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 You broke up because he doesn't love you, want to marry you or desire any future with you. Those are all perfectly good reasons to break up. There is nothing you can say to him that will make him change his mind. He is not sincere about wanting to talk later, he's just putting you off. If he missed you or loved you he wouldn't be ignoring you. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm failing to Se why everyone thinks it's so awful for me to contact him. He said we would talk after he had time to process As the great Ace Ventura once said, "Denial can be an ugly thing." Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm failing to Se why everyone thinks it's so awful for me to contact him. He said we would talk after he had time to process There is nothing horrible about contacting. But with what you have written about him I cannot conclude any other thing than that he is a horrible man to be with. Seriously, I am more thoughtful of my trash than he is to you, according what you are writing to us. If such a treatment is what you think you deserve than you should proceed. But even as you are in denial you know that what you asked him was not that strange, certainly not a reason to sidetrack you for an indefinite time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 You broke up because he doesn't love you, want to marry you or desire any future with you. Those are all perfectly good reasons to break up. There is nothing you can say to him that will make him change his mind. He is not sincere about wanting to talk later, he's just putting you off. If he missed you or loved you he wouldn't be ignoring you. But then he wouldn't have asked me to move in (although he's said repeatedly "I never wanted you to move in, you were just so pushy about it"). And he did take me to all his work events and friends' weddings and came with me for one holiday w my family. He wouldn't have kept it up for 2 years if he didn't love me. What i can't understand is why he couldn't say "I love you and do want to marry you someday" until I brought up that his lack of saying so bothered me after 14 months, and then he said it and immediately tried to sneak out to drink w another girl . Is it just being scared of too much too soon? That's why I hope a little time alone will make him realize he misses Me ? And you all say he's just "putting me off" but he has never told me he'll talk after he has a little time to process- normally he just stone cold ignores me for a week Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Rams, for a moment forgetting all those other things, has he ever mentioned finding it a good idea to go to therapy and work on his avoidance of commitment? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 At one point he mentioned we could go to counseling. I already see a counselor so one day when I Knew my BF was free I asked if he'd join. He said no because "we'll find our own separate counselor." But he never actually made effort to find one. So then I didn't know if he'd just said we'd go to counseling as lip service, just as he used to say "we have to build the right foundation for marriage before actually doing it, including via our religion" but never actually wanted us to pray together, go to church groups together, etc. at most I'd be the one making effort to go to church with him when he was going by himself anyhow Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 At one point he mentioned we could go to counseling. I already see a counselor so one day when I Knew my BF was free I asked if he'd join. He said no because "we'll find our own separate counselor." But he never actually made effort to find one. So then I didn't know if he'd just said we'd go to counseling as lip service, just as he used to say "we have to build the right foundation for marriage before actually doing it, including via our religion" but never actually wanted us to pray together, go to church groups together, etc. at most I'd be the one making effort to go to church with him when he was going by himself anyhow Good to hear that you are seeing a counsellor. I am curious what does your counsellor think? It does sound like a lip service as it fits in line with your other example. He should be begging you to come back and in that instance I think one of your demands should be having counselling together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I feel like he'll never contact me again even though he looked so sad when I left 2 weeks ago and said he just needed a little space to process with all our fights about marriage, and then we'll talk. So, do you think it's possible that even though we were in a relationship for 2 years, he was just using me & never had any intent of marrying me? Bc he never, ever brought up future in any way unless I kept asking, and he hadn't said "I love you" after 14 months, and when I said this bugged me, he said it back and immediately tried to sneak out w another girl. It was confusing bc he would on occasion spend time w my family, Though he never introduced me to his. Really, right from first date he was trying hard to get me into bed & didn't initiate any sort of meaningful convo beyond our career paths. He never ever called, only texted. For our second date, best he could do was invite me over to watch q movie. But it got confusing bc eventually he did let me hang out around his friends, and you know he let me Move into his place too. So why do those things, but also not seem super interested? Link to post Share on other sites
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