Gus Grimly Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Maybe this guy really is a slimy partner? Nah, he's sounds pretty amazing. That's why everyone has been saying the complete opposite, they're jealous that you have such a wonderful man. I mean, not only did he spend his precious time to help you with a work question, the man handed you toothpaste. Handed! Let me say that one more time .... HANDED! What a guy! He set the bar very high, gonna be hard for the rest of the single men out there to compete with that kinda chivalry. You better keep a tight leash on this one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Maybe that's why he said "I lied and flirted and deleted texts bc that's who I am. I did it with the girl before you too. It's not going to change" and "family does not matter to me. Want proof? I haven't seen mine in 12 years." When his sister confirmed he seems to have forgotten the family, maybe a normal woman would've said "I don't drink this would be a good guy to marry" or maybe she would've left a year ago with an "I love you" followed by sneaking and a guy who spent nights in his office at home staring at computer, unwilling to look up for even 5 min to talk to me ever , actually referred to me coming in to say "hey how was your day" as an unwelcome interruption from work. That's been for a long time YOU are correct a normal woman would not be seen for dust as those things about himself he is showing you are NOT normal. Families can fall out and that is very sad, but a man who has not had family disagreements but says his family doesn't matter to him and that he doesn't care about them is a very strange man. He is not marriage material. RED FLAG A man who brags about lying and flirting in other relationships and continues to do so and holds it over you, is a very strange man. He is a sadist and enjoys hurting you, that is not marriage material. RED FLAG A man who is not friendly in the slightest and shows you no respect whatsoever is a very strange man. YOU are not a high priority to him, and if he will not prioritise you before marriage he will not do so later. RED FLAG Most normal women see one red flag and run as fast as they can in the opposite direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Nah, he's sounds pretty amazing. That's why everyone has been saying the complete opposite, they're jealous that you have such a wonderful man. I mean, not only did he spend his precious time to help you with a work question, the man handed you toothpaste. Handed! Let me say that one more time .... HANDED! What a guy! He set the bar very high, gonna be hard for the rest of the single men out there to compete with that kinda chivalry. You better keep a tight leash on this one. As obvious as that may be, I once fell for a woman who had strong borderline tendencies. We often fall for the wrong people and sometimes only see it years after: I did ... My latest ex could not deal with proximity and emotions. I too apparently have a unlucky picker, for me it means that I have to discover what it s that attracted me (and still attracts me to my ex). I am hundred percent sure rams knows that the toothpaste example was ridiculous, otherwise she wouldn't be posting here asking about her mistakes. To answer her question, the mistakes rams makes are ingrained in cognitive believes about herself, having a nervous system that searches for specific kinds of arousal, because of her experiences with her and ex and probably having had not so great models when it comes to having a secure base. But first rams needs to make sure she has some people lined up who can help her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 No one can help. I had the perfect guy and I ruined it by being insecure and wanting to chat About future and being paranoid just because he lied/flirted/ deleetrd texts with one single girl last year Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 No one can help. I had the perfect guy and I ruined it by being insecure and wanting to chat About future and being paranoid just because he lied/flirted/ deleetrd texts with one single girl last year OK, you are taking the mickey now. smh 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 No one can help. I had the perfect guy and I ruined it by being insecure and wanting to chat About future and being paranoid just because he lied/flirted/ deleetrd texts with one single girl last year You know this is not true, it is your attachment to him speaking. Your mind is clouded as this is knowledge you do not want to hear.Have you read that article about that hormone Oxytoxin? https://cafephilos.wordpress.com/201...sive-partners/ 3) Stop making excuses for them At the start of any relationship, we all tend to blind ourselves to the faults and inconsistencies of the new partner. This is natural. We see them through rose-tinted spectacles. We find them attractive perhaps because they seem to need us so much or because they are sexy or very rapidly express undying love or fulfil a pattern of neglect and abuse that we have been 'trained' to feel familiar with by previous experiences. Perhaps all the attention - even jealousy - is flattering. This is normal, but the first step of getting out of an abusive relationship is seeing it for what it is. There may be reasons, but there are no excuses for your partner treating you like dirt or cynically manipulating you. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 No one can help. I had the perfect guy and I ruined it by being insecure and wanting to chat About future and being paranoid just because he lied/flirted/ deleetrd texts with one single girl last year Two steps forward, FORTY STEPS backward... :rolleyes::roll eyes: You state that you were being paranoid because he "lied/flirted" without realizing that most people end relationships when someone lies and flirts with others! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Rams do you have friends or family nearby? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 No one can help. I had the perfect guy and I ruined it by being insecure and wanting to chat About future and being paranoid just because he lied/flirted/ deleetrd texts with one single girl last year Have you listened to ANYTHING that anyone has told you here? Or is this story actually true? Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 ‘Oxytocin is highly addictive. Some scientists even describe oxytocin as being more addictive than heroin. […] the woman leaving an abusive relationship — has been taught her entire life to call the feelings produced by oxytocin — to call those feelings, “love”.’ Rams I get that the feeling is much stronger than the desire to think about it. Deep down I know you know what is best. Just to repeat my question Rams do you have friends or family nearby? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 not really... going home to visit my family and friends next time I have off from work. I just blame myself bc maybe I shouldn't have been too picky. I know a year was soon to wonder why he hadnt said "I love you" and wasnt willing to talk abut the future in any reasonable conversatin. But I just sensed, I guess, based on his daily behavior that he didn't really "care" about me. or at least thats the sense I got from someone who was going behind my back flirting etc, and never bothered to ask any sort of real questions about my life and who I am as a person or tell me about himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) not really... going home to visit my family and friends next time I have off from work. I just blame myself bc maybe I shouldn't have been too picky. I know a year was soon to wonder why he hadnt said "I love you" and wasnt willing to talk abut the future in any reasonable conversatin. But I just sensed, I guess, based on his daily behavior that he didn't really "care" about me. or at least thats the sense I got from someone who was going behind my back flirting etc, and never bothered to ask any sort of real questions about my life and who I am as a person or tell me about himself. Rams, I trust your gut and what it was telling you. You have slowly succeeded in quieting it because the truth is way to scary to think about. Believe me every sane person would get anxious if she (or he) would not get any clear sign by his loved one. On top of that you got the lying, the thing with the lease, him almost not talking to you, no affection, shutting his family out, etc. I know this is not what you hoped for when you were posting here asking for tips. It is important that you start to trust your gut again, as I believe it was your gut that got you posting here. You need to talk with your family or good friends about this. Edited July 26, 2015 by Itspointless 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 We were so happy, having so much fun.... Then, after a little over a year, I had to bring up saying "I love you" and wanting to at least briefly discuss the future. That was the first time he decided to respond by staring at the wall and completely refusing to speak to me for DAYS. Instead of talking. And it was all downhill from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 We were so happy, having so much fun.... Then, after a little over a year, I had to bring up saying "I love you" and wanting to at least briefly discuss the future. That was the first time he decided to respond by staring at the wall and completely refusing to speak to me for DAYS. Instead of talking. And it was all downhill from there. I know how it feels to be given the silent-treatment, it is awful when you are the victim of it. You know the silent-treatment is a punish, but says way more about the people doing it than the ones receiving it. 'The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive action where a person feels bad but is unable to express themselves. Their being 'silent' is never a silent act. It generates what the sulker wants − attention and the knowledge others are hurt, plus a feeling of power from creating uncertainty over how long the ‘silence’ will last' It explains why you turned to feeling bits of recognition as affection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 He did it for every single conflict or difficult conversation. for DAYs. I'd try to talk calmly and he'd stare through me like he could care less. Whenever he's finally talk again days later, he'd just act like nothing happened. No way he'd discuss the conflict like a mature adult. And although I tried to be calm, after a while this behavior would start to infuriate me and I'd raise my voice and/or cry because it just hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 He did it for every single conflict or difficult conversation. for DAYs. I'd try to talk calmly and he'd stare through me like he could care less. Whenever he's finally talk again days later, he'd just act like nothing happened. No way he'd discuss the conflict like a mature adult. And although I tried to be calm, after a while this behavior would start to infuriate me and I'd raise my voice and/or cry because it just hurt. You have to feel that anger, do not internalize it. It is good to feel your emotions and let it out. It is not childish it is mature to do, you did nothing wrong. Try to search for that anger within you, you need to feel your power! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 I do feel like, who is he to disrespect my job , not just to me repeatedly but to the point my mom even noticed it first time she met him? I have a graduate degree and make 6 figures, excuse me. Who is he to decide not to speak to me for 2 days or more, just stare at me while I try to make convo to resolve the conflict, then eventually get teary eyed bc it hurts to be so ignored? And the way he says "I'll tell you when I'm ready to get married" in a cold way, never asking my opinion or seeming to care what I think about anything he does Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I do feel like, who is he to disrespect my job , not just to me repeatedly but to the point my mom even noticed it first time she met him? I have a graduate degree and make 6 figures, excuse me. Who is he to decide not to speak to me for 2 days or more, just stare at me while I try to make convo to resolve the conflict, then eventually get teary eyed bc it hurts to be so ignored? And the way he says "I'll tell you when I'm ready to get married" in a cold way, never asking my opinion or seeming to care what I think about anything he does That is what I mean, do you feel the power in that? You know what you are worth. Link to post Share on other sites
nouedis Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 To avoid making the same mistakes just try not to make them again. Easy as that. Distract yourself. Keep something else in mind. Don't let temptation get the best of you. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I have a graduate degree and make 6 figures This absolutely blows me away. The way you have been acting through all three of your threads was as that of an ignorant, un-educated, adolescent. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Rams you are smart and have power, inhale that knowledge! Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 This absolutely blows me away. The way you have been acting through all three of your threads was as that of an ignorant, un-educated, adolescent. None of this makes sense to me either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LeslieKnope Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Rams, a lot of people on here are very concerned for your well-being. As itspointless has suggested, have you spoken to your friends and family about his behaviour and your feelings? Though your family isn't nearby, do you have any friends that are? I tell ya, every time I read one of your posts I want to reach through my iPad and pluck you out of that toxic environment. With that said, you have the strength to get yourself out of there. Truly, you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 Before people told me I was wrong because of pushing him for marriage or not trusting him. But there were so many reasons I didn't trust him all along. Not just failing to say "I love you," or finally saying it then immediately attempting to sneak out with another girl at a bar and endlessly flirting with her. On a daily basis, I couldn't feel like he cared when he never tried to make any real conversation. About my day or his day, plans he might suggest for the weekend let alone the future. Actively criticizing my (actually very highly respected) job even in front of my own mom, and others notice him doing it separate from me, being arrogant. You think I was crazy for being insecure that he hadn't said I love you back after over a year? What about the fact that he's never once told me something he loved or appreciated or respected about me- even some dumb random little thing. If I tell him I got praise from a boss at work, he responds "cool" with a flat voice and face, later tells me "what are you a 5 year old? Are you expecting me to pat you on the back?" The "good" moments were us having excellent physical chemistry, and me feeling so special and chosen and really wanting to make it work because of his job title- I made up my mind that he was the best of the best and I shouldn't settle for less. I was thrilled and on such a high when he paid attention to me bc I sensed it wasn't his "default" to really care about anyone so I felt chosen Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 You think I was crazy for being insecure that he hadn't said I love you back after over a year? [...] The "good" moments were us having excellent physical chemistry, and me feeling so special and chosen and really wanting to make it work because of his job title- I made up my mind that he was the best of the best and I shouldn't settle for less. I was thrilled and on such a high when he paid attention to me bc I sensed it wasn't his "default" to really care about anyone so I felt chosen No you were not crazy, it would make me very insecure too. Unfortunately chemistry often is not enough. Rams with your guy there seems to be something really off, being him a narcissist - as he seems to not have empathy - or something else. Link to post Share on other sites
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