Itspointless Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 You need help that's above this board's paygrade. You sound like an obsessed cult member. Best of luck. I do not get some of the posters here. Rams has been heavily under influence by this guy. Simon Phoenix is right in a way as with cult members Rams is brainwashed by this guy, due all the games he has been playing. Insanity has the following meaning: 'extreme foolishness or irrationality.' Falling in love is by definition irrational, add to that all the games he has been playing and a lot of Oxytocin (the love chemical in our brains) and we find ourselves in Rams her place, nothing logical there. Calling her insane or dumb does not really help her, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I think you're right. I mean, a guy who really never makes plans with me, goes along for the ride, doesn't really tell me much about himself /family/his life or ask me about mine... It got confusing after a year though, because we were still together and then he finally said "I love you and I do want to marry you" back. But he only said it bc I had been upset and told him "I don't think we're on the same page." could he really have meant it when he immediately tried to meet up with another girl at a bar and continued to flirt/ask her for pics/ said they'll drink at her apartment together when she's back in town, for weeks?? It does not sound like love for you to me Rams. He sounds more like a leech who needs some blood and says whatever needed to get it. I just need to figure out what I did to deserve him turning on me so badly. You did nothing to deserve that. He is a cold guy just as you wrote. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I wonder the same thing. she keeps repeating herself, going in circles. How many times is she going to tell us how horrible he was to her and why she can't figure out why he never said he loved her.in a year? It's the same post reworded every single time with ZERO progress from all the advice. And this isn't the first thread saying the exact same things either from her. I'm sorry but no one with any sense of reality or how relationships should work would put up with this and can be this dense. IF this story is true and she truely has put up with all this then Simon is right, use some of that money she supposedly makes and get some real therapy. Yes I also recommended therapy many posts ago and agree with that. I also understand that it is frustrating for many members to keep repeating the same. Rams, he is a very unhealthy guy to be around, are you prepared to take some distance of him? And just curious where is he originally from? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 When I look at photos of my ex, I see someone who objectively isn't physically attractive to me. In real life, I was drawn to him/felt amazing chemistry bc on the first date, was very smooth and all over me, clearly wanting to come in to my place, acting very confident and like he'd done this before, and- this is a big one- I'd perceived during the date that he wasn't a sweet or "nice" guy, didn't seem concerned with truly starting to get to know me or telling me anything beyond superficial about him, didn't seem concerned with whether he was making a good impression on me. And he had the "right" job box checked off on my checklist (ie he basically has my own job). if he'd messaged me on a dating site, I highly doubt I would've responded bc 1) when I look at photos of my ex, I don't find him super attractive and 2) I guarantee his conversation would've bored me, as it so often did in real life, never scratching the surface of superficial. But even when it became clear he wasn't that into me and we didn't have a "deep" connection, some part of me wanted to continue with him because I felt almost relieved that I could be with someone good on the surface and didn't have to be "alone," yet I also didn't have to form a true, deep connection or intimacy with a guy, which is a thought that kind of turns me off and makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather worry about whether he's flirting with other girls than spend time with a nice guy who's really trying to connect with me. What is wrong with me??? Link to post Share on other sites
LeslieKnope Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I think unfortunately the OP may have some mental health and behavioural issues (apart from her clear low self-esteem) that go beyond the capabilities of us LS folk. And if it is just trolling then this person has OCD anyway for continuing to waste his/her and everyone else's time. I'm wondering if it's possible/worthwhile to remove this thread as it's gotten to the end of its rope. Moderators? Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I think unfortunately the OP may have some mental health and behavioural issues (apart from her clear low self-esteem) that go beyond the capabilities of us LS folk. And if it is just trolling then this person has OCD anyway for continuing to waste his/her and everyone else's time. I'm wondering if it's possible/worthwhile to remove this thread as it's gotten to the end of its rope. Moderators? I have to admit that I am also one of those persons that needs to hear the same thing many times as doubt creeps in time and time again. I do not believe she is trolling, but I guess this thread belongs in the abuse section. What Rams writes in her last message is new information for me. Perhaps not for the people who have read the other threads too. For me personally it does not matter to tell the same over and over again, while rams is adjusting her receiver to hear us and see. When I look at photos of my ex, I see someone who objectively isn't physically attractive to me. In real life, I was drawn to him/felt amazing chemistry bc on the first date, was very smooth and all over me, clearly wanting to come in to my place, acting very confident and like he'd done this before, and- this is a big one- I'd perceived during the date that he wasn't a sweet or "nice" guy, didn't seem concerned with truly starting to get to know me or telling me anything beyond superficial about him, didn't seem concerned with whether he was making a good impression on me. And he had the "right" job box checked off on my checklist (ie he basically has my own job). if he'd messaged me on a dating site, I highly doubt I would've responded bc 1) when I look at photos of my ex, I don't find him super attractive and 2) I guarantee his conversation would've bored me, as it so often did in real life, never scratching the surface of superficial. But even when it became clear he wasn't that into me and we didn't have a "deep" connection, some part of me wanted to continue with him because I felt almost relieved that I could be with someone good on the surface and didn't have to be "alone," yet I also didn't have to form a true, deep connection or intimacy with a guy, which is a thought that kind of turns me off and makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather worry about whether he's flirting with other girls than spend time with a nice guy who's really trying to connect with me. What is wrong with me??? Rams, he probably has done this before. Sometimes people excite us because they have something familiar, but it does not mean that the familiar is healthy per se. You wrote important insights in the second paragraph Rams. It is that insecurity that keeps you with him and is willing to go with much less than you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 ****Moderators Note**** Let's keep the posts helpful and not hurtful, name calling isn't considered on topic in any of the forums here. If you feel that you cannot post helpful advice or no longer can then move on to a thread where you can, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Honestly, you're like a broken record, repeating the story of him going out with a girl after that talk. If I recall, you went off in a huff yourself, with a girlfriend. In all of two years, you have a few very specific (and minor, I might add) incidents that you're obsessed with. Do you grovel for crumbs at your job as well? I didn't "go off in a huff," I gave him a big hug and said "well you know I had plans with my best friend, see u later." And it's not that I was mad for him going out with a girl friend. It's that he lied about it, deleted the texts; then proceeded to continue flirting for weeks, asking her for photos, all very secretive. And he never apologized when I confronted him. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I didn't "go off in a huff," I gave him a big hug and said "well you know I had plans with my best friend, see u later." And it's not that I was mad for him going out with a girl friend. It's that he lied about it, deleted the texts; then proceeded to continue flirting for weeks, asking her for photos, all very secretive. And he never apologized when I confronted him. That is called emotional cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Well he knew I had a guy friend and I'd send him pics of my family and he'd call me on the phone. But we've been friends for 10 years and id always take his calls in front of my boyfriend and told him everything so no secrecy. That was the difference to me- I wasn't hiding and deleting texts Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Well he knew I had a guy friend and I'd send him pics of my family and he'd call me on the phone. But we've been friends for 10 years and id always take his calls in front of my boyfriend and told him everything so no secrecy. That was the difference to me- I wasn't hiding and deleting texts That difference is crucial Rams. There is in my view nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex. But the way he did it it, that is not a friendship. That is researching other possibilities and acting on it. Link to post Share on other sites
seasickpeeve Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Do you love him? Because you only talk about him as a job title and someone to push into marriage. Imagine you do manage to get a marriage out of this. You'll achieve your goal. You'll feel special for awhile. Then what? You still wont have a deep connection, good conversations, he'll still flirt with other girls and maybe more only now it will be alot harder to leave. Imagine having children thrown into this too. You said you don't want a relationship where the man adores you because it will be boring. But if that was true you wouldn't be here trying to make something better of your relationship. He has told you and shown you things will not change. Believe him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 I never trusted him. I was constantly pushing to discuss the future/marriage because I thought it'd make me feel more "secure." It's hard to feel secure with a guy who won't say "I love you" back after over a year, and even 6 months in, lied about delaying our date night because of work when he actually met a single coworker out for drinks with a few others (the girl texted asking if he'd come and said "was hoping you'd take me home after ;)"). My BF deleted her texts & lied repeatedly to me that he'd come right home from work. So this incident was long before he tried to sneak w another girl to the bar at midnight and kept flirting w her for a while, asking for pics... He also deleted those texts & saved her under a guys name on his phone. Based on all this it was hard for me to be secure. Do you think I was too hard on him? He just didn't even listen to me talk about my day or care to really do anything w me even though we lived together. Lied about my name being on the lease Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I never trusted him. I was constantly pushing to discuss the future/marriage because I thought it'd make me feel more "secure." It's hard to feel secure with a guy who won't say "I love you" back after over a year, and even 6 months in, lied about delaying our date night because of work when he actually met a single coworker out for drinks with a few others (the girl texted asking if he'd come and said "was hoping you'd take me home after ;)"). My BF deleted her texts & lied repeatedly to me that he'd come right home from work. So this incident was long before he tried to sneak w another girl to the bar at midnight and kept flirting w her for a while, asking for pics... He also deleted those texts & saved her under a guys name on his phone. Based on all this it was hard for me to be secure. Do you think I was too hard on him? He just didn't even listen to me talk about my day or care to really do anything w me even though we lived together. Lied about my name being on the lease Simple question, yes or no answer: Do you believe this is how a relationship is supposed to work? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Based on all this it was hard for me to be secure. Do you think I was too hard on him? Do you see what you are doing? I do not know if you have read the articles I have linked to, but I advice you to search on google for 'abuse' and 'self-blame'. I am told he isn't made of silk. so the answer definitely is no. He deserves to be put in his place though, the more I read about him the more he annoys me. Rams, where and what culture is he from? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 He deserves to be put in his place though, the more I read about him the more he annoys me. Rams, where and what culture is he from? Lol, me too. Nigeria Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Lol, me too. Nigeria Thank you for answering. I find it positive that you also say (like me) that the more you read about him the more it starts to annoy you. It should. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Dude, he's trying to "prorate" the rent and collect $ from me (for "our" apartment, the one where he lied to me about me ever being on lease) up until the very day I move all my stuff out. I also remember how I needed to crash with him for a month early in our relationship bc my apt was infested with pests... And at the end of that month he actually collected half of the rent money from me!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Simple question, yes or no answer: Do you believe this is how a relationship is supposed to work? No. But I do believe that sometimes people have to settle and at least I could be partially happy with him, his good looks and dress and feeling the thrill of being "chosen," than I will be without him ever Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 No. But I do believe that sometimes people have to settle and at least I could be partially happy with him, his good looks and dress and feeling the thrill of being "chosen," than I will be without him ever This is gonna hurt like heck, but I think your situation is quite the opposite. I think he feels he is settling with you. Because it's plainly obvious that he doesn't love you or actually want to commit to you. He's keeping you around until someone else comes along, and he could drop you instantly, at any time. You have convinced yourself that you have the upper hand, when he is the one in the driver's seat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 No. But I do believe that sometimes people have to settle and at least I could be partially happy with him, his good looks and dress and feeling the thrill of being "chosen," than I will be without him ever I've read your thread, and I don't see anything that should lead you to believe that he's "chosen" you at all. It looks to me like you're someone he barely tolerates, and not even does that when there's a better prospect in his sights. You shouldn't have to work this hard, or accept so little, from anyone you're in a relationship with. Hell, you shouldn't put up with the crap he's pulled from even just a friend. He's a jerk, at the very least, and you can do sooooooo much better. Yeah, people settle a bit in relationships, but this is beyond settling. This is seeing how he treats you, knowing you deserve better, and clinging to any and every tiny silly reason to stay. Who cares if he has a good job and is attractive? What does that all matter when you're feeling worthless because your boyfriend of a year can't say "I love you" or is telling you he's texting another woman and doesn't care if you know. I'm harsh, but you deserve so much better. You owe it to yourself to move on. All you're doing is telling yourself that you aren't worth love, respect, or common decency by staying with him. But believe me, you sure do. I hope you can gather up the courage needed to leave him and never look back. I'm rooting for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 No. But I do believe that sometimes people have to settle and at least I could be partially happy with him, his good looks and dress and feeling the thrill of being "chosen," than I will be without him ever Get professional help. You're not being chosen. You're being put up with. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I do not like making sweeping generalizations, but the comment section on this page below sounds a bit familiar: Nigerian Men... Facts About Men in Nigeria Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Because it's plainly obvious that he doesn't love you or actually want to commit to you. He's keeping you around until someone else comes along, and he could drop you instantly, at any time. I read texts from his ex gf. In 3 years, he never said he loved her. The ex said to him, "your family warned me that you were just using me and would drop me as soon as it wasn't convenient for you anymore." (This "family" is his best friend's parents, as his real family is overseas.) Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I read texts from his ex gf. In 3 years, he never said he loved her. The ex said to him, "your family warned me that you were just using me and would drop me as soon as it wasn't convenient for you anymore." (This "family" is his best friend's parents, as his real family is overseas.) So you know his true character. He will do the same to you. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are special to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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