Author rams10 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 Every one of my friends and family has assured me that I did nothing wrong. One had even told me to break up with him when he couldn't express "I love you" after over a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Every one of my friends and family has assured me that I did nothing wrong. One had even told me to break up with him when he couldn't express "I love you" after over a year. They are right Rams. It is not great to admit to ourselves, but sometimes we have to let people go even when we do not like the conclusions and admit them to ourselves. I also strongly suggest therapy, see it as a chance to get to know yourself better: I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 there has to be something i did to drive him away but I'm not sure what. It seemed like after I caught him sneaking (flirting, asking for pics, trying to meet up with girl behind my back) and he refused to apologize ever (said "you can keep effing waiting!)... And after he realized that I was going to want commitment (like engagement) and wouldn't wait for years, seems he dropped me like a hot potato as soon as it wasn't easy Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 there has to be something i did to drive him away but I'm not sure what. It seemed like after I caught him sneaking (flirting, asking for pics, trying to meet up with girl behind my back) and he refused to apologize ever (said "you can keep effing waiting!)... And after he realized that I was going to want commitment (like engagement) and wouldn't wait for years, seems he dropped me like a hot potato as soon as it wasn't easy Some people are just not made to commit and better not commit as they only make people miserable. And no this isn't about you, I am talking about him. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 So if we go back to the question of *this* thread, "How do I avoid making the same mistakes again?" The answer is to acknowledge that you did NOTHING wrong other than holding out for a guy who treated you horribly. The other question to ask is WHY did you hold on for so long? Why are you obsessing with the idea that you were the one to push him away? What was so special about this guy that you would continue to subject yourself to his abuse? Why aren't you in counseling to figure out these types of questions so that you will not make the same mistakes again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 He had a high standing prestigious job (same as my own) and I got it in my head that I "deserved" this because of my own success and because it'd give us some serious common ground. But in reality when I told him stories from work, he'd criticize what I did or act like his position was above mine or I wasn't as smart. I thought I was just asking too much. Shouldn't I just accept that this guy asked me to move in (even though he lied to me about being on the lease), and told me that he intends to marry me (even though after saying it he tried to sneak out with another girl to a bar at midnight)? I just felt I was asking too much when he already did those 2 things even if not "perfect" circumstances. But on a daily basis I got sick of how he'd walk in the door, coldly say "hello" and walk past me to go sit on his laptop, no interest in planning to do things or talking about our days for more than 10 minutes per night even when he had no deadlines. And maybe I'm not just insecure bc my parents both said he seems extremely cold to them too Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 He had a high standing prestigious job (same as my own) and I got it in my head that I "deserved" this because of my own success and because it'd give us some serious common ground. Luckily common ground can be found in more things. Actually the thought behind this that you wrote about isn't insecure at all. But as there also is another ex where abuse has played a role, it is important to take a closer look to what attracted you to these guys. It sounds like you have people with good eyes and ears around you, try to trust on their impressions while you work on yourself. Somewhere out there, there is a great guy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 What will it take for you to stop obsessing over him and the details of your relationship? If the answer is "I just need to know why he broke up with me" or "I need to understand what I did wrong", you're never going to be satisfied. Your relationship is over. He's not coming back. Trust me, I understand the "need" to ruminate, because after a break-up it's all we have left, but it's not healthy. You cannot create a new, positive change by focusing on what's come and gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 Anything possible. Why can't I get him back if I figure out and fix whatever I did wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Anything possible. Why can't I get him back if I figure out and fix whatever I did wrong Can you give us a good reason why you want him back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 He's successful, strong and independent. He made me feel so speci when he actually paid attention to me because I know he doesn't "need someone"- he doesn't really care about people that much- so it was really a self esteem boost to be chosen. He's q man of few words- couldn't even say I love you back after over a year- so I felt when he actually did say something, I could believe him. I know after he finally said I love you, he immediately began flirting and trying to sneak w that other girl, but maybe he was just scared of committing Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) He's successful, strong and independent. ... and a lousy partner. He choose you to be miserable with him. Was your father a weak man when you grew up? There has to be an explanation for this. Edited August 16, 2015 by Itspointless 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 Well, yes- my dad will always "give in" to my mom- but he's such a kind man and the best, most dependable, most loving guy I know. Would never dream of picking up women behind my moms back like my ex. And my ex would never compromise ANything to make me happy. Even having a wreath on front door he didn't really like! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Well, yes- my dad will always "give in" to my mom- but he's such a kind man and the best, most dependable, most loving guy I know. Would never dream of picking up women behind my moms back like my ex. And my ex would never compromise ANything to make me happy. Even having a wreath on front door he didn't really like! Rams, are you in character like your father? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 Yes except I'm less of a good person than he is Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 What do I do to make this guy love me again please help Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 What do I do to make this guy love me again please help Ok. Try reading the past 14 pages of advice you've already been given. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Ok. Try reading the past 14 pages of advice you've already been given. And don't forget the other identical thread with identical questions with identical well thought out replies from LS members. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/506597-will-we-ever-get-engaged-14.html#post6414441 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 What do I do to make this guy love me again please help Chloroform. Lots of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Yes except I'm less of a good person than he is I do not really believe that you are less of a good person than him. I think both you and your father accept way to much by others. Perhaps you might want to try something like kickboxing or Karate. What do I do to make this guy love me again please help We cannot make people love us. I think if we could this website would not exist. To be honest I think it is a blessing he kicked you out, it gives you time to clear the fog in your head regarding him. I also hope you will work on yourself. I have the feeling that a therapist specialized in family dynamics or attachment-theory can point you in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Now he says he regrets the way he's done things, he isn't ready to get married right now, needs time alone and space "to process things, and then we'll talk." Gave me a big hug. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Now he says he regrets the way he's done things, he isn't ready to get married right now, needs time alone and space "to process things, and then we'll talk." Gave me a big hug. Can't say I am surprised: he lost the convenience-store where he did not have to pay a dime for all the goods. He probably misses his narcissistic supply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 You don't think it's possible that he needs space to "process everything" and then Will realize he misses me and stop needing to wait until forever to get married? Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 You don't think it's possible that he needs space to "process everything" and then Will realize he misses me and stop needing to wait until forever to get married? Rams, usually I am the last person to judge other people, but everything you have told us - including the remarks by others; family, sister, ex -does not make me sympathetic for him.The fact that he needs to process things sounds like a convenient lie to keep you on a string. So he expects you to put your life on hold for him. And when you finally marry him, you will have a husband who is critical of you when he doesn't ignore you, sounds tempting (not). Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Well, he claims he truly has intended for this to progress to marriage, he just has no idea when. And he said he didn't want to move in together after a year, it was only because. I pushed it (id wanted to move in together and no I'm not apologizing for that!). So he said he just needs a little space and time to process everything and then we can talk. I said "I will absolutely respect that" and moved all my stuff out. When I left I asked if I may have a hug. He gave me a long one Link to post Share on other sites
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