NotHarryorSally Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm not going to go in to details here, suffice to say I've been a horrible person for too long, cheating on my own wonderful husband and being the OW with the guy I cheated with. I fell so deeply in love with him, and well...it was always going to be impossible. I've tried a few time to break thing off, only to get the bite of withdrawal to take me back. This time is for good. It's been over a month, and we've spoken twice. Yesterday he promised me he wouldn't contact me again and he would block me from all contact (which he has). He will keep his promise. I had a complete melt down in my car yesterday, it was the accumulation of the last 18 months coming home to roost, the finality of it all. I had to pull over and I sobbed for half an hour unable to contain the pain my chest. Over the past month, I've known it was over and it doesn't get any better, just worse until I start to think I might get stuck like this. I want to do the right thing and start making amends in my life, start fixing things, but how do I get rid of this awful pain please help. Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm not going to go in to details here, suffice to say I've been a horrible person for too long, cheating on my own wonderful husband and being the OW with the guy I cheated with. I fell so deeply in love with him, and well...it was always going to be impossible. I've tried a few time to break thing off, only to get the bite of withdrawal to take me back. This time is for good. It's been over a month, and we've spoken twice. Yesterday he promised me he wouldn't contact me again and he would block me from all contact (which he has). He will keep his promise. I had a complete melt down in my car yesterday, it was the accumulation of the last 18 months coming home to roost, the finality of it all. I had to pull over and I sobbed for half an hour unable to contain the pain my chest. Over the past month, I've known it was over and it doesn't get any better, just worse until I start to think I might get stuck like this. I want to do the right thing and start making amends in my life, start fixing things, but how do I get rid of this awful pain please help. I don't know about stopping (yet) but easier. I am not the poster woman for emotional health by any means. But I can commiserate. I know that very physical manifestation of emotional pain when you truly discover the meaning of a heart breaking. Oh its awful. You'll be ok bit by bit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Like all pain, it does get easier, so long as you actually use the tools necessary to heal - no contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm sure it stops at some point. Or at least I hope it does. I'm almost at 3 months NC, but today is my worst day, emotionally. I think because like you, I'm realizing that there's no turning back. It's done, forever. Which of course, is a wonderful thing, but it's just hard to accept some days. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm sure it stops at some point. Or at least I hope it does. I'm almost at 3 months NC, but today is my worst day, emotionally. I think because like you, I'm realizing that there's no turning back. It's done, forever. Which of course, is a wonderful thing, but it's just hard to accept some days. Yes, it will be over at some point, however you may never forget. But you'll need the pain gone. Who knows how long... I made big progress after 3 month with a very emotional break up, and as time went on life got better and better. NC works great, as does keeping active with things, going out and having fun with friends, and eventually getting back in the dating pool. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 It does stop. The wound stops bleeding, but you are left with a scar. You'll never be who you were before this happened, but you'll be ok. For you to move forward you'll have to implement full NC, with no compromises or half measures. Do it as if your life depends on it, because in a way, it does. *No direct contact in either direction. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I wish I knew. 18th day here of NC, if I start to feel badly I remind myself he didn't choose me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I wish I knew. 18th day here of NC, if I start to feel badly I remind myself he didn't choose me. Also remind yourself that his choices don't say anything about your value as person. He doesn't have the right to determine your worth or worthiness. He's not qualified to do that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 It does stop, I promise you. BUT only if you do things to keep yourself moving forward. Something it took me way too long to learn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Yes, it will be over at some point, however you may never forget. But you'll need the pain gone. Who knows how long... I made big progress after 3 month with a very emotional break up, and as time went on life got better and better. NC works great, as does keeping active with things, going out and having fun with friends, and eventually getting back in the dating pool. I often wonder if I'll ever forget. I hope I do, but I doubt I will. Im married, so no dating pool for me. But I'm definitely giving my all to my marriage, like I should have been since day one. Xmm is a very toxic person, as are all ex affair partners. And I need to keep remembering that. I need the pain gone. I'm trying so hard. I'm happy to hear the 3 month mark was a good one for you. Hopefully it will be for me too! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 *I often wonder if I'll ever forget. I hope I do, but I doubt I will. Im married, so no dating pool for me. But I'm definitely giving my all to my marriage, like I should have been since day one. Xmm is a very toxic person, as are all ex affair partners. And I need to keep remembering that. I need the pain gone. I'm trying so hard. I'm happy to hear the 3 month mark was a good one for you. Hopefully it will be for me too! I don't think you'll forget, but I think you'll make peace with yourself, and realise that you deserve to be happy. I'm full of admiration for you for the way you are pouring yourself into your marriage. Only good can come of that. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I often wonder if I'll ever forget. I hope I do, but I doubt I will. Im married, so no dating pool for me. But I'm definitely giving my all to my marriage, like I should have been since day one. Xmm is a very toxic person, as are all ex affair partners. And I need to keep remembering that. I need the pain gone. I'm trying so hard. I'm happy to hear the 3 month mark was a good one for you. Hopefully it will be for me too! You won't forget. Like Satu said, it forever changes you. But the pain goes away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I wish I knew. 18th day here of NC, if I start to feel badly I remind myself he didn't choose me. Most importantly, remember he chose HIMSELF. It's not as much about his wife as you might think. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 it stops when you say it does- only then. you can start making amends by telling your husband about the affair. only then can you start to salvage your marriage. and before you come back say that "it will tear him apart," save it... it's been used by cheaters before to keep them from facing consequences of their actions. there is no excuse for not telling your SO the truth concerning his/her marriage. this is if you truly want to move on from this and try and recover your marriage and reconcile with your betrayed spouse. sometimes the right thing to do is not the most popular thing to do. as an adult you need to own up to your decisions and face the consequences of those decision, not hide behind more lies. only then can you truly move on. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 (edited) NC works. It is the only thing that heals from these messed up situations. It is the only way to free yourself from the mental prison that is being the OM/OW. Think of NC as serving a prison sentence. You made a mistake, a bad choice. Now there are consequences. Once you do your time you'll be free to go, back into the real world. But it will hurt very much while you're in there. NC and never look back. That is the only way to free yourself from the affair prison. If you break NC, your prison sentence starts all over again and may even take longer. Don't break NC, your future self will thank you for it. Edited July 22, 2015 by FusionCutter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MyNameIsNotSusan Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm going through something similar. I think you feel pain more intense because you are still in a dysfunctional marriage. THAT is where you are stuck. Either fix the marriage put 100% in or get out. If you get out, at least you are being honest with yourself and you can move on and have no problems foregetting Mr. Unavailable. You really can do this! You are only clinging to married man because he was your island in the storm. Settle the storm in the marriage and your life and you will soon find the need for the island goes away. Good luck! P.S. I don't think it is wise to tell your husband, that is just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
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