I feel guilty for " abandoning " work colleague

[Dear Lady Disdain]

I will try to condense this in a nutshell, for the last year I have worked with a critical and controlling work colleague in a team of women and unfortunately tolerated mean, nasty behaviour from the start as my self esteem was incredibly low when I met him. From the beginning he played me off against another female in the team, always comparing me to her and even calling me by her name all the time for weeks which I now think was deliberate

He would invite me out for lunch but the spend most of it looking at his phone, he would sulk if I was unable to go for lunch or do what he wanted, he criticised me for talking too loudly, even the way I crossed the road, the things I said, he exchanged looks with the female above when I said things and it became worse when I saw him out of office hours

He started to say how beautiful, wonderful and lovely all the women were in the team and my housemate and his female friends, every woman around us but me, eventually I got upset about it as it made me feel unattractive and he laughed and said well I wouldn't care if you did it but you've got a crush on me haven't you!

He would talk about " our relationship " and be caring and kind one minute then do something nasty or act surly the next

Anyway what hurt me was that in his last week he decided to move his desk to sit next to a female manager who doesn't like me and set me up in my supervision. One minute he said he was angry with her because of what she had done to me, the next he had moved his desk next to her and was being very pally with her. Because he was job hunting and his contract was ending I tried not to let him know I was upset

Anyway a few days before we had a confrontation as I saw him exchanging a look with her as if to say I was stupid, he apologised and offered very kindly to help me with boxes as I was moving house

So I was asking another female in the team to bring round a case she borrowed and he butted in and said could she pick up the boxes for him too, and then says for her errand would age like to go to the spa with him

It just upset me I guess because he went with me and when we went he was nasty and he turned helping me out into an excuse to take get out

Anyhow I got upset also because I cared about him so much I did numerous things, covered up a mistake, helped him get a flat, recommended him to my agents, listened to his problems and he treated everyone in the team so much better than me

Anyhow after one year of him playing this female off against me and now going off with her and him implying I was thick all the time I suddenly blew up at him. He told me one of my agents got him a job interview and I could barely speak I was so angry, I then said to him that he did things to get at me all the time on purpose and he said " do you know how ridiculous you sound! " ( maybe I did )

Anyway then I said do what you want! And just ran off from him, I lost it a bit. The next day we didn't speak to each other or look at each other

The next week was his last week as contract ends on Friday. I phoned in on Monday and asked for the week off and got it

I could not bear to come in and see and hear him sitting with the manager who hates me, chatting her up, she was gloating about it too and whenever I got on with him or had lunch she would slam things around jealously though she was married. It hurt me that he moved his desk like that and it was so painful I wanted nothing to do with him then, especially as she had previously made us move apart from each other and he said he was angry about it

Anyway I am feeling better with no contact but feel guilty for calling in to take the week off, he told me he hated being abandoned and told me tragic stories about his narcissistic mum and wrote a note once that I could see saying " I want to kill myself ", my friends are glad I've cut off contact, I wish I didn't feel guilty but he's bipolar too

Sorry this is so long and hope I don't sound a mad basketcase, I am a bit obsessive anyway and for him to be constantly treating me worse than the other ladies in the team triggered that craziness

No contact for four days on either side, we would go for lunch a lot while I worked there and he would always ask what I was up to and hint at things but it didn't even really seem as if he liked me much!

Please help, thanks, does it sound like I was right to cut the contact off? I am worried I will negatively affect his job search or I have really hurt him, though I guess he hurt me Xxx I just couldn't face another week in there

Edited July 21, 2015 by Dear Lady Disdain

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Just as an update, I feel better about my decision today as I am protecting myself, I guess I am posting here looking for validation that I wasn't crazy for feeling so hurt and that his behaviours were quite horrible, in that he treated everyone else on the office like a saint but me and I told him I felt that way, guess I felt very humiliated so I'm glad I've taken this step now and so are my friends, thanks for reading Xx

He also told me how " sorry " he felt for the other females in the team but didn't want to know if I had a problem. He would ignore me or criticise me when we went to lunch after he had invited me, then sulk or get at me when I made an excuse the next time he asked because of how he had treated me...

Edited July 22, 2015 by Dear Lady Disdain