is he really confused or is he just trying to get over me and move on with his life?

[too_risky]

I've been seeing this guy for 3 years. We started out as friends, became best friends and it grew into love. He was so wonderful, treated me like a queen and loved me like no man has ever loved me before. We live in different states but we were totally faithful to eachother. The last 13 months have been hard, I shut him out but he stuck with me. He didn't know why but I backed away from him. About 2 months ago I told him I loved him enough to give him his freedom, he didn't understand why and I didn't tell him. I lasted about 13 days with NC before I couldn't take it anymore and called him. He said he'd never give up on us, we were meant to be, what we had was special and told eachother how much we loved eachother. About a week ago I noticed that he seemed indifferent towards me. I suspected someone else in his life so after a heated conversation, he finally told me that he had met someone that showed interest in him and that after I "gave him his freedom" that he had gone crazy. He told me how devestated he had been and how much he had cried and hurt over me. He told me to respect him now and not to call him anymore. I figured, well, if this is the end of us then I should come clean as to why I shut him out for the last year, he deserved to know the truth. I sent him an email telling him how I had ovarian cancer and that the chemo had taken some of my hair and that I was scared and ashamed and hadn't wanted to see him until I could get back to how I looked before so that he would never know what I had went thru. We talked online in IM that same night and he told me that he was hurt that I hadn't been honest, which I understood. But I explained why I did what I did and he seemed to understand even tho maybe it wasn't the best choice I could have made. Anyway, he said he was confused and was doubting the decision he had made but that he needed time to figure it all out in his mind. He asked me to give him space so I have. It's been 9 days with NC, nothing. I'm torn apart because I love him so very much and worst of all he was my best friend. I could probably handle him not loving me anymore (even tho he said he would always always love me) but I can't handle losing him as my friend. I told him in the IM that I felt like he was saying "I don't want you right now, I want to pursue this other relationship but I'd like to keep you on the back burner in case it doesnt work out" and he said that wasn't true at all, he hardly knew the girl. He said he only wanted time because what I had told him about the cancer and why I had been distant explained alot to him about the last year and he just needed time to absorb it all. I know NC is the best way to go but I feel like a sitting duck just waiting here. What should I do? Is he just being polite telling me in his own way that he wants this other person? This man worshipped the ground I walked on and was truely devestated when I broke it off. Is he even thinking about me? Will he come back? Please, I need advice on this one. I'm going crazy thinking the longer he's away from me, the closer he's getting to this girl. What should I do now? Help...help...help....

[HoldOn]

Now I'm confused.

 

Did you break up with him because of cancer?

 

Why did you break up with him if you love him?

 

And did you expect him to stick around and wait for you after you broke up with him?

 

Just need some clarification...

[cvann]

in my heart of hearts.. I do NOT believe that he is getting closer to this girl.. I feel like he's confused and feels betrayed b/c you didn't tell him about this.. and is trying to sort his emotions out as to what to do in the situation.. umm.. I would call him... you won't know until you call.. and go from there. follow your heart.. good luck.

[too_risky]

To answer your questions holdon...I broke up with him because I felt like he deserved someone that could be in his life more than I could. I was confused myself about my future. I felt that I was keeping him from something because he was so faithful to me and I wasn't being fair...and because I was hiding such a painful secret from him. It was stupid I know. God I love this man so much. I just want him back and I'm not sure what to do now. I made such a big mistake. When I did call him after the break up, he told me it wasn't what he wanted, that he wanted a life with me and that no matter what it took that we were worth it and he'd never give up on us. I guess that's why I'm so hurt now, my breakup must have come at the wrong time cause he wanted to work it out with me it seems until he had a replacement. Now that he's seeing someone else I feel like he's moved on.

[too_risky]

Cvann, in our last conversation in IM on here he told me he would contact me in time. He said he needed time to sort all of this out in his heart and in his head. I felt like he was just saying "wait for me while I see if this new relationship works or not" and I told him so. That was 9 days ago. 3 days ago I was at my worst and couldn't take it anymore so at 12:30 am I called and left a message for him saying "i know you told me not to contact you and I'm sorry but I just can't do this, please call me back". He never did . Where do I go from here? I know I should probably give him the space he needs...if you love something set it free...etc...but I'm afraid all that will do is make him closer to this new girl he's met. He also said it hurts too much to hear my voice right now. Is he just trying to get over me? We live in different states so it's so hard. I feel so lost and alone. I want him back and I know he still loves me. What do I do now?

[cvann]

man.. I've been there.. from all my posts.. Lord knows I've been there.. well.. what I MADE myself do was not call him.. and move forward..umm..he did start calling me.. and still isn't over the breakup..that he in the end initiated.. I don't know sweetie..love sucks.. if he doesn't want you to call him..respect that. I don't think he's falling for this girl.. I just don't.. not this fast..he may be managing his pain in another fashion..and trying to get over missing you.. men are soo weird.. but like I said.. I do think he's not into this chick..and I will pray for you.

[too_risky]

cvann, thank you so much for your advice and prayers. I was such a stupid fool! I had the best thing in the world. He is my everything. I just felt so guilty at the time thinking I was keeping him from someone or something that could be better than what I could give him. I just don't understand it all tho. We were tight for 3 years. We built this thing slowly. I know I broke his heart and devestated him by what I did but after I explained it all to him I thought he would understand. If he loves me so much and we're worth fighting for, why wouldn't he want to talk it out? Why would he need space? Space only drives people apart doesn't it? Maybe it's just his pride too. Maybe he wants me to hurt like I hurt him for awhile. It's all so confusing. I'm just one of those people, if there is a problem, talk it out. I want to get him back. I don't know how tho and I know I can't make him feel something he doesn't feel. There's no way he could feel about this girl what he felt for me. That's why in my mind I keep thinking, if he loves me so much, why would he risk losing me totally by not talking to me?

[cvann]

you answered all your own questions..with questions..give it some more time.. and focus on YOUUU..and staying healthy..and moving towards something.. for me.. I am losing weight and joining the military..that has been a long goal for me.. despite the heartache..and messed up relationships.. I HAVE to focus on this goal to better myself..love is not always fun.. and I know the time invested doesn't help.. but sometimes you HAVE to concentrate on loving you..and all the rest will come.. this issue will be answered and resolved in due time.. instead of questioning him.. question yourself..and try to figure out ways to pass the time by bettering you!

[HoldOn]

Yeah, but what was that you said about cancer? I still don't understand why you broke up with him...

 

I also think you should not call him. You already tried to call him once and if he wanted to talk to you, he would. It's too early to tell or not whether he has moved on or not, I'm so sorry.

 

But you can't just go breaking up with people and then expecting them to wait around for you, you know.

 

And, I'm sure that breaking up with him really really hurt him and now he needs space to get over it.

 

Yes, space can bring you closer together... haven't you ever heard of "absence makes the heart grow fonder." ! He might be in his "cave" like John Grey talks about in men are from mars, women are from venus.

 

Anyway, he knows you're waiting, the only thing you can do is keep waiting.

[too_risky]

Holdon, I didn't break up with him because of the cancer. I put off seeing him and backed off from him over the last year while I was going thru the surgery, chemo etc because I didn't want him to know about it. We live in different states and I didn't want to disrupt his life and all he has going on by worrying him with my situation. One night I called him and he just sounded so lonely and sad that it tore my heart out. The best way I can explain it is this: I have kids. I would die for them, kill for them, walk thru fire for them. I love them more than life. My heart tells me to protect them, keep them near and never let them go. When it's time for them to spread their wings and move on in their lives with college, marriage etc, my heart tells me not to let them go but I also want whats best for them. I want them to be happy and find happiness. I can't hold onto them forever and I can't keep them from what they truely deserve. I love this man with all I have. He is my universe. At the time when I broke up with him, it was because I felt like I was keeping him from finding what he deserved. He was totally faithful to me even tho we lived so far apart. He would never have moved on with his life if I hadn't let him go, set him free. I didnt know where my life was going. I didn't know where my health was going. I was trying to get into nursing school at the time and had been turned down. I didn't know what my future held and it wasn't fair in my eyes to keep him waiting so I gave him freedom which as I explained to him was the greated gift and act of love I could give to him. This was approximately 2 months ago. He responded and told me that it wasn't what he wanted. That we were worth it and he wanted to work it out and be with me. We didn't talk for 13 days. I needed time to figure things out and I felt like he needed time to see if that decision was what he truely wanted. I called him on the 13th day and we cried our eyes out and told eachother how much we missed eachother and decided that we didn't want to be apart. I had in the meantime found out that I got accepted into nursing school so I felt like my future wasn't so uncertain. Everything seemed fine until 11 days ago. I called him as usual and could tell something was different. After a heated conversation he finally admitted that he had met someone that showed interest in him which totally floored me! He basically told me never to contact him again. That's when I figured, well, it's over but at least I want him to know that he was loved and that I had a valid reason why I had backed away from him for the past year. That's when I told him about the cancer etc. I wrote it in an email. That night he talked to me in IM and told me that he was very confused now about the decision he had made and needed time and space. He said he would contact me in time with an email but not by phone because it hurt too much to hear my voice. I asked him if he was going to say something in his email that would hurt me and if so, not to write it. Just let me be but he said he wasn't going to say anything to hurt me. He needed time to absorb everything I had told him. So that's where I stand now. That was 10 days ago. What now? From a guys point of view, what should I expect? Is he just saying that to let me down gently and to keep the door open in case the thing with the girl doesn't work out?

[too_risky]

CVANN: I'm so proud of you for the weight loss and bettering yourself!! That is so awesome! I am trying to focus on me. I start nursing school on May 17th and I know I'll be really busy then. It's just right now that's hard. I have time on my hands and nothing to do with it. I've been trying to do stuff to keep my mind occupied but every single day I think of some reason why to call him. I know that's normal and I know I can't give in to that but it's such a challenge. If I had some sort of hobby it would help but I don't know how to do anything constructive. I'm leaving to go away for a small vacation next week but it can't get here soon enough. I know the time away with my family and friends will help me put a new perspective on things. I just wish I could know that what I'm doing is the right thing. I'm so afraid that it's only giving him more time to get closer to someone else and farther away from me. I guess that's the chance we all take. I know pursuing him wouldn't help either. It would only push him away. Did I blow the NC thing by contacting him this past sunday night? I haven't done it since and that was the only time in 9 days. I'm sooooo confused!!!!