It's been a year and a half and I still miss him - why can't I get over it?

[ladybug1984]

If anyone wants to see my very early posts (I think one was titled "red flag", that will give a little background on my situation. After a year and a half, with both of us in other R's, I still can't move on from him even with all of his behavior. We have texted a handful of times in the last 18 months, but usually just a 'hello' on holidays and things like that. I happened to see him out last week - first time in a year and a half - and all of those feelings of sadness and missing him came back. I am remembering all of the 'prince charming' and none of the bad stuff. WHY can't I get past this??? I am in my 40's and had plenty of other R's through the years, and am in a good one now...........so why can't I get over him? Is it because he was my first love??? Am I just destined to NEVER be 'over' him because he was my first??? Honestly, to an outside person, this would sound just insane after what he put me through.........which is why I am asking WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

 

PS - Hopeful714, I hope you are reading this. I went back and read your initial post as well as some others, and our stories sound sooooo similar.

[bathtub-row]

These relationships and our reactions to them are very, very complex and difficult to understand. I went through that with my ex. I separated from him but knew the addiction to him would take more time to get past.

 

I don't know what the addiction is -- the drama, a form of hysterical attachment - who knows? I personally think it has to do with how our minds work in situations where we are threatened and in hostile situations. We tend to latch on to the offender because it seems to be a survival mechanism. It's like a tragic bonding. It may help us survive in the immediate timeframe, but it's very difficult to for us to re-wire our thinking. However, just knowing that may help you understand that you will eventually get past it and that your emotional response toward him is something that's working against you.

 

Whatever it is, once you get past it, you will look back and wonder what on earth you were ever thinking. I used to be so bonded to my ex and now I couldn't care less about him one way or another. I have no feelings about him. If someone told me he died, I wouldn't care. I now look at him as a lousy person who treated me extremely badly. People like that have no place in my life. End of story. Once you start looking at him with different eyes, your feelings toward him can change. The truth is, no matter what act he puts on, no matter how nice and warm you think he is deep inside, he's a monster and he's happy being that way. This is the part you can't comprehend and because it baffles you, you don't see the situation as it is. Everything that comes out of his mouth is designed to manipulate you, and so is every action. This person isn't anything more than a manipulator, and what you feel for him is not based on truth. It's based on who you think he is, instead of who he really is. Once you stop idealizing who he is, what the two of you had, etc, the faster you'll move on. I hope this helps.

[siochana]

These relationships and our reactions to them are very, very complex and difficult to understand. I went through that with my ex. I separated from him but knew the addiction to him would take more time to get past.

 

I don't know what the addiction is -- the drama, a form of hysterical attachment - who knows? I personally think it has to do with how our minds work in situations where we are threatened and in hostile situations. We tend to latch on to the offender because it seems to be a survival mechanism. It's like a tragic bonding. It may help us survive in the immediate timeframe, but it's very difficult to for us to re-wire our thinking. However, just knowing that may help you understand that you will eventually get past it and that your emotional response toward him is something that's working against you.

 

Whatever it is, once you get past it, you will look back and wonder what on earth you were ever thinking. I used to be so bonded to my ex and now I couldn't care less about him one way or another. I have no feelings about him. If someone told me he died, I wouldn't care. I now look at him as a lousy person who treated me extremely badly. People like that have no place in my life. End of story. Once you start looking at him with different eyes, your feelings toward him can change. The truth is, no matter what act he puts on, no matter how nice and warm you think he is deep inside, he's a monster and he's happy being that way. This is the part you can't comprehend and because it baffles you, you don't see the situation as it is. Everything that comes out of his mouth is designed to manipulate you, and so is every action. This person isn't anything more than a manipulator, and what you feel for him is not based on truth. It's based on who you think he is, instead of who he really is. Once you stop idealizing who he is, what the two of you had, etc, the faster you'll move on. I hope this helps.

 

You are absolutely right, of course. If only you could get a pill for it.

 

OP, I'm in the same boat. This week is particularly bad and but I have had much better ones. And I'm two years out so longer than you and still fcked up by it.

 

I'm not in another relationship and haven't been since. That, I think really doesn't help. My ex was beautiful and smart. She was easily the most beautiful and smart girl I have ever dated and I havent met anyone since to whom I have been as attracted. That is true.

 

What is also true is that she did horribly abusive things to me and never once apologized. I felt the need to discuss it with my mother (again) the other night. She said to me, why do you even care about this woman when you came home one night to find that she had thrown everything you own of the balcony of the apartment you shared?

 

I don't know, I said. But if if I was to guess, its that I feel she got the better of me, took me to the cleaners, has moved on with her life without a care in the world for the suffering I have endured ( and that, really, really devastates me with impotent rage)

 

But hey, hopefully, the cloud will lift soon. Two years is enough to suffer. And you cant just change your mindset ( or at least I don't know how). Its just going to have to be the work of father time.

 

God help me.

[bathtub-row]

As unrealistic and unlikely as it sounds, a person actually can change their mind-set very quickly. And that includes their emotions. It's a matter of opening our eyes. It's like a veil being lifted and you can never see the world the same way again.

 

Once you stop seeing this person through rose-colored glasses, when you understand fully that he/she abuses because they enjoy it, because it makes them feel powerful, you might see them and the relationship differently. The problem is, most people stay entrenched in the lies, and waste years of their life thinking about some heartless human being who treated them with cruelty and indifference.

 

It is a choice, believe it or not.

[Satu]

It takes as long as it takes.

 

I spent a year and a half sobbing my guts out, feeling utterly devastated every day.

 

But I am now happier than I ever thought possible, loving life and living my dream.

 

You'll be ok.

[siochana]

As unrealistic and unlikely as it sounds, a person actually can change their mind-set very quickly. And that includes their emotions. It's a matter of opening our eyes. It's like a veil being lifted and you can never see the world the same way again.

 

Once you stop seeing this person through rose-colored glasses, when you understand fully that he/she abuses because they enjoy it, because it makes them feel powerful, you might see them and the relationship differently. The problem is, most people stay entrenched in the lies, and waste years of their life thinking about some heartless human being who treated them with cruelty and indifference.

 

It is a choice, believe it or not.

 

 

Actually, I think that the girl who abused me has absolutely no idea she abused me and is/was an abuser. None whatsoever.

 

 

The point may be moot to the one you are making but just saying. The source of my anger, I think is that I let her get away with it and she did get away with it.

[bathtub-row]

Actually, I think that the girl who abused me has absolutely no idea she abused me and is/was an abuser. None whatsoever.

 

 

The point may be moot to the one you are making but just saying. The source of my anger, I think is that I let her get away with it and she did get away with it.

 

I'm not sure if it's relevant that she labeled her behavior as abusive or not. It was abusive to you, and probably to most people living in the sane world. How she defines reality in her twisted head isn't important. You're giving her far too much credit and far too much importance.

 

I can totally understand the need for closure when we've allowed someone to walk all over us or to cross serious boundaries. If you think about it, though, all the rhetoric going on inside your head is basically about competition. In your mind, she won, you lost. She one-upped you, she's smart, you're not. When really, she's the total loser. When you take her off her pedestal and start seeing her for the low-life she is, things will change for you.

 

I often recommend a book to people in these situations because it had such a huge impact on how I saw my ex. The book is written by a phychologist who handled literally thousands of abusers due to his career. He began to see a pattern. I totally recommend that you read this book. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of abusive men, by Lundy Bancroft. Even though it's mostly about men, it applies to males and females equally.

 

I hope this helps. You've got better things to do with your life than give so much time and energy to such a lousy human being.

Edited August 6, 2015 by bathtub-row

[bathtub-row]

Another thing I would like to share with you is how I learned to get past my abusive relationship. When all the legal stuff was done and I no longer had any need to converse with him again, I basically crawled into a hole and let myself heal.

 

Now, what I mean by that is that I escaped from everything that I could escape from without adversely affecting my life. For instance, I continued to go to work, I continued to take care of my child, and I continued to pay my bills. Beyond that, I disappeared. I wouldn't let anything or anyone upset me. I didn't do anything I didn't want to do. I treated myself like a wounded soldier who needed extreme care. I even rarely talked to friends. I rarely socialized and -- this is the key -- any time any thought of my ex would pop into my head, I would replace that thought with something else. Anything else that didn't pertain to him.

 

I did this for about 6 mos and, believe it or not, I came out a different person after all that. Nowadays it makes no difference if I hear about him or think about him briefly. He's basically a bug on the ground and gets very little of my attention. I don't know if something like this would work for you but it definitely worked for me.

[siochana]

I'm not sure if it's relevant that she labeled her behavior as abusive or not. It was abusive to you, and probably to most people living in the sane world. How she defines reality in her twisted head isn't important. You're giving her far too much credit and far too much importance.

 

I can totally understand the need for closure when we've allowed someone to walk all over us or to cross serious boundaries. If you think about it, though, all the rhetoric going on inside your head is basically about competition. In your mind, she won, you lost. She one-upped you, she's smart, you're not. When really, she's the total loser. When you take her off her pedestal and start seeing her for the low-life she is, things will change for you.

 

I often recommend a book to people in these situations because it had such a huge impact on how I saw my ex. The book is written by a phychologist who handled literally thousands of abusers due to his career. He began to see a pattern. I totally recommend that you read this book. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of abusive men, by Lundy Bancroft. Even though it's mostly about men, it applies to males and females equally.

 

I hope this helps. You've got better things to do with your life than give so much time and energy to such a lousy human being.

 

 

Thank you for that very interesting and conscientious post.

 

 

I will get the book. I confess that one of the things that I will look for in the book is that pattern ( that I was with a bone fide abuser). In my darker moments, sometimes, I think it was mutually abusive. In others, that losing my temper with her on some occasions was a totally understandable reaction to what I was being subjected to. And I never crossed the lines she did. Never.

 

 

Ill keep going with the process. People have told me I should pity the new guy but Id ( and I know I shouldn't, I know this) love to know how they are going and if he is being subjected to the same ****.

 

 

Thanks again.

[ladybug1984]

Thank you, friends, for your comments...............perhaps I will soon be able to see it for what it is and take off the rose-colored glasses. I sure wasn't at that point when I saw him in public a year and a half later. I know for sure it was an unhealthy relationship - and truly an addiction. Maybe seeing him even 20 years from now will set me back if it truly was an addiction, I don't know. I am going to process some of the things you all have shared and figure out my next steps. I did nothing wrong, so why should I be the one to have to carry the burden of all of this the rest of my life? HE should be the one that can't forget because of all of his abusive behavior. I *will* get past this!

 

Lady

[bathtub-row]

Thank you, friends, for your comments...............perhaps I will soon be able to see it for what it is and take off the rose-colored glasses. I sure wasn't at that point when I saw him in public a year and a half later. I know for sure it was an unhealthy relationship - and truly an addiction. Maybe seeing him even 20 years from now will set me back if it truly was an addiction, I don't know. I am going to process some of the things you all have shared and figure out my next steps. I did nothing wrong, so why should I be the one to have to carry the burden of all of this the rest of my life? HE should be the one that can't forget because of all of his abusive behavior. I *will* get past this!

 

Lady

 

You can't see it but by keeping this attachment to him, you're still letting him control you. Find your strength, remember who you really are, and learn to love life again.

[ladybug1984]

Thanks, Bathtub............I didn't think about it that way, but you are exactly right! I have been reading A LOT of books - some recommended here. And think I am finally 'getting' it. It's been a long road but I am getting there. I don't want that control ANYMORE, EVER - and if that's what this is, then rest assured I'm letting it go!

[Hopeful714]

Hello...I just happened to see your post. I also think you got some wonderful advice from the other posters.

 

I guess I'm curious and would like more info on this encounter you had with your ex. Did you speak to him when you saw him? Was he with another girl? Was he seeking attention? Pity? What exactly did you feel? Hurt? Like you wanted him back? Pity?

 

It seems like you keep in touch now and then. You know he is in a relationship. This must stop. Who initiates...him? If you do any social networking, you can't look at his pages, or be friends there in any way.

 

Basically you need to get to a point where there is absolutely no contact at all in order for you to fully and truly heal. You need to completely let it go.

 

It's going on 3 years for me since the breakup. I'm doing well...but it took sooooo long. I have had no contact with him for over 2 yrs now. For a while I would peek on his Facebook page every several months but I've stopped that and it seemed to have helped me finally close that door. I have no idea what he is up to. Sure I still think of him and he pops in my mind a lot, but all I think of now is how much I dislike him...as a person. I rarely miss him. If anything, i am embarrassed I could have been so vulnerable to have dated someone like that (and put up with his crap) but I guess I just didn't know that such messed up people existed. Now I do. I know in my heart he was/is an evil manipulative person. heck, he even told me he was. Why didn't I listen and run?!

 

So, give it more time. But cut the final cords that connect you. There's actually articles on doing this to stop toxic people from draining your energy....which is what he is doing to you subliminally or not. It IS a trauma bond from something that shook you to your core. PTSD possibly.

 

And as the other posters mentioned don't put him on a pedestal and get lost in what you think were the good times because it was all fake. If you need a reminder, jot down on paper the things he did and said to you and re-read it often. Seriously, do this. Read the books suggested. I read them ALL! It helped me to better understand what I dealt with and how to move forward.

 

Lastly, tell yourself that you will and have survived this ...and you won't be a victim. Especially his victim. Then be thankful for your new boyfriend and enjoy a relationship with someone who is hopefully healthy and treats you right!

 

Be well!

[Downtown]

Why can't I get over him?

Ladybug, we discussed this back in Dec 2013. As I tried to explain then, my view is that you are an excessive caregiver like me. If so, this means your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the person you already are). One result is that -- like me -- you go out looking for wounded birds who sorely need you. Another result is that, when you meet a BPDer (i.e., person having strong BPD traits), the caregiver/BPDer combo creates a perfect storm for developing a toxic relationship.

 

If your Ex is a BPDer -- as you suspected in your 1/15/14 post -- he likely has the emotional development of a four year old. Significantly, we caregivers are very empathetic and therefore are able to easily see the childlike characteristics of a BPDer personality. It therefore is EXTREMELY difficult for us to walk away from such a toxic relationship. The thought of doing so is anathema to our way of thinking because it goes against every fiber of our being to walk away from a sick loved one -- particularly when we perceive that person to be childlike. To us, it is as painful as walking away from a young child.

 

Granted, the man you broke up with threw temper tantrums and was verbally abusive. But SO DO YOUNG CHILDREN. Hence, walking away from such an adult feels very very wrong. It feels like you're walking away from a young child. It therefore can take a long time to heal from this experience. In my case, I waited two years before I felt like dating again -- and even that delay proved to be too short for me.

[ladybug1984]

Hello...I just happened to see your post. I also think you got some wonderful advice from the other posters.

 

I guess I'm curious and would like more info on this encounter you had with your ex. Did you speak to him when you saw him? Was he with another girl? Was he seeking attention? Pity? What exactly did you feel? Hurt? Like you wanted him back? Pity?

 

It seems like you keep in touch now and then. You know he is in a relationship. This must stop. Who initiates...him? If you do any social networking, you can't look at his pages, or be friends there in any way.

 

Basically you need to get to a point where there is absolutely no contact at all in order for you to fully and truly heal. You need to completely let it go.

 

It's going on 3 years for me since the breakup. I'm doing well...but it took sooooo long. I have had no contact with him for over 2 yrs now. For a while I would peek on his Facebook page every several months but I've stopped that and it seemed to have helped me finally close that door. I have no idea what he is up to. Sure I still think of him and he pops in my mind a lot, but all I think of now is how much I dislike him...as a person. I rarely miss him. If anything, i am embarrassed I could have been so vulnerable to have dated someone like that (and put up with his crap) but I guess I just didn't know that such messed up people existed. Now I do. I know in my heart he was/is an evil manipulative person. heck, he even told me he was. Why didn't I listen and run?!

 

So, give it more time. But cut the final cords that connect you. There's actually articles on doing this to stop toxic people from draining your energy....which is what he is doing to you subliminally or not. It IS a trauma bond from something that shook you to your core. PTSD possibly.

 

And as the other posters mentioned don't put him on a pedestal and get lost in what you think were the good times because it was all fake. If you need a reminder, jot down on paper the things he did and said to you and re-read it often. Seriously, do this. Read the books suggested. I read them ALL! It helped me to better understand what I dealt with and how to move forward.

 

Lastly, tell yourself that you will and have survived this ...and you won't be a victim. Especially his victim. Then be thankful for your new boyfriend and enjoy a relationship with someone who is hopefully healthy and treats you right!

 

Be well!

 

 

HIIII, Hopeful. I was so hopeful (sorry, no pun intended) that you would see this eventually. I had read through tons of posts on LS and really could relate to yours in particular. Thanks for responding!

 

To answer your question, yes he was with someone else. Evidently another former relationship he had been with for about 10 years. Looks like they got back together. I didn't speak, we just made eye contact and kind of acknowledged each other. He later e-mailed and said he was sorry if that was an awkward situation and told me he hoped I was doing well, and that he was "just getting by, life isn't really that great.". That was ALL that was said. I never initiate contact. But yes, I do cyber-stalk from time to time ((( I guess I was just surprised that I got that 'butterfly' feeling when I saw him (WHY on God's green earth would I feel ANYTHING positive after all he put me through?!?!?).

 

I think I am going to try writing down all of the 'bads'.........and there were plenty of them. But I definitely don't tend to dwell on those, only the happier times. Which might be my problem. Thanks for your ideas...........definitely something I will try since nothing else works ((

 

 

Lady

[ladybug1984]

Ladybug, we discussed this back in Dec 2013. As I tried to explain then, my view is that you are an excessive caregiver like me. If so, this means your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the person you already are). One result is that -- like me -- you go out looking for wounded birds who sorely need you. Another result is that, when you meet a BPDer (i.e., person having strong BPD traits), the caregiver/BPDer combo creates a perfect storm for developing a toxic relationship.

 

If your Ex is a BPDer -- as you suspected in your 1/15/14 post -- he likely has the emotional development of a four year old. Significantly, we caregivers are very empathetic and therefore are able to easily see the childlike characteristics of a BPDer personality. It therefore is EXTREMELY difficult for us to walk away from such a toxic relationship. The thought of doing so is anathema to our way of thinking because it goes against every fiber of our being to walk away from a sick loved one -- particularly when we perceive that person to be childlike. To us, it is as painful as walking away from a young child.

 

Granted, the man you broke up with threw temper tantrums and was verbally abusive. But SO DO YOUNG CHILDREN. Hence, walking away from such an adult feels very very wrong. It feels like you're walking away from a young child. It therefore can take a long time to heal from this experience. In my case, I waited two years before I felt like dating again -- and even that delay proved to be too short for me.

 

 

 

Yes, Downtown, that all makes perfect sense......and I do think it is highly likely he was/is a BPD'er. Need to feel needed is definitely higher than need to feel loved - WHAT AN INSIGHT FOR ME! And to equate WHY it is so difficult to walk away (equating with a crying child) makes sooo much sense. The certainly is no rationale reason why one wouldn't walk away, you know? Sadly, I think I had gravitated towards one with similar issues after him, though I at least knew what is going on and can not get as 'vested'. Waiting probably would be the smartest thing to do , I know.

[Hopeful714]

Just give it more time. Quit Facebook stalking, and really and I mean REALLY make list and read it often. If /when he texts....just don't answer, or if you feel like you have to say something, say you just don't want to communicate anymore. If you think about it ...why stay in contact? It's over. Personally, I think he knows it keeps you tied to him. My ex tried it with me with the "occasional" meaningless text but I just quit responding. It only kept me "kept". And i hated it.

 

And talk about keeping ties? Interesting how this guy went back to the past yet AGAIN to rustle up another girlfriend who most likely endured and continues to endure more of the same crap you did. See the pattern? She was still hooked too obviously...or never fixed her own issues... that cause her to go back with him again. And why would he even think you felt awkward. That's kinda presumptuous no? Does anyone else see this? What if you didn't!

 

The remark about "how things aren't great" and ....just getting by? I think that's a negative thing to say. Especially towards the new (former) girlfriend. I wouldn't want a guy I was dating to sound like that. And, I think he was trolling for sympathy. Yea, our stories and ex's are similar alright. This actually just reminded me of my ex once saying "don't think I'm just gonna meet someone and be happy". It's a shame these guys depend on a girl to take their abuse and misery instead of getting into therapy and trying to be mentally healthy.

 

So, now that I've picked this apart....lol....Who knows maybe he was just trying to be nice. But in my book a manipulator is a manipulator. And this sorta smells like one. He don't wanna appear as "the bad guy". Anyone agree?

 

Lastly, soon I'm gonna change this screen name! I hate it. It takes me back to the pathetic broken person I was when I came here. I'm not that person anymore. I can't even read my old posts because it makes me sick to my stomach to see how messed up I let myself get from a disturbed person. I need loveshack rebirth!

 

Be glad it's over ladybugs. Now just shut the door forever.

[bathtub-row]

He later e-mailed and said he was sorry if that was an awkward situation and told me he hoped I was doing well, and that he was "just getting by, life isn't really that great."

 

Because you don't realize how his mind works and how he craves and loves to have power and control over others, you fail to see how he's trying to keep you hooked by making comments like he made. He's playing you and keeping you in reserve in case his current relationship falls apart. And guess what? It seems to be working like a charm.

 

Abusers fully understand the way the mind works - they figured this out because it's necessary to controlling others. They are actually masters at it.

 

Do you ever wonder why some women are completely immune to abusive men? Do you ever wonder why abusers instinctively stay away from them? It's because they know they can't control them. They know their head games don't work on them. I have true distaste for my abusive ex and I will never, ever get involved with another person like him again. And if he ever contacted me with an email like that, I wouldn't remain silent. I'd tell him that I didn't give a damn about whether he was happy, sad, breathing or dead, and to never contact me again under any circumstances.

 

But maybe you didn't say that to him because you didn't want to completely run him off. Maybe you think there's hope for you and him someday and didn't want to do anything to break that bond with him.

 

You may think that these gut reactions you have to seeing him mean that there's some kind of special and magical connection, or that he's the love of your life, or some fairy tale nonsense like that but, the truth is, you're controlled by him because he knows how to manipulate your mind and because you've allow daydreams and fairy tales take precedence over your self-worth.

 

I honestly think that you don't want to acknowledge what a monster he is. You may believe that, deep down, he's a great guy and you can save him. The truth is, abuse trumps everything, and negates all good things. I really don't know your full story so I may be way off base here, but you would do yourself a huge favor by making a promise to yourself that you will never allow or invite a toxic person into your life again, that you won't hold on to warm fuzzy feelings for them. You do have control over your emotions, believe it or not. And it is never a good idea to let emotions control you. This doesn't mean walking around with hatred toward these people. It means being indifferent to them. And 'toxic' can mean many things so it doesn't just apply to abusers. Although they're at the top of the list.

 

I think that you're letting your life be held in suspense over this guy. I believe that one day you're going to wake up and wonder what on earth you ever saw in such a lousy human being. I just hope it's soon so that you can go back to having a life.

[ladybug1984]

Just give it more time. Quit Facebook stalking, and really and I mean REALLY make list and read it often. If /when he texts....just don't answer, or if you feel like you have to say something, say you just don't want to communicate anymore. If you think about it ...why stay in contact? It's over. Personally, I think he knows it keeps you tied to him. My ex tried it with me with the "occasional" meaningless text but I just quit responding. It only kept me "kept". And i hated it.

 

And talk about keeping ties? Interesting how this guy went back to the past yet AGAIN to rustle up another girlfriend who most likely endured and continues to endure more of the same crap you did. See the pattern? She was still hooked too obviously...or never fixed her own issues... that cause her to go back with him again. And why would he even think you felt awkward. That's kinda presumptuous no? Does anyone else see this? What if you didn't!

 

The remark about "how things aren't great" and ....just getting by? I think that's a negative thing to say. Especially towards the new (former) girlfriend. I wouldn't want a guy I was dating to sound like that. And, I think he was trolling for sympathy. Yea, our stories and ex's are similar alright. This actually just reminded me of my ex once saying "don't think I'm just gonna meet someone and be happy". It's a shame these guys depend on a girl to take their abuse and misery instead of getting into therapy and trying to be mentally healthy.

 

So, now that I've picked this apart....lol....Who knows maybe he was just trying to be nice. But in my book a manipulator is a manipulator. And this sorta smells like one. He don't wanna appear as "the bad guy". Anyone agree?

 

Lastly, soon I'm gonna change this screen name! I hate it. It takes me back to the pathetic broken person I was when I came here. I'm not that person anymore. I can't even read my old posts because it makes me sick to my stomach to see how messed up I let myself get from a disturbed person. I need loveshack rebirth!

 

Be glad it's over ladybugs. Now just shut the door forever.

 

 

First off, PLEASE message me if you change your screen name so I will know it is you! Honestly, I have yet to read any other story as similar to mine as yours is. I promise I won't stalk you! ))))

 

 

He does still message me on my bday and holidays, things like that, which makes me feel like he does care otherwise, why bother? I don't know how he wound up with someone from him past. Based on that, it seems like some of us continue to be drawn to those people no matter WHAT awful things they have done to us? WHY is that??????????? I really do want to know. I mean WHY? Any theories? I want to understand so I can MOVE ON ((

[ladybug1984]

 

You may think that these gut reactions you have to seeing him mean that there's some kind of special and magical connection, or that he's the love of your life, or some fairy tale nonsense like that but, the truth is, you're controlled by him because he knows how to manipulate your mind and because you've allow daydreams and fairy tales take precedence over your self-worth.

 

.

 

OUCH. YES. That's exactly how I feel. Maybe you are right, it's NOT because of that.............it's about control. Definitely food for thought. Had not thought about it that way. And YES, I have noticed that I tend to remember all of the good and brush the bad away...........'fairy-tale-izing' the whole thing (like that word, lol??). Wow. Hadn't thought about it like this. He always calls me by the pet name we had for each other, even to this day...........now I'm wondering if THAT isn't a control thing too? And WHY do I keep falling for it, feeling the way I do when I hear him call me that?

[ladybug1984]

 

I honestly think that you don't want to acknowledge what a monster he is. You may believe that, deep down, he's a great guy and you can save him. The truth is, abuse trumps everything, and negates all good things. This doesn't mean walking around with hatred toward these people. It means being indifferent to them. And 'toxic' can mean many things so it doesn't just apply to abusers. Although they're at the top of the list.

 

 

 

 

Wow. I think you are right again, Bathtub........I DO feel deep down he is a great guy, someone that just needs help. And not everybody will be the one to help him. For some reason I think that I am truly the only one in this world who COULD help him. Wow. I think you are right on. But WHY do I feel that way and HOW can I stop?? Really, I want to STOP. Does it just all of a sudden hit you one day and you stop, or what does it take??? I honestly want to know so I can just DO IT!

[Hopeful714]

Bathtub said it better than I ever could. Listen to her. But you must end the contact with him to end these lingering feelings. You still long for him ....and you think he still cares for you ...yet there is nothing there ....and he has a girlfriend!!!

 

To be calling you by a pet name to this day is down right manipulaton. My ex did this to me as well and I thought wtf? Really, why, WHY, WHY would someone stay in contact with an ex and call them pet names on top of it? Answer: Control and Manipulation. Read some articles on these topic. You really need to.

 

You keep falling for it because you keep seeing him as you want to see him opposed to who he really is.

[bathtub-row]

To be calling you by a pet name to this day is down right manipulaton.

 

Very true. I would add that it's also about their ego. Even if they don't want to be with that person, it pumps up their ego to keep someone on the hook. He's not attached to it either way. It's just a game of manipulation and ego.

[bathtub-row]

Wow. I think you are right again, Bathtub........I DO feel deep down he is a great guy, someone that just needs help. And not everybody will be the one to help him. For some reason I think that I am truly the only one in this world who COULD help him. Wow. I think you are right on. But WHY do I feel that way and HOW can I stop?? Really, I want to STOP. Does it just all of a sudden hit you one day and you stop, or what does it take??? I honestly want to know so I can just DO IT!

 

Only you control your thoughts and emotions. He can't do anything to you that you don't allow, and you won't feel anything that you don't believe in. Abuse is inhumane treatment and that alone should be the red flag that this relationship is not founded on love. It might've appeared to be that way in the beginning but it's not and it's not healthy.

 

The best thing you could do is make a conscious decision to stop thinking about him whenever those thoughts come up, any thoughts. Our brains build on repetition. If you cease to build those recepticles that create attachment and addiction, your feelings toward him will change because the connection in your mind gets broken. Hence, your feelings will also change.

[ladybug1984]

Bathtub said it better than I ever could. Listen to her. But you must end the contact with him to end these lingering feelings. You still long for him ....and you think he still cares for you ...yet there is nothing there ....and he has a girlfriend!!!

 

To be calling you by a pet name to this day is down right manipulaton. My ex did this to me as well and I thought wtf? Really, why, WHY, WHY would someone stay in contact with an ex and call them pet names on top of it? Answer: Control and Manipulation. Read some articles on these topic. You really need to.

 

You keep falling for it because you keep seeing him as you want to see him opposed to who he really is.

 

 

YES, I think he does still care............why else try to make contact on special occasions? If he didn't care, I wouldn't even enter his mind. I am confused how that can mean he doesn't care, even if only as a friend?

 

 

I absolutely know what you are saying is correct, Hopeful..............I just need to QUIT cyberstalking and letting any thoughts enter my mind. Going to search for articles today on control and manipulation and see if I can find one that hits me over the head like a 2x4. I think that's what it will take