Author ladybug1984 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Only you control your thoughts and emotions. He can't do anything to you that you don't allow, and you won't feel anything that you don't believe in. Abuse is inhumane treatment and that alone should be the red flag that this relationship is not founded on love. It might've appeared to be that way in the beginning but it's not and it's not healthy. The best thing you could do is make a conscious decision to stop thinking about him whenever those thoughts come up, any thoughts. Our brains build on repetition. If you cease to build those recepticles that create attachment and addiction, your feelings toward him will change because the connection in your mind gets broken. Hence, your feelings will also change. Thank you! I am going to start with stopping any thoughts when they start........also am going to sit down and list EVERYTHING today (already gotten a list started). I will come back and post it sometime soon. I was looking up some articles per Hopeful's suggestion and came across one that almost everything listed pertains to him! Unbelievable. How did I not know this AND even worse, why do I even still care at all now that I DO know?? Take a look at this. Characteristics of a Controlling Personality Will be working on a. finding more articles and educating myself, b. making my list, and c. eliminating any thoughts Do you agree with Hopeful, then, that these random messages are just to keep me engaged and not because he cares at all?? How can one know for sure??? Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Because if you still care about him and if he still "cares" enough about you then why are you two apart? If you were meant to be together and he keeps contacting you using you pet name like you are "special" then why is he with someone else instead of with you? Why isn't he doing everything to be with you?And what kind of guy has a girlfriend yet keeps in touch with his ex? What is the purpose of that? Can you contact him and tell him how you feel? What do you suppose he would do or say if you did? If there is this big connection with him and such chemistry between you both that you still feel after all this time...why aren't you two still together working it out? Because it's an irresponsible, immature, sick game that is messing with your head. And as bathtub said a big ego boost that he knows he has you still. Two people in mature,real love don't act like this. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Maybe seeing how things look when they're right, instead of wrong, will help you understand what we're trying to say. My son dated a girl for about 5 yrs. they were young (late high school, most of college) but we're serious about one another. Things eventually went south and they broke up. A few months later, my son met and began dating someone else that he became serious about. During that time, his ex contacted him and seemed to want to renew a friendship with him. This annoyed my son and he just directly told her that to be friends with her would be an insult to his gf. Do you see the difference between what a respectable guy does opposed to one who plays games behind someone's back? Just some food for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Thank you! I am going to start with stopping any thoughts when they start........also am going to sit down and list EVERYTHING today (already gotten a list started). I will come back and post it sometime soon. I was looking up some articles per Hopeful's suggestion and came across one that almost everything listed pertains to him! Unbelievable. How did I not know this AND even worse, why do I even still care at all now that I DO know?? Take a look at this. Characteristics of a Controlling Personality Will be working on a. finding more articles and educating myself, b. making my list, and c. eliminating any thoughts Do you agree with Hopeful, then, that these random messages are just to keep me engaged and not because he cares at all?? How can one know for sure??? That's a good start but I think you're kind of missing the point. If you're writing things down about him, studying up on his personality traits, etc, you're still thinking about him, and focusing on him in a very big way. When you're ready, you'll know. When you're done hashing out this topic, sick of the whole situation, then you may want to retreat into yourself and heal through peace and quiet. I did that for about 6 mos and when I came out of that phase, it made little difference if I heard from him, saw him, or whatever else. I had become indifferent toward him. As the saying goes, hatred is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug1984 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Because if you still care about him and if he still "cares" enough about you then why are you two apart? If you were meant to be together and he keeps contacting you using you pet name like you are "special" then why is he with someone else instead of with you? Why isn't he doing everything to be with you?And what kind of guy has a girlfriend yet keeps in touch with his ex? What is the purpose of that? Can you contact him and tell him how you feel? What do you suppose he would do or say if you did? If there is this big connection with him and such chemistry between you both that you still feel after all this time...why aren't you two still together working it out? Because it's an irresponsible, immature, sick game that is messing with your head. And as bathtub said a big ego boost that he knows he has you still. Two people in mature,real love don't act like this. OK, he is actually back with his ex-wife..........though they aren't married this time (that I know of)..........so that makes it different (not like it was any other random GF he used to have) and they have kids together. SOOO........I guess he figures that R is more important? Why don't I ask him? Because I also have kids and I don't want to subject them to something on a long-term basis that may be questionable or harmful to me - which COULD spill over to them (which I don't think would happen, but I don't take chances with my kids). I am also now in a R, though one that has its rough patches. I guess both of us are technically 'off the market' so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug1984 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Maybe seeing how things look when they're right, instead of wrong, will help you understand what we're trying to say. My son dated a girl for about 5 yrs. they were young (late high school, most of college) but we're serious about one another. Things eventually went south and they broke up. A few months later, my son met and began dating someone else that he became serious about. During that time, his ex contacted him and seemed to want to renew a friendship with him. This annoyed my son and he just directly told her that to be friends with her would be an insult to his gf. Do you see the difference between what a respectable guy does opposed to one who plays games behind someone's back? Just some food for thought. YES ((( I do see (((( Which should be enough to make me RUN. I swear I am a smart person but can do such stupid things sometims (((. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug1984 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 That's a good start but I think you're kind of missing the point. If you're writing things down about him, studying up on his personality traits, etc, you're still thinking about him, and focusing on him in a very big way. When you're ready, you'll know. When you're done hashing out this topic, sick of the whole situation, then you may want to retreat into yourself and heal through peace and quiet. I did that for about 6 mos and when I came out of that phase, it made little difference if I heard from him, saw him, or whatever else. I had become indifferent toward him. As the saying goes, hatred is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. How long did it take for you to quit hashing it out?? I am going on two years now! that's insane. I think if I could get past the 'it must be THE ONE because I get that chemistry/connection' feeling then I could do it...............I really, really do. How can I convince myself that it wasn't chemistry??? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 YES ((( I do see (((( Which should be enough to make me RUN. I swear I am a smart person but can do such stupid things sometims (((. Well, please don't be too hard on yourself. Many of us do that. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 How long did it take for you to quit hashing it out?? I am going on two years now! that's insane. I think if I could get past the 'it must be THE ONE because I get that chemistry/connection' feeling then I could do it...............I really, really do. How can I convince myself that it wasn't chemistry??? I guess for me, I just got sick to death of him, and of the ridiculous roller coaster we were on. Something inside of me just switched off. I have developed quite a knack for turning my emotions off like a faucet. Nowdays, the way I look at it is if a guy doesn't better my life or contribute to it in a good way, then he and I were not meant to be. I've learned that chemistry doesn't always mean anything, I've learned that two people can be as close as close can be, and they can betray you. So it takes a lot to faze me and I have learned not to open my heart to anyone until they prove to me that they deserve that kind of trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 ...I've learned that two people can be as close as close can be, and they can betray you. They seemed close but they weren't really. It doesn't make sense to me that someone who genuinely loves you from the bottom of their heart can betray you. It's just not real love. Link to post Share on other sites
mmcain Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Your not over it because you won't move on... " attach yourself to a goal , not a person or thing " Einstein 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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